Welcome to Requbar: How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis, #6

By V. Moody

What if you really were transported to a fantasy world and expected to kill monsters to survive? No special abilities, no OP weapons, no status screen to boost your stats and no cheat mode. Never mind finding the dragon's treasure or defeating the Demon Lord, you only need to worry about one thing—how to stay alive.

Book Six
Colin is finally popular with women. Women everywhere want him. That's not going to turn out well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: V Moody
• Release date: Jan 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386884156

Book preview

1. One Man Party

Firm hands grabbed me by the arms and lifted me to my feet. Feminine hands with red nail varnish. The hands encircled my biceps and remained tightly clasped. I really had to start working out.

The six female warriors towered over me. I’m not the tallest of people, but I’ve always consoled myself with at least being above average height for a woman. Not today.

They were dressed in very form-fitting leather armour with shiny metal plates covering their neck and shoulders, elbows and forearms, knees and shins. Thighs were completely exposed for some reason. Seemed like an odd design choice.

Don’t stare at their legs, said Laney in a loud whisper. They might take it the wrong way. She stuck out her tongue and wiggled it at me. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean.

I wasn’t. I clearly had been, but when in doubt, deny everything.

The women all wore helmets that covered everything except for mouth and chin, so it was hard to tell how annoyed they were. They weren’t smiling, though.

What are you doing here, Laney? Are we near Fengarad?

You will address the princess as Her Highness, or I will cut your tongue out and slice off your ears, said one of the women. She bared her teeth at me in a very aggressive manner; which wasn’t really necessary after already threatening to maim and disfigure me.

It’s alright, Guardian Telma, said Laney with a sweet smile that was far more worrying than any of the grimaces. I know him. He’s a Visitor. And he’s going to help us. Her eyes twinkled. Very worrying.

The last time I’d seen Princess Laney, she’d given me a sound beating under the guise of sword training. We had made plans for more beatings, I mean, lessons, but I ducked out of Fengarad before she could teach me the many different ways to lie on the ground, crying. Hopefully, she wasn’t mad I’d stood her up. Maybe she didn’t even remember.

He’s part of a group called The Losers. He’s the head Loser.

That’s not what we’re called. No one was listening to me.

A Visitor? Him? Are you sure? The tallest of the women removed her helmet, I guess to take a better look at me. She had a square jaw with a dimple in it, which always looks odd on women. She had very blue, very unimpressed eyes. Her mousey blonde hair was pulled back and tied into a plait. I’m guessing it was a French braid, but I’m not up on my hairstyles and French is the only braid variant I’ve ever heard of. Other countries don’t seem to get a look in.

His arms feel like they’re made of chicken bones, said the woman on my right, giving me a squeeze that made me wince.

I think I could fold him up and put him in my pocket, said the one on the left.

Yes, yes, said Laney, I know he doesn’t look like much, but he’s the type who keeps his talents hidden. Deeeeep.

My life was a never-ending funfair ride. The kind where a loose screw leaves fifteen teenagers with their legs amputated at the knee. And no one knew more about having a screw loose than Princess Looney.

Laney, wh— The hands around my arms tightened, crushing my biceps. I should probably start with pushups, maybe some squats. Your Royal Highness, could you tell me where I am?

Laney smiled. Of course. We’re just outside Requbar, Jewel of the South, the Garden City.

Never heard of it. I looked around. The field we were in was surrounded by trees on all sides. There was no sign of any buildings. We’re not near Fengarad?

Fengarad has fallen, said Laney, shaking her head slowly. The monsters breached the walls and took my father prisoner. Dark times, Colin. Dark times. She lowered her head, staring at the ground. Then her head snapped back up, eyes bouncing around like ping pong balls. But we shall free my father and destroy the evil brutes who dare place their filthy claws on my precious city. Won’t we, Colin, hmm?

She peered up at me, the only girl here who needed to do that. She was waiting for an answer.

La—I mean Your Highness, I’ve only just got here, and I have no idea what’s been going on, but first I need to find the rest of my party. Have you seen them? And how did you even know I was out here?

