Front Line Observer: A Casualty Report from the Battle for the Family

By Mark Loftin

America, it's time to wake up and realize what the war against the family has done to our kids. My hope is that, in addition to telling stories about kids who have shared our home, Front Line Observer may be your wake up call.Front Line Observer is a mixture of stories and lessons learned from 29 years of working and living with kids. Included in these 29 years are 24 years of residential work with kids in foster care.I tell some stories about the kids, and share what my wife and I have learned about why kids are removed from their parents or are placed in foster care. I will tell about the damage done to our children by the disintrigation of the family in our society and by those who do not understand the value of our children. I will show how those in our society who are willing to destroy the family are hurting our children. I will share what we have seen about how the casualties in the war against the family are our children.Kids who come into foster care and into our home almost never come from familiesconsisting ofparents who are a mom and dad who aremarried and together. Instead, they come from parents who have chosen "alternatives" to the traditional family or to have counterfeit "families". In particular, I will confront fathers whorefuse toaccept responsibility for their children and families, and present ideas on how we can motivate these fathers to take responsibility for their children. I will also present ideasfor anyone who wants to help children who are hurting from an absent dad, or who wants to join the battle in the fight for the family.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 28, 2007
• ISBN: 9781467829229

Mark Loftin

Mark and Debbie Loftin have been working together with children and teenagers for 29 years, starting in 1977 with volunteer work with kids in the Chicago inner city.  For 24 of those years they have been houseparents or directors of residential programs for children.  There have been 300 kids sharing their home during these years.  For 19 years, Mark and Debbie served as the live-in directors of the New Life Youth Home, a small group home for teenagers located in rural West Tennessee.  The Loftins are also the adoptive parents of two girls.  They continue to work with children and families through the Dyersburg-Dyer County Union Mission and the Mission Youth Center.  Their work has kept them on the front line in the battle for our kids and to preserve and strengthen our families.  Their passion for kids has compelled Mark to share some stories and, like an observer in a battle, to report to the rest of us how our kids are hurting and to expose those who are hurting them. 

Book preview

Contents

INTRODUCTION

Chapter 1

STORY TIME

Chapter 2

OBSERVATIONS FROM THE FRONT LINE

Chapter 3

QUOTES FROM THE KIDS

Chapter 4

MOST OF US KNOW THIS ALREADY

Chapter 5

THE NUT DOESN’T FALL VERY FAR FROM THE TREE

MORE STORIES

Chapter 6

THE DIFFERENCE

Chapter 7

LOOK WHAT WE HAVE DONE TO OUR KIDS

Chapter 8

ENGLISH-TO-TEENAGE DICTIONARY

Chapter 9

THE FUN, THE JOY, AND

THE REWARD

Chapter 10

MAYBE YOU CAN DO IT, TOO

STILL MORE STORIES

Chapter 11

SINCE YOU ASKED

Chapter 12

WAIT!

Chapter 13

YOU WILL HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR KIDS, SOMEDAY

I MAY NEVER RUN OUT OF STORIES

Chapter 14

LET’S NOT SLAP HIM ON THE BACK, LET’S HIT HIM IN THE WALLET

Chapter 15

PARENTS, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME!

Chapter 16

DADS, I’M TALKING TO YOU

EACH OF OUR KIDS HAS A STORY

Chapter 17

MEDIC!

To Debbie

For serving on the front line alongside me

For helping me remember

For proofreading

For your time

For believing in me

For marrying me and sticking with me.

INTRODUCTION

This is not about me. It is not my story or my memoirs, but observations that we have made while serving on the front line of the battle for our culture, our families, and our kids. These observations that my wife, Debbie, and I have made come from three sources. A few come from court or other referral records that come with the kids who have lived with us. Some come from what the kids and their families have told us about their lives and choices. The great majority come from what we have actually seen, heard, and experienced first hand in our work with kids and families. I have been careful to include only what we have actually observed during our experience as house parents, children’s home directors, and volunteers. These are not what we have heard from others in our profession, or what we have been taught in school or training, or what we believe, feel, wish, or think, but actual observations. I will not tell any stories, quote any kids or parents, or bring up any issues that have not been directly observed in our work.

