The Theater of the Self: Autobiographical Notes.

By Sandra C. Fischer

‘ The Theater of the Self ’ is a condensed narrative in an autobiographical format about the encounter with an individual that disposes of multiple mental disorders creating the recurring impulses for a 23 years long odyssey to come to terms with the damaging influence. It is a voyage into the inner and outer workings of a soul to meet the challenges in falling victim to a predator with a prime psychopathic mindset and the excruciating sacrifices that such an encounter entailed over 23 years.

A small village in the Hegau - the birthplace and backdrop to happy memories of long gone and past childhood days in a volcanic landscape nestled between the lake of Constance and the Black Forest in Germany- is the starting point of the story that leads over the colorful Indian summer haven of Woodstock situated in the Catskill Mountains in New York State to the friendly island of St. Maarten in the Caribbean Sea closing the narrative once again in Germany in the busy streets of Berlin.

Just, like the instant photographs in an album, the intense and pungent portraits of the main characters are aligned in the narrative as they are appearing chronologically to bring about the resurfacing battle of a long forgotten and originally blissful state of soul essence with non-aligned soul fragments in a confrontational and painful ‘dance of ever more becoming whole’ conceiving life essentially as a journey towards completion.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sandra C. Fischer
• Release date: Aug 17, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370773404

Sandra C. Fischer

Having been born naturally curious, I embarked as a child on wanting to understand everything around me. As a preteen I raided the library of my father and read through everything I could find starting with Erich Maria Remarque, his favorite author from. All quiet on the Western Front to Jean Paul Sartre, ' The Roads to Freedom ' to even devour the ‘The Kinsey Report' in long winter months sitting glued to the heater reading for months without end. My curiosity and thirst for knowledge did not stop there having been all my life an avid reader. The vicissitudes of life brought me eventually not only to explore the literary world, but made me embark on the more philosophical notion that before the ‘word’ exists ‘thought’ propelling me to question the cause and origin of everything under the sun, my busy mind was placing in front of me constantly that led to more philosophical considerations than the ' Kinsey Report ' could offer. My affinity for knowledge made me later to delve into the field of psychology wanting to comprehend the ‘finer parts’ than the immediate physical vehicle of a human that eventually gave way to a spiritual quest involving the immaterial part and inner workings of a human, the human SOUL that introduced me to Rudolf Steiner ' The Philosophy of Freedom ' and beyond.

Book preview

The Theater of the Self

The Theater of the Self

Sandra C. Fischer

Edited by

Clare F.

Contents

THE THEATER OF THE SELF

Dedication

Poem #1 Species ‘ Mother-Animal ’ in Extinction

Prologue

The Riddle of Knowing Thyself

Conscience Versus Anti-Social

About Conscience

Note from the Author

1. 1 Homeland Remininscences

The Fateful Encounter

The Aftermath

A Tornado in the Catskill Mountains

The Abduction

A Sherlock Holmes and Watson Moment

Harry, the Con Artist

A Breath of Fresh Air

Relationships

Carla and Dieter

Key West

Italians in Halle An der Saale

Slowly falling down

The Path to Freedom

2. 2 ‘ The Scent ’ of the Wider World - Caribbean Region

The Wedding in Gretna Green

Hrricane Lenny

The Cerebral Palsy Myth

The Extradition

9/11

Litigation in New City

The Diagnosis

Clarissa Coming Home

3. 3. The Final Punch

A Light in the Darkness

Relentless Exploitation

The Misconception of a Breakthrough

Living Hell

June 25th, 2014

All Hell Broke Loose

The Fourth Abduction

Gloria’s Plight - Timeline

4. 4. Back to the Origins - The Homeland 29 Years Later

Conclusion

Epilogue

Poem # 2 - The Twilight Zone

Acknowledgments

About the Author

References

Articles/Videos

Contact Information

THE THEATER OF THE SELF

Autobiographical Notes

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SANDRA C. FISCHER

Dedication

To my children

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in the hope to foster the understanding that freedom of thought and choice

is our highest good as humans

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and

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To my parents Irma and August

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who provided me with a safe upbringing that made such choices possible applying courage overcoming any fear throughout my life

Poem #1 Species ‘ Mother-Animal ’ in Extinction

This is the last crusade,

Where you hear the swords in the air,

Exploding in the noisy silence

Of corpuses not joining anymore.

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The seed found its origin,

It is the seed of the chosen one,

How else could it be?

Love and war were her parents,

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Endless fights, infinite hopes

Let the seed grow,

Now with simplicity

With water and sun

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And leave Complexity

For those who believe

Einstein is a Jewish butcher next door,

A poor fool with no relief

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She is the carrier of an endless fight

And brings you the knowing

Like every savior

Of the light source

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We can think endlessly

To need her or not

You have torn apart

Everybody who reached for you

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The chosen one, the crucified one,

Carries her message of light

Break her and she will visit you

With her face meandering through times

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Surrender with the wisdom of the one,

Knowing that her origin is yours,

Your tears she cried through ages

Carried relentlessly your battles throughout

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Lilith, the angel of the dark

Fallen being of denial to our forefather

She left behind your senseless pain

Breathing instantly

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The first wife to man

Not known to many of you,

The wife to the neighbor’s butcher

Carrying the only seed

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Freedom will come

From the shadows

Now and forever with love

From the fresh blood of slaughter

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L’ Chaim

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(Sandra Fischer - December 13, 2004)

Prologue

Over the time span of 21 years I was forced to develop my mental, emotional and spiritual capacities to my best ability in order to guarantee the survival of my children and myself having fallen prey to a prime psychopath without my knowing initially .

