Teaching Learning: Helping Your Kids Gain the Learning Skills They Won’T Get Taught in School

By Sid Jacobson

Since the 1970s, educators, psychologists and politicians have continually stressed the need to help children actually learn how to learn. This groundbreaking book is the first of its kind to do just that. Aimed at parents who want to start their kids off on the right track, this book is actually a step-by-step course to help you teach your kids how to learn.

Its filled with explanations, exercises, tips, check lists and guidelines to help you at every step in the process. Your kids wont learn these things in school, because schools arent equipped to provide it. Here is your chance to make up for whats missing in the classroom. You wont find anything like it anywhere else.

THIS BOOK IS GREAT! Sid has written what may be the definitive guide for parents (... and anyone else who works with children). He literally covers it all: how to prepare yourself, the most important things you need to pay attention to when you are working with children to help them succeed...

-Joseph Riggio, Ph.D., Cognitive Scientist, author of The State of Perfection

The frustration with learning can be greatly alleviated if we apply the principles and processes offered in this book. If you are a parent, teacher or have ever been a young frustrated learner, you will love this book....

-Judith DeLozier, Co-author of NLP II: The Next Generation

In a remarkably practical and engaging way, Sid Jacobson offers helpful and unique suggestions for how to help kids to fall in love with learning to learn. It is clear that Sid is sharing a passion that he has developed for many years. I highly recommend this book!

-Stephen Gilligan, Ph.D., Psychologist, author of The Courage To Love

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781475993486

Sid Jacobson

Sid Jacobson holds a PhD in clinical psychology, and has been an expert in the field of neurolinguistic programming for over thirty-five years. He is an expert in the application of NLP for education and training and is the author of the first book on that subject, Meta-Cation: Prescriptions for Some Ailing Educational Processes, as well as four other books. He trains and consults with professionals, teachers, and parents all over the world. www.SidJacobson.com

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 by Sid Jacobson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of a physician. While every effort has been made to ensure that the information here is accurate and up-to-date at the time of writing, the reader should consult a physician in matters relating to his or her health, as well as the health of their children, whenever making medical decisions.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-9349-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-9347-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-9348-6 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 07/08/2013

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

PART 1

Preparing Yourself: Parent as Teacher

Introduction to Part 1   You Can Do More Than You Know

Chapter 1     Your Role

Chapter 2     Understanding People, the Basics

Chapter 3     Understanding Relationships, The Basics

Chapter 4     Communication

Chapter 5     Understanding the Task

Chapter 6     Understanding Systems (School and Otherwise) And Working with Teachers

Part 2

Teaching skills: How to Do It

Introduction to Part 2   Intention

Chapter 7     Rapport and Flexibility

Chapter 8     Kinds of learning: Six Categories

Chapter 9     Paying Attention to Paying Attention

Chapter 10   Common Sense(s): Using the Five Senses You Were Born with

Chapter 11   Creating and Setting Up Learning Experiences

Part 3

The Skills of Learning: Things Your Kids Won’t Learn in School, about Learning

Introduction to Part 3   Teaching Your Kids What They Really Need to Learn

Chapter 12   How to Control Your State of Mind

Chapter 13   How to Come to Your Senses (And Remember What You Learned Later)

Chapter 14   How to Learn From Reading

Chapter 15   How to Communicate Effectively

Chapter 16   How to Study to Learn, Remember and Use What You’ve Learned

Part 4

Troubleshooting and Getting More Help When You Need It

Introduction to Part 4   Whose Problem Is This, Anyway?

Chapter 17   When the Problem Is Yours

Chapter 18   When the Problem Is the Kids’

Chapter 19   When the Problem Is the School’s

Chapter 20   Working with Consultants

Appendix I  A Special Note to the Parent of a Child with a Diagnosis

Appendix II  A Special Note for Practitioners of NLP

Chapter Notes

Recommended Books for Further Study

When Sid Jacobson invited me to preview his new book, Teaching Learning, I was delighted as I know how knowledgeable he is; and how good a writer as well. THIS BOOK IS GREAT!

