The Nervous Prince and Other Stories

By Michael Bryan Kerr

So what was Cinderella’s prince really like? Was Red Riding Hood rescued by a woodsman, or not? Was Jack’s beanstalk genetically modified? Why were Hansel and Gretel so motivated to wander into the dark woods? And who styled Rapunzel’s hair? These updated versions of popular folk and fairy tales answer all these burning questions and more, all the while giving the parents – frequently compelled to read stories to their children over and over – some amusement as well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Bryan Kerr
• Release date: Feb 5, 2017
• ISBN: 9780995849419

Michael Bryan Kerr

From an early age, Michael Bryan Kerr imagined himself as a writer. He has been a member of the Shoreline Writers’ Society for many years, during which time he has experimented with various forms and styles, and played with the novel form. A number of his stories have been published in chapbook anthologies. While studying at UBC’s School of Library and Information Science, a chance assignment in a children’s storytelling class led to an early version of the title story of this collection. “The Nervous Prince” was a finalist in the North Shore Writers’ Association 2015 short fiction contest; the remaining stories just happened along, wanting to be part of the fun. Michael Bryan Kerr is a librarian at the North Vancouver City Library.

Book preview

The Nervous Prince

and other stories

by Michael B. Kerr

Copyright © 2017, 2018 by Michael Kerr All Rights Reserved

Second Edition

Published by Scrivo Creative, North Vancouver, BC Canada

at Smashwords

Publisher's Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

ISBN: 978-0-9958494-1-9

Cover design by Fred Braches

Cover design based on a drawing by Sarah Blevins

Table of Contents

The Nervous Prince

Hans and Greta

Jack and the Satanmo Beanstalk

Harold, Prince of Hairstyling

Sleeping Rudy

Red

Cole Black and the Seven Seamstresses

Pino / Kio

Acknowledgements

About the Author

The Nervous Prince

ONCE UPON A TIME, in a land not so terribly far away, a nervous prince lived in a castle with his dad and mom—who were (of course) the king and queen.

Even though the prince had a happy childhood, he was nervous about many things. For example, when it came time for him to go to school, he was so, so anxious about what the other princes and princesses would think about him. He was also pretty worried about the amount of work he would have to do, and he was in a near panic that his clothes were all wrong for school.

But he knew he had to face his fears – so he counted to three:

One

Two

Three,

And he took a deep breath:

In

Out,

And he bravely made his way.

The prince worked hard in school, and he did very well. His dad and mom were really proud.

Time passed, as it always does. When he finally graduated from His Highness High, he was accepted to Princeton University. He was awfully nervous about going to a big big school in another country, so he counted to three:

One

Two

Three,

And he took a deep breath:

In

Out,

And off he went.

The prince worked extra hard at university and got a Bachelor’s degree in Princing. He stayed at the university and got his Master’s of Princing, Prancing, and Foreign Relations. He wrote a thesis called The Principles of Princemanship; his mom and dad were very proud.

It was about this time that he started talking about doing even more school and getting his PhD, but when his father, the king, heard about this he put his foot down.

Twenty years of school is enough! he said. It’s time you learned to run the kingdom, because I want to retire. He tapped his chin three times. We need to figure out a way to get you into the public eye, so the people can get to know their future king.

The prince’s eyes widened.

The king went on, Now what would be the best way to bring you to everyone’s attention? He tapped his chin three more times, and stared at the ceiling.

Suddenly he smiled at the prince. I know, he said. We’ll get you married off. Everyone loves a royal wedding. You’ll be in all the newspapers and even maybe even on TV.

All this talk was making the prince extra, extra nervous, but the king didn’t even notice. He tapped his chin again. I’ll give you three choices, he said. You can marry the Princess of Prince George, the Princess of Prince Rupert, or you can marry the lady of your choice, provided she’s nice and your mother approves of her.

The prince was now shaking with nervousness. He opened his mouth to reply but no words came out. He tried again, but the power of speech had deserted him completely. So he counted to three:

One

Two

Three,

And he took a deep breath:

In

Out.

From his school days, the prince knew the first two ladies the king had mentioned. One of them was suspected of cheating on her exams, and the other was already in love with the Prince of Barnston Island. So, in a trembling voice, he said: I’ll t-take option number thr-three.

Splendid, the king said. We’ll have a huge banquet, and we’ll invite all the single ladies of the kingdom. You should be able to find someone suitable there.

There was a great blur of activity—for the king was very energetic—and before the prince could get properly worked up, the day of the great banquet arrived.

Wearing his very best suit, the prince was taken to the banqueting hall by his squire, who led him to a seat at the very centre of the head table. It was a super long table with all the important people of the kingdom arrayed out on each side of him.

No sooner had the prince sat down, than two ladies rushed up. One of them sat directly across from him.

Hello, she said. She gave him the biggest smile you can imagine, showing all of her teeth. The prince was reminded of a nature program he’d once seen on TV narrated by David Attenborough. He clutched the edge of his chair.