We should take him back to Requbar and let the Inquisitor question him, said Guardian Telma. I didn’t like her. I wasn’t too fond of this Inquisitor person, either. It isn’t safe out here, Your Highness.

Yes, you’re right, said Laney. Come on, Colin, we can catch up, and you can explain why you missed our appointment. Hurry up! I do so hate to be kept waiting... She let her words linger in a way that made me think training would be resumed, and I wouldn’t be given a sword this time.

Hold on, I said, resisting the push from either side of me as the grips still locked onto my arms urged me forward. Resistance was futile. I was lifted, and my feet scraped along the ground. Can we just take a second to let me get my bearings. I was in Nekromel a moment ago, and now I’m back here, it’s—

They released my arms and backed away, forming a circle around me, hands on the hilts of their swords.

What? I said, unsure what I’d done this time.

You have been to Nekromel? said Guardian Telma. You have been to the fabled Underworld, home of demons and the living dead?

Yeah, I passed through. It’s not really how you think of an underworld, though. Not so much under as off to one side, if you know what I mean.

The looks I was getting suggested they had no idea what I meant.

If you’ve been to Nekromel, said Laney, sounding doubtful, how did you get there?

Well, we were in Monsterland with the Archfiend when—

There was the sound of scraping metal as six swords were drawn in unison.

Easy. I’m not even armed.

Are you sure he is the one you know? said Telma. He may be a shapeshifter.

The pointy ends of the swords were now aimed at me.

Hmm, said Laney with a finger tapping on her chin. I don’t know. The Colin I knew was madly in love with me. This one seems a little... indifferent. They don’t bleed, the shapeshifters. Perhaps cut a bit off?

With pleasure, Your Highness. Telma moved towards me.

I moved back. Woah. Chill a minute. You don’t have to cut anything off, you can just scratch the back of my hand or something. I held out my hand. It was shaking in a very unmanly manner.

Telma placed the tip of her sword against the back of my hand and flicked it. A line of blood appeared. I hissed and got 360 degrees of disapproval, which I thought was a bit unnecessary. Even a papercut stings.

He seems to be a man. Technically. She lowered her sword. He may still be a traitor. To come back from Monsterland alive is unheard of.

It was bad enough having to deal with macho posturing from men, it was even more absurd getting it from women.

Have you been to Monsterland? I waited for an answer, but only got shifty looks. No, so you don’t know what you’re talking about. And Nekromel isn’t full of the living dead... well, in a way it is, but not really. And there were a grand total of nine demons, ten if you count the Archfiend who we left there. I don’t know where you get your information from, but—

You left the Archfiend in Nekromel? said Laney, her playfulness gone. When did this happen?

I’m not sure. My sense of time has been pretty messed up. If you tell me what’s been happening, maybe I can give you a few answers.

There was an exchange of looks, then Telma took a deep breath. Three days ago there was a large explosion in Monsterland. A giant cloud could be seen from as far as Fengarad and Dargot. It was followed by a huge exodus of monsters. They came streaming across the border and quickly overran Fengarad. Dargot is already besieged and won’t hold out much longer.

Had it really been only three days since we’d left? It felt like much longer. I guess that’s time travel jet lag for you.

Laney stared pensively at me. If the Archfiend is no longer in Monsterland, that would explain why the monsters are all running around out of control. This is all your fault, Colin. It’s only right you help me fix it.

How is it my fault? I didn’t blow up his mountain and send us to Nekromel. That was your wonderful Uncle Peter and his spires of doom. Go take it up with him.

Uncle Peter would never...

Never what? Risk all our lives? Sounds exactly like what he’d do. You want to know what happened? Ask him.

All the more reason to retake Fengarad, said Laney. The spires still stand, you can ask him yourself if you help me. I am raising an army. Think of it, Colin, think of it. She grabbed hold of my forearm and dug her nails in. You could charge into battle beside me. Hohoho. Victory will be ours. Her eyes rolled upwards like she was having some kind of seizure. Or more likely a psychotic episode.

