Just Call Me Bob

By Stewart Martin

This is a fictional parody, ‘Just Call Me Bob’ is about President Barack H. Obama, aka, ‘BOB’. At times, reality rears its head and forces the President to act rationally as the fate of the nation is in his hands. This story is about his new home, his cabinet choices and how he faces major problems and attempts to solve them.

In this comedy / political farce, President Obama clearly possesses innate intelligence blended with a con man’s silver tongue and he uses these talents to respond to difficult questions. He is blessed with the ability to turn ‘mountains into molehills’ by utilizing his quick wit and humorous nature.

The President manages to prove to friends and foes alike, he is a ‘man for all seasons’. Once in every so many hundred years someone emerges from the masses and becomes larger than life. President Obama is such a man!

Many of the chapters in my book are tied to conferences and media interview events. Obama is the first Black man to be; Head of the Harvard Law Review, the First Black Senator and the First Black President of the USA.

Do not assume the wrong impression of me, I am not a racist and never will be. I’m a huge fan of President Obama, but cannot resist the temptation of poking a finger at him and his imaginary executive staff.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stewart Martin
• Release date: May 20, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370789542

Stewart Martin

I am a university graduate with a major in political science (BBA). I was brought up in New York and Florida and have been living in Orient for the last 25 years. I have three children from a previous marriage, a daughter and two sons. I have a son now attending university here in the orient. I have been writing since I was 15 and learning something new and exciting each and every day. I have five fiction stories that I have written between 2009 and 2017. I believe my stories are interesting and keeping my fingers crossed that others will find them to their liking. Any comments or suggestions are always appreciated. My thanks to SmashWords and to all readers.

Book preview

JUST CALL ME ‘BOB’

Stewart Martin

Copyright © 2017 Stewart Martin

All rights reserved.

Distributed by Smashwords

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Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

Contents

Chapter 1: First Home Press conference

Chapter 2: Meet the Press Interview

Chapter 3: Interview with Twenty/Twenty

Chapter 4: Interview an Impromptu Question and Answer Secession upon returning from Outer- Space and landing at the Houston Space Center

Chapter 5: Congressional Scrutiny

Chapter 6: 60 Minutes

Chapter 7: Face the Nation’ Interview

Chapter 8: The Up-side-down Black House Press Conference

Chapter 9: End of the 2nd year Press Conference

Chapter 10: The No Press Conference, Conference!

Chapter 11: After the Election Press Conference

Chapter 12: The Town Hall / Broadband ‘Internet’ Interview

Chapter 13: The Joint Press Announcement

Chapter 14: A Final Press Release

Chapter 1

First Home Press conference

Newly elected United States President, Barack H. Obama, appears in a doorway and walks toward a podium on a raised platform in the front of the room. The President gives a quick fist-bump to Emanuel, his newly appointed White House Chief of Staff and steps in front of the podium. He is wearing a conservative, well-tailored navy blue suit with a striped red and navy tie. He has a basketball cradled to his chest held in place with his left hand. Everyone is standing and applauding.

Thank you and welcome to my new home. Please be seated. I’m still not used to everyone standing when I come into a room.

Many people find my name is a little difficult to say or remember at times so you may simply call me by my initials, B.OB, or actually, ‘BOB’ or President BOB and you may refer to my wife as MO. The President hears his wife in the background, but isn’t quite certain what she has said. He calls out,

What’s that MO?

Did someone say something about B.O.? Didn’t you use that new deodorant?

No Honey, we were just discussing an informal, shortened version of my name, instead of Barack Obama or President Barack Obama.

Sounds strange to me! said MO.

What do you mean by strange? Do you mean my actual name or BOB? Never mind, we’ll talk this over after this press meeting.

MO continued with, One more thing, why are you holding a basketball?

I guess I’m a little nervous facing all of these journalists at one time. Perhaps it’s my security blanket. Everyone smiled as the President turned to one of the Secret Servicemen and tossed the ball to him. The agent didn’t catch the ball cleanly and it bounced from his outstretched hands hitting him in the nose and caused a nosebleed. The attending doctor for the President was always nearby and was almost instantly at the agent’s side as he was led out of the room.

Oops, said the President. Sorry for the interruption. I really do have several important announcements to make regarding several changes that are already being worked on.

Before I get into the changes I must apologize for my overly zealous security team, making all of you take off your shoes before allowing you to enter the press conference room. The Secret Service insisted and I guess the majority of you realize why. Last year on December 15th during a Baghdad News Conference an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at President Bush, which in the Arab world is considered a terrible insult. The shoe thrower, named Muntathar al Zaidi, worked for the Cario Egypt based Bughdadiya Television for a number of years and was yelling, ‘this is a goodbye kiss, you dog’. President Bush didn’t have any problem ducking the shoes or with the insult and made a few light jokes about the incident. However, the Secret Service was not what you would call ‘Johnny on the spot’, until after this occurred. Obviously, they have managed to over react in an attempt to protect me and listened to the advice from our ex-Vice President Cheney who is somewhat of a specialist in security matters. That guy is really on the ball. I really didn’t feel it was necessary, but some of the women’s three inch spike heels did look a bit dangerous. I want to thank you all for your cooperation.