Sid has written what may be the definitive guide for parents (and teachers, counselors, therapists, coaches and anyone else who works with children). He literally covers it all: how to prepare yourself, the most important things you need to pay attention to when you are working with children to help them succeed, motivation, strategies, interventions. He has addressed more things than I could think of that will help your child to enjoy the process of learning.

I know Sid as a Master NLP Trainer and he’s translated what could be incomprehensible to the average person into a virtual step-by-step guide book to what it takes to make sure your child succeeds. If you apply even one quarter of what Sid covers in Teaching Learning you’re child will be on the way to be a master learner of anything they put their attention on, now and for the rest of their lives.

By the time you’ve read through Teaching Learning you will be more informed about how children learn and what it takes to insure they are successful than most educators you will ever meet. While Sid has covered all the theory you would ever hope to know about how people learn (not just children, but adults as well), this is most definitely a how-to book with examples, exercises and a series of interesting, innovative, exciting and educational experiments for you to master the material he includes.

I read several hundred books a year and seldom rave about any, however Teaching Learning is one of the few books I’m raving about. As proof of how important I think this book is I’m planning on buying many copies and giving them out to literally everyone I know and care about who has children, regardless of their age or where they are in their schooling experience. I’m even including those who have grown children who are well beyond their schooling years. It’s never too late to learn when you know how to do it well, and this book is a gift to anyone who wants to know how, or help someone else get it.

—Joseph Riggio, Ph.D., Cognitive Scientist,

author of The State of Perfection

The problem is never how to get new innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get the old ones out.

—Dee Hock

CEO Visa International.

As I was reading Sid’s book, the above quote came to mind. From my experience as a teacher of adults I have found this statement to be profoundly true. Sid is offering us an alternative. Children have a natural creativity of mind waiting to learn, to be taught and sponsored. In fact, it is this childhood learning time, when the old ideas are becoming fixed, that later will be so difficult to soften.

Here is an alternative to creating these habits in the first place. The frustration with learning can be greatly alleviated if we apply the principles and processes offered in this book. If you are a parent, teacher or have ever been a young frustrated learner you will love this book.

Sid points out that the state of being is of key importance in learning, that trying to learn when frustrated, afraid etc. is not useful. Sid helps us understand the importance in the sensory channels for in-putting, representing and out-putting information.

There are many book written about NLP and the various applications to leadership, health, coaching and consulting but nothing is more relevant than education and learning.

Whether problem solving learning issues or supporting a life long learning attitude, this book points out the important application of NLP to the process of learning and leaving a legacy for teachers and learners that makes a difference.

—Judith DeLozier, Co-author of NLP II: The Next Generation

In a remarkably practical and engaging way, Sid Jacobson offers helpful and unique suggestions for how to help kids to fall in love with ‘learning to learn’. It is clear that Sid is sharing a passion that he has developed for many years. I highly recommend this book!

—Stephen Gilligan, Ph.D., Psychologist,

author of The Courage To Love

Also by Sid Jacobson

Meta-Cation, Vols. I, II & III

Solution States

With Dixie Elise Hickman, Ph.D.

The Power Process

To my wife Cindi Lanza Jacobson, a gifted counselor and extraordinary mentor and role model to all the children in our lives. And, to all the children I’ve worked with over the years, as well as my nieces and nephews who I love so much.

I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy.

John Adams

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;

the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself;

Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

George Bernard Shaw

Acknowledgments

The author would like to acknowledge and thank the following people and sources for their help and guidance, as well as permission to use their material, without which this work would have been far less intelligible.

I’d like to thank Robert Dilts and Judy DeLozier for their support over the years, and regular invitations to join them as a guest trainer at NLP University in Santa Cruz, California. I appreciate their continued collaboration, support and friendship which enriches me as well as it has so many others. Robert is responsible for some of the most useful ideas in this book including the Neuro-Logical Levels.

An additional thanks to Judy, and to Joseph Riggio and Steve Gilligan, for agreeing to read advance copies of the book and for their generous comments.