This is not scientific research, or my dissertation for a doctorate, but I feel like if you have chosen to read this, you deserve to know how we are qualified to make these observations. I will try to tell you just enough about us to describe our experience, and how we are qualified to make these observations. I will try not to talk so much about us that it bores you. In some way or another, we have been working with kids since we were college kids ourselves. It was in 1977, when I was not yet 20, that I began to attend Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, after two years at Oklahoma State University. One of the requirements at MBI was to be involved in some practical work experience there in Chicago that would relate to and enhance our education. I was assigned to Crusader Youth Outreach, which was a ministry that worked with kids and teenagers in an area of Chicago northwest of downtown. The work included kids clubs, sports, camping, and other relationship-building outings. The first time I met with the other volunteer staff of CYO, I met Debbie Powell, who had already been volunteering for a couple of years, and who is the finest lady I have ever known. We spent lots of time working together there until I finished my degree in 1981, and in that time our relationship progressed from friends to a couple with a growing love, who wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. We were married on December 29, 1979.

Both of us wanted to keep working with teenagers, in ways that build relationships and give them chances to grow into adults who make good decisions. We wanted to give kids who needed to change the direction of their lives a safe, healthy, nurturing home where we could teach and encourage them. Many of the kids we knew in Chicago seemed stuck in a destructive cycle of bad choices that repeated the mistakes of their parents or other kids around them. Some wanted to get out of the cycle, but staying in the same neighborhood with the same peers made this almost impossible, without help. Being house parents would give us the chance to work closely together and with the kind of kids to whom we felt called, and in an atmosphere that could encourage healthy growth into adults who could make good choices and maybe break the cycle.

As soon as I graduated, we spent the summer working at Camp Hickory, north of Chicago, which was a good transition into our goal of being house parents. In the fall, we began working with New Horizons Youth Ministries. This is a great organization, with locations in the USA, Canada, and the Dominican Republic, which works with teenagers who are low achievers but have high potential. We trained for three months in the group home in Marion, Indiana, and then spent all of 1982 and 1983 at the boarding school on the Dominican Republic. We were parents in a house of eight boys, who were mostly from middle- to upper- class homes in the US Midwest, and had been sent there by their parents. This program emphasized living up to your potential by building character strength and developing a mature, positive attitude. The location out of the country took them away from negative influences, from peers to television, and was a great chance for them to start over. Meanwhile, US based NHYM staff worked with the families.

Our next house parent position was with Cedar Ridge Children’s Home in Williamsport, Maryland. We had a house of twelve boys, ages ten to fourteen, who were mostly from the Baltimore area and were in state custody. These boys came from abusive situations and dysfunctional families, and had emotional and behavior problems. Many of them lived there with us a long time, and moved to the house next door to us when they were older. These two house parent positions prepared us to take the next step: directing a residential program ourselves.

Between October of 1987 and June, 2006 Debbie and I were directors of the New Life Youth Home program, which was a ministry of the Dyersburg-Dyer County Union Mission, in Tennessee. This was a live-in position, and gave us the chance to run our own small home, where before we had been one of a number of house parent couples in a larger residential organization. Ours was the only house, and the home was much more like a large foster family than an institution. Almost all of the kids who lived there with us had been in state custody. They may have been abused, abandoned, or neglected, may have been unruly, may have committed delinquent acts, or any combination of these. Our main responsibility was to concentrate on helping these kids to grow to the point to where they were ready to return to their family, move to an adoptive family, or to be on their own. We provided structure, stability, supervision, and safety, and we tried to be good examples. Our hope was that while they were there they would develop some maturity, skills, and character strengths so that they could recognize the causes of their being away from their family, how to prevent this from happening again, and break out of the cycle. We want them to bring their kids to visit us, but we don’t want their kids to live with us. For seven years we had just girls at New Life Youth Home, and for the rest of the time we had both boys and girls. The great majority of kids had been between the ages of 12 and 19, and they were with us anywhere from one night to over six years. There were up to 11 kids living there with us at a time. Relationships are the key; these were and are our kids, not our clients. There have been more than 200 kids who stayed with us at NLYH, and nearly 300 in total since we started doing residential work. Most of the observations in this book come from our time at NLYH, because we had been there so long, and because there was much more family and other background information available to us about the kids than there had been at the other group homes.

