I Love the Beach, Poetry, Long Walks, Night Runs, Riding My Bike, Sunsets and Smelling My Own Feet…: Memoirs of a Pilgrim’S Sojourns

By Edwin Estuya

this is a summary of his daily thoughts which he wrote every night.

He loves the beach, poetry, long walks, night runs, riding his bike, sunsets and smelling his own feet.

though this is not a perfect commercial grade book, this is a story of a persons life.

a true story of his wanderings. his convictions. his passions. his dreams. his frustrations. his love. yes. these thoughts come from his heart.

this is his story of his road to greatness if theres ever one for him. a true story to tell the whole world and the ones left behind.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 30, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452085234

Edwin Estuya

he is just a regular guy with no PhDs, no post graduate studies and no formal training on writing. only his long lost childhood dream made him pursue his very first project. driven by this dream, edwin estuya wrote this memoir every night in the coldness of a basement somewhere in MI where he ran an average of 5 miles a night and walked an average of 2 miles a day. 3 months ago, he moved out of MI to pursue his endless journey into eternal happiness. he now shares a space with a friend in NY though he plans to go home after all things are set with his book. but he still runs. he still walks. he still rides his bikes and his boards. he will still write. and he still dreams of becoming happy after all. yes. there’s more to edwin estuya than just this pen name.

Book preview

the road map

I.   a prologue

II.   the daily logs

III.   the first day lasted forever

IV.   i love poetry, sunsets, long walks, night runs, beaches, biking, smelling my own feet and0 poking dead things with a stick…

V.   mga handumanan(in remembrance)

VI.   mga alaala ng mga unang araw ng suyu-an (memories of the early days of courtship)

VII.   an epilogue

…for my dreams and for the future

…for my blood and for all my convictions

…for all my lifelines and the summary of it all

(the pilgrim)

a prologue

hi. i am the pilgrim and this is my personal memoir. this is a day to day documentation of my long journey to a thing i call home. the daily logs reflect my random thoughts of mixed emotions as i go through my sojourns. happiness. excitement. sadness. loneliness. longing. despair. rage. hate. and whatnot. in it is the story of my convictions, my dreams and frustrations.

i had always been a drifter. i had always been a nomad since the beginning of my time. but this journey with a destination started roughly three years ago. it started with a visual which progressed into a pursuit and into a passion. the evolution ushered a continuing progression which eventually became my commitment to forever.

however, the daily logs started about more than a year ago and still counting. my day is never complete without finishing an entry. well. a day at a time till the destination.

though things are written in reference, this is a love story of sorts. this is a story of a passion. this is a true story of one of the greatest loves there’ll ever be.

thank you for being with me in my long journey to that still blurry destination i call home. who knows, i might be home earlier than expected. or i might not even get there at all. only time and space know.

but for now, all there is to this is a flicker of hope and my treasure box full of plans and visualizations sealed with a very strong attitude of being relentless and resilient plus a locked-on focus to where i’m really going.

well. my journey still goes on. enjoy the ride, dudes.

let’s rock and roll!

"forged in fire.

cultivated by hate.

tempered through time.

seasoned by the elements."

edwin estuya

a pen name

the daily logs

SIXTEEN ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

"maybe, it’s wrong to say please love me too

cause i know you’ll never do

somebody else is waiting there inside for you

maybe it’s wrong to love you more each day

cause i know he’s here to stay

but my love is strong

i don’t know if this is wrong

but i know to whom you should belong"

(neocolors)

maybe. an oldie. but right on target. every line. everything. written by jimmy antiporda and jamie rivera. i believe the two had a thing back then. i’ll check it with koya boy next time. LOL

but a great song. yes it is.

11:37 pm.

classes are off today. they declared it a snow day. it’s the coldest so far. freaking A. you know how kids wait for the school buses. and kids who are less than a mile away from school are not qualified for a school bus ride and are required to walk or bike or ride their boards to school. and the people here can’t afford these kids to have frost bites. so they declared today a snow day. no school for today. but it’s a working day for me. damn.

the radio was saying that today is a record breaking day. a history in the making. the lowest temp today broke the record 16 years ago. the day started at a regular temp low of minus 16F. with the wind chill factor, it’s way, way down negative 16F. maybe almost negative 30F. so figure that out. it’s so damn cold. but on the lighter side of things, i’m part of that history. walked on this super cold day. and i survived. i’m still here.

the sink faucets at the store are frozen. the toilet bowl is a mini ice skating rink. funny. the building is an old brick one. so it literally traps cold. due to ongoing streamlining factors, we don’t leave the heater on for the whole night. so when we open in the morning, the temp inside the store is way colder than outside. for the first two hours, we are on our winter jackets. funny. and the pantry where we have our lunch breaks is even worse. it’s not insulated and it has no heat on. so lunch is even colder. damn. how could you eat lunch hugging each other? hard, aint it?

it’s so cold that you can feel your nose freeze. and my damp hair is frozen too. and i guess my boogers are too. crazy.

customers who just walk or take the bus come to the store with frozen tears. yes. in the super cold temps, you just can’t stop your tears from falling. maybe your soul is crying coz of the so much cold. damn. i can really relate to this. and this is so crazy.

i just came back from a smoking session in the garage. oh damn. coldest.

so back to what i always say. the Rs that rule my life. Resiliency and being Relentless. and the Rest. these things help me survive these things. and more of the things to come. only death can stop me is what i always say. it’s like be sure to kill me if you wanna stop me. another R rules my world. and it’s in my heart. forever. not the first woman in my life though. her initials inked on top of my belly button. and more on my right arm come spring. oh yeah. that’s my mom’s initials. my mama Ricky. yes. and now i am in an R phase again. Re-engineering. Renewal. Rebirth. just amazing, Right? and to think Red is my fave coloR. cool. teRRific. but the funny thing about it is i can’t even say that letteR Right in a sentence. funny. Really.

