My Ayahuasca Nightmare

By Tracy Ruth Waters

Tracy Waters first wrote this book under the title ‘From Rape to Forgiveness and the Journey home’. The book was taken from diaries and memoirs written over a period of ten years while trying to heal from a painful divorce, and a long recovery from a car accident. The failing of western medicine found her down in Peru looking for alternative methods to heal from a diagnosis of brain damage. From there she takes you on an often-terrifying journey of holistic healing through shamanism and Ayahuasca. The administrators of this very divine plant were discovered to be very inappropriate shamans residing down in Peru in the Amazon rain forest. These shamans and their North American apprentices had nothing but their own greed and interests in mind. Risking her life and health, Ms. Waters shares her journey as she discovers that dark energies (black magic) sent to her kept her suicidal and a previous gang rape kept her constantly internalizing pain. In the unfolding of the story Waters exposes the many people that carry very dark hearts as they pass themselves off as healers with intentions of taking money and the manipulating the souls of the ones they were hired to heal.
As she considered shelfing the first publication her conscious got the better of her, and she decided to release the book under a far more suitable title for the circumstances that followed and the years of torment she went through after trusting the shamans of Peru. Her belief is nobody should ever again go through what she went through, and it has been proven that the many stories being spoken out loud have slowed down the black magic, and the seductions that for years were coming out of the jungle daily! If you have a story to tell that could save just one life, it must be told! This is Tracy’s story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tracy Ruth Waters
• Release date: May 18, 2017
• ISBN: 9781773027487

Book preview

9781773027487.jpg

my

Ayahuasca

Nightmare

Tracy Ruth Waters

My Ayahuasca Nightmare was previously published by Trafford Publishing under the title From Rape to forgiveness and the Journey home. My choice in changing the name and republishing it becomes painfully obvious as you read the book. First off, I never did market it much as I was very sick when I wrote it and had been for few years. I had trusted yet again some very dishonest people that had said they had edited it, and clearly, they had not, including Trafford! Also, as you’ll notice there is not one bit of forgiveness in it. How could there be with what went on in the jungle, ‘the work’ was not what ‘they’ wanted me to do!

Although the beautiful sacred plant Ayahuasca is what has healed me, served me and taught me. I still need to tell this story. My intention is not to bring negative energy around the sacred plant, but attention to some of the people that use her medicine to get at weak, needy, vulnerable people. It becomes very clear in this book that I spent years in a victim mentality and attracted some of the worst people in my life to me. I had no tools to get out of this, and this was not recognized by any of the people I was counting on. These people and situations were magnified because of the vibration I was sending out.

What went on down in the Peruvian rainforest was tragic and repulsive. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I see the social culture it stems from and see the ignorance of the people that created it and allowed it to go on for so long! It was dangerous, it was ridiculous, it was expensive and it took six years of my life!! Now that I’m on the other side however, I have found forgiveness for much of what goes on in this world, and I have acquired tolerance for such ignorance, the thought of them no longer totally sickens me.

I’m putting this book out there again, because all the monkey business going on in the molokas and temples down there has not stopped completely. But the efforts of everyone speaking up and the people down there realizing we didn’t scare easy, and would not be silenced, brought an audience that was paying attention. This has shed light on some and has rightly caused reputations to be ruined down there. It’s part of ‘the work’ to be an ethical shaman and some of them lack ethics and are not without plenty of faults.

With that comes some very tough lessons, but I got it, and I’m better. This entire life of mine has been full of tough lessons. I share them with people, being of service as much as I can in this world. I’m honored and stay in prayer with the God energies available to us on earth at this time. I walk blessed.

To give back and continue my service to others, I have partnered with Dr. Sylvia Bell. We will be adding onto the menu of the many workshops and healing retreats at http://sacredtransitions.ca Together we will be offering a workshop titled, Finding Grace: How to let go, move on and be your best self for your best life. Our intention is to help people recognize their victim mentality and how to get out of it! Sylvia is a dear friend, a lifelong teacher, and committed to helping others learn

In Peace and Grace

Tracy Ruth Waters

Http://www.sacredtransitions.ca

My Ayahuasca Nightmare

Tracy Ruth Waters

[e-mail]

TO THE READERS

In this story that follows, my intention is to honestly share with you a story of my seemingly endless search for holistic healing with the very popular and divine medicine plant Ayahuasca, not by science and drivel that you would not understand unless you’re into botany (the study of plants), but by my first-hand experience, as a trusting, wounded soul who gave everything to her healing, and everything was taken. As powerful as the divine energies of this plant are, unfortunately, there is a great cloud around her with the same intensity of darkness that surrounds this female teacher plant. That darkness comes from some of the people administering her, and facilitating the many ceremonies here in Canada as well as the United States and down in the jungles of South America. A good healer does not carry a dark heart. I know many people have great experiences with this plant, and with the Shipibo Indians and other tribal shaman of Iquitos, Peru. I also however, know personally, MANY who have not!