What are you talking about, you mad pixie? I don’t even know how to ride a horse. Anyway, your friends look better equipped for that sort of thing.

I waited for her troops to jump in with some rattling of swords and proclamations of imminent victory. There was an awkward silence.

They are the Queen of Requbar’s personal guard, said Laney, releasing my arm. They are only here to watch over me. Like babysitters. She smiled ruefully. I will have to find my own army to liberate Fengarad. I have gold. She perked up a little. And I have recruited a few already. But not enough.

The warrior women, who were so aggressive a moment ago, now looked a bit sheepish.

I don’t understand. If they’ve already taken over Fengarad and Dargot, and Requbar’s next, shouldn’t you all be preparing for war?

We will be ready when the time comes, said Telma. The women of Requbar are the most fearsome and feared fighters in all of Flatland.

I thought the alliteration was a bit much, and I also felt like there was something they weren’t saying. Politics, probably. I didn’t really care. Whatever they did, it would end up being a disaster for someone. And I think we all know who that someone would be.

Is the whole Requbar army made up of women? I asked.

It was a simple question. Not deserving of the vicious stares I received.

What’s wrong with an army of women? asked Telma, her eyes pinpoints of endless darkness. You think we lack courage? You think we lack strength?

I think you lack a sense of proportion. I asked a question, that’s all. I’ve seen the Monsterland armies, I just want to get a rough idea of what sort of fight you’re going to put up.

Why? asked one of the women to my side. So you can report back to your inhuman masters?

You want exact troop numbers and armament details, do you? said another. There was a general murmur of agreement from all sides, now. I sensed things could quickly get out of hand. Here we are, faced with an impossible enemy set to destroy us all and we feel helpless, so let’s take it out on this little shit.

The Queen’s personal guard is all female, said Laney calmly. When Princess Looney sounds like the only reasonable person out of seven, you know you’re in trouble. The rest of the army is made up of eunuchs.

I had a whole bunch of other questions on the tip of my tongue that suddenly dissolved into nothingness.

Eunuchs? My voice may have squeaked as I asked.

We find our men easier to control once they aren’t obsessed with sexual gratification, said Guardian Telma. I really did not like her. Not one bit.

Just on a practical level, an army made up of women and eunuchs was a retarded proposition. I’m not saying either shouldn’t be allowed into the military — a woman is just as adept as any man at sipping on a Starbucks latte, pressing a button and blowing up a shepherd on a mountain three thousand miles away — but the kind of fighting you had here, running after each other with sharp sticks, that really benefitted from a shot of testosterone. And guess which two groups have really low levels of the old T hormone.

Okay, then. You seem to have things well in hand. I’ll be off to look for the rest of my party. I’d take my losers over this lot any day.

You should come with us to Requbar, said Laney. The other search parties may have found your friends. It was posed as a suggestion, although the swords still pointing at me were a little more insistent.

Search parties? What were you searching for?

For you. Uncle Peter sent word that you would be arriving around here. He just wasn’t too sure exactly where. But we found you. She clapped her hands together, delighted with herself. We found you, we found you, she sang.

I did not feel the same sense of delight. If Uncle Pete knew I was back, no doubt he would come up with some way to make things miserable for me. Even more miserable.

You will come with us, said Telma.

I was about to think up another excuse for why me and my private parts didn’t fancy a trip to the City of Lost Ballas when I noticed their eyes were no longer on me. They were staring up. I followed their gaze.

High in the blue sky, a large shape flew in a wide, sweeping circle.

What is it? said one of the women.

It’s too big to be a lizardman, said another. It’s... it’s huge.

I knew what it was. I had seen many in Monsterland. It’s a dragon, I said. But it was more than that. It was my ticket out of here.

2. Dragon and Off Again

What do you mean... dragon? asked Laney.

They were all fixated on the large shape wheeling around, occasionally blotting out the sun. I was tempted to slowly back away and hope they were too engrossed in the air show to notice. Unfortunately, the women had formed a ring around me and were still pointing their swords in my general direction.