2:01 am. well.

we are giving out fliers at work. you know how slow the business is now and you have 3 other stores right down the block and across the street competing with each other. it’s a survival thing. i insert some samples like chemicals in the fliers. the fliers are just like info drive of all our specials and our best deals. you just wanna spread the word around and hope to increase a new customer base. walk-ins and others.

when a customer somehow ticks my hottie meter, i give her more samples. LOL if it’s a negative rating, then she gets only the flier. so sad.

you know our store is more of a woman thing store slash museum. so we have about 95% women customers. sometimes these guys shop with their kids. teens. adults. even as kids, these guys look forward to their weekly trip to the museum. so it becomes a habit till they grow up. and you know they need it. they need the supplies. i always smile when i see kids that really look like their mom. you know like a clone thing. well, if they’re pretty, of course. but if not, i dunno. i just feel sad.

gotta log off now. later.

SEVENTEEN ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

well. 1:25 am. just got home. came from a party. a buddy. a fellow biker. kinda fun. had beers. oh. you know how alcohol has its peculiar effects on me? it magnifies all things. emotions and all. damn. i shouldn’t have those beers. maybe i had like six bottles. oh man.

it’s snowing the whole day. relentlessly. accumulation is like 6 inches by now. my boots and pants are full of snow. and it’s all over my room. damn. it’s a mess. well, it’s gonna dry up on the carpet. LOL

it’s still so cold out here. damn. but i’m still without a shirt on doing this thing now. but beers make you feel colder. damn. i gotta have a shower first and go on with this thing.

i should’ve been off from work tomorrow. but it was an on and off thing decision for me. eventually, i’m working tomorrow. bruce lee said he needs me more than brittani coz you know, it’s snowing like hell. oh yeah. no rest for this wicked dude. again.

it’s a slow day. and it’s a snow day. snow time means shovel time. what else? oh man. it’s so tiring. oh yes.

i just read a post today. oh boy, it was written so good. hats off dude. it’s getting better and better. way to go! yes.

actually for the past days, i’m missing something. i know i really can’t go that far. i always turn the car around. it’s so bad. it’s like you just can’t live without. this is final, dawg. thizizit. oh no. this is the one. really. well. missed the thing really bad. really, really bad. yes, i can’t just live without. indeed.

shower time first. i gotta poop man. i ate so much. batchoy. dinuguan. etc. etc. leche flan. indulgence tonight. i am so full plus the beers. my tummy is like so big now. oh no. kinda dizzy though. double visions. but i know i can still type.

i’ll be back. brb.

18 january 09. 9:37 pm. sorry about last night. i dozed off. LOL too tired maybe plus the beers.

you know how cold it is out here now, right? it’s been in the negatives. in these super cold times, you just can’t imagine that in the summertime, things get real hot here too. extremes, huh? the highest temp i had experienced here so far is like 102F. God, that’s not warm. it’s super hot. i hear people die of heat stroke on the local radio. can you even believe that? it can get so super hot out here too. crazy MI weather. oh yeah.

i remember back at home when i was still working with a food company. we used to hang out in the ice cream warehouse. it’s a big freezer. i remember the temp inside that freezer is something like some points below zero. yeah the temp inside that freezer warehouse is somewhere in the negatives too. somehow just like what we have here at MI now. but you know the freezer is a controlled temp thing and it’s a closed thing. so you don’t experience the wind chill, which makes things worse. wind chill makes you feel the cold by something like at least 10 points colder. brrrr. crazy. in my daily walks, when the wind blows and hits me, it’s like as if my ears will fall off. or i can feel my nose freeze and my boogers too. it’s like even your lungs freeze as well. and i can feel my earrings freeze and it radiates on my ears. it burns. damn. it’s that cold. so damn cold.

bruce lee’s playlist. aside from listening to the local AM radio for updates on the weather and all, mr. bruce lee listens to music too. oh yeah. the old man loves music too. he has a CD like a selection of his fave songs. LOL his playlist includes songs like angel by sara mclachlan, three times a lady by lionel richie, songs by the lobo guy, some john denver songs, norah jones, josh groban etc. etc. the old man is somehow updated, dude. LOL

oh lionel richie. yes. nicole richie’s dad. yes nicole is a bitch. that’s why she’s so hot. oh yeah. super hottie. total hottie. the pout. the bitch look. so hot. just like paris hilton and her night vision thing. LOL

oh man. gotta log out. i’m doing the journal for today.

peace out, dawg!

EIGHTEEN ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

9:24 pm. home.

got home in like 6:41 pm. we closed earlier on sundays, right? i finally fixed my room. changed my beddings. rearranged some shit for a new zen flow. wow. vacuum cleaned everything. wow. feels like new. smells like new especially with the carpet powder. oh wow. but my bed rocks. green tea the antioxidant. yes. soothing. wow. yes. really wow. i did my cleaning so fast. it was like only an hour. LOL

drove to mobile after to buy some stuff. cheetos. coke. jerky. marlboros. yes. life’s essentials.

woke up late today like 8:30 am. i woke up to something good. and it was really good. it made my day. gave me that smile. as always.

snow has somehow stopped. the day started sunny but you know it’s still super cold. biting cold. but the snow that piled up last night is what i came to work for today. damn. shovel time. endless. damn. again, it started to snow in the afternoon. i’ll be damned. yes. endless.

i had an upset stomach again for the day. darn those beers last night. it really messed me up again. jeez.

just sent an email to the college i was gonna enroll to. sent them my final clarifications for the thing. then i’ll set the meeting up and get the english proficiency exam. then i’m good to go. yes. goin’ on as planned.

hold on.