The over two decades long experience and painstaking process has produced highly traumatizing episodes with high recurrence over a long period of time in extricating my children and myself from such a nefarious influence that hopefully will be terminated soon.

7 years of self-reflection entering the process of knowing thyself better gave way to battle the insuring psychopathic control over our immediate surroundings for other 7 years and is finding now its conclusion over these past 7 years in understanding that my encounter with the psychopathic dimension is not an isolated nor a ‘personal problem’, but the very battle, humanity is fighting for a long time.

My findings, thoughts and personal opinions that are illustrated throughout the book do not want to give the appearance of flashy light-bulb episodes or conspiracy-theorist laced euphemisms that crave absolute adherence from others, but are the sum total of my personal experiences in regards to the exposure to a psychopathic mindset that stands as a concentrated threat against the inner and outer workings of a human in all its different layers of existence as I was made painfully aware of.

I hope that my experience will contribute in understanding ourselves, others and our surroundings better to tackle the ‘problem of alienation’ in all its facets – instigated by a psychopathic presence -, mankind has been assaulted for so long.

The Riddle of Knowing Thyself

The inherent dichotomy of knowing oneself is striking and self-revelatory.

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We have been gauged into worshipping gods outside of ourselves and beyond our intrinsic self-knowledge that we still cry for leaders when the very truth lies in ourselves as the ultimate source of understanding.

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For so long we were led astray from our own understanding to BE that does not entail worshipping the world outside of us, but coming home to ourselves.

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Real understanding of oneself being part of creation like everything around us, gives us the very comprehension for the other, leads to true conscience and ultimately to a whole self.

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We can choose to follow suit in being incorporated into a grander scheme of things and therefore follow regimes, the latest fashions and ideologies, until the cows come home, nevertheless it only will distance us from the very notion that our bodies are temples to ourselves and our souls permeate that physical life form called body in 3 D that is an emanation of the very source going beyond a 3D consciousness, we originate from.

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The psychopathic dimension of mind debauchery is the most insipid form to lead us astray from true knowledge knowing thyself by killing the very thought of overall source of creative force substituting such origin for oneself that has become the source aka god.

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How can we conceive to be God to then abandon the whole thought all at once?

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The fine distinction lies in the notion that we are all emanations of a creative will and order, each and all of us, but not god to others in an absolute sense, but only to ourselves.

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The godly aka creative dimension of each and all of us stops us dead in our tracks, when we try to substitute ourselves for the very creative source we originate from, which is the impossible plight of the psychopathic consciousness that is doomed to fail once again and from the start by definition.

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Our ‘divine spark‘ we are born with indistinctively, whether we acknowledge it or not, is our salvation each and every time throughout ages.

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We ‘as humans‘ have been hijacked as creative emanations of a bigger whole for so long that we oscillate in extreme ways between becoming god or abandoning god - both manifestations to loose our very essence of our existence as divine creatures to complete the downfall of man and the thyself consciousness", we have experienced more than once.

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Again the distinction is subtle to put ourselves as the ultimate source for our own life and on the other side hand over our life spark to god sources or similar outside of ourselves.

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We are ultimately beings as humans created by a common source that pervades all of us and the rest of the universe, but we are a mere fraction of the whole in all its facets having mostly lost what creative self-determination really means wanting to become source ourselves, substituting source without having a clue what it actually entails, having been brainwashed through ages by imposters from other star systems to oblivion.

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The notion is clear and comes across as the ultimate dilemma of human existence throughout ages, civilizations and possible worlds.

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We are of divine origin, but we aren‘t GOD – to express it in one simple statement.

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The ‘psychopathic dimension’ is a created simulacrum of having substituted itself for the godly creation by vying factions, some call it the devilish forces, Archons, Annunaki, pure evil or whatever (being simply the extreme emanation of free will with a non-human make up), surely enough, if they are allowed to take over humanity, it will inaugurate once again the sore chapter to start from scratch and will extinguish any evolutionary development of mankind once again to find its very origin and moreover finally entering the circle of a truly creative species amongst others in a universe that holds more than just humankind.

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I guess, we have infinite time to spare to go thru the whole gig once again, we have repeated so many times until we come to our senses to know thyself once more.

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Hindu Upanishads confirmed, Enquiry into the truth of the Self is knowledge.