You don’t know what a dragon is? I said.

I know what a dragon from a storybook is, but they aren’t real. Laney had one hand on her hip and the other shielding her eyes. I guess you’d want to make sure you were really seeing what you thought you were seeing, but the shape in the sky wasn’t exactly ambiguous. It was a fucking dragon.

It’s real. There’s loads of them in Monsterland, or there were. I guess they’re looking for a new home now.

In her own way, she is magnificent, said Guardian Telma.

It’s a he, not a she, I said.

This news upset Telma, although I’m not sure why. I was just stating a fact. Just because it is big and strong you assume it must be male.

Er, no. I assume it’s male because the females don’t have wings, except when they’re mating, and that one isn’t shagging at the moment, so it’s a he.

Telma glared at me. Sometimes being right isn’t as important as not getting stabbed in the face with a sword, so I stopped talking. Look how mature I’d become.

Are they... dangerous? asked Laney.

Yes. Very. You remember Jenny? She got half her face burned off by one of those things.

They breathe fire? said one of the women, scoffing. You expect us to believe that?

No, they don’t breathe fire, they spit acid. And your armour won’t stop it. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Just wait for it to come down and find out for yourself.

We were in something of a standoff. We weren’t challenging each other physically (not much of a contest there), this was about who had more authority. They had the muscles and the swords, but I had my knowledge of the world outside of their little settlement. I think they resented the implication that I knew more than they did, as any big-headed control freak would.

Personally, I would have been happy to keep my lights hidden under the nearest bushel and let them take charge, but I really didn’t want to go back with them. I didn’t know what the official motto of their city was, but unofficially I had made it ‘Whatever gets cut off in Requbar, stays in Requbar.’

Eunuch, as a lifestyle choice, did not appeal to me. I don’t want you to think I’m transphobic. Live and let live. You live how you want, and I’ll live how I want — with my balls attached.

Obviously, I was jumping to conclusions. I didn’t know how their culture worked or exactly what kind of eunuchs they had. For all I knew, it may have been a euphemistic term. Perhaps eunuchs were just men who made a vow of chastity, like Catholic priests. Perfectly harmless, right?

I think it’s getting lower, said one of the women. None of them could take their eyes off the dragon, which was understandable. It was quite a sight, if you hadn’t already seen it a number of times. And flown on them. And seen Flossie treating them like oversized poodles.

It’s probably coming in for a landing, I said.

Why? said Laney, sounding a little tremulous. The closer it got, the bigger it became, which might sound like stating the blindingly obvious, but you couldn’t really understand the scale of the thing until it got close up.

For dinner, I expect. Which was more than likely. Although I left out the part about them being herbivores and more interested in the grass we were standing on than us. You should take the Princess back to Requbar.

And what will you do? asked Telma, still fifty percent sneering at me. Fight it barehanded?

I’ll take care of it however I can. I assume your main job is to keep Her Royal Highness safe. Imagine how well it’s going to go down when you have to report you let her get killed. Think they’ll give you a medal for doing your best?

Guardian Telma showed the first signs of doubt. She clearly valued her job and her honour or whatever it was violent thugs used as an excuse for killing people around here.

Will you really fight off a dragon on your own to protect me? said Laney, hearts in her eyes. The idea of someone doing something completely insane was clearly a turn on for her. You are a strange and wonderful man, Colin the Loser.

I felt like telling her she was a deranged and demented lunatic, but it would only encourage her.

Telma, at least, was keeping her machismo in check. The idea of losing a princess on her watch was enough to take her focus off me and onto Laney’s safety.

We will leave, said Telma. "We will all leave."

And lead it back to your city? Have you any idea the kind of damage a dragon can do? They won’t be calling it the Garden City after he’s finished with it, I can tell you that for certain. Mainly because the flying cow would eat all their hydrangea and devour all the chrysanthemums. I’d seen the way those things munched through a meadow. No flora was safe.

They were still hesitant to go for whatever reason, although I could sense them wavering. It probably wasn’t my convincing words that put the willies up them, more the fact they were facing the unknown and they had no idea how to proceed.

