The Nun and the Gardener: A Collection of Short Stories and Essays

By Laverne Roxby

The Nun and the Gardener is a collection of short stories and essays, some humorous and some serious. Many of LaVernes short stories and essays start with a bit of truth, such as an experience in her life, and then go from there - sometimes into fantasyland. She likes to take that grain of truth and stretch it just a tad by using her very active imagination. She tries to find humor in every situation, and especially in her life. When that doesnt work, she writes serious stories and essays, but her imagination is still very much involved.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 23, 2010
• ISBN: 9781452059600

Laverne Roxby

LaVerne Morgan Roxby is a senior technical editor and writer for a management, consulting and research company and has written fiction and non-fiction short stories and articles for many years. She has a master’s in English and is an adjunct English instructor at the University of Alabama, Huntsville campus. LaVerne was born and spent many of her early years in Florida. She has been an Alabama resident for over 25 years.

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Contents

Passion That Can’t Be Denied

Hurricane Crazies

The Virtues of Colon Cleansing

Grudges

Hazel Brooks

On Bass Tournaments

No More Chubby Cheeks

Fun at Grandma’s

So Now It Begins

Race Day Preparations

The Nun and the Gardener

Camp Nightmare

Treading Water

My Bloody Nose

Concerning Sea Turtles

Lost Boyfriends

OTCBAIBS – Buy Only As Needed

Air Force Incident

Free At Last – Cranberry Anxiety

Summer Fun With Bernice

My Approved Holiday Gift-Giving Days

Emotional Baggage And Dating

My TV Frenzy

Family Togetherness

On Dying

Brillo Pad Beauty

My Latest Fear

I’m Sorry, Okay?

Johnny Come Home?

The Roman Toga Incident

Our Holiday Vacation

Colonoscopy Procrastination

Clarice

Class Reunions

Ms. Toad’s Wild Ride

Social Coordinator Wannabe

The South Georgia Blanchettes

Arianna Evangelina Kownalaknowsi

Passion That Can’t Be Denied

We sank to the floor and gave in to the passion that had been building between us for weeks. Yes, we knew it was wrong! We had tried to deny it, but, NO! we couldn’t – the sexual tension was too strong. We became one as we yielded to our basic animal sexual instincts, all the time saying, this can’t be happening, but it is and other stuff like that. After it was over, we went for hamburgers and cokes and never saw each other again … not for many years, and then we did.

I looked up and said, Ari? at the same time he said, Lola? Damn, he looked good. Call it karma, call it fate, call it what you will, but there is no denying that, when our eyes met once again, the fire that we had long ago extinguished had returned. It was like a rolling boil on a hot stove. My heart literally melted as I hit the go button on my scooter and raced across the dollar store to embrace him, flinging a great-grandchild off my lap as I went. He, wearing thick glasses and using two canes, ran to me, oblivious to the fact that he had knocked over a whole display of $1 a can peaches. It was at that moment that I wished I wasn’t wearing a Depends, but I knew he would understand. Love is like that; never having to say you’re sorry.

We met in the center of the dog food section, and it was there, on top of a 50-pound bag, that we took care of our long unfinished business as my granddaughter yelled at me for racing and for dropping HER child, and for not stopping to pick up HER child, and while the store manager called the police. As we were being led away, I made the little sign with my finger that means call me and he blew me a kiss. As the police car door was closing, I yelled to my granddaughter: Don’t forget to get me that chocolate pudding that I like; you hear me now?

Hurricane Crazies

The day of the big hurricane, the one we had always feared, was upon us. She was ‘a comin!! My in-laws, plus granny, descended on my house like a herd of migrant workers. The next thing I knew, granny was filling every bottle in the house with water; I’m not kidding – we had to clear a path to get from the kitchen to the living room. Next, she scrubbed the tub and filled it, too. Oh, well – nobody was much interested in taking a bath anyway; plus, if this baby was as big as they said she was, we were all going to get plenty wet anyway.

Suddenly, my mother-in-law started dragging blankets out of our linen closet – at first, I thought it was to pad the area where the sliding glass doors were (if you live in Florida, sliding glass doors are a must-have) but, no, she was settling in on the couch and my father-in-law was wrapping himself up and getting comfy on our loveseat. (Did I mention that we were in FLORIDA where blankets are only for show? – you never take them out and actually use them.) About that time, my father-in-law yelled: When are we going to eat?

Feeling the need to escape, I ran into the dining room – that’s when I heard a loud thumping noise against our bay window – were we being bombarded by huge limbs from those high winds we were told were headed our way? NO, it was our horse banging his head against the glass – even he wanted in!! I had a few words with him and then I shut the drapes. I yelled to my husband, Who let the damn horse out – let me guess. He said he had read in a book that that is exactly what you should do in a situation like this – let the animal run free. I knew I was losing it so I took off for the family room (big mistake) where I came upon one of our two teenagers – the female one. She was walking around in short shorts and was barefooted (you can get away with that 24/7 in Florida, even when a hurricane is coming). She was pouting because we wouldn’t let her use the phone while it was lightning, and she said she was bored. I said, Get me a gun so I can kill myself. About then, I heard a loud thumping at the front door. I looked through the peep hole and, you guessed it – it was the horse only this time I was looking at his rear end (always a pleasant sight.) Upon closer inspection, I realized that he was making a deposit, if you know what I mean. I yelled out, "Did you let the damn pig out so he could run free, too? I knew by the look on my husband’s face that, yes, he had. I knew at that point I was in a dad gum loony bin.

I took off for my son’s room where I found him sprawled out on his king-sized waterbed (people are really into water down there) reading a surfing magazine, snacking and listening to a mellow Bob Marley song. Always Mr. Cool, he looked up and said, What’s up, ma? I said, Move over and hand me the chips – there’s a bunch of crazies in the house.

The Virtues of Colon Cleansing

Being a person who is into rituals, on a glorious Sunday morning, I brewed my coffee and picked up my low fat granola bar before leisurely seating myself at the computer to check my emails. I immediately saw where two high school classmates had left me messages on Facebook. I excitedly clicked on the link only to discover that their messages were the same: both were extolling the virtues of colon cleansing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have that on my to-do list, but only in about 100 years. In fact, colon cleansing is sitting right up there next to begging my dentist for a root canal. I know that my classmates only care about what is best for me, and they certainly didn’t know that I would check my messages while eating my breakfast, but having a discussion about colons, period, is just not what I do on a social networking site. I prefer to keep it light out there – I mean, I have participated in discussions about minor health issues, and the repairs that go with them, but colons are something that I think are best kept as discussions between patients and doctors, if a discussion is even necessary. In fact, my primary doctor doesn’t even ask, how’s your colon? unless it’s time for the dreaded, un-fun, drink that nasty drink beforehand, colonoscopy. We have, I think, an unwritten agreement that he will not bring it up again for 10 more years because I recently went after he talked me into it.

I remember very well our discussion when I first agreed to undergo the polyp check. He brought out a giant (like 4 x 6 foot) diagram showing the large intestine and the path the see all tube with the giant camera would travel during the