Two rumors are surrounding the ‘shoe thrower’, one that he may be seeking political asylum in Switzerland or elsewhere and the other that the New York Yankees are considering offering him a contract as a relief pitcher. His family has denied that he is seeking asylum anywhere. We haven’t gotten confirmation, but have heard the Yankees and his agent are holding talks. It’s the impossible happening that makes our society so interesting! Well good luck to him!

Secondly, I’m sure you have all heard about a few rumors on the David Letterman Show regarding this historic landmark building. I want to clear the air and let the world know that as of today the name has been officially changed to THE BLACK HOUSE. The silent listeners were all talking and shaking their heads not quite believing what they had just heard. Please hold down the noise and I will answer your questions right after my announcements are completed.

We have already signed contracts to have the place repainted completely black, keeping in tune with its name change. The painting contractor’s, Mike and Ike, were recommended by Joe the Plumber and are from his local neighborhood. This building and the surrounding buildings will all be spray painted in ‘Ebony Black’ the finest high quality spray paint ever manufactured. This entire structure will be completely painted within a week as Mike and Ike are going to spray paint directly from two crop-dusters that have just arrived from their home town. Now don’t worry, their work is guaranteed for at least the next four years. Mo and I will help spray over any spots the planes may miss. This should be a lot of fun!

By the way, we have checked with the former V.P., Cheney and he agrees that this will add to the security of the building and save quite a bit of money by lowering the insurance premiums. Mr. Cheney did make an important suggestion. Yes, Mr. Cheney we are going to use blackout curtains throughout the entire house. At night this place will be for all intent and purposes will almost be invisible making it extremely difficult for any aircraft to target this place.

Mr. Cheney emphatically denied the rumor that his heart has been replaced by either a newly developed robotic model or by a tiny black box similar to ones in airplanes.

In addition, some of my ancestors may have been part of the crew who built this House, as slave labor was extensively used during its construction. The renaming of this historic house is in a way calling attention to this fact and honoring their contribution to our nation’s history.

I would like you all to know that I have been very conscious of saving energy and have a habit of turning off the lights at night. I have begun to run around this big place doing the same thing. I’ve already worn out a new pair of track shoes, but have been told that the Secret Service will either take over or assist me with this chore for me from now on. A meeting is scheduled to discuss this and develop a plan of action. Wow, what a useful group of agents! I also want to assure you all this renaming and repainting is not a racial issue as far as I am concerned.

Thirdly, my Presidential aircraft, Air Force One, will be replaced by the new thirty-five billion dollar Stealth bomber and for the record is also being painted ebony black’… I’ll be able to get back to Kenya for our annual dance festival without anyone aware that I am arriving or for that matter that I have even left Washington. I felt the name was a bit pompous and we have renamed the plane: ‘The Black Cloud’ and man does that baby move…

One of the more interesting perks of being President is my new bulletproof Cadillac limo with eight inch thick doors, hand sewn interior and a communication system that includes a number of phones, satellite connections and of course the internet. One Secret Service agent had suggested building a special hidden compartment in the trunk where two carrier pigeons would be kept just in case all other means of communications were disabled. Thank heaven that was ruled out. I’m allergic to most bird feathers. In addition, there is a weapons system I’m not supposed to discuss. I’m somewhat isolated, but very safe from most hazards including a direct attack. This limo is soundproof and when riding inside it is perhaps best compared to returning to the womb, but at the very least I’ll be able to watch part of an NBA game or two when time permits. The limo has been nicknamed ‘the Beast’ and we are officially changing that to ‘the Black Beast’ in keeping with our overall theme. This limo may actually be part car and part truck, but with a very smooth ride and to some people its looks have been compared to a tank. I did have them remove the rear ejection seats just in case I push the wrong button.

Next on my list is my new ten million dollar basketball court already undergoing construction on the Black House lawn directly fronting almost to the fenced in area on Pennsylvania Avenue. Joe the Plumber was able to get another top notch contractor from his home town to build this indoor court and it goes without saying that Joe will handle all of the water connections for the showers and toilets. I put my foot down and wouldn’t allow them to name the court ‘Blackball Hall’.