You better hurry, I said. It’s definitely coming down, and it looks hungry.

I wasn’t lying, it really did look ravenous. I think it even licked its lips. It was a particularly big one, perhaps even the one Flossie had flown.

There was no sign of any Mezzik. They didn’t normally leave one of their dragons unattended, which was a pity. The Mezzik looked up to Flossie, the Dragonrider, and would have treated me with deference for her sake (by which I mean they wouldn’t have killed me). It occurred to me that maybe Flossie had sent it to find me, but that was just wishful thinking. She and the others would have been on its back if that were the case.

The dragon stretched out its wings, slowing its huge mass. It softly landed on the other side of the field, kicking up clouds of dirt. The ground shook despite the air breaks. It really did look like a monster from a storybook and any sane person would shit their pants, if they didn’t know it fed on grass and wasn’t interested in much else.

Run! I shouted at them. Get her away from here. Tell them to batten down the hatches and man the walls. I tried to sound like the noble hero sacrificing himself for the good of others, but I didn’t have much experience in that sort of thing, so I don’t know how convincing I was. Raise the barricades, cover the roses with netting!

The dragon generously helped out by making a weird cawing roar — probably in delight at all the juicy grass he’d found — and the women legged it. They had to grab Laney and drag her off as she tried to run towards me so that we could die together and be immortalised in a ballad. Ode to a Half-baked Fruitcake.

I waited until they were almost to the trees and then I ran towards the dragon. He was happily munching through the dandelions and only gave me a cursory glance. My hope was he would recognise me as a friend of the Dragonrider’s. Flossie had been the only one to fly one of these things, but I just needed it to get me away from Castration Central. I’d rather risk a faceful of acid than my testicles in a doggy-bag.

I slowed as I got nearer and tried to make myself as non-threatening as possible, which meant just being myself. The dragon stopped eating and swivelled one eye in my direction. It was like a deer at a lake pausing at the sound of a snapped twig.

Hey, there, don’t be scared, I said, sounding like an idiot. Remember me?

There had been a whole field full of them back in Monsterland and I hadn’t introduced myself to them individually, but I was counting on them having some ability to recognise friend from foe. Maybe I smelled like Flossie. I made a note to rub myself against her next time I saw her. For science.

The dragon tilted its head, made a mooing sound, and then went back to eating. I took that as a good sign.

I looked around. There was no sign of the women, but even if they were watching from behind the treeline they wouldn’t be able to reach me before we took off, assuming I could get the dragon airborne.

The dragon’s tail was swishing about, but I awkwardly clambered onto it as it passed and crawled up onto its back. This was a lot easier when Flossie and the Mezzik were around to calm them down. My journey along its spine all the way to the base of its neck was a little haphazard and mostly on all fours, but I got there in the end. The dragon was too busy enjoying lunch to care about the gnat on its back.

The neck had large ridges along it, like a series of shark fins, and not very comfortable to sit between. I finally understood why Flossie was the Dragonrider — extra padding around the bum would have been great about now.

I wedged my bony arse into the gap between ridges and felt like I was being violated, and not in the good way.

Alright, boy. Let’s go. I slapped my hanging legs against the neck like a cowboy (like a cowboy in a movie, obviously. Fuck knows what real cowboys do). Nothing happened. I tried again and dug my heels in this time. Mistake.

The dragon reared its head up and shook itself like a wet dog. I wrapped my arms and legs around the neck as tightly as I could, but it was like being on a rodeo bull. I went flying through the air.

I landed in a heap, but these days a little fall isn’t a big deal. I rolled to a stop and spat weeds out, possibly some insects. I sat up in time to see a bulge running up the dragon’s throat. I knew what that meant and got to my feet. Time to do some running of my own.

The spray of acid was millimetres behind me. I could feel specks hit the back of my trousers and sting my skin. I threw myself out of the way in what must have looked like quite a spectacular dive, or it would have been if I hadn’t been trying to dodge dragon puke.

