McEdifice Returns

By Camestros Felapton

Veteran space marine Chiseled McEdifice wanted a peaceful life after decades of fighting evil but a cowardly attack sets him off on a bicycle ride of revenge and into an adventure across space and time.

From the pen of Timothy the Talking Cat and his surprisingly loud imaginary friend Straw Puppy, comes a space adventure like no other (except ones a bit like it). Featuring a chapter full of the word ‘I’, a dancing photocopier and guest appearances galore.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Camestros Felapton
• Release date: Dec 5, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370960057

Camestros Felapton

Camestros Felapton is an extended cosplay of a pair of syllogisms and their adventures in cyberspace. He is also the manager and amanuensis for Timothy the Talking Cat.

Book preview

Foreword by Timothy the Talking Cat

Greetings adventure lovers! You’ve chosen the right moment to get on board with the most exciting adventure that money or other forms of fungible exchange can buy! Oh it is crammed pack full of adventure and manliness and manly adventure. There are some scary bits but not too scary because I don’t want to get nightmares. I had a nightmare that I was living in France and I couldn’t say ‘boulangerie’ without all the French cats laughing at me, so I had to run and hide in the sewers and it was full of green rats who knew what my nickname was from primary school. That was a really bad nightmare and maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that cheesecake just before going to bed but Camestros said that ‘cats are lactose intolerant’ and I said ‘how dare you call me intolerant just because I am on the right hand side of the political spectrum doesn’t mean you can around slandering me with your libels!’. So I ate the cheesecake out of spite and he said ‘Well don’t go waking me up in the middle of the night because you have a stomach ache’. And I didn’t do that - I woke up him in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare. So that’s twice he was wrong.

Note from Camestros Felapton: due to file formats and file size, the full set of covers are not included as individual images but can be seen altogether in the special cover chapter. A special PDF book called ‘McEdifice the Covers" will be available at https://camestrosfelapton.wordpress.com/ soon.

Chapter 1

Standing proudly before his lonesome homestead on the far prairie plains of the Grassland Planet of Steppe, Chiseled McEdifice was chopping wood. He was standing when he was chopping the wood obviously – I don’t think those two things contradict each other and I wish the beta reviewer would JUST GET OUT OF MY FACE and learn their place. Me: the author, in charge, creative genius. Them: the lowly moron who should be grateful that they get this kind of opportunity to learn from the best quite frankly. Can you chop wood sitting down? No, so what are you going on about? He is STANDING and chopping the wood and those two images do not clash.

Here, in this dusty retreat, McEdifice was seeking the peace his life had never given him.

I’m just looking for peace, he said wistfully as he stared out over the grassy plains before him.

BANG!

Just then a gunshot rang out and a bullet ricocheted off his space marine helmet (he was wearing his space marine helmet obviously – look at the cover image). The HUD display flickered on in his helmet (no that isn’t ‘redundant’ I can’t just say ‘his HUD flickered on’ as that sounds perverted to me). Targeting identified a heat source 501.67 metres away to the north east.

Enhance, McEdifice vocalised and in some sort of cool special effect way the helmet magnified that area of his vision (with maybe a hi-tech noise like boop-ooohwushboop). It was one of the Treerat gang!

The Treerat Gang: a bunch of outlaws and pagan worshippers of the ancient demonic squirrel god. They had a lasting hate for McEdifice ever since he drove them and their filthy ways out of town and killed their leader in a shoot-out.

With one deft movement, McEdifice hoisted his wood chopper into one hand and then with a mighty flick of his elbow he sent the axe careening through the air. THUNK! it landed straight in the miscreants head who then let out an ungodly scream: aieeeee! and then died.

"I guess that trespasser should have axed for permission before stepping on my land." quipped McEdifice sardonically.

Just then, McEdifice realised that the back paddock was unguarded! He ran as fast as he could but he was too late! Another outlaw had sneaked round and now was pointing a gun at McEdifice’s only friend: a lovely pony called Chuck.

Don’t move McEdifice or the pony gets it! said the outlaw.

Don’t you harm a hair on that pony’s head! said McEdifice.

Shoot him McEdifice! said the pony – this is in space right so it can be a talking pony I think. Probably a mutant pony or something.