fixing the room and rearranging it is some kind of re-engineering as well. a renewal. a rebirth. Rs. i wanna have some new flow in my room. some kind of a new zen. well, it kinda stinks already as well. so i really need a rebirth. LOL anyway, it feels so fresh in here now. of course, green tea to top it all. perfect. just perfect. yes. oh yeah.

at work when things get somehow slow, bruce lee would come and chat with us. he always like to share some of his wisdom. you know, the old age thing. LOL i would initiate a topic always. today, we talked about different things.

death. life after death. heaven and hell. bruce lee has his convictions too. it’s like he would base it on a church thing. and barbie would always be radical about things. she’s an atheist by choice btw. but she still goes to their hmong church as against her own choice but coz of her mom. LOL and i would throw out weird questions to stir up their minds. LOL barbie said death is like an eternal sleep. nothing happens after. no heaven or hell after. no reincarnation. it’s like your life’s just ended. and bruce lee would say things relative to a christian point of view. well, my view is this. who knows if there’s really heaven or hell. who can ever tell. we were only taught that way. and we would never know in this lifetime. we don’t even dare to refute those things. heaven might be just across the 8 mile road outside of the D. or maybe heaven and hell is just a state of our mind. or maybe we are in hell right now. who knows, right? but the bottom-line is faith. what you believe in is what matters and that’s gonna save you. makes sense, right? we might have different names for our gods but we all believe in one supreme being. one being who is above us all, right? so that’s it. we align the things that we do so that these things might come out pleasing to the thing we call our supreme being, the creator of all things. and all of us call the supreme being’s name each time we have a hard time and we need his help, right? and just by calling his name, we feel good. somehow there is hope. somehow we know that someone who is greater than all of us makes all things happen. oh wow. i sound like a pastor now. amen? amen. raise the roof! dudes and dudettes. LOL

we have other topics like the present economic crisis. the worldwide scenario. etc. etc. discussions like these make me laugh. not on their comments but i get to read their thoughts and see who they really are. LOL their views on things and how they perceive things. sometimes, old school. sometimes, so radical. sometimes they just don’t give a shit.

brb. 10:08 pm. shower time. i’ll be back.

10:25 pm.

while i was waiting for bruce lee today at mobile, i was scanning the detroit free press sunday issue. they were featuring the new president elect. there was a pic of the man and his vice and their wives. the caption was the ride to destiny. oh wow. that was powerful. very well thought of. oh yes. it is the ride to destiny. the longest trip home. pretty cool.

captions. i used to post in a biking forum way back. i post pix with captions. a caption for a specific pic is always a challenge for me. and i love it. i love thinking the best and the right captions for my pix. it’s like a flow of creativity. i had classic captions like the precious ones, disbelief etc. etc. pretty cool.

last night was a birthday of a kid of one of my bike buddies out here. all of us were almost there last night. of course, bike talk here and there. the upcoming spring promise of a bike ride and all. eventually they were asking me of the posts i had when i was back home. guimaras. bucari. i was kinda surprised that they couldn’t forget some of my pix with the captions. LOL i even forgot what the pic and the captions were. LOL but somehow my posts connected. my captions hit home. and that brought a smile. i never really expected it. thanks, dawg.

every time and everywhere i always see moments or views in frames even though i don’t take pic shots. and somehow i end up thinking of the best caption for that frame. LOL it’s kinda cool, you know. the other day, there were like so many pigeons just perching on mike’s market rooftop on a sunny day. the pigeons were like in a line and they were not moving. i was thinking of a caption for that moment in a frame, sunbathing. if i had a cool cam with a really sick zoom, i could have taken that pic. that would have been so sweet.

there’s a stack of mountain biking mags out here. either they come on as a regular subscription or bought at barnes and noble, meijer or even at the mobile gas station. and there’s really a lot. decline. mbuk. mbaction. dirt rag. singletrack. etc. etc. and it’s up to date, dawg. i don’t even wanna read the stuff coz just looking at the stack just bores me. LOL we have some bike mags at the bathroom. you know it’s like a poop inducer. LOL just saw a pic of the DH beauty rachel atherton of the commencal DH team. she used to be with the giant team. oh my God. she’s so hot. she’s a real beauty. pleasant and super sweet face. and the thing is she doesn’t even realize how much i love her. LOL i’ll print a BW copy of her pic. and put it in a frame in my room. at least i’ll get to wake up with her each time. oh yeah. pretty cool. oh a fixation.

tomorrow is a federal holiday. wow. no class. no work for some. of course, i still go to work tomorrow. it’s martin luther king day. this is the pastor from georgia who said, we shall overcome. he also said the line i have a dream. now king’s dream is making its full circle. on tuesday, his dream is coming true. wherever he might be now, i know he’s smiling. at long last, they did overcome.

and so i will too. and i will be living that dream. somewhere. somehow. someday. i will overcome. i am pretty sure. when i finally get home.

11:03 pm. gotta log off now. see you next time, dawg.

NINETEEN ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

12:01 am.

how could this happen to me, i’ve made my mistakes, got nowhere to run, the night goes on…..(simple plan)

and i can’t tell if you’re laughing, between each smile there’s a tear in your eye…… (rise against)

i tried so hard and got so far…… i had to fall to lose it all but in the end it doesn’t even matter…..(linkin park)

crawling in my skin, these wounds would never heal, fear is how i fall, confusing what is real…. (linkin park)

real geniuses. it’s very true. they write songs about the realities of life. pretty cool. but you know what? fuck this life. and everything there is to it. and fuck tomorrow. it will never come.

beaches.

"lumalim man ang gabi

hindi mahihimbing

aabangan ang buwan

habang binibilang ang mga bituin" (south border)

a pinoy talent. jay durias on the vocals. a very sweet song. sweet lines.