The grass around me instantly melted as pools of acid turned it to sludge. The acrid smell curled the hairs in my nose.

The dragon, unaware it was a weapon of mass destruction, sucked down the sludge like homemade soup. I’d forgotten just how disgusting their eating habits were. Couldn’t they just chew their cud on the inside like a regular cow?

That was amazing!

I turned to see Laney peering out from the tall grass that was just out of range of the acid.

What are you doing here? I hissed at her. Where are your useless bodyguards? I couldn’t believe she’d given them the slip.

We came back to help you, said Guardian Telma. Her face appeared next to Laney’s. Honour forbids us to run from a fight, even if it’s one we cannot win.

The other women’s faces emerged from the undergrowth.

I saw you, said Laney, eyes wide and twinkling. You wrestled the dragon. You are the Dragonslayer!

Probably something she’d read in a book. The last thing I needed was her thinking I was some kind of mythical hero. Let them think you killed a dragon and you know what happens next? Everyone wants you to kill a dragon for them. And then a giant. And then it’s a balrog infestation. Pest control wasn’t where my ambitions lay.

Does he look slayed to you? I said. I’m just distracting him while you get away. And then I was going to get away. But I can’t do either if you’re sitting in the grass having a fucking picnic, now piss off.

That’s no way to speak to a princess, said Telma, tightening her grip on the hilt of her sword.

Give me your sword, I said.

A warrior never relinquishes—

Okay, a dagger, a knife, whatever. Quick.

She hesitated a moment and then a small dagger came whistling at me. I didn’t flinch as it landed by my hand. By the way, the reason I didn’t flinch wasn’t some ice cold, Clint Eastwood mindset I’d developed, it was because I didn’t even see the fucker till it hit the turf.

I pulled it out and then tossed it lightly into the nearest pool of acid. The blade fizzed and corroded to nothing in seconds.

Acid. Your face. Get the picture?

They just stared at me. I really had to improve my communication skills. Maybe carry around an OHP and powerpoint slides.

The dragon burped loudly. I stood up to see it start lumbering away. It was about to take off. Without me.

That way, run! I shouted as I pointed over them in the opposite direction. I’ll meet you in the city, if I survive. Go!

I turned and ran. If I could get on the dragon before it took off, my escape was assured. I moved as fast as I’ve ever moved. But I was not alone. There was a defiant roar behind me and suddenly I had women charging forward on either side, swords drawn and some kind of high-pitched battle cry coming from their wide open mouths.

The dragon took one look at the gaggle of shrieking harpies descending on it, snapped out its enormous wings with a crack, and flapped them once. The force of the sharp gust was enough to blow us all off our feet.

Come back here, you piece of shit! I screamed after it.

Hands helped me up. Around me were faces full of admiration. They had mistaken my shout as a challenge to a terrifying monster, Come back and fight, you coward, but in fact it was more of a plaintive, Come back, don’t leave me.

My escape plan had escaped without me. Balls.

3. Welcome to Requbar

The women gave a victorious yell as the dragon disappeared into the blue sky. As far as they were concerned they’d seen the monster off and songs would be sung about their heroism and valour. Idiots. All they’d really done was scare off a flying cow.

Even worse, they no longer looked at me like some feeble kid they had nothing to fear from. I was capable of taking on mighty beasts single-handed which meant one of two things. They’d either want me to do the jobs they didn’t want to do themselves, or they’d see me as a threat and want to put me in my place. If ever there was a time to leave the party early, it was now.

So, Dragonslayer, said Laney, you really are the one who was sent to help us.

No, I wasn’t. You should keep looking, the guy you want is probably around here somewhere. I have to find the rest of my party. And stop calling me Dragonslayer. It sounds corny.

I’d already tried to get her to stop calling me Dragonslayer using logic (I hadn’t slain any dragons) but that hadn’t worked, so now I was appealing to her desire to not seem uncool. She may have been a lunatic but she was still a teenage girl.

Don’t worry, the legend of the Dragonslayer will never be corny. I’ll make sure everyone knows what you did here.