I’d also like to acknowledge the contributions of the late Todd Epstein. His work in developing some of the basic principles of NLP, especially in the area of sub-modalities, and his work with Robert Dilts on Dynamic Learning contributed greatly to this the ideas in this book. Our many discussions of these ideas, and of applying NLP to all areas of living, will always be important parts of my personal growth and history.

Thanks also to Dixie Hickman, Ph.D. for her help in editing the manuscript.

I’d also like to thank my wonderful sister-in-law, Karen Jacobson, for her invaluable advice and collaboration on the illustrations in this book. She is responsible for figures 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 18, 19, 20, 24, and 25. Of course the ideas in the figures belong to me and others, but her work helps bring those ideas forward much better than I am capable of.

No book on NLP is complete without acknowledgment and thanks to Richard Bandler and John Grinder, co-developers of the ever-expanding technology of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Their genius, collective and individual, has seldom been matched in the field of human behavior and systems thinking.

A special acknowledgment goes to my many adult students and the many people who have trusted me to help them and their kids improve in learning, and in life. Much of what is here is the outgrowth of workshops I’ve conducted over the years, in a variety of countries and settings, especially in the UK, Singapore, Malaysia, and Romania, as well as the in United States.

All of these people helped make this book better and they deserve much of the credit for what is here that is good. The book itself, of course, is mine so any limitations or flaws are mine alone.

Finally, a special thanks goes to my wife and long-time companion Cindi Jacobson for putting up with me for all these years. The same to my parents, brothers, in-laws, nieces, nephews and other extended family, for the same reason.

Introduction

What this book is for

We all have dreams about how life can be, for us and those we love. We also have delusions, myths, and strange beliefs about what’s possible, what’s real. Some of them work for us, some don’t. We develop and learn these delusions, myths and beliefs through our experiences in life. But none of us has more than a narrow range of experiences, compared to what’s possible in the world. We forget that. We think our delusions, myths and beliefs are real. We think they’re right. We think they’re the only ones that make sense. We’re usually mistaken.

When we’re growing up, most of us go to school. We learn. We also learn about learning. And, we make up delusions, myths and beliefs about that, too. This book is, first and foremost, about taking another look at those delusions, myths and beliefs. It’s about listening to what we say to others, and ourselves, about learning, what’s possible, real, right, or sensible. Then we get to think about those things again and, just maybe, change our minds.

To me, the sadness in our delusions, myths and beliefs is that we spread them; in a sense we do them to other people, like our kids. We think things about them, their abilities, their learning and what to do for (to, about) them to get them to be successful. So we pass those beliefs along, for better or worse. Whatever you believe about your kids, you may change those as you go through the beliefs and experiments in this book.

My dream is that, sometime in the future, all learning will begin with a learning to learn. In this dream, learning to learn is taught in schools everywhere. It is systematic, inclusive, loving and fun. It prepares kids everywhere to be able to learn anything they need to, quickly, effectively, enjoyably. Then we will live in a world of people who were educated this way, so that they could live happy, healthy, productive, creative and innovative lives. It’s a big dream. My part is to show you that it’s possible; and that since it isn’t happening in school, yet, you can begin to create it yourself. We have a lot of good technology already, and there is no need to wait.

In a real sense, we probably shouldn’t have to teach kids about learning. In fact, they should probably be teaching us, but the reality is that they aren’t learning, in school, the way they should be. In many cases they are unlearning some of their natural abilities and gifts. It may be that with a lot of kids we simply need to undo what happens to them in school.

This book is designed to help you develop a true learning to learn program for your kids. In this program, you’ll be observing, helping, guiding, coaching and teaching them how to learn. That means, of course, you’ll learn these skills yourself. It’s never too late. What it’s not about is fixing your kids. They aren’t broken. It’s not about making them do things they don’t want to do. And it’s not about taking over responsibility for everything they do or learn, in or out of school. It’s also not about what to learn. It’s about how to learn. Many parents only pick up a book like this to find some trick about getting their kids to do something they don’t seem interested in doing. This isn’t a book of tricks; it’s a book about having and using a system that builds skills and supports learning that will last a lifetime.

