From the Boardroom to the Bathroom: Ramblings on Life by a Typical 24-Year-Old Male

By Jason Brenner

From the Boardroom to the Bathroom is the definitive humor book about the 20-something-year-old male. Written by Jason Brenner, whose work has been published in several metropolitan daily newspapers, From the Boardroom to the Bathroom discusses the crucial parts of a young males life: sex, beer, and gambling; yet it doesnt neglect the completely secondary and unimportant parts: relationships, working, and family.

From discussing the lump he found on his left testicle to recounting the awkwardness he felt at his high school reunion to describing the proper way to use a corporate mens room, Brenner pulls no punches as he explains what goes through the mind of a typical 24 year-old male.

No topic is left untouched: his relationship with his girlfriend, his feelings about visiting his parents, even his thoughts about his toilet. (As you can tell, this Brenner guy is strictly a class act).

From the Boardroom to the Bathroom is a must-read for anyone who wants to learn how to communicate with a 20-something-year-old maleor for anyone who wants to read the pathetically honest accounts of Brenners humiliating life.

"...ingenious...A head-scratching sign of the times" - Doug Roberts, Philadelphia Weekly

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Mar 27, 2000
• ISBN: 9781469774190

Book preview

All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2000 by Jason Brenner

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Writer’s Showcase,

an imprint of iUniverse.com, Inc.

For information address:

iUniverse.com, Inc.

620 North 48th Street

Suite 201

Lincoln, NE 68504-3467

www.iuniverse.com

ISBN: 0-595-08889-9

ISBN: 978-1-4697-7419-0 (eBook)

To me…the one person without whom I

could not have written this brilliant and thought-provoking magnum opus (whatever the hell a magnum opus is).

Contents

Preface

Introduction

Reflections on My Job

Advice for Recent Graduates

Job Interviews

Corporate Men’s Room Etiquette

Muzak

Corporate Softball

A Colleague’s Farewell Party

Romance and the Opposite Sex

Deciding Whether to Get Married

Why Women Love Me

Which Movie to See: the Real Battle of the Sexes

Helping My Girlfriend Move Into Her Manhattan Apartment

My Health

My Left Testicle

The Barium Enema

My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

My Frolickings with Beautiful Women

The Playboy Playmate of the Year Party–Part I (Sad Ending)

The Playboy Playmate of the Year Party–Part II (Happy Ending)

Vacations

Camping

Las Vegas

Proper Vacation Planning

New Year’s Eve in New York City

Horrible Birthday Stories

My 23rd Birthday

My 21st Birthday

Miscellaneous Ramblings

Reflections on College

Consequences of My Having Been Dropped on My Head as a Child

My Toilet

Why I’m a Genius

My High School Reunion

My Lack of Fashion Sense

Powerball

Visiting My Parents

Infomercials

Afterword

About the Author

Preface

This was supposed to be a book about the triumph of the human spirit over tremendous odds. This book was to be a masterpiece in spirituality, an inspirational work that explained why the human mind is much more powerful than any obstacle in its path. Chapter after chapter was to be devoted to enlightening stories of everyday people overcoming extraordinary problems.

So what the hell happened? I’ll tell you: my computer is a piece of crap. Every time I wrote a heart-wrenching story of a little girl who overcame a seemingly incurable disease, my computer shut down and erased the chapter. Every time I wrote about a three-legged dog that ignored the taunts of his fellow pooches and won the big race at the local greyhound track, my computer froze and deleted my work.

So, gentle reader, I am here to tell you that all of these touching and tear-jerking stories are floating in Microsoft hell somewhere. Meanwhile, this book will concentrate on the more common but less inspirational stories of an everyday 24-year-old facing everyday problems…such as going to his high school reunion or breaking his nose while playing co-ed one-hand-touch football. (Don’t try to tell me this has never happened to you.)