Fifth on my list has made my daughters very happy. They have just gotten their new dog, a cross between a free-range wolf and pit bull and decided to name it ‘BO’….and yes of course, BO is quite black. I will never be insulted by anyone calling me BOB, or President BOB, as my girls always call me Dad and once in awhile, MO, calls me several other things. At home only our new puppy will be called BO, and we won’t need to have a BO 1 and a BO 2. I am not a formal guy and sharing our new dog’s name will not be an issue. That is why I have settled on BOB, as I have anticipated one or more reporters to using a headline such as, ‘Two Dogs in the Black House’ or ‘Is President BO Barking?’ or something along those lines. Whoever might be considering this please be aware we can always use a well-seasoned reporter to walk the dog and to clean up after him."

I don’t know why but this reminds me of one of my favorite stories about Abraham Lincoln that came about during the famous Lincoln / Douglas debates, when suddenly Douglas accused Lincoln of being, ‘a two-faced liar’ and Lincoln fired back, ‘If I had two-faces, I wouldn’t keep the one I have now.

Sixth is regarding religious beliefs. There have been many critics regarding my choice of Ministers and especially because of some of the statements made by them. Therefore, beginning next week and every week thereafter, I have invited a different well known individual to enlighten us with their views on the New and Old Testaments, the Koran, etc. Initially, Reverend Jessie Jackson, then the following week the Reverend Al Sharpton, then Rabbi Schwartz, from New York’s Temple Emanuel; from Iran their esteemed spiritual leader, Mohammad Khatami and from the island of Jamaica, a local Voodoo Witch Doctor who is somewhat famous as a specialist in the ‘Living Dead’ or as they are sometimes known as Zombies. Our Black House staff is working on other bookings. I’m looking forward to their lectures. We believe our children should be exposed to all religious beliefs and in doing so help us all to understand the mindset of other people around the globe.

Another rumor has circulated and it’s simply ridiculous. I have not been using Michael Jackson’s doctor to lighten my skin color. This is completely untrue as I am very happy in my skin just the way it is. I do however own and occasionally wear a pair of white gloves. I also learned how to do the ‘MoonWalk’. It’s so much fun gliding across the dance floor. If time permits I’ll give you a demonstration after dinner. Last night I glided across many rooms while turning out the lights. MO promised me she was going to get me a new pair of special dance shoes. I hope she buys them today.

I have kept my word and offered one prominent Republican a position on my Black House staff. Unfortunately, Sarah Palin, or ‘SAP’ as I refer to her, rejected my offered as senior executive director of our new non-gas guzzling dog sled teams. She may change her mind. I certainly hope so, as she would be a valuable asset here in Washington once winter sets in and we get a bit of snow. MO also suggested that SAP would make an outstanding personal shopper, but so far I haven’t spoken to her about that position. I wonder if Hillary would be …… A bit of laughter was heard as the President raised his hand and continued with;

The last item on my list is personal invitation from my family to join us for dinner directly after this Press Conference. We are going to have some real down-home ‘soul food’ complete with southern fried chicken, homemade biscuits and brown gravy, chit-lings, black eyed peas and cat fish for those of you who don’t eat meat. And for desert, all the watermelon you can eat. How about that? It’s time for everyone to make a fist like mine and pretend to be giving me a fist-bump! As the President’s right fist extended toward the attending Press, the entire press corps responded by extending their fists toward the President.

Come on everyone, lighten up, we are going to have an absolutely fabulous French dinner prepared by our amazing Black House chef. However, in addition to whatever the chef has made for desert, the watermelon is still included.

We may make the fist-bump an official way of meeting and greeting visitors from around the globe, rather than shaking hands. Ex-Vice President Cheney believes it is more sanitary and even a little more friendly than shaking hands as long as I don’t fist-bump anyone too hard and the Secret Service is going to hold a meeting to decide the pros and cons.

Now before we go inside and stuff ourselves, the floor is open for any questions you may have.

You sir, in the third row center, I believe from the Washington Post. What is your question?

"Mr. President, thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak directly with you. Sir, do you think the American people will object to having the name of the White House, changed to the Black House and repainted entirely black?

Dear Sir, the people of our great country have given me a total mandate to make changes and I will live up to my campaign pledge that ‘Change will happen’ and this is just one small item on a gigantic list in my possession. If anyone disagrees with this, I believe it would be unpatriotic and selfish for them to do so and perhaps even a bit unethical. Up until my election, only Whites lived here and all of them loved or accepted the color white. I never complained about their color scheme and no one should be questioning mine. I have never told anyone what color to paint their home and don’t think anyone has a legitimate reason to expect me to follow what they like. I know that the local state and federal authorities will be on their toes to report anyone questioning the necessity for making this historic change. Surely, the security factor alone should please them. We don’t expect any real opposition to our changes, after all that was the main theme behind by election campaign. If too many people complain about this change, I may be forced to keep our Guantanamo Bay Prison open for a few more years. Come on now, I’m just pulling your leg!