I began this book while working at NLYH in the fall of 2005. Except for the last chapter, I finished my book in the spring of 2006, just before I began my next adventure working with kids. Debbie and I are still in Dyersburg, and still with the Mission. The after-school clubs for kids at the Mission Youth Center and the summer day camp are where I’m serving now. Debbie helps with the high school club and with families who come to the Mission for help.

Privacy rules and good manners prevent me from using the full names of our kids. At times I will use a first name, and other times I will use initials or not use a name at all. I will not use the parents’ names.

I could have written an entire book of funny or sad stories, or funny or sad things our kids have said. I could have written a book that only pointed out the observations that we have made of why kids end up living with us or what is damaging our kids and our society. Instead, I put all kinds of observations together, because our lives with the kids have been like that; not one or the other, but layered together in the same child or family at the same time. Our work has been both a source of joy and frustration, so both emotions are in this book. I have decided to share with you the pleasure and hope of our work, but also I have a responsibility to share the observations of problems we see that scare us for the future and beg for a cure. One single overriding issue will be presented to you-which will be the trait that is by far the most common denominator with all of our kids-along with proposals to work for a solution. Like a scientist who finds the cause and a cure for a deadly disease, we feel responsible to share what we have observed, along with ideas for a cure. When I started making notes of my observations to share in a book, I didn’t approach my work with an agenda to make a point. However, while I was writing my observations, the issue of what is the root cause of kids being placed in foster care stared me in the face until I couldn’t ignore it.

Life is complicated, especially with a home full of teenagers, and since our experiences include events that stir all of the following emotions and elicit all of these reactions, I will mix:

happy and sad;

funny and depressing;

wise and stupid;

perverted and pure;

silly and meaningful;

ridiculous and common sense;

satisfying and frustrating;

humorous and serious;

maddening and pleasing.

I invite you to:

get pleasure from the happy, and feel for the sad;

enjoy the funny, and listen to the depressing;

learn from the wise, and marvel at the stupid;

recognize the perverted, and strive for the pure;

laugh at the silly, and contemplate the meaningful;

expose the ridiculous, and appreciate the common sense;

celebrate the satisfying, and solve the frustrating;

smile at the humorous, and learn from the serious;

see what you can do about the maddening, and get pleasure from the pleasing; and relate to all of them.

Making up stories, exaggerating, or embellishing is not necessary; these are as we have seen or heard or are in the record. Some observations are here just because they happened or for the entertainment value. Others point out problems in the morals of our society, and the destructive consequences to children and families that a lack of good, strong morals has caused. Some observations are just to tell the story, and others beg us for solutions or preventions for the destruction of families. What gives pleasure is meant to be shared. What damages or destroys our children and families also damages or destroys our society, culture, and nation, and needs to be exposed.

Chapter 1

STORY TIME

Christy made some muffins for the middle school 4H contest. They were pretty good, so in the morning she put them on a paper plate, covered them with plastic wrap, and put the plate on the seat next to her in our van. Of course, on the way to school they fell off the seat and rolled around on the rubber floor of the van, ending up on the inside step by the side doors coated in hair, dirt, and I wouldn’t want to guess what else. She screamed, I’m taking them anyway! as the kids chased the muffins around the van. She gathered them up, wiped them off, and headed to the unsuspecting judges. She came out of school that afternoon, bragging that the teachers had liked them and awarded her second prize in the school! I wonder what the third place muffins tasted like. We never told the teachers, until now.

Mike caught a snake in the pasture, and wanted to keep it for a pet. I didn’t recognize it, and we couldn’t find one like it in any of our books. I told the boys that we would not be keeping it unless I could be sure that it wasn’t poisonous. I thought the subject was over until Mike came to me the next