Ugh. I preferred it when she called me Colin the Loser. Whatever gossip she spread, I was pretty sure it would bear little resemblance to what actually happened and do nothing but cause me grief.

With you leading the liberation of Fengarad, men will flock to our cause.

"When did it become our cause? It’s got nothing to do with me." But she wasn’t listening. Her eyes had glazed over, and in some dark recess of her addled mind she was seeing ticker tape parades in her honour.

We will inform the Queen of what you did, said Telma, looking pleased with herself. The dragon won’t be so lucky next time. I shook my head. Flying cow.

You know, I could meet you in the city later. Worth a shot. I have some errands and stuff.

We insist you come with us. As our guest. She placed her hand on the sword that was back in its scabbard, but could easily be drawn again. How many dragons did a guy have to slay to get a little respect around here?

I was ‘escorted’ out of the clearing and into the trees. It was a warm day, as it usually was in Flatland, but under the dappled shade of the forest it was cool and quiet. It would have been quite a nice walk if we weren’t headed for the City of Missing Testicles.

The women were still excited about their encounter and were full of bravado.

We should have cut off its head and presented it to the Queen.

Did you see the size of its wings? Imagine the armour we could have made from its skin.

That acid breath could eat through iron. We could make it into a weapon. I wager it could eat through stone walls, too.

They nattered away, their claims about what they would do next time they fought a dragon becoming ever more exaggerated and ridiculous. I kept quiet and tried to keep my eyes open for an opportunity to give them the slip. It was quite gloomy under the forest canopy and if I could make myself as unnoticeable as possible — something I’d always excelled at — perhaps I’d be able to disappear into the shadows.

Hoo hoo, said Laney, suddenly appearing from under my armpit, or so it seemed. This is exciting, isn’t it, Colin? You’re going to be presented to the Queen of Requbar as a great hero. You’ll be able to ask her for whatever you want. Even an army to retake Fengarad.

Why don’t you ask her? Isn’t that what you want?

Laney pouted. I have asked her. She says it isn’t the right time. We have to observe the enemy to gauge their strengths and weaknesses. Pah! I already know their weakness. Cold steel right up their—

Your Highness, said Telma, waiting for us to catch up, please don’t fall behind. We still don’t know why our guest is here or his true intentions. You would be safer up front.

Laney rolled her eyes. Guardian Telma, I assure you he is no threat and I fully know his intentions. She gave me a sly sideways glance. I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean and I didn’t want to know. We have sparred many times and he is yet to dominate me. In battle.

I ignored the leer. What she said was true, although I wouldn’t call myself her sparring partner, more like her punching bag.

Maybe so, but he has been to Monsterland and may have been compromised in some way. We need to take care.

As much as I wanted them to take no notice of me, it was still annoying to be talked about like I wasn’t even here.

Do you really think if I was an enemy agent, I’d tell you I’d been to Monsterland and met with the Archfiend?

No, said Telma, which is why it is the perfect cover.

If this was the level of intelligence the Requbar army had to offer, the monsters should have the whole place under their power in no time. It’d all be over by Christmas.

Brilliant logic, Guardian. I knew I was being antagonistic and that sarcasm never went down well with women, especially the ones who thought a lot of themselves, but I couldn’t help it. If you’re so worried about what I might do to your city, all you need to do is call up the spires or ask Gullen Santan in Dargot. They’re the ones who sent me over there to risk my life for you people. Just send them a white raven or stick a note on the back of a hedgehog or however you people communicate with each other.

Telma stopped again and turned to me, hands on hips. I didn’t mean to offend you—

But you did it anyway. I forgot to ask your role in the Requbar army. Head of the diplomatic service?

Dragonslayer, please— great, now she was doing it too, and purely to butter me up —you must understand our position. We have to be extremely vigilant at this time of war. The enemy could be anywhere, take any form. I am merely being prudent.

You’re right, I said. People with poor judgement should always show prudence. I stand corrected. I kept walking. Maybe if I got far enough ahead of them I could make a break for it. They were loaded down with heavy armour and even though they were built like Olympic athletes, there was always the chance they ran like girls.

