My Cross to Bear

By Monica M. White

Jessica Lloyd has three goals: earn a criminal justice degree from the University of New Orleans, save money, and marry a respectable man. But her best-laid plans falter when her sister, Crystal, dies unexpectedly. Jessicas world falls apart, and she drops out of school.

Trying to escape the deep feelings of grief, Jessica moves to Indiana. But life there is not what she imagines, and she finds herself lost and confused. As if losing her younger sister isnt enough tragedy, she stumbles through life with two failed marriages and two children. With all of the trials in her life, Jessica begins to doubt her faith in God; she wonders if God has given up on answering her prayers.

As Jessicas life falls apart and she experiences an unbelievable chain of events, she will either follow the tricks of the devil in disguise or listen carefully to discover what God truly wants for her. My Cross to Bear follows one familys journey through its trials and is a story of both reconciliation and love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Feb 22, 2011
• ISBN: 9781450251716

Monica M. White

Monica M. White is assistant professor of environmental justice at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

Book preview

Contents

PROLOGUE

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Special thanks

First of all I would like to thank Jesus Christ who is the head of my life. Without the Holy Spirit guiding me, I would not be here today. I have been blessed with so many talents that I wanted to share this one with readers. My passion is writing for entertainment and creating programs and organizations to help people. I do not use my talents or my skills to receive credit or acknowledgement for them I use them because God has blessed me with them. I feel that if he gives me something I should use it like he wants me to.

I would like to thank my sisters in pen for their support. Just to name a few, Sheila, Pasty, and Net, thank you ladies for your supporting words and encouragement, guiding me on my journey to publishing, and in help of searching for an agent. I also have to thank a special young lady, she encouraged me every day and Asked Auntie when is the book coming out? can I read it, my niece, Miss Cedenia.

TO My Siblings……

This page is dedicated to my siblings. Thank you for your help on proof reading my book and some of the paperwork for GIC. You did see some grammar mistakes that I did not see. The saying is true two or three eyes are better than one. If I dare not mention my siblings by names I will hear about it later, Paula, Shelton, Deborah, Charlotte, Jennifer, and my favorite brother in law Jerome. Thank you for your encouraging words and blessing.

We all have different gifts, each of which

came because of the grace God gave us.

Words of Encouragement

It took me a while to realize that my dreams was just delayed, not denied. Sometimes God put us where he wants us to be in life. It might not be where you truly want to be at that present time, but he does this to make us the person he wants us to become. Always remember God timing is perfect.

A poem of encouragement

There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters

who never did,

who won’t anymore…

And who always will.

So, don’t worry about people from your past,

there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future

So turn the page sit back and relax and read away.

We are born into a world of sin, it is one’s choice whether we live right or live wrong. The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26

PROLOGUE

Unbeknownst, shocking, would be the way that I would describe my life. I have gone through so many trails in my life. These challenges consisted of people that I crossed paths with throughout my trails. I went from being immature, ignorance, recognizing and receiving my blessing. The devil was busy. Nothing was supposed to happen the way it did. Only if people would have listened or just helped me, I would not have taken things to the extreme. In all honesty, I took some things beyond the extreme. Violence. Hath. Now I sit here with visible images of how things happened wondering if I had to do it all again would I do it the same? Hum, accords I wouldn’t because the Lord has changed me. I am a better person now. The devil thought he won me over but the Lord spoke to my heart and he said I give you free will my child. You make the decision of being good or evil.