"Yes, young lady in the next to last row, you are from the New Yorker Magazine, is that correct?’

Yes sir, President BOB, thank you for acknowledging me. Could you possibly tell me who is being considered as Secretary of Defense, at least who is on the list and who else is under consideration to fill the other posts?

Well I’m not prepared to really give out any names, but clearly a former General may fill the bill; a military hero perhaps; a powerful female Cabinet member having served in the Bush administration who is still on the job and even a heroic non-military individual. I do have a rather extensive short list and will act upon it within the next few days.

You are all aware that every President is protected by the Secret Service and while that thought is on my mind, I am bringing in my own personal bodyguard as part of my staff. He has just confirmed his acceptance of my offer and will not be signing a new contract in the NBA. He will be here in a few days. I hope you will all welcome Shaquille O’Neal as my new personal guard and he has agreed to teach me some of the finer points of basketball. Incidentally, he has agreed to call me BOB if I call him SON. I knew he was the man for me as his last name begins with the letter O. It makes me feel very good when I can save our taxpayers money and get one man who will be doing the job of two. Most people are unaware of the fact that Shaquille is an expert in martial arts and may decide compete in kickboxing every now and then. He has been receiving instruction for over ten years and it wouldn’t surprise me if he became a champion in this sport as well.

Sorry, I got off the focal point of your question. You may be assured that any person selected will have the highest standards, that individual will have the knowledge required to get the job done while gaining the respect of other leaders around the world.

Excuse me BOB, but may I ask you about another subject?

Yes of course!

President BOB, one of the many differences between Senator McCain and yourself was the statement you made that you would negotiate with any leader around the world, even the heads of foreign countries considered hostile to the U.S. Is this a fact and have you already spoken to any of these people?

My, my young lady that’s quite a question. I won’t dodge the bullet. Yes I have already spoken to President Chavez of Venezuela; Kim Jong-il of North Korea; Raul Castro of Cuba; President Ahmadinejad of Iran and made plans to meet with them this coming week. We will host a dinner in their honor and all weapons will be checked at the door. In fact, Chavez has challenged me to a one on one basketball best out of twenty shots contest and that is the main reason why we have five thousand previously unemployed workers rushing around the clock to complete this new court. He has suggested playing for oil wells. It has been projected by the Secret Service that I should win at least four or five oil wells, but you can never count your oil wells until the game is over. Yo, how about that? Give me a fist-bump everyone! The fist-bump was followed by light applause.

One more invitation has been delivered to Mr. Bin Laden in Pakistan, but so far he hasn’t replied. I’m hoping he will at least come to the dinner. For the record, our special undercover agents in the CIA, FBI and Military weren’t able to find him, but his nephew in Pairs speaks to him every other day and was almost immediately able to get through to him. One of our agents wanted to send in a guided bomb to blow up the phone booth where the call was received. Everyone knows where this phone is located, as it’s the only one up in the mountains in Pakistan above eight thousand feet. I was able to stop any attack until we at least speak to each other face to face. A few weeks ago Mr. Bin Laden did send me a brief congratulations note and at the bottom it said, ‘good luck, you’re going to need it’. Wonder what he meant?

It has been brought to my attention that Mr. Bin Laden’s youngest son, the twenty-seven year old Omar Osama Bin Laden, now residing in Egypt, was seeking asylum in Spain and that the government has turned down his request. We have received information that he intends to become a diplomat offering to open up lines of peaceful communication between the Western world and the Arab world. I believe his offer is genuine and have in turn offered him a USA citizenship, a newly created cabinet position, Deputy Minister of Understanding. He has verbally accepted and while he looks for housing for his family, I suggested that he stay in one of the wings of the Black House. Unfortunately, he has to leave his favorite camel in Egypt. He will likely be here in a few days.

"I know quite a few of you are anxious about our former president’s plan to construct a ‘missile defense shield’ and the warnings of reprisals coming from Russia’s leaders if this is actually built especially in Poland directly facing their country. Russia has stated they will ‘jam’ our communications from Poland and indicated other actions would also be necessary. Now I’m not one to start the ‘cold war’ all over again and I don’t believe they are either. We have our own ongoing ‘hot wars’ to put an end to and they have their own internal problems in Georgia and so on. I have actually spoken to Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and President Dmitry Medvedev both of whom will try to be here within two weeks to discuss our viewpoints and find a way to make this problem go away. Putin suggested scrapping the ‘missile shield’ entirely as it would be outdated before it was completed and if we agree to do so, Russia would sell us all the oil we wanted at 10% below the worldwide market average price during any week. Putin is a real wheeler-dealer. Medvedev’s