8:28 pm. home.

yes. beaches. this is the topic i always open up during bruce lee talks. almost every day. at the museum during the really slow hours. during the ride home. i always tell them my thing about the beach. it always reminds me of happy moments. it reminds me of home. and everything there is to it.

of course i do my homework on the ‘must-go’ beaches here on the mainland. i do it every time. online. researching about the beach thing all the time. i only open up this topic to get their thoughts on the best beaches as per their experience. well, miami beach is tops. then daytona. as per bruce lee’s wise words, coco beach is quite crappy. not that many people and not that crowded though but that makes it cool. oh man, all these are in FLA. and it’s like an hour drive or two to orlando. wow! disney, dude. pretty cool, huh? barbie said you just find a place to stay in orlando. well. it’s way cheaper coz of the many people going there and you just rent a car and drive to the beaches. quite an idea, huh? going up is myrtle beach, south carolina. cool place as well but kinda crowded coz it’s kinda famous. barbie knew this place well enough coz she spent her teen years at north carolina. though not that close, they could always drive down going there on a weekend. and somehow, barbie kinda like beaches coz where she grew up at CA, they’re near a beach as well. but she’s not a romance person, so she feels it a bit cheesy hanging out on a beach and the sunsets. LOL and walking barefoot. LOL of course to her, on a beach with a dog will make sense. she has a thing for dogs, right? next is virginia beach, VA. wow. that’s where bruce lee’s place is. and it’s where he’s planning to open up a new business. it’s near the boston area and NY and near the bigger schools of the ivy league. oh man. this is so complicated. where?? LOL but God, i love this place. this just like make things happen. oh wow.

key west is just as cool too. it’s a group of islands off the coast of FLA. oh man. and the bahamas. shiite. you could always get better deals and go there for a real bargain. this is so grrreat. and the caribbean group of islands. oh man. stoked as shit. and of course, the long boards place, hawaii. oh oh oh. it’s just grreat out here man. yessssss! love it!

i’ll be with keira on these beach trips. of course. the K in my life. Konstant.

it’s kinda busy now at the capital. you know the long weekend fun, it’s all on tv. martin luther king jr. day. inauguration day. lots of concerts and all. saw U2 on tv performing at the lincoln memorial. pride (in the name of love). oh wow. in the name of love, what more in the name of love…

"early morning, april 4

shot rings out in the memphis sky

free at last, they took your life

they could not take your pride"

yes. it was the day martin luther king was assassinated. documented and immortalized on this U2 song. cool. oh yes. but we will overcome. we will prevail.

oh U2 has a new album. it’s gonna be released on march 3, i think. but it’s already streaming on their website.

oh barbie gave me today the poster she promised. oh yes. promises are never made to be broken. it’s your word. it should stand. it just shows the real you. oh the poster is for robin. oh no, not for me. LOL it’s joe jonas. sounds gay but the kid just adores him so much. it’s her thing too. oh man. she will be real happy. and the eyes, dude. it’ll melt my heart. but i have to find the right timing to give it to her as a surprise. all in the best time.

9:03 pm. gotta grab some dinner first. i’m starving.

9:35 pm.

bruce lee was asking me when do i get my day off from work. told him i’m not gonna have one. he was like what? are you not tired at all? LOL no mr. bruce. i am not tired at all. maybe i’ll have my day off when i go back to the school again for the final meeting and that compass test. yes. maybe next week. i have to check my emails later.

barbie is planning to go somewhere on spring break. that’s gonna be on the second week of march, i guess. hmmm. myrtle beach? virginia beach is nearer.

before eating, dragon was waiting for me. we played for a while first. belly rub. oh he loves it. bitey-bitey. he’s just so sweet. makes you forget your problems for a while. he’s just like a kid. a baby boy. baby D.

okay. let’s listen to some grandpas first. an oldie oldie. peter cetera and the chicago. you’re the inspiration. oh peter cetera is old now. maybe 60 years old, i think. oh wow. but this band has lots of hits. soundtracks.

"you should know, everywhere i go

you’re always on my mind, in my heart

in my soul"

sweet lines. oh yes.

another of the grandpas. oldie oldie. survivor. high on you. an old band. so many hits as well. soundtracks too.

"started crushin’ in

now i’m higher than a kite

i know i’m gettin’ hooked on your love……

…piercin’ eyes, like a raven………

…such complete intoxication, i’m high on you"

so sweet lines.

shoveling snow is never fun. it’s a tiring exercise especially if you do it every day. it’s not even shoveling now. it’s ice breaking. breaking mounds of almost knee high ice. oh my. this is crazy. it’s like working in a quarry back home maybe. you break those boulders and load them up. it’s closer to that. maybe the only difference is it’s cold out here. but you know i don’t even give up, even if it’s back breaking. the point is i enjoy doing it. this might not be the dream job of a fucking preppy guy but i enjoy my life here. at least for now. i think that’s the only essence in life. if you enjoy what you do. even if you’re a senior manager of whatever if you don’t enjoy a shit, it just doesn’t make sense doing it, right? yes, i’m relentless. but if things start not to make sense, i can stop. instantly. i had once the probably one of the coolest jobs back home, but when things started not to make sense anymore, i stopped instantly. i was like okay, i’m done. i’m not doing nothing more of your crap. i resign. yes. now. it’s conviction still, right? anyway i didn’t promise them nothing at all in the first place. so if you’re not happy anymore, just cut the crap. and mind you, you will end up happier than ever. oh yes. done that before. and i have never been any happier. than what and where i am now. hell yeah!

mr. bruce is always mean to all customers. i mean not to all but not to those with whom he has been close friends with. but maybe he learned that things like his style don’t work all the time. you need diplomacy. that’s why he lets me face rowdy and shithead customers. coz maybe my anger threshold just like my pain threshold is so high. i don’t get pissed off easily. coz i talk to them, try to read their thoughts and address what they want. it’s like you can always say the same things nicely and politely. so it’s a good cop/bad cop scenario at the store now. but lately the old man is quite learning the stuff. he’s trying to do it the other way. and that’s cool. you have to win them all and not scare them away, right?

it’s like you don’t fight fire with fire. you can always fight back from a safe distance without the enemy even knowing it. and just surprise your enemy with his/her defeat. but if all fails, then surely fight. fire with fire. and bring them hell. burn them to the ashes. it’s the last recourse always though. but always an option. yes. panic button.