Chapter 1

The beginning… My past

I come from a predominant family. We lived in New Orleans in a sub division were everybody knew everybody. I was raised in the church. Every Sunday we were at church listening to the Word. My father is a police officer his name is John Lloyd the III. Outstanding officer, he has made more arrest than Johnnie Cochran won cases. My mother, Carol, own several coffee shops. The shops bring in about $3,000 or more a week. Mom does well with the coffee shops. I have three sisters: Leslie, Olivia, and Crystal. Leslie is the oldest of us all. She is 5’7. She has caramel complexion skin and she has six children. Leslie has been a busy woman. Leslie doesn’t have much going on in her life other than taken care of her family. I guess that can be a job within itself. Olivia she is the second oldest. I always said that I wanted to be like Olivia. Olivia is about my height 5’5, she and I weight about the same 120. Olivia is a doctor. She is single, with no children. I don’t think she can have any. Crystal is my baby sister. She is 5’2, hair flowing down her back. Crystal was beautiful. She and I are three years apart. I am 40, Crystal is 37. At least she would have been 37 if she was still alive. Crystal died when she was 19. She was sick, and nobody knew it. Not even Crystal. She had a kidney problem. She needed a kidney transplant. One day she got sick and my mother Carol rushed Crystal to the hospital. Crystal kept grapping her side the doctor ran every kind of test he could think of. It turned out that Crystal right kidney was failing. Out of all the family members that were tested none of us was a match. Crystal was transported to the hospital in New Orleans, Tulane. She stayed there two days before she died. There was talk among the doctors that a kidney was coming in and it was a match but Crystal wasn’t the person that it was going to. There was a young white girl who had the same problem as Crystal and she was supposed to receive the kidney. Money and color sometimes still conquer all things. Unfortunate, neither Crystal nor the white girl received the kidney. They died within hours of each other. The white girl died first than Crystal. The doctors tried to implant the kidney into Crystal’s body, but her body rejected it. Crystal knew that her time on earth was about to end. She asked my mother could she talk to each of her sibling one by one. I was the last to go in and talk with Crystal. Out of everything Crystal could have said to me she said. You know that diamond necklace you had when you were 18, the one mom and dad gave you when you graduated. I said yes. Crystal went on to say it was me who broke it. Suddenly the tears that had formed in my eyes slowly dried up. My parents fussed for years about that necklace that I only wore graduation night, because it cost over a thousand dollars to buy and Crystal broke it. Crystal continued to say do you remember when you went on that date with Champ. Yes I replied, and the police showed up at Morris Point. Morris Point was a hot spot were teens go to make out. Yes, I replied again. I told mom and dad that you were there. Crystal said. All these years I thought it was Champ’s sister who told on us. It was my own sister. I have always been jealous of you. I didn’t like the idea that you were spoiled too. I was the baby I should have gotten all of the attention. Crystal said. Suddenly Crystal dying didn’t bother me anymore, I wanted to take that white hospital pillow and put it over her head to help the process go quicker. But I didn’t. I just looked at Crystal as she laid their smiling and confessing her cruel acts of our sisterhood together. Is that all Crystal, I said. There were other mean things that happen to me now that I think about it Crystal was probably behind it. Crystal coughed; I wonder was it a real cough or a fake one to get out of more confessions. Would you hand me that cup of ice. Crystal asked. Sure I replied. I really wanted to dash the ice in her face. That is all I have to say. Crystal said. You little brat, how about sorry Jessica for all that I have done to you. Please forgive me Jessica. That’s what I was thinking she would say. I headed for the door quicker than I walked into the room. I am going to buy some cookies with peanuts in them for my baby sister. Crystal is allergic to peanuts I will fix her today on her last day. I reached for the door knob. Crystal utters some words that I couldn’t make out. I turned around and looked at my baby sister and it seemed like it was a white glow surrounding her and she said, I am sorry Jessica for all the mean things that I did to you. I love you very much. My mouth dropped open my heart was beating fast. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. Crystal apologized and this white glow around her. She had to be touched by an angel, that little devil. Beeeeeppp was the next sound that I heard. The nurses and doctor ran into the room pushing me aside. I looked up toward the ceiling, I seen Crystal but in a ghostly form. She was beautiful, wearing her favorite white dress, her hair hanging down, holding her son hand. Jermaine, I said. He smiled and waved at me. I could not believe what I was seeing. Jermaine died over a year ago. He was Crystal’s son. He was hit by a car while playing outside at his dad’s house. He was only three. Crystal and Jermaine both turned and walked into a bright light. They were gone.

The next sound I heard was a doctor voice saying she is gone. Nurses asked what time are you going to call it for? The doctor said 5:13 p.m. I will tell the family the doctor continues to say. I stood there with my mouth still open. What did I just experience? What just happen? My sister Olivia grabbed me and walked me out of the room. I was speechless. Olivia kept asking was I alright? I couldn’t speak. It took several minute before I could speak again. Crystal is gone. Olivia held my hand and said I know Jessica. I kept repeating, I seen Crystal walking into a white light holding Jermaine hand. Olivia is a Godly woman she knew what I had experience. God send Jermaine to help bring Crystal home. It’s alright Jessica. Olivia replied. Tears that had dried up once again were falling down my face. I cried for hours. Olivia was responsible for planning the funeral that was Crystal request when they spoke on her last day. It wasn’t much to do because my parents always taught us to stay ready so we do not have to get ready for anything; therefore Crystal casket was already paid for. She already had a list of things the way that she wanted it. It was just a matter of setting a date with the church that wasn’t a problem. The funeral was two days later. Crystal was dressed beautifully in her pink and white dress with curls in her hair. It was a nice service. After the funeral Olivia, Leslie, and I stood at the gravesite and did our sister speak hour. Sister speak was something that my sisters and I shared, once we all reached the age of 18. We only let one other person into the bond that we shared and that was my best friend Victoria. We would talk about anything from sex, money, men to relationship problems. We got together once a month to have our hour of sisters speak. No matter where we lived we all met at a certain place to talk. Today was our sister speaking day, the day that we buried our baby sister. Afterward we all went home. I stayed at my parent’s house that day. I sat in Crystal old room and reminisced about old times.

Over the time my mother opens another coffee shop down town to avoid being home so much. My father requested more working hours to avoid being home. Crystal spirit was strongly in my parents’ house. When I went there things that belong to Crystal was out of place. I would ask my parents if they had touched them and they both said no. Crystal was behind it, because that was something that

she would do to bother me. I had to get away because I could not handle the way everybody was grieving in my family. It seemed like a family who bond was too strong to break had slowly broken from a death that should have bought us closer together but it didn’t. I moved to Indianapolis where Victoria my best friend had resided after college and there my life began to change dramatically.

Immatureness…

Immature was how I felt as I did the things that I had done. I was young. I was grieving looking for a way out to release my anger. I was angry because my sister had died. Even though we had our problems we were sisters we were suppose to argue all the time and then later laugh about it as we got older. I felt embarrassed, horrible for the acts that I did in my life. What happen to my life? As I grow older I now realize that God has forgiven me. Not making the right decision made me an immature adult; with that lack of maturity I faced many challenges. It seemed like I kept going back into the same type of relationships over and over you would have thought I learned my lesson, but I didn’t. It was like I was in a whirl wind going round and round. As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. Proverbs 26:11.

Chapter 2

My goals in life were to get my degree in Criminal Justice, save up money than find me a man to marry. I was ambition I had dreams but my main goal was to find somebody who will act right and be with me. I always got sidetrack from what I was doing in life. I wanted to be a successful lawyer. I attended The University of New Orleans on a full scholarship. When Crystal died, I was in my last year of college. I only had six months to finish with a degree in Criminal Justice. I couldn’t go back after Crystal shocking