Power and greed, unfortunately, cast a very large, dark shadow over some of the beauty and divinity of this very powerful and amazing medicine plant. Sadly, greed and control encourage some of the shamans to misuse their knowledge and their talents to bring the patient mental illness and ultimately death. There is no other term for it than Blackmagic. If you believe in the light, you must be open to believe in the dark. It is a universal law.

Since many ceremonies are being held in yurts and yoga studios around the globe, I felt it most important to share some painfully-acquired information with my global brothers and sisters, as well as anyone who decides to get involved with the beauty and amazement that is Ayahuasca. Please read this book with an open mind and an open heart.

Namaste,

T.R. Waters

[e-mail]

http://www.sacredtransitions.ca

DEDICATION

I would like to dedicate this book to people everywhere who are on a journey of healing and self-discovery. My wish is that my story helps map out for you some of your decisions, and inspires you to come from a place of truth, about yourself and the world we live in, and to be honest with yourself about where your pain comes from.

A special dedication also goes to those who have survived any sort of sexual manipulation at the hands of their ignorant perpetrators. I encourage you to find you’re healing and move on. You are wasting very precious time. I hope some of my words can assist you with that.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to first thank Shane Beresford for taking my design and doing exactly as I asked with his brilliant artwork and fabulous mind. Thank you, Shane. http://www.artofshane.com I would also like to thank Alma Lightbody for being with me right from the beginning at our writer’s retreat at my place in Peru, to the now-published manuscript. Thank you my friend. I love you dearly. I would like to thank Findlay Clark for the effort made at the beginning of the rough copy of the book, dealing with my tears and the anger that would rise as we scrolled through the pages, reawakening old memories and bringing on new tears and pain.

Thank you, Findlay.

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did not thank all my friends and family for tolerating the almost-always swinging of moods and countless feelings of madness that they witnessed, with seemingly no good explanation, until now.

Some of you are still in my life. Some are not. For that I am sorry. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, all of you. You know who you are. I hope we continue to teach each other for many years to come.

Namaste

Contents

TO THE READERS

DEDICATION

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE

My Family

Chapter Two

Brain Damage

Chapter Three

La Dieta

Chapter Four

The Seduction

Chapter Five

The Lagoon

CHAPTER SIX

Trying To Reclaim my Sexuality

Chapter Seven

Knight in Shining Armor?

Chapter Eight

Heal the Healer

CHAPTER NINE

Norma Panduro

Chapter Ten

The Youngest Shaman

Chapter Eleven

Into the Jungle with Ross

Chapter Twelve

Very Angry Plants

Chapter Thirteen

The Centre of the Universe

Chapter Fourteen

A Mothers Love

Chapter fifteen

Javier

Chapter Sixteen

Black Magic

Chapter Seventeen

Back In

ENDING ONE {APRIL 2011}

ENDING TWO {MAY 2011}

ENDING THREE {AUGUST 2011}

My Yoga and Workshops

Copyright

THE HIGHEST FORM OF IGNORANCE IS WHEN YOU REJECT SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT.

WAYNE DYER

INTRODUCTION

I found myself face down, with my head between my ankles which were still on the floor. It was completely dark, past midnight, when the heavy sedan I was riding in met an on-coming vehicle on the makeshift hillside road. The driver of our car, who I knew only slightly, edged to the side of the road as a wide-bodied truck bore down on us. The roadbed was not solid enough for the weight of the car, and it began to slide down the hill, and then toppled over into a roll.

The vehicle slammed into a tree. I ended up with my head between my ankles. The car stopped upside down with the roof caved in. My head was twisted to the left and I remained stuck with my head down at my ankles between the dashboard and floor. My bottom was still in the seat. I was stuck in that position until, using a crowbar, the people driving the truck managed to free me. I remember crawling over shards of broken glass, blinded by the dirt in my eyes and the fear in my heart.

It was the summer of 2001. While my physical body was limping away from the mangled vehicle, my emotional self remained there, trapped in the wreckage.

Over the years, the pain, the pills and the depression led me to the Amazon rainforest to work with a world-renowned Peruvian shaman and the infamous Ayahuasca. I wanted to start the book with some background information on how and why I ended up searching out an alternative medicinal source. I dearly hope the psychology behind my decisions might help you, the reader, better understand who I was, and how I became the woman you will meet in the end.

