Woody's World Turns Left....Into Australia

By John Wood

Woody is funny, witty and writes in a unique style which educates and informs, guaranteed to make you laugh. A former dancer from Kent, now living in Surrey, Woody always sees the bright side of life and tells it like it is. Currently expanding his writing to include humorous Romance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Dec 18, 2009
• ISBN: 9781467888387

John Wood

Born in Warwickshire, John Wood graduated with a BA in English Literature and English Language from De Montfort University. During his studies, he learned about literature, styles of language, linguistic relativism, and psycholinguistics. John is the author of children's nonfiction including the series A Maker's Guide to Simple Machines.

Book preview

Woody’s World

TURNS LEFT….

INTO AUSTRALIA

by

John Wood

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AuthorHouse™ UK Ltd.

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Central Milton Keynes, MK9 2BE

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Phone: [phone]

© 2012 John Wood. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 7/31/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4490-6241-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4678-8838-7 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Dedication

I dedicate this book to everyone who has read the first and has encouraged and supported me in completing this book.

I thank you all.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Back to the Western World

Make it up, who the hell would know anyway?

A little reminder of work

A little gem of the western coast

Looking for work, sort of.

When I go a wandering.

Relaxing and avoiding the work issue

Mmm Work, if you can call it that.

The day out that did not happen

The Driver does nothing else other than Drive

Soap and water needed for some

Alice, Alice What the F*** is in Alice

Wheels on the bus go round and round…

In the middle of no where

Boulia

Back to Civilization

Getting to grips with nature

Walkabout in the City/town

Relaxing by the pool as the sea is a little too dangerous

Off to learn how to fly

I believe I can Fly, I believe I can touch the sky

Where is the warm Ozzie sun they talk about?

What’s magnetic about nothing sticks?

Magnetic Island:

Never dresses for the weather

I am sailing, I am sailing across the water…

Seen to be believed

Airlie Beach

Killing time

Blinded by the word Free.

Damp pants is the way forward

I am an idiot get me out of here

More driving in the sand

Supposed to be fun not Rally.

Getting told off down the phone

Must be more careful with the washing

A Free Day… ish.

Can run when I have to

Taking it easy, well easier.

A few of my thoughts, sensible ones.

Not what you know but who you know

From Posh to the pits.

Must keep crazy ideas under control

Catching up with Family

Rest and relaxation

Little did I know I was saying goodbye to a special person

I have never got work so quick.

Love going to work

Not the right time to laugh

It is all about timing

Last day of work, I may need a holiday.

Back on tourist things.

Melbourne

Missed the apostles

Another country ticked off the list

Woody’s world rating of Australia.

Acknowledgments

I offer acknowledgements and thanks to:

All the S.E.Asia readers for their encouraging comments and constant nagging in their desire for this next read.

Everyone who has taken part in this drama, the universal characters I have named as Bruce and Shiela, without you none of this would be possible.

My family for their continuous support.

Especially my mum who has driven me with relentless support and encouragement to see this next book through.

WoodyFINALMAPbw.jpg

Preface

Having completed S.E. Asia Woody continues to take on the world. He brings his same unique, witty humour and style to a new country. Woody meets new people and in his usual way describes the craziness of Australian life. The adventures continue - from leaping out of a plane to playing with dangerous animals, laugh as you travel with Woody.

To see pictures of Woody in Australia log on to

www.woodysworld.biz

Back to the Western World

DARWIN

LOCATION: AUSTRALIADATE: 30TH APRIL

Arrived in Darwin, Australia at silly o’clock. Got through customs and they were very thorough, I must say. You would have thought the UK being an island would have taken the same sort of stance and procedure. If your name is not down, you are not coming in sort of thing, which is a far cry from the circus we currently have.

Not knowing where I was going to stay, I headed out into the deserted arrivals lounge, looked through the helpful display of leaflets on hostels and various places, which were well out of my budget anyway. After about 30 minutes of searching and deliberating with tired eyes, I managed to find a place called ‘Frogs Hollow’. The thing that swung it for me was the ‘Open 24hrs’. Wandered out of the airport, dawn was breaking and I was surprised by how hot it was. Located the bus stop, I paid Bruce my $10, climbed on board and what a great service; Bruce dropped me at the door. In the pitch black I wandered into the hostel, hoping to find a receptionist, given that they advertised that they were open 24 hours, so I could get a room and catch up on some sleep.

Ah, obviously the leaflet was not detailed enough, or I misread the part where it says your receptionist is a piece of A4 paper, it read ‘Reception open 6:00am till 9:00pm.’ Where was the 24 hrs in that? Artistic license, I think they call it.

Dumping my bags on the floor, I managed to grab a bit of shut eye, if only for a couple of hours. Six o’clock the receptionist Bruce arrived and opened up so I purchased a room for a couple of nights. Having spent the last four months sleeping in my own room, I now had to share floor space. I had flashbacks to my borstal, I mean boarding school days. But this was somewhat different as the rooms were mixed, so good luck, bad luck. Bad luck I had to share, good luck I got to sleep with the ladies. Hard life, but someone has to do it. Wandering up to my room, my first effort was to make enough noise to sound as if I was pulling the door off its hinges (no one saw, so no evidence), found a bed and slept.

Woke up about midday and was sweating like a madman. I hauled my arse out of bed and wandered off to see the city. I use the term city lightly; it was not so much a city, more a large town. Christ, I walked it in an afternoon. This is a prime example of the Ozzies jazzing stuff up, a concept which I rather suspect will be a common factor in this leg of the journey.