I’m Miss Rella, she said, but you can call me Barb. I’ve read your thesis and I think you’re ever so clever. Almost as clever as me. She lowered her voice to a near whisper, I think you should know, that I would make an ideal queen. She gave him her enormous smile again.

The prince knew he had to respond. It wouldn’t be polite not to speak when spoken to in this setting. So he opened his mouth, but he was so nervous, that no words came out.

He tried it again, but when he opened his mouth there were still no words. The prince decided he would have to count to three, but just as he opened his mouth to do so, the second lady pushed the first out of her chair and sat across from him.

Hello, she said and leaned forward. I’m the younger Miss Rella, but you can call me Amber. She leaned even further forward and the prince leaned back in his chair. I know all about foreign relations, she went on, and I speak seventeen languages. She leaned even further forward and was now almost across the table. I think you should know that I would make an ideal queen.

The prince was leaning so far back in his chair by this time, that the front two legs were off the ground. He opened his mouth to reply—for he was nothing if not polite—but no words came out.

He tried it again, but he was so nervous that there were just no words at all. Again, he decided he must count to three in order to get control of his nervousness, but just as he was about to begin, the entire room went—totally—silent.

Everyone was staring at the entrance.

The prince peered around the younger Miss Rella, and there, backlit in the doorway, was a beautiful lady. Her dress shimmered and shimmered, and her shoes sparkled and sparkled.

The prince’s jaw dropped open. He turned to his squire, and whispered: You have to introduce me to that beautiful lady.

It was the work of an instant. The squire moved the Rella sisters along, and brought the beautiful lady over to where the prince sat.

The prince opened his mouth to say hello, but if possible, he was even more nervous than before, and no words came out. Plus he was now having trouble breathing.

But as he blinked and gaped, he noticed something amazing. The lady across from him also seemed nervous.

She took a deep breath:

In

Out,

And her lips silently formed the words:

One

Two

Three.

Hello, the prince said. And that single word put them both at ease. It turned out she was very easy to talk to. They had so much in common—they both liked avocados, Nintendo, and movies that featured Drew Barrymore. The prince found that talking to her was so enjoyable, that he kind of neglected the other guests.

They were just chatting about the magical combination of avocados, shrimp and lime juice, when the prince’s mother, the queen, interrupted.

Excuse me dahling, she said. I just thought you should know, it’s almost midnight and your father is going to make his speech.

Midnight! The beautiful lady said. She leapt to her feet, dropped her glass of Prosecco, and turned for the door just as the clock began to strike.

One

Two

Three – she broke into a run,

Four

Five

Six – the beautiful lady stumbled, lost a shoe, and carried on out the door,

Seven

Eight

Nine – the prince finally realized what was happening, He jumped to his feet and ran after her,

Ten

Eleven

Twelve – the prince cleared the end of the very long head table and ran for the door.

When he got there, he rushed out into the night but all he found was a pumpkin, some rats, a mouse and a lizard. A beggar in rags was just turning the corner.

Dejected, the prince went back into the banquet hall and picked up the shoe. It was extraordinary. It glimmered in the light because it was made of glass.

The very next day, the prince began going from village to village, inviting all the ladies he could find to try on the shoe. But wriggle and twist as they might, none of them could get the shoe to fit.

The prince became so absorbed in his quest that he forgot to be so nervous, and soon the people became quite fond of him, even if he was a little bit odd and seemed to have an obsession with footwear.

Weeks and weeks went by, but still the prince didn’t give up. Finally, he came to the Rella household.

As soon as he came in, the elder Miss Rella rushed forward. Hello, she said. She gave him her enormous and frightening grin. Remember me?

Before the prince could say anything, she kicked off her Manolo Blahnik and thrust out her foot.

But wriggle and twist as she might, she could not get the shoe to fit.

Just then, her younger sister came up and pushed her out of the way. Hello, hola, bonjour, ciao, buongiorno, kumusta, zdravo, she said. She kicked off her Jimmy Choo and leaned her foot forward, pointing her toe. But wriggle and twist as she might, she could not get the shoe on her foot.

Are there any other ladies at this address? the prince asked. He was beginning to get a bit discouraged.

Just our dowdy step-sister, came the reply.

And out of the shadows, a lady in rags stepped forward. Before she did anything else, she took a deep breath:

In

Out.

And her lips silently formed the words:

One

Two

Three.

She held out her foot – and the rest is history.

It turned out that her name was Cindy. When the time came, she and the prince became an excellent king and queen. They were kind and considerate, and as long as they lived, they helped each other not be so nervous any more.

Hans and Greta

ONCE UPON A TIME, in a village at the edge of the dark forest, a father was raising his two children all by himself. It was a struggle, but the three of them were happy, even if they only realized this later. The father worked long hours and had trouble keeping up with the children and their needs but he was fortunate in that a plump old lady across the street was only too pleased to help out.

The old woman never had children of her own and she loved the youngsters—a boy named Hans and a girl named Greta—whom she tended to spoil. The kids would come to her little rented bungalow every day after school and play there until their father got home. The old lady would always greet them with a delicious carbohydrate treat: sticky