After an hour and no chance to make a swift exit, we came to a road that was little more than a mud track rutted with decades, maybe centuries, of cartwheel marks. We followed its twists and turns, the mud drying to dirt. The road widened and suddenly became cobbled.

Up ahead it was filled with carts laden with goods, their large wheels groaning under the weight. Farmers taking produce and livestock to sell in the city. Traders on horseback with packs.

We appeared to have arrived during rush hour. The carts and horses moved slowly and we soon caught them up. The sounds of conversation and laughter ceased as our little party passed. The men avoided looking at the warrior women of Requbar, and had nervous expressions on their faces. At least they appeared to have all their important organs intact. Their voices were all reassuringly baritone.

There were also women on some of the carts. They were regular shapes and sizes. They also looked apprehensive as my Amazonian escorts strolled by. It almost put a smile on my face to know I wasn’t the only one to find these jacked-up women unpleasant to be around.

We crested a small hill, and below us the city was a haze of light and shadow in the distance. It was hard to make out clearly because of what was behind it — a glittering sea. There were ships in a harbour and gulls circling overhead. Their cries had filled the air for the last couple of hours, but I hadn’t really connected it to the sea and what that meant. Where did the boats sail to?

The city slowly took shape as we approached. At least there would be food here. I was ready for something to eat other than road dust.

Requbar was different to the other cities I had visited so far. For a start, there was no wall surrounding it. There was a tall hedge, interlaced with flowering vines.

It was a very colourful settlement, with plants growing everywhere. The centrepiece was a hill, on top of which there was a castle. But the hill itself was what caught your attention. It was covered in flowers of every colour.

It’s beautiful, isn’t it? said Laney. She sighed deeply. It’s the perfect city.

Yeah, perfect for a Disney princess in need of a playhouse. Most cities couldn’t be breached without giant catapults and siege machines. Here, a pair of secateurs and you were in.

Telma led us through twisted streets past shops and taverns, hanging baskets of flowers spilling over from every roof and awning. Hedges sculpted into the shape of animals stood guard on every corner. Fountains gurgled in picturesque squares.

And everywhere we went, conversation stopped and skittish looks were directed away from us. Mothers pulled their children aside, men acted like they were closely inspecting the cobbles at their feet.

As someone who knows a thing or two about feeling awkward, I could sense the unease that we were bringing into the city. I had no doubt my presence had nothing to do with the change in atmosphere. After we passed, the people returned to acting normal, talking and joking, kids running around. The women around me, meanwhile, paid no attention to their fellow citizens. They marched eagerly and happily, their steps completely in synch. All they needed were some jackboots and they could have invaded Poland.

The people don’t seem very happy, I said to Laney under my breath.

What do you mean? she practically screamed. This is the happiest place in all of Flatland. And the number one honeymoon destination. She raised her eyebrows at me. It’s acceptable to slap a child, right? I mean, not all the time, obviously, just if it’ll make you feel better.

Ooh, said Laney suddenly. You there! She was pointing at two men slouching outside a tavern. They looked tough, like they could handle themselves in a fight. They took one look at Laney waving at them and scarpered. They didn’t just walk away, they legged it.

Oh, said Laney sounding disappointed. They must not have seen me. They had definitely seen her. Couple of prospective recruits for my army. I’m still getting the word out.

How many do you have signed up so far?

Including you?

No, not including me.

Oh, well, it’s not the numbers that are important, it’s the size of their hearts.

"I’m pretty sure the numbers are important, and everyone has roughly the same size heart. You don’t have anybody, do you?"

Laney’s mouth shrank to a tiny bud. These things take time. War is no easy thing to leave your home and loved ones for. Once I have the first few, the rest will come. She tossed her hair aside like she’d made her point and that was that. You there!

She had spotted another couple of men loafing around a street corner. These two looked like they were casing the house opposite for some light burglary. They didn’t run, they just lazily eyed-up the soldiers.

This didn’t go down well with Requbar’s finest. We came to a stop, possibly to teach these lads