Needing to sort out my working visa and get it all stamped and authorised, I found the building I was supposed to go to. It was a governmental building of some kind and my next port of call was the Quantas office to arrange dates for future flights.

Located Quantas and here’s a top tip for you: if you have an open ticket or multiple flights booked and you know when you are planning to take your flights, then book them in one hit to avoid paying a re-booking charge. It may save you a few dollars in the long run. Sorted out my flight to Perth and jigged a few others around.

Walked back out into the baking heat on the street where I saw my first family of ‘Abbos’. They are quite funny looking really; I do not mean that in a racist way. They have big facial features and if I was to say they looked the closest relation to the ape, well it is evolution. They are apparently a bit partial to the old tipple, but do not handle it too well. Not too dissimilar to me really, ‘same, same but different.’

The city of Darwin holds about 100,000 people, I suppose enough to fill a footy stadium back home. On my jolly jaunt around the town, I mean city, I found out some interesting facts, zzzzzz. Darwin had some significance during the war and was an important defence location; many believed that if Darwin was taken by the one way Japs, (Kamikaze pilots) then the rest of Australia would fall. Well that’s what I was led to believe.

Feeling somewhat peckish, I wandered to the supermarket to purchase some delights, cheese and ham rolls and a bottle of pop. With my bag of goodies, found a local park and had myself a picnic for one. Sad isn’t it? But hey, things cost a little bit more here, so I may well have to do some work. Australia is said to be cheaper than the UK; yes this is true for some things, but is not always the case and some things cost more than you would expect. This was a bit of a financial shock after leaving Asia.

With my teddy bears picnic all over and done with, I headed back to the hostel and booked a river trip to see some jumping crocs as well as tour of Litchfield National Park. I parted with my $100. I told you things were not cheap here, even though the dollar is $2.03 to the pound.

Feeling somewhat sleepy, must be the jet lag from Bali to Oz, I headed off and was tucked up in my pit by 7:30pm. I woke up about ten thinking, ‘Christ, it is hot in here.’ I could hear the air-con going round, but no air. So I conducted a highly sophisticated experiment, stuck my hand up and realised that the best place to sleep was on the top bunk (so lads, it is always cooler on top).

Woody:- Back in the Western World, I think!

Make it up, who the hell would know anyway?

DARWIN

LOCATION: AUSTRALIADATE: 1ST MAY

Waking up at Wallaby’s fart, I sorted myself out, went downstairs and waited to be picked up. Then, joining a band of merry tourists on board, you will never guess: what are the chances that our tour guide was called Bruce? You see where I am going with this can’t you? Ah, variation on a theme.

Bruce the tour guide headed off to the first port of call, which was the company headquarters, signed the usual waiver to say if anything happens it is not their fault. Stood around and chatted about our day, I got the chance to hold a two-year-old croc. If this thing was in ‘Lilliput’ it would have been huge but in the real world, it was about two foot long. It would have made a nice handbag or slippers. We all had our go at holding the handbag; I mean sweet baby croc, getting the usual photos in. Then it was time to head to the river. On arrival, we were met by Bruce the sailboat captain, jumped aboard ‘HMS B****xs’ then waited for his safety briefing. I tell you these Ozzies are really original with their names. Heading up the river, we were shown these massive crocs. Bruce would place pieces of meat on a long pole and hang it over the side and these crocs would jump up and take a chunk. Doing the Jap thing I took a few snaps - boom boom!!!

Well, Bruce our captain gave us an interesting talk about these crocs; how they had different names, trying to sound impressive, but who gives a S***? He would go on to say, ‘This one is called Daisy.’ ‘It’s a F***ing crocodile, it bites and it’s going to hurt.’ I mean what a load of crap. If the police ask which one attacked you, Erm, it was Daisy, not the big F***er with your arm hanging out of its mouth. Talk about jazz it up for the tourists.

As part of our trip we got told a couple of horror stories about tourists and crocodiles; how some girl was thrown off a bridge and eaten by Roger and Dave!

We headed back to shore, thanked Bruce of HMS B****xs then piled back into the minibus and were off to Litchfield National Park. I got to be co-pilot as I did at work, took the job seriously and nodded off. I do not know what it is with me, I only woke up when Bruce said something. We entered the National Park which was pretty big really, and was arid land, something to do with the lack of water and rainfall or something that they have or have not been having. The park took up a big chunk of the Northern State, about the size of Kent, Sussex and Surrey, if not more. Well, I am a man and six inches is six inches.

After driving around and stopping off at photographic points, Bruce took us to some termite mounds and I must say they were rather large, well over 12ft. I’d hate to see the size of the termite, scary. Driving for about another hour, we arrived at a waterfall and stopped for lunch, which was DIY sandwiches. It was all rather pleasant, we then played the ‘who wants the last prawn’ game but we did not want to be rude. Having been brought up properly, I took the last prawn! We all sat around chatting and I started talking to this couple who had got married or plan to get married. Nice couple. They had plans to work for six months or something like that, but I might have switched off at some point.

Bruce told us we were going to go to some rock pools and have a swim seeing as it was a rather sub-tropical day. What Bruce did not tell us was that we had to walk down the side of a hill about 1Km to the rock pool. Me with my Speedos on and being all paranoid that I had not done my Speedo line for a while (always embarrassing). I jumped in and had a splash around and cooled myself down. The water was cold but certainly refreshing once my nuts had adapted to the temperature and stopped hiding up my arse. Swimming over to this waterfall, I tried to go under it