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Man is, and always has been, a being in search of truth and identity. - George Gurdijeff

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The first reason for man’s inner slavery is his ignorance of himself. - George Gurdijeff

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Without self-knowledge, man cannot be free, he cannot govern himself and he will always remain a slave. This is why in all ancient teachings the first demand at the beginning of the way to liberation was: ‘Know thyself’. – George Gurdijeff

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The essence of knowledge is self-knowledge, - Plato

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In every man there is an eye of the soul which is more precious than ten thousand bodily eyes. - Plato

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At last, in a flash, understanding blazes up, and the mind, as it exerts all its powers to the limit of human capacity, is flooded with light. - Plato

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Thou must keep in view what thou art, striving to know thyself, the most difficult thing to know that the mind can imagine. - Miguel de Cervantes

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Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power. – Lao Tse

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One’s Self I sing; a simple separate person. - Walt Whitman

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I have an inner self of which I was ignorant. - Rainer Maria Rilke

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There are three things extremely hard,Steel, a Diamond and knowing oneself- Benjamin Franklin

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Observe all men; thy self most. - Benjamin Franklin

Conscience Versus Anti-Social

The times, we are living in, have put us in front of quite a complex scenario in terms of understanding ourselves, others and the wider context.

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Homo sapiens seems to have reached the apex in satisfying any and all desires to be fulfilled instantly through a wealth of consumer goods, immediate connections with the remotest places or people on our planet via a simple mouse click.

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Nothing could be further from the truth.

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Humanity is assaulted by violent wars more than ever, diseases that spread faster than light, a poisoned and exploited natural habitat and alienation and disconnection from others to the point that we have the need to invent plastic devices to satisfy our sexual desires.

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We have become so estranged from ourselves and our own kind that we rather play lone wolf in front of a TV or a computer screen than allowing ourselves to build bridges with other unique selves taking the risk to be vulnerable in our own uniqueness.

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How did we get here???

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How comes that we are more homophobic, racist and intolerant against heterodox views of others in a world that contains more people on this planet than ever???

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Nowadays we rather choose to engage with our smartphones than with our fellow humans.

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Where is that intrinsic alienation coming from, of which all races, cultures and nations are imbued with today like today - an alienation towards ourselves as much as to anything that constitutes the outside to our ‘selfhood’ ???

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Is Homo sapiens on its way to loose its inherent human characteristics morphing into another species that has put its own destruction to the forefront in order to overcome ‘disparateness’ as the most desired goal ???

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In order to attempt to find answers to the above we ought to define what homo sapiens effectively means.

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One of the most outstanding characteristics of a so-called human is his social self as Aristotle has defined it more than 2500 years ago.

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Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally is either beneath our notice or more than human. Society is something that precedes the individual. Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or a god.

-Aristotle

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Our technological advancement in particular the Internet satisfies the natural curiosity of mankind, another outstanding human trait, but at the same time is contributing in alienating us from our inherent ‘sociability‘ to engage in meaningful relationships with others.

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A growing development of anti-social tendencies is palpable and increasing despite the myriads of social networks to connect with everybody and everything under the sun.

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Is antisocial behavior or as Aristotle defined it as self- sufficiency the newest trend of an exaggerated form of individualism to overcome the programmed alienation from ourselves and our fellow human beings in an ever increasing engagement with machines???

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The question arises: Can machines become ‚social‘ to overcome the inherent diverging need of mankind to use tools as an evolutionary medium to further its development or are we are again in the thrall to elevate and worship the modern tool in form of machines as the ultimate and new god to satisfy our desire of belonging???

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Is modern humanity receding once more into worshipping the proverbial bone as a God instead of making the mature, intelligent and creative choice to put his conscientious nature first that seeks companionship and reciprocity with its kin and puts its ability of handling tools into second place??

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"Other species that can’t develop unconditional selflessness can’t think truthfully and thus effectively because unconditional selflessness, which they are unable to recognize, is the truthful theme or meaning of existence. The point is you can’t hope to think truthfully and thus effectively if you’re lying.

Selfishness-practicing species have an emerging mind that is dishonestly orientated, a mind that is alienated from the truth, which means it can never make sense of experience and thus never become conscious." Jeremy Griffith, 2011

About Conscience

When conscience‘ speaks to man, it is that part in him that connects him with everything around him making him aware in its most individual expression that he has a voice in being part of humanity in the most elemental and noblest sense, he can think of.

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That inner voice connects him with the plight of all mankind.

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Who is then the one who walks away when a fellow human gets injured and nobody than himself is around to help, shrugging the shoulders about the misfortune of his fellow man distancing himself as fast as he can???

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How strong is our adhesion to consider ourselves part of a bigger whole, in which the whole cannot heal unless its parts are healed???

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A psychopathic individual in my experience does not carry the connection with the bigger whole and therefore is apt to deny any assistance to his fellow man at any given time, unless it serves his very own agenda contributing to his own self-aggrandizement.

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His/her consciousness is reduced to the point that he is his own god who is so omnipotent that others are considered useless eaters who have to be crushed in his claim of parasitical energy theft. The ‘sanctity of life’ principle that permeates the existence of any creative species is fully absent in a psychopath.

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The lack of an inner perspective in being part of the creative source has completely