I, Girl X - a novel in verse

By Annalise Grey

Carleigh is a 14 year-old girl trying to carve her own place in this world. Her younger brother's mental illness is slowly invading every aspect of her life. 

Her family is troubled. Friendships are unbearable. And just when calm begins to seem possible, one night will change Carleigh, and her family, forever.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Annalise Grey
• Release date: Nov 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9781386493624

Book preview

"In the beginning

there was nothing.

---

When it’s over,

nothing will be all we have left."

SPRING

Our lives were a snapshot of perfect

---

For years

we were happy

---

My brother Carson and I

smiled

laughed

got good grades and

lived a life worthy of a crisp photo album

---

Things changed

as they do

in tiny blips on a radar of calm seas

which grew into storms then

hurricanes

---

A meltdown in a grocery store

became volcanic eruptions of fists and screams

Dad restraining Carson in his mile-long arms

---

Carson plays too many video games, Mom would laugh uneasily

as if the problem could be cured by turning off the PlayStation

---

I used to laugh alongside her

until I realized third-graders don't normally

use the word

sabotage in a sentence

nor do they stare out windows

at invisible people

hiding in hedges

Glimpses

---

Did you check the baton, Carleigh?

Carson asks, his eyes wide

---

The yard is lit with golden light and

the light breeze tugs at my hair as I

twirl my favorite performance baton

between my fingers

---

This is serious, he shouts, making me

drop

my baton

---

I reach for it but he’s faster

---

The baton is a thin twig in his thick fingers

---

At times it’s easy to pretend

he’s joking

as he feels the weight of my green baton, spinning it

this way and that

inspecting the rubber ends for signs of

being messed with

---

It’s just my regular baton – nothing’s wrong with it,

I say as I snatch it out of his grasp

---

Be careful, Carleigh, he warns

Keep it in a safe place where no one can get it.

---

Why would anyone take my baton? I ask as

I flip it up in the air and

catch it behind my back

---

It could be used to hurt you.

Carson’s mouth is downturned and sour-looking

as if he’s accepted a worse fate

I have yet to conceive of

---

I turn to walk away but he

grabs my arm

hard

fingers digging into my flesh

---

Let go, Carson! I say, astonishment overtaking me

before the pain can register

---

At ten

he towers over me

though I am rather small

for my fourteen years

---

He's what dad calls hefty

as he pokes Carson in the ribs

now buried under a thick layer

of mac and cheese, pizza, and

golden flakes cereal

---

The only foods he'll eat

because they haven't been

touched

by the monsters living

within the pantry cabinet

---

I am the opposite in every way

---

Pale and wiry – more Dad than anything

dull brown hair tangled in thin strands of too many

forgotten days

not unlike Mom - at least, these days

---

Be careful, he growls, his voice harsh and full of terror

---

Then the pain does register and it’s

burning my muscles

---

Carson’s grip is like steel, cold and deadly

---

Hey! You’re hurting me! Carson, let go!

---

I sense Dad watching us from the back porch

---

In a flash he’s up from his seat, at a full stride over to where Carson and I stand

locked in a battle

my bony arm bruising beneath his vice grip

---

Tears spring into my eyes

---

Carson, I beg

Ow! You’re really hurting me! Please!

---

I can’t turn out of his grasp though I try

---

His nails dig in deeper until I feel a prick and

the hot sensation of

blood

trickling down my arm

---

Carson, Dad says calmly but firmly

Let go of her.

---

Carson just stares at me as if he’s trying to

pry into my mind with an invisible crow bar

---

Carson! Dad yells and reaches for Carson’s hand

---

His fine hands pry at my brother’s fingers, little fragile things against stone

---

I manage to break free and

swipe at the streaks of blood

---

Carson explodes,

goes

volcanic

in my dad’s arms

---

Dad wrestles Carson to the ground and

pins him

beneath his reedy frame

until Carson is exhausted

from fighting and

screaming himself hoarse

---

The blood on my arm dries in three distinct

half-moon shaped punctures

---

I don’t even cry this time

The future waits for no one

---

This Friday, you will tour the high school wing, Mrs. Burns informs us as

she hands out course selection sheets

---

Chatter erupts around her

---

High school is an important step, she calls over the chaotic

chorus of voices

---

You all are moving up in the world.

She smiles at us

kindly but knowing secrets

have yet to reveal themselves

---