The book is in four parts:

Part 1 is about why we would want to teach our own kids and what it’s about.

Part 2 is about how to go about the teaching process.

Part 3 is about which skills to teach, specifically.

Part 4 is about when there are problems, how to handle them.

It is written in a sequence that builds skills, improves communication and relationships, and develops a real systematic approach to learning, in or out of school. Because it’s in sequence, I recommend that you follow it in order. Sure, there may be parts you can skip, because you think you and your kids are skilled in those areas, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look them over. Scan the whole book to see what’s here, first. Then, dive in and spend the time you need to in the parts you need the most. Feel free to share it with your kids, their teachers and others you care about, when you think the time is right. And enjoy the process. Learning should be enjoyable.

Who am I to write this?

Who am I, and why am I writing this book to you, a parent? Well, there are lots of answers to those questions, and I’ll give a few. First of all, I am someone who cares a lot about people in general (sometimes too much for my own good), and most of all about kids. I have written several books for teachers prior to this one. All of them were aimed at getting the latest knowledge, techniques and skills into the hands of teachers, who could then pass it along to the people who could use it the most: the kids.

Those books came from experiences I had years ago when I was a social worker helping families and kids in a family service agency. Almost all of the people I worked with had very low incomes, came from a pretty awful school system and had many different kinds of problems. But what brought a lot of them to see me were school problems. There was one pattern that kept showing itself over and over again. Kids would be sent to me because they were getting is some kind of trouble—fights, skipping class, disrupting and the like. Also, most of them had been diagnosed with various kinds of learning disabilities. Sometimes the teachers and counselors openly recognized that the behavior problems were a direct result of the learning problems. Kids had trouble, felt stuck, stupid, embarrassed, angry or worse, and would act out in some way. But they just wanted me to fix the behavior. I refused.

My feeling at the time was that the aim of fixing the child (who wasn’t broken in the first place) was unfair and short-sighted. I remembered how it felt when I was young and had trouble learning in school. I was frustrated too. I didn’t know what to do, and I was angry because I couldn’t find the help I needed a lot of the time. And I came from good schools. I imagined what it must have been like for those kids I was trying to help. Not only weren’t they getting the help they needed, but then they had to go home, often to difficult family situations, in neighborhoods filled with poverty, drugs, crime and very low expectations for improvement. Not very hopeful.

My decision was to try to make a difference that would last, what we sometimes call the difference that makes a difference. I believed that if I could help the kids with their learning problems, the behavior would clear up on its own, and I might actually give these kids some tools that would help lift them out of some of the hopelessness and, just maybe, make a real impact on their lives.

What I found, to my surprise, was that there was nothing I couldn’t teach these kids. Nothing. I found myself doing lots of experimenting to find out what made the difference in their ability to learn when they were with me, as opposed to when they were in school. At the time I was using a set of principles and skills I’d been studying from a field called Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) to guide me. NLP, along with clear perception, is a combination that works. It’s what most of this book is based on, so I’ll share lots more of that with you as we go along. I believe that our ability to learn is equal to our ability to solve problems and live healthy, happy and productive lives. I wish I’d known all these things when I was a kid.

PART 1

Preparing Yourself:

Parent as Teacher

Introduction to Part 1

You Can Do More Than You Know

Teaching your kids the learning skills in this book is like having kids to begin with. It’s a choice, not a chore. Like all choices, it is something you should do consciously, on purpose, with a clear intention. You are already teaching your kids lots of things, whether you’re doing it on purpose or not. Kids learn from us just by being around us, so we might as well make the learning worthwhile.

You may think that what’s in this book will be over your head, too time consuming or too complicated. It isn’t really. It will depend mostly on how you use it. You can make the choice to look through what is between these covers, and pick and choose the things that you think are most worth your time and effort, as well as the time and effort of the kids. Also, there is no schedule here. Quick, slow or really really slow; it’s your choice. Use your good judgment and you’ll find this to be a fascinating journey.