The original version of this book erased by my menacing computer (damn you, Bill Gates, sitting in your Seattle mansion, spending the money I poured into this lemon of a computer on an air-conditioning system for your 22-car garage) also provided simple, easy-to-implement solutions for eradicating some of the world’s most crippling problems. But alas, as my computer saves documents as well as my toaster does and I cannot remember these panaceas to societal ills, the world will continue to be a crappy place.

When you read the story about my toilet, please understand that that chapter originally contained a simple three-step solution to ending world hunger. The two-chapter saga of my experiences at the Playboy Playmate of the Year Party was supposed to be a two-part discussion as to how cancer could be cured practically at the snap of a finger. (Why talk about curing cancer when I can devote the same amount of space to making all of my friends extremely jealous as I detail how I hobnobbed with some of the most beautifully surgically-altered women in the world?)

The closest this book will get to public service is to discuss the educational value of a trip to Las Vegas…or to tell the naïve recent graduate how to keep from getting fired from his first job…or to expound upon the reasons not to get married until later in life. So maybe the deleted version of this book detailed a five-minute cure for the common cold, but I feel a chapter devoted to my left testicle is just as important…and a hell of a lot more titillating.

I’ve split the book into short sections, each one representing an important aspect of a typical 24-year-old male’s life. Those chapters I felt were too important to leave out but that don’t fall into a specific section (the chapters about health clubs and infomercials, for example; how could I leave out those important public service pieces?) appear under Miscellaneous Ramblings.

OK, I’ll concede that the current version of this book won’t inspire as many people or cure as many world problems as the deleted version. (Don’t blame me…send an e-mail to Bill Gates—that is, if your computer works—and tell him he’s responsible for the demise of this important piece of literature.) But if you’re a 20-something-year-old trying to cope with the real world for the first time, or maybe an old (i.e., over 30) person trying to understand what goes through the heads of members of my generation, you’ll find this book a bastion of enlightenment.

After all, who needs to know how to end world hunger when you can learn the proper way to use a corporate restroom?

Introduction

I’m off to the supermarket. It’s time to stock up on prune juice, denture cleaner, and fiber cereal. You see, I’ve finally reached the point where my better days are behind me. Alas, I’ve been dreading this day for over two decades and now that it’s here, it’s even more horrible than I ever imagined. Yes, my friends, I’ve finally turned 24 years of age.

The dreaded age of 24 brings with it a myriad of complicated and often painful symptoms. No, I’m not referring to prostate or heart problems…I’m talking about reminiscing. It’s a heinous occurrence that happens to all old people. (Now that I’ve turned 24, I can comfortably place myself in this category.)

I hear this mindless reminiscing from my father all the time: I remember when I was your age; my father never gave me one penny for rent or car insurance. I had to earn my money…by stealing it from the shoebox where he stored his cash. I hear it from my grandfather as well: When I was a boy, we couldn’t just go to the store and buy whiskey. It was illegal. We had to make it in our bathtubs and…should I be telling you this story?

Ever since I turned 21 (ah…it seems like just yesterday), I knew my days of meaningful birthdays would be behind me. Of course, that milestone birthday brought with it the freedom to imbibe alcoholic beverages. (To any officers of the law reading this, I would like to declare vehemently that I never had one taste of beer or other spirits before that day. To everyone else reading this chapter, I would like to say that while I write this, I’m winking my left eye in quite a mischievous manner.)

I remember anxiously awaiting my 16th birthday and the privilege it entailed: legally operating a motor vehicle. I recall the excitement I felt when I turned 17 and could enter R-rated movies with impunity for the first time in my life. Indeed, I also remember with the utmost clarity the day I turned 18 and could exercise that privilege which the great Constitution of the United States of America has given every adult citizen of this fine country: the right to vote. (Let’s be honest, this one isn’t nearly as exciting as being able to see R-rated movies without parental supervision.)

The point is, now that I’ve turned 24, I have no milestone birthdays to look forward to. No positive ones, anyway. Am I now supposed to start gearing up for my 40th birthday? What great benefits does that entail…going to the doctor to get my prostate checked out? I don’t know about you, but looking forward to imbibing legally sounded a lot more welcoming than thinking about some doctor invading my personal space to check for