10:41 pm.

oh yes. just like drinking. when it started not to make sense anymore i just stop instantly. and that’s it. well, smoking still makes sense now. and this log too. i mean this will never stop making sense. not at all.

barbie wants to borrow baby D for an afternoon. or maybe a sleep over. she wanna pick me up and baby D and drive me to work and drive me home again with baby D. she really adores dragon. well, let’s see. i have to make some arrangements here at home. you know dragon is not my dog. maybe if i can sleep over too then maybe they might let baby D sleep over as well. LOL

back in HS, there was this really famous cardinal of the catholic church. and i had the opportunity to hear this guy, cardinal sin deliver a homily at school. oh my, i can’t forget the charisma. you just can’t be bored the whole time. he talks really well. the charisma is just so great that you just can’t stop listening to him. and so is this another guy, a priest, father sonny ramirez. he too speaks so good. the body language. the tone. the eyes. everything. they are so good. it’s when i thought that i wanna learn their craft. how to talk really good. so i somehow find myself practicing and learning the way. until now it’s still a learning progression. i always see the new president talk on tv. his speeches. i know he doesn’t compose them coz of his very busy skeds. but he delivers it well. really well. it’s kinda monotone or something and the words are so simple yet they connect. it’s so effective. God, i wanna talk like him. it’s so good if you always get the message across with conviction. pretty cool, huh?

btw, it’s still cold in the D. damn. what’s new?

oh it’s my bedtime now. LOL

let’s end this post with a sweet song from a local band. oh it’s a singing day, huh? south border. kahit kailan. this is like a promise song. sweet lines. really. line per line.

"kahit kailan

di kita iiwan

kahit kailan

di kita pababayaan

kahit kailan…"

oh yes. kahit kailan.

well. time to go. tomorrow’s a brighter day. gonna be a better day. the sun will come out tomorrow. yes. hopeful.

outta here. 10:59 pm.

TWENTY ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

8:02 pm. home.

i dunno. but it’s super cold on my long walk home. i’m bundled up and all but i still felt so cold. damn.

sucks. the router is messing up again. why is it that when it’s time to go online again, it just acts up. crazy.

let’s hear some grandpas again. england dan and john ford coley. one hit wonder. oh yeah. i think they had just an album but it was all hits on the charts. i’d really love to see you tonight.

"we could go walking through a windy park

or take a drive along the beach.

or stay at home and watch t.v.

you see, it really doesn’t matter much to me"

we have a new style of wig on sale. it’s like a breakthrough in the wig industry. we got it like 3 days ago. it’s called a lace front wig. the regular wigs have like a band all around. but this new one has a lace up front which makes it look more natural. with the lace in place, you can see the scalp through it. but these state of the art wigs are expensive. we have only the synthetic ones but the price range from 80 up to more than a hundred bucks. but we sell it cheaper for like 60 bucks. bruce lee had some doubts if it will sell coz people don’t wanna pay so much for a wig, you know. we have wigs for like 10 bucks up to 30 bucks. we have more expensive synthetic ones for like 30 bucks up and it doesn’t even sell much. so a 60 dollar wig is a big question mark. the new concept is already out in the market though and people have been asking about this lace front thing. but you know how some people just ask and if they see the price they won’t even buy the thing. but bruce took the gamble. we just have to push the stuff to customers. yesterday, i sold one to a lady. proving my worth again, huh? oh no. it’s not an order taker thing. i explained and detailed the thing to the lady. at first there were some reactions but eventually she bought one. wow. today she came back again. she was so happy about the new wig that she bought another 2 wigs today. wow. and in the evening, i again sold another 2 of that hairpiece to another lady. wow. i feel so good about myself now. i still could make things happen. i still could kick some ass. i still could nail shit. wow. great.

and there’s another thing that i’m so excited about too. going back to school. i was checking the nursing pre requisite subjects sent by barbie thru email. oh it’s mostly sciences of course. LOL microbiology. pharma something. biology. zoology. anatomy. oh my. this is more of memory work, i guess. well then, this is my game. i’m gonna show them what i got. i will nail this shit too. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

what worries me though are the number subjects. math. computation and shit. oh my. you know how bad is my basic math foundation. oh yes. damn. some physics. some chemistry. and what else. damn. but it’s barbie’s game, i know. she just loves math subjects, she’s in engineering btw. i told her to watch my back on these match subjects. and she will. thank God. but let’s see.

oh it’s so cold in the pantry. damn. i look like a sherpa eating. so wrapped up while having my late lunch. funny.

oh rachel atherton. a downhill beauty. a goddess. so hot. a face behind a name. wow. she’s just a total hottie. hottie meter: 100.

foolish heart. steve perry of the journey. oldie song. oldie singer as well. LOL

"feelin’ that feelin’ again

i’m playin’ a game i can’t win

love’s knockin’ on the door

of my heart once more

think i’ll let her in

before i begin"

brb. shower time. poop time. LOL

10:23 pm.

played with baby D. oh i remember papo. missed papo. i remember way before in the better times. i and bu would play with papo always. we would have the a/c full blast and we would hide under the comforter. and papo would dig and dig and try to find a way to get in. and he keeps on barking at us. LOL and we would call his name to piss him off. LOL and papo would also join us while i and bu play horsey-horsey, koala-koala and nosey-nosey. LOL that was fun though. those were the times. when bu was still way younger and papo as well.

matt bianco. half a minute. jazz. basia on the vocals. oldie song.