This section of the book is about clarifying these things for yourself. It doesn’t involve the kids, at all. It’s about you, your role in your kids’ learning, your intentions and beliefs, and how much you really can do with, and for, your kids.

Chapter 1

Your Role

At some time or other most parents want, or feel compelled, to help their kids with their schoolwork. It can be a pretty scary task, too. Sometimes we don’t know what we’re trying to help them with much better than they do. Sometimes we don’t know it at all. Sometimes we do, but we don’t know how to get the idea across in a way that makes sense for our kids. We can’t know all the answers. What we can know, however, are the answers to why we want to help in the first place. Maybe it’s because they asked for the help. Maybe not. Perhaps someone else, like their teacher, asked us to help them, or motivate them, check on them, or stand over them. For lots of the parents I’ve worked with, it’s because they are afraid. Afraid of what their kids won’t know, or be able to do in a more competitive, complicated world. For some, they remember how much trouble they had, and they think, or at least hope, they can make it easier on their kids than it was for them. Sometimes they’re right.

I think it really is useful to spend some time thinking about these things, here, before we get started. Preparation is valuable. Your intentions will often be your guide. If you don’t have some justification that satisfies you, it sure won’t satisfy them. Be able to explain yourself to your kids; it’s part of the process.

Another part is that you be willing to be a model for what you teach them. Again, if you can’t demonstrate that something is important to you, or a part of you, they won’t buy it (learn it). This includes, especially, being willing to be a student for life. If you demonstrate to your kids that you really believe learning and studying are important, it will help tremendously. I’ve heard too many parents tell their kids: I did my time in school. Now it’s your turn. That’s like blowing cigarette smoke in their faces and telling them not to smoke.

You also, certainly, want your kids to be healthy and safe, have good relationships with others, value the things you do and learn to be successful in their world. Knowing how to teach them those things is much more complicated than just saying the words to them. Most important beliefs and experiences in life are much bigger than the words we use to talk about them. How you handle the things that are really important teaches your kids how to do the same, often regardless of what you say about those things. We’ll talk more about being a good role model later.

Who are You?

So now it’s your turn: Who are you? Before you answer, think about the question in terms of what’s most important to you as a person. Is the first answer that comes to mind what you do for a living? A plumber, an accountant, a brick layer, a doctor, a homemaker, or whatever? Is that who you are, really, or is it just what you do. If they are the same, think about it some more. People who describe themselves as being what they do miss the richness of what it means to be a human being. What you do may be an important part of you, but you are much more.

You are more than any role you play: work, parent, spouse, friend, neighbor, whatever. There is something more central to you as a person, something that stays the same even when your role changes. More than your personality. More than your personal preferences, likes, dislikes, things you do or don’t do, your habits, or your beliefs. Do you know yourself down deep inside? Most of us probably haven’t examined ourselves as completely as we could. Perhaps now would be a good time to delve a little deeper.

Good questions lead us to more than good answers. They lead to wisdom. For this reason, I’ll be posing lots of questions throughout this book. Remember, there isn’t always a right, or best, answer. Some of these questions are simply to help you think in new ways; and even lead yourself into more questions of your own. It’s more about the search than the answers—a journey, not a destination.

So, in answer to the question, Who are you? perhaps you could start with what you believe about yourself and others, especially in relationship to your kids. Are you smart? Capable? Loving? Honest? Happy? Do you believe your kids are these things? Do you talk about it with them? Do you believe you can help them become better people? Better students? Do you know yourself well enough to answer these questions?

Just as important, maybe most important in the context of what we are doing here, is the question: Who are you in the eyes and ears of your child—the one you want to help learn better in school and in life? Your ability to help a child learn is directly proportional to your relationship with that child. It’s crucial.

Because this is a book, I can’t be with you while you read it, or while you use what’s in it. I can, however, help you put it in a framework that can make it work for you in helping your kids grow and develop in ways that will be worthwhile. I’ll give you steps to follow and guidelines about thinking about people, children and learning. Also, this can be a great personal growth experience for you as well as your child or children.

