Oh No! My Mail Order Husband Is A Viking!

By Helen Ridley

Jenny never intended for this to happen. It was just a stupid pop-up ad on a stupid website, the final annoyance in a frustrating, stupid day. Seriously, who offers 30-day trials for viking husbands? Of course Jenny didn't read the fine print, she just clicked it! Now Torhild is standing on her doorstep wrapped in animal pelts, his muscles rippling, his primitive mind set on just two things: Conquest, and making love to his new American bride!

~~~~~ Excerpt ~~~~~

He was the tallest man I'd ever seen outside a basketball game, yet his body was nothing like a professional athlete's. His neck and shoulders were massive, his biceps thicker than my thighs, and his own thighs were like glistening tree trunks. I saw all of this, and all the glistening, because he was garbed in nothing but fur pelts. His bare skin was shiny with sweat and the spatters of what I didn't recognize as blood.

I'd stepped out of my car laughing. I stopped when I realized the stag slung over the man's shoulder was alive--or had been until just recently. Its antlers bowed over his broad chest, its eye closed in death.

I dropped my purse when the man called out to me. His voice was as frosty as a glacier and as rugged as the calluses in his palms. "Greetings, Jenny Templeton," he boomed. "I am Torhild, son of Folcwald, strangler of the serpent's spawn and bane of Jörmungandr."

"Uh?" I said. I stared into the man's ice blue eyes. They were heralds of winter in the warm fall evening. His hair, too, had a wintry cast, a pale blonde that was more snow than gold. The hair was thick and flowed over his shoulders, some of it wrapped up into long, complicated braids. His face was beardless, though a reddish stubble gleamed on his cheeks and chin.

His eyebrows, thick and even whiter than his hair, rose high on his tan forehead. "You are Jenny Templeton?" he asked.

"Um, yeah," I said. I shouldered my purse and tried to remember if mace had an expiration date, and if I was even carrying my mace, and if mace could stop a hulking hunk that strangled serpents' spawn.

Torhild nodded. "Then we are well met," he said. "You are a most comely maiden."

Why was I blushing for this psychopath on my doorstep? I swiped a lock of hair behind my ear and shook my head. "Well, uh, joke's on you, buddy, because I'm not a maiden." I glanced quickly to my left and right. Where the hell did he come from? Could I outrun him? He'd apparently outrun a deer, so probably not.

Torhild let rip a mighty laugh that threatened to rock my car windows out of their sockets. "Aha!" he snorted. "Tis good, Jenny. I've little patience for blushing virgins. Green kindling yields little warmth."

"Oh, okay, so that's where this is going," I muttered. "Just stay back or I'll scream. You can't attack me in broad daylight."

He smiled at me from beneath his snowy eyebrows. "I've no intention of ravishing thee, Jenny." He hefted the deer on his shoulder. "As a token of my troth, I've hunted the swiftest stag in this land. For five days he led me through the woods of Fairfield, Litchfield, and Hartford, where I at last slew him within a stone's throw of Tolland. He died honorably and shall make a fine feast."

I stared at the man, my mouth agape.

"Or perhaps you are a vegetarian?" he asked.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Boruma Publishing, LLC
• Release date: Dec 29, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370875900

Helen Ridley

You know Helen Ridley. She's sitting across from you in the cafe sipping coffee, patiently raising her hand at your local city council meeting. She's worked in cubicles and restaurants, and today she's probably editing some listicle about vegan delicacies. But at night, that's when she lets her wild fantasies guide her pen. Helen writes romance that's steamy and sensuous, with characters that live by their passions and love without limits. She lives in southern California with her partner and their grumpy dog, Vader.

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Oh No! My Mail Order Husband Is A Viking!

© Copyright 2017, Helen Ridley, All Rights Reserved

NOTICE: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Disclaimer: This story contains explicit content, including graphic descriptions of sexual intercourse. It is intended for adults only. All characters depicted are over 18-years-old. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

Cover designed by Sloan Publishing. Cover Photos © Alexsutula © Marquardt21.

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Chapter 1: Customer Service

My hand trembled as I poured the steaming coffee into my last clean mug. On my couch, the young policeman gazed at it hopefully, his lip trembling in time with my fingers. I started to bring the mug over to him, then I realized which mug it was. Muted pink, chipped lip, a cartoon dog grinning from behind a grinning cartoon cat. The dog's white speech bubble was faded and scratched but it was still possible to read the words That's good pussy! in scratchy font.

I grimaced at the dog. The stupid thing was a holdover from my college days--specifically, my college boyfriend Bill. Bill thought this mug was hilarious. I thought it was cursed. Why else would it have followed me through six different apartments, three states, and every terrible relationship in between?

The cop eyed the dog and cat as I handed him the coffee, then offered me a lecherous smirk. He might have winked, too, though it was hard to tell. His eye was swollen shut and half his face was crusty with dried blood. It's my last cup, I informed him.

He raised his one good eyebrow. Whatever you say, baby.

Ugh, I groaned. I stalked back into the kitchen and swept my cell phone off