"what is there to say

when all the love has slipped away

in half a minute

there is always something we can blame

but in the end, it’s just the same

suddenly, you find yourself alone."

colonial mentality. well, this is us. our culture. that’s why maybe i’m here now. for a better life. we all know it. the people who occupied us taught us to be this way. spanish and americans. mtv and hollywood taught us the same way too. they call us brown americans. i think we are the only people in asia who speak english fluently. LOL funny, though. but you know this thing is killing us. we are never taught to support local. maybe coz the local stuff is not as good as the imported ones. oh yeah. quite true. value for money. locals are crappy. the APEC thing ushered more tax free importation. libby’s corned beef is way cheaper than the local purefoods. crazy, aint it? there was a time when i was still with a food company, we were competing with our very own brands imported by a different source. LOL chocolates. even dog food. what sucked was the parallel importers. and the government can’t even do anything to stop it. crazy. lately, rice which is our staple food is becoming more expensive locally but the imported ones from other asian countries are way cheaper and btw looked better. this is killing our local farmers. damn. others have foreigners as partners for life. enhancing the breed, i guess. of course the result of the mix is always better. one of the customers here in the D has a pinoy hubby. saw their kid, not bad. the kid’s pretty. a black and a pinoy mix at that. others are happy with it, so it seemed. i guess. but others were not so lucky. they end up abused or worse dead and claimed for insurance purposes. oh especially those mail order brides. so sick. pathetic. culture shock maybe. oh fuck them. how about mail order hubbies? anyone? LOL

van halen. why can’t this be love? a classic rock. cool song.

"i tell myself,

hey! only fools rush in

only time will tell

if we stand the test of time"

11:24 pm.

btw, the router is still messed up. oh no. damn.

walking. i always talked about this. i always walk. way back in grade school, i always see kids walking to school. the whole stretch is maybe about 2 kms. it’s way much lesser than the distance i walk out here every day. i always wondered how it felt walking like them. coz they always seem so happy, you know. they played while walking. they laughed all the time. they’re running sometimes. oh my. i wanna be like them. when i was in HS, i walked that stretched. and it felt good. but you know how provincial the people’s minds are back where i grew up, everybody seems to know everybody. it’s a city but it’s so rural in their thinking. so provincial. it sucks. when they see you walking, it’s either you don’t have gas or you don’t have trike money. oh damn. and the whole place talks about you.

fuck them too. LOL this is so crazy. it’s no different from a place back home far south of negros island, sipalay. LOL anyway, that was my first experience in walking. and it was a progression after that. i walked going to the beach. i walked when i feel like walking. and i don’t even care. in college, i still walk especially when all my allowance money is already with tya mels. LOL during my sales stint, in my travels back home, i usually stop by unfamiliar towns. i just parked near a police station and walk around. just exploring the place, you know. this works best during local fiestas where the town is kinda busy with all the ukay-ukay stuff and the peria. then i just wander around. it’s cool. and it always felt good. i remember when i was in sydney, i walked from the sydney harbor down to china town. that’s quite far, dude. i remember i passed by a group of green peace guys protesting and i even watched their show. LOL so funny. when i got back at the hotel, everybody was pissed off trying to find where i was. LOL i turned off my phone that’s why. being alone and walking in an unfamiliar territory is just so cool. oh yeah.

basia. astrud. jazz. cool song. a song about who else? astrud gilberto. tall and tan and young and lovely. TTYL.

"with a certain smile

she can make you feel so nice

saying gently goodbye sadness

still will break your heart"

oh man. the router still off. we are all offline now. damn. wtf! 12:16 am.

2:49 am.

so crazy. outta here. router sucks so bad. gotta do some shit first.

TWENTY TWO ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

8:18 pm. home. dinner done.

"so when you sense a change

nothing feels the same

all your dreams are strange, love comes walkin in

(van halen)

an oldie though. but a classic. wow. the words, dude. check this out too. van halen writes good, huh. oh yes.

"how does it feel when it’s love?

it’s just something you feel together"

(van halen)

exactly. oh yes.

still from van halen. again. dreams.

"higher and higher who knows what we’ll find

and in the end on dreams we will depend

cause that’s what love is made of "

wow. a van halen night. LOL but yes. the words rock. creepy. LOL

27 january 2009. damn. just got online again. this was a very long post. i was talking about peter pan and all but i think it was not saved when i got offline. oh my. it’s okay though. i’m just gonna recompose that thing in my future posts. but man, that was a good post.

outta here for now. still have to post for the other days. damn backlogs.

oh here’s the remaining part of the post. i almost forgot, i saved it. but the peter pan part was missing. that part i will recompose in my other succeeding posts.

today’s warmer than the past days. quite overcast though. but tomorrow’s gonna be warmer than today. i think it’s above freezing. wow. i’m not gonna wear thermals tomorrow. yes!

we sell some body jewelry at the museum. like the belly rings and the tongue rings. some stuff got in today. i was checking on the tongue rings. there’s this with the name cocksucker and bang me. LOL what’s the tongue ring for anyway? you can’t even flaunt it coz it’s in your mouth. well. unless you walk with your tongue out. oh well. based on some inscriptions on it, i think i already figured out what’s it’s for. LOL

well. this thing started out as a web log. it’s better to save your files in a server somewhere than on your own laptop, you know. if your laptop crashed then all your files are gone. so these daily log is safe in a server somewhere.

the web host has some cool features just like any other host i guess. you can see the views on a certain day. well your own visits as a user do not count. the views recorded are really the views aside from your username. well. i think people now are taking time to read what i write on here. there are days, you know, that the log registered a high viewer rating. and that’s cool. thanks dudes. and that feels good somehow. it’s somehow an appreciation for a relentless daily effort and the love for the thing. cool.