Parenthood is a big responsibility and a big challenge. A friend of mine often points out how great it would be if people came with an operator’s manual that would tell us what to do when something doesn’t work right. We don’t have one, though, and until one comes along, those of us in the business of teaching and writing will continue to develop the parts of it that we can. Think of this book as part of the operator’s manual you never got when your kids showed up in your life. It’s the part about how people learn, or don’t, and what to do to make it work better.

Many people are scared half to death of raising kids. What if he turns out to be a criminal? "What if she never learns how to behave? What if… ? Some perspective is in order here. Think about your own life. If you remember back to when you were a kid, maybe the age of one of your own, it undoubtedly looked a lot different from how it looks now. You probably had totally different questions about your life than you do now. You would certainly describe yourself based on much different things than you did then. You may not feel the same about much of anything. Look back on some of the people you grew up with. Some probably turned out to be very successful, others not so much. Which ones turned out the way you expected? Which ones didn’t? How about the ones that people said things like this about?: He’s headed for a life of crime! or She’ll never amount to anything. or That’s the one who’s going to own half this town." How many of those you expected to lead a life of crime turned out pretty normal? Be honest. How about the others, the ones everyone said were headed for stardom of some sort? How many made it? We know from many studies that what happens in school doesn’t predict very well how people are going to turn out. It just doesn’t.¹ The vast majority of people end up somewhere in the middle in most ways we measure, regardless of what we predicted when they were young. Sure there are exceptions, but that’s what they are: exceptions.

Who you learn from is often as important as what you think you learn, because in any relationship we learn much more than surface information. That’s what relationships are about. The more we know about ourselves, the more we can get out of each relationship we have. The reason for these questions about you, and my description of myself to you, is that learning in school, or in life, is a team effort. Everyone has a role—teachers, parents, professionals, and the community as a whole. To the extent you make what is in this book work for you, that is the extent to which I can be on the team with you, and help make the process more fruitful and enjoyable for you and your kids.

Relationship and Task

Relationship and Task are different.² From the time we were small, we all learned to do lots of things. Tie our shoes, brush our teeth, read, count, talk, think. We learn procedures, series of tasks. Most of us are good at doing things (tasks), at least the ones we think are important, or ones that got drummed into us. But what about relationships? When did we learn how to do these? In class? I don’t think so. In our families? Maybe, if we were very lucky and had parents or others who knew how to teach us. Most of us just learned through trial and error and by paying attention to how others do relationships and using them as models. We see and hear our role models behaving in lots of different ways; and learn to copy them, whether we like it or not. And, if these role models weren’t very good at relationships, well…

I find this whole thing odd, frankly. Half of what we need in life is to make relationships work. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what the task is. If we have to do something with other people, we need to manage the relationship with those people, or the task is going to be very tough. If the relationships are good, it makes everything easier and more effective, but we get no formal training in how to do it.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can learn to have relationships that work. It isn’t hard or mysterious. In fact in NLP we know a lot about how relationships work. Any relationship. The one we have with the kids is part of the task of teaching them. It’s just as important as anything else in the process.

How Does Learning Work, and What Can You Do?

First of all, you don’t have to be a teacher to teach (or a student to learn, for that matter). Sure, teachers get formal training about what to do with kids; and what to teach them. They also get some theories about why kids learn or don’t learn; and a little about what to do when they don’t. But they get very little training in how people actually learn—much less than you might think. In fact, most of them, candidly, will tell you this. Many only get a little bit of some mostly sorely outdated psychological theory about development; and a few theories that combine educational and psychological ideas about what to do in certain situations. But if you ask them how people learn—take in information, work it into their own understanding, compare and blend it with what they already know and who they are, how they store it in their minds and later retrieve it, and how this leads them to new learning—they will generally be at a loss to give you good answers. They just don’t know because they haven’t been taught. This isn’t universal, of course, but still seems to be the norm.

Just as sad, they’ve been