Stay calm Chuck, said McEdifice.

I’m just going to mosey on out of here with this here pony, said the outlaw in that kind of accent that outlaws have in cowboy movies.

McEdifice checked his pocket and in his pocket, he found a pencil. With one deft movement he hoisted the pencil into his hand and then with one mighty flick of his elbow he launched the pencil onto a ballistic trajectory (yes I do know what that means and on this planet the gravity means it is like a straight line because that is cool) which flew straight into the outlaw’s head.

aieeeee! said the outlaw and then he died.

McEdifice ran over to Chuck.

Thank God you are OK old buddy! said McEdifice to Chuck. I guess it was obvious he was saying it to Chuck (the pony) and not the outlaw because the outlaw was not his buddy and was also very dead by now. I guess he could have said it sarcastically to the dead outlaw – that would be kind of cool if he said it in a drawl. Anyway, he didn’t do a quip at this point because I couldn’t think of one.

I’m not OK dear friend, said Chuck, in the stress of the moment I caught a terminally pony-sickness and I’m now dying. Goodbye old friend, we had good times together. and then Chuck died. Oh gosh, this is so sad.

Noooooooo!!!!!! said McEdifice and at that moment he swore revenge! He knew his quiet life of peace on the plains was over. He’d tried to escape the horrors of space-war but war was what he knew and it would always keep pulling him back!

Oh! I thought of a quip he could have said when he killed the second outlaw! I guess I was quick on the draw because he used a pencil you see. That’s what he said when he killed the outlaw – sardonically. So just imagine now I told you that earlier, OK?

Sorry about Chuck the Pony dying. Don’t be upset beta reviewer – it’s for motivation. OK, ok. Later after McEdifice goes off to get revenge, it turns out that Chuck wasn’t quite dead, he was just very, very tired from the space-mutant-pony disease and needed a long nap. He then got better but McEdifice had already left. So in the next chapter Chuck isn’t actually dead but just asleep but McEdifice thinks Chuck is dead. OK? Good.

Chapter 2 Probably

REVENGE! There was but one thought on McEdifice’s mind: REVENGE! The outlaws of the evil Treerat Gang (a bunch of outlaws and pagan worshippers of the ancient demonic squirrel god) had killed (not really but that’s what he thinks right now) the only friend he had on the Grassland Planet of Steppes. They had a lasting hate for McEdifice ever since he drove them and their filthy ways out of town and killed their leader in a shoot-out. Yes, I KNOW I used that sentence already – it is called helping the reader out. What if they had accidentally skipped over that sentence – maybe they were briefly interrupted by an insensitive fellow householder demanding to know what all that mess was on the floor? Where was I? Ah, yes! REVENGE!

With his pony Chuck now dead (not actually but that’s what he thinks), McEdifice had no recourse but to use an old bicycle that was sitting in the barn. As he stood by the barn gates, McEdifice paused for a moment to remember all the good times he and Chuck had had in the barn. He would never forget Chuck and how he had both been a good friend and a useful form of transport on the rugged but on average quite-flat world of Steppe.

McEdifice strapped on a bandolier of knives and guns and ammo and probably grenades and then hopped on the bike and set off on his way to Outlaw’s Gulch – the hiding place of the infamous Treerat Gang!

It was a charming day for a bicycle ride. The sun was out and a cool breeze rippled across the plains, causing the tops of the tall grasses to shimmer as if the ground was glad in yellow-green velvet. Excellent sentence all round I think. High fives for that one. McEdifice whistled a jaunty song as he cycled along the stony path.

Eventually, he reached a slight incline as the ground made its way towards Outlaw’s Gulch. As his speed increased McEdifice attempted to apply the brakes but to no avail! The brakes were not working somehow! Oh, my gosh. The path to Outlaw’s Gulch was becoming steeper and the bike was bumping along the rocky road in a way that was quite uncomfortable!

Oh dear! said McEdifice as he once again made a futile attempt to apply the brakes! Just then the front wheel hit a particularly large pebble! The bike crashed and McEdifice was thrown clear!

KABOOM! The bicycle exploded in a fiery explosion as a