There are many books about this very sacred plant, Ayahuasca. I haven’t come across any so far that speak about the very dark and negative energies that can sometimes destroy peoples’ lives and ignite a deeper greed. This type of darkness I did not even witness in the seven men that had gang-raped me, many, many years before the car accident.

IF A COUNTRY IS GOING TO FAIL, IT WILL BE BECAUSE THE PARENTS AND COMMUNITY FAILED TO TEACH THEIR CHILDREN THE VALUES OF WISDOM AND COMMON SENSE. YES, WE ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN, BUT ARE WE TEACHING THEM WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? ARE WE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN BY EXAMPLE ABOUT LOVE, PEACE, FRIENDSHIPS, THAT WE ARE ALL EQUAL, THAT WE ALL DESERVE LOVE? ARE WE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE WISE? THE ONLY TRUE WAY TO TEACH IS BY EXAMPLE. PARENTS MUST BE LOVE. SOCIETY MUST BE LOVE, WE MUST SHOW LOVE.

JOEL ROBERT HARRIS

CHAPTER ONE

My Family

I come from a very large and very dysfunctional family. My family circumstances have had a significant impact on the course of my life. The story has unpleasant memories. But maybe, just maybe, it will better help you understand where I came from and why I made some of the decisions, I have made in my life, especially the ones that lead me to Peru and back to spirituality and ultimately God/Spirit again.

Strange when we realize just how simple our lives once were as children. Even all the dysfunction pales in comparison with the evolution of our journey through life. Never give up! Never give in! I hope you, my readers, understand that although my memories of childhood may seem irrelevant to you, they explain how I became who I am today!

All our stories are unique and should never be compared to another individual’s personal history. I think all of us experience different things, and in no way, do they compare in degrees of better or worse. These memories are from my perspective and are not to hurt my family in any way. There is no such thing as a perfect family in this world. I share it so that people who read it may learn from my lessons, and may perhaps avoid some of the negative situations and pitfalls I have faced.

When my father met my mother, he brought into that relationship three children from a previous marriage. Together they had four more children before their relationship fell apart and he left the family. Later, he came back and they had the last member of our family, my brother Steven. Steven spent most of his life in quest of acceptance from my father. My father always denied paternity of his son. This was a huge and painful issue for Steven. He was denied this until his death.

ONE OF THE GREATEST DISEASES IS TO BE NOBODY TO ANYBODY.

MOTHER TERESA

My brother Steven and my cousin Mark were out driving with their girlfriends. They collided with a transport truck. All of them were killed except one of the girls. Steven had just graduated high school. My father showed up at my brother’s funeral crying and grieving, yelling, Oh my son, my son repeatedly. He recognized my brother as his son in death. At the time, it brought great discomfort to the family. He was escorted out of the funeral home by my Uncle Tom who swore profusely at him. That was the only time I ever heard my Uncle Tom use that sort of language.

The question of Steven’s paternity had been a bone of contention in my family. For my mother and father to conceive my brother, my father would have had to commit adultery, because he was newly married to another woman. When I look at pictures of my half-brothers, there is a striking resemblance between them, Steven and my father. In my opinion, Steven is my father’s son. My father denied Stevens’s paternity only to protect his third family. I do not think either my mother or my father put their best efforts into their marriage. I have no doubt that my father loved his third wife very much. He had, however, been a womanizer in his younger days. The thought of him having sex with my mother, even after their divorce and his new marriage, was not that far-fetched.

As I grew up, my sister Teresa and I were frequently passed back and forth between families. I guess it is no wonder why I became my ex-husband Douglas’s Rag Doll. I started out as one! We would sometimes live with my father and sometimes with my mother. Perhaps because of our closeness in age, Teresa would always accompany me. She was just a year older than me. We spent a lot of time on Greyhound buses and attended many different schools. My education never got much attention. I can not recall anyone ever helping me with homework or even telling me I should do it. Even though I won a couple of awards in school, no one from my family ever attended the ceremonies. I am not sure when I ever heard the word, congratulations. I excelled at track and field, and had a great interest in gymnastics. None of that was nourished. I have no recollection of any family member being present at any events to show support. It would have been nice if they had at least pretended that they had interest in something I did!

Because of the lack of attention/stimulation as a child, I just gave up. I am not sure what ever happened to all my ribbons and my trophies. I didn’t blame anyone for this neglect as a child. I just accepted it. It would have been nice to see a smile on their faces over just one achievement.

By the time a