in the afternoon, i was on the register waiting on some three ghetto girls. i think i heard someone talking in tagalog. a bisayan accent tagalog. i couldn’t figure out where and who. and i saw this lady with another hmong looking lady with a kid. the other lady was smiling. it seemed that i know her but i can’t recall the familiar face. you know where did i get to meet that face plus i can’t focus coz i was talking to the three ghetto girls. eventually the lady asked me in english if i was the guy who applied a couple of months back in the store she used to work for. LOL oh yeah. she was the lady on the register on one of the stores i applied for on the west side with my friend dino. LOL yeah she was the lady. and she was with the hmong looking girl. you know when i got here, bruce lee was very pissed off with me and he wouldn’t take me back to work with him. you know i promised him that i’d be back after three months which became a year later. LOL so i applied for a job at the other stores on the west side coz my friend dino works on the west side and i could always hitch a ride with him. but you know eventually, after three tries, bruce lee took me back again to work with him. LOL anyway, the store which the lady used to work for is already closed, so she needed a job and that was why she was at the store today. she was looking for a new job. LOL anyway, bruce lee was asking me if i know the lady and i was like as an acquaintance, yes. but not personally though. i think bruce wanted some of our people to work with him. we are workaholics, i guess. LOL and the hmong looking girl, she said salamat with a matching smile on her way out. LOL she tricked me. LOL oh my. we are a typical mixed breed people. we kinda look like any race. LOL

but you know, even in a foreign land, our people could still be like crabs. so rural and so provincial. and that’s sad. anyway, bruce doesn’t need extra help for now though. we still have barbie and the 2 girls. well.

the pharmacy across the street was closed down by the cops this morning. LOL they were selling meds without a permit. LOL crazy. and they had been open since like more than a month now. and they put a sign outside after the cops closed them down. it says, under renovation. LOL

it’s almost tax season out here. and there are about 5 tax places around the block. and their business had been slow as well. you know people don’t really need their services. a lot has been laid off from work too, you know. so they come up with advertising blitz like giveaways or something. they give out candies. fliers on all the stores around here. their fully dressed up mascots standing on the streets in the biting cold hoping to catch attention and all. the guy from the liberty tax was somehow familiar now. he’s in the store almost every day leaving some fliers. today he gave me a shirt. LOL a liberty tax shirt. LOL cool, though.

went to mike’s market for some stuff for lunch. coke of course. some chocolates. and cheetos. of course there are those guys, the pretty chaldeans on the checkout counters. and the super hairy chaldean dudes. LOL maybe they don’t need those thermals. they’re all covered with hair, that’s why. LOL and oh. it must be a heaven for the hair waxing business. ouch! LOL

the router again is messing up. sucks, dude. damn. it was doing okay earlier. but. damn.

TWENTY THREE ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

"every breath you take

and every move you make

every bond you break

every step you take

i’ll be watching you"

(sting and the police)

cool old song. i think this was one of the songs on the soundtrack of the movie cat’s eye, a novel by stephen king. oh stephen king loves this band. he always mentions them in his books.

well, i am still offline. so gay.

question: would you know the difference between a bobby pin and a hairpin? i know they’re both pins. but what’s the difference? 20 pts. LOL

11:05 pm. home. home? oh at least at the place where i stay, i am home now. well the thought of the real home is kinda cool. somehow. will i? can i? indecisiveness killed the cat. well just like curiosity. lame.

it was a high of about 37F today but overcast though. well, it’s above freezing. no thermals for today. wow. but the temp dropped in the afternoon. damn. it’s so cold again. it’s like i wanna hug mr. and ms. bruce lee. LOL but you know, it’s tolerable. but still. oh it snowed again tonight. darn.

i gave robin the first of the three posters barbie gave me. you know the jonas brothers posters. gay, though. but you know the kid adores them especially joe. LOL it’s always a-close-your-eyes for the surprise thing. and when she opened her eyes, oh man, her mouth was open wide but she just couldn’t find the words. speechless. exactly. and the happy sparkle in her eyes. oh man. it’s priceless. it hit right home. it felt great too. she was jumping and running. she was so happy. and to top it all, she said thanks T.G. kids really know how to appreciate things, dude. that’s why i love kids. and i love to be a kid as well. it’s the kid in you who doesn’t want to complicate things. full of dreams in an uncertain world. full of hope in a hopeless world. full of ambitions in this unforgiving world. so simple. so bright is the outlook beyond the grim reality of things. you’re welcome for saying thank you, rob.

well, the impact hit the mark. cool. i still have the two posters and the two bracelets for the upcoming surprises. timing, dude. the right time for the right things. you rock, rob.

i was talking about the simple pleasures of life last night. being complicated does not answer all our problems, it adds to it though. being complicated is not pure happiness, never a peace of mind. for sure, dawg. i just can see the fake smiles. the out of focus stares. the distracted conversations. always out of line. pathetic. but you know, you can never go wrong with the simple pleasures in life. the basics. it’s the best things in life. and of course it’s free. and these things last forever. a 2000 inch LCD HD TV will soon be forgotten maybe faster than an afternoon nap. a 20G compatible touch screen blah blah phone is just as good as the day after next. yeah i know. people still buy it. i mean there are still so much materialism in this world. and it’s a reality. well. materialistic guys suck. fuck them. yes. again, fuck them. well it boils down to your priorities in life.

gary v. the warrior is a child. a genius song writer. a man of faith. full of energy despite. check the words of the song. it’s so creepy. goose bumps, dude. goose bumps. well. underneath the armor, underneath it all, the warrior is still a child. the warrior is still weak. right. underneath all the toughness, is a pure weakness.

the number 8. they say it’s the only number that ends in an upward motion when you write it. oh yeah. that’s why the chinks think it’s good luck. 888. special plate #s. 08 08 08. but 8 is a symbol of eternity. coz when you write it, it’s never-ending. it’s forever. it’s like a circle. i always say about forever, right? and the symbol 8 is in my ink and other symbols of forever. maybe i want the forever thing in my system, that’s why. i don’t wanna lose things again. especially things that really matter. it should always be forever.

