The Woman Next Door

By Eve Strongheart

This is the story of how I became trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage, and how I eventually found the courage and strength to escape. I am an educated, intelligent, independent woman. I never thought it could happen to me. Through the years of abuse I gradually lost myself, as my boundaries collapse, one by one. I came close to complete self-destruction, and almost gave in to despair. I know why women commit suicide, or homicide. They just want the pain to stop.
With the help of one woman friend who understood, I survived, and slowly climbed out of the trap into which I had fallen. Let my story show you that you are not alone; there are many of us out there. I hope my tale will inspire you to find your own path out of darkness. It can be done.

-Eve Strongheart

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eve Strongheart
• Release date: Feb 9, 2018
• ISBN: 9781773706153

Book preview

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Table of Contents

Disclaimer

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Epilogue

To Sherry,

Thank you.

Disclaimer

This is a true story. The author has changed all names and identifying characteristics of people, businesses, places and events to protect people’s privacy. Any similarity to actual people, places, businesses and events is purely coincidental as such details are the product of the author’s imagination.

Introduction

I tried to write this story once before, without delving into the more intimate and personal aspects of my tale. I had planned to publish this narrative anonymously, but still I found myself avoiding a complete and full disclosure regarding some of its aspects. They were so personal, so private, and they were, in so many ways, so humiliating. Yet I discovered that, without those parts of my story, the rest of it doesn’t really add up. I have found that it is impossible to share my tale accurately without sharing all of it.

For this reason, I am writing this story again, unedited, with all the details I find embarrassing included. I have a dual purpose in trying to share this tale. My main purpose is an attempt to help someone else avoid the prolonged pain and near self-destruction which I experienced. My second purpose is a personal search for closure, for understanding, and, ultimately, for peace.

I have considered many titles for this book. One title could be: How did a nice woman like me wind up in a mess like that? Another title could be, perhaps: Don’t fall into the same trap I did. The most succinct title would probably be: I thought I was smarter.

What I know today is that an intelligent, educated, independent, and resourceful woman can wind up hopelessly entangled in a relationship so confusing that she falls into despair. I know that it is possible to become so lost that one cannot see the way out, or even imagine that there is one. I know it is possible for an unhealthy relationship to drive a woman to the edge of self-destruction, to a place where she can lose all sense of self, and allow all of her boundaries to collapse, one by one. I know that, step by step, a woman can get to a place where she hardly recognizes herself. I know all this because it happened to me. Finding my way back took patience, courage, determination, self-forgiveness, and the support of another woman who understood.

If you think you may be heading down a similar road, please stop for a moment and read my tale. Perhaps I can be that person for you; the one who understands. Because it doesn’t get any easier to leave the longer you stay.

Chapter One

What set me up

Once, when I was a teenager, I got lost in a forest. I had gone backpacking with a friend, and, being young and of an adventurous spirit, we left the established trail to strike off on our own, trying to make it to a beautiful mountain lake which glimmered in the distance. Hiking through the brush became harder and harder the further we went, and, by the time we realized we could not reach our destination, we were hopelessly lost. Hours of trudging through the woods got us no closer, until finally I looked down and saw my own boot print in the mud, headed in the opposite direction from which I was traveling. I had hiked in a large circle and then doubled back on myself without even knowing it.

This misguided backpacking trip turned out to be a perfect metaphor for my emotionally abusive marriage. By the time I realized I was in trouble, I had lost all sense of direction, all sense of which was the right path to take, and all confidence in my own judgement. Attempts to solve my problem with counseling and other means just made the situation worse and only left me more confused and exhausted. I have learned that once you realize you are lost, it is important to slow down and conserve your energy. Getting out is more likely to require a prolonged and carefully planned marathon rather than a quick sprint. This is the story of how I got lost in the wilderness of an abusive marriage and how I slowly found my way back out again.

I could be the woman who lives next door. My situation does not look that dramatic from the outside. You will not see me covered in bruises, or wearing casts to help heal broken bones. My husband hits me with words. He hits me secretly, in the most private places. It is important to him that other people think he is a nice guy. Only I know the truth. For those who have survived physical assault it may not look that bad, and I can understand that for women who have lived through those horrors, anything less seems insignificant. But there are many of us out there who are secretly broken. I can guarantee you that it does not take physical assault to leave a woman lost in the depths of despair. I know that sometimes I thought it would have been easier if he hit me with his fists instead of his words; at least then I would have understood why I was in so much pain. I believe my body is tougher than my heart and spirit turned out to be. I believe that every woman’s hurts are personal to her, and I know that often an abuser knows just where the soft spot is on his victim. We all have our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities. With our loved ones, these tender spots are supposed to be safe, protected, understood. An abuser sees these areas as an easy target, a place to inflict pain in order to gain control. One woman may be sensitive about her body, so he says: You are a fat, ugly cow. These are the words he knows will hurt her the most. Another woman may be sensitive about her sexuality, so he will call her frigid or a whore. The names grow viler the longer she stays.

People sometimes do not understand why a woman might stay with a man who is abusive. They say: If it is so bad, why doesn’t she just leave? But it is hard to walk away when one’s emotional legs have been broken. The first blows in domestic violence are directed at a woman’s confidence, sense of self, and independence. By their very nature, emotional and verbal abuse are designed to disable and disarm the victim on the first strike, so that she cannot fight back.

I believe bullies and abusers are essentially cowards. It is never a fair fight. By the time the real abuse starts, women have often been separated from their support systems; they have been isolated. Abusers will do this early on in the relationship, when things are still good. It is done in the name of love. A man might say: Why don’t you quit your job? They don’t appreciate you like I do. Move in with me so that we can have more time together, I love you so much. These words, which sound so loving, can be the first bars of a carefully constructed cage designed to keep a woman hostage.

As for me, my story begins after years of experience as a counselor, first working in the field of alcohol and drug counseling, and then, in later years, working in the field of mental health. I am well qualified for these jobs, having a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology and a Master of Science degree in Counseling. You would think I would know better. You would think I would have the wisdom and the self-respect to not fall into the trap which later ensnared me. Looking back on the whole story now, I realize that several factors contributed to what happened to me.

I believe many women fall into the hands of an abuser through a variety of circumstances which make them vulnerable. These could include a very sheltered upbringing or an abusive one. A woman might have a sick child or health problems of her own. Economic