"as endless as forever

our love will stay together

you are all i need to be with forever more"

(side a band)

a local band. such a sweet song. yeah. really. forever it is.

drove to meijer earlier. errands on my stuff. food. coke. marlboros. hang around. feels like shit. there’s this filipina lady greeter. but, she’s tagalog. we talked. we always do if she’s on duty. about filipino stores and the pinoy crabs. yeah. the mentality. wherever. puta. iba talaga ang noypi. walang kakupas-kupas. pag dating dito, crab pa rin sila. darn. that’s why we are so full of third world shit. we never improve. and will never be.

oh it’s so boring out here. I’ll be damned. sucks.

2:07 am. outta here.

TWENTY FOUR ZERO ONE ZERO NINE

8:52 pm. room.

before i turned on this thing, i just sat on my bed still on my work clothes and winter gear. just thinking. what the hell is this? at least keira is here on my side. well, what’s next? what’s this life’s for anyway. linkin park is on my phone mp3 player. somewhere i belong. maybe yes. maybe not at all. but for positivity’s sake, there must be that somewhere that i really belong. and maybe, that’s what you call home. but where? is there? will there ever be? baseball has its homeruns. football has its touchdowns. but. what about me? i dunno. madapaka!

"i wanna heal, i wanna feel like i’m close to something real

I wanna find something i’ve wanted all along

somewhere i belong"

(linkin park)

my all time fave. the words were written exactly the way it should be.

it’s still cold. i really can’t tell the temp coz we are offline for 2 days now. and i don’t even watch tv. but as i felt it, it’s in the single digits again. i can feel my hands go numb even with the gloves on. damn. but it’s sunny somehow. this is the perfect thing for winter, i guess. a real sunny day in the blistering cold. so glaring with all the snow. it’s not depressing somehow. yeah. somehow.

ferrero. oh my, i just love this stuff. the nuts and all. i love this. really. one of my backpacks’ must-haves.

oh, i’m on my day off work for tomorrow. i wanted a day off. i wanted 2 days off but bruce lee has to confirm the monday off tomorrow. i finally wanted to rest. i begin to feel real slower now. it’s like the system is about to bog down. yes, i still nail all the shit at work but i can feel i am not that sharp lately. i need to slow down for a while. i need to regroup. recharge. stop. and be back way better. i hope so.

but it’s not gonna be a rest day tomorrow. i’m planning to drive somewhere. maybe somewhere where i could relax and just hang out. chill out. somewhere i could forget things for a while. well.

lick. shoot. suck. this is one of the greatest things. goes best on a beach setting. yes. really. tequila.

i was nailing things left and right at work, dude. wig after wig. hair after hair. persuasive and not hard selling. wow. not a mere order taker. mr. bruce and mrs. bruce always appreciate things, you know, and that just make you feel great. a simple good job or a pat on a shoulder always connects.

it is a super busy day at work. seriously busy. can’t even squeeze some time to grab a smoke. but again. doing a thing you really love is non-negotiable. i still find the time and excuse to do the thing.

there’s this guy who helps the guys at mobile. pretty old and i think he doesn’t speak english that much. i think he’s chaldean too. but he always greets me every time but i can’t really figure out what he’s saying. LOL i just wave and say the usual whaddups. i can’t even tell if he understands or if he could even hear me. LOL the only english word i heard him say was thanks. LOL but a cool old man though.

there was this german tourist who came to the store. he was asking for directions. he speaks a little english though but more of a sign language. crazy. he doesn’t have a GPS and not even a map. and he wanna go to hamtramck, a german and predominantly polish place out here. he was gonna take the seven mile road. oh my. not there. if he’ll get lost in that area, he’s gonna be fucked up. not in those ghettos, dude. damn. he’ll end up robbed. LOL bruce gave him directions to take the interstate 94. no, not on seven mile road. or he’ll be fuckin damned. LOL

bloopers. a couple was looking for some snippers at the store. what the hell is a snipper? oh she meant nippers. LOL maybe it’s my bad hearing or something but i heard her talking about a pet shop. LOL and i was like is it for your dog? and she was like no, it’s for him, my husband, pointing at the big guy with her. oh my. LOL i think i heard him growl. LOL oops. my bad. so embarrassing.

last time there was also this lady who wanted to use my phone, but you know she is willing to pay some kind of amount. she just wanna call a friend. a very important thing, i guess. and i was like i don’t have a cell phone. then somebody called me up. my phone rang. LOL and she was like, what was that? and she was like is that your phone ringing? LOL darn.

in the interest of safety, 2 hours before closing, we are already locking the door to screen customers especially guys on a slow day. we don’t wanna be robbed you know. there was this guy the other day with a snow shovel. he was saying something which i couldn’t really figure out coz of the closed door and i was talking with barbie. and i was like we’re closed. LOL but the neon open sign at the door is still on. LOL barbie was laughing. good thing the guy doesn’t know how to read. maybe. or maybe he didn’t see it. he might be very pissed off at me if he read the open sign. LOL funny.

francis m. kaleidoscope world. cool song. cool dude. local singer. vegan, weed diet. LOL

"some are great and some are few

others lie while some tell the truth

some say poems and some do sing

others sing through their guitar strings

some know it all while some act dumb…"

some suck. while some rock. oh yeah. that’s true.

i remember francis m’s bar back home at cebu way back. i forgot the name but it’s along a. s. fortuna st. it’s like zero below or something. i forgot. but it was closed down eventually. well it was a rave bar. and after several years, the local government said they figured out something illegal happening inside. x was on the menu. yes. LOL crazy. is that even true? LOL