WARNING! Fairy Tales

By Robert Thier

DISCLAIMER: Wicked Witches Inc. and Evil Stepmother Enterprises are not responsible for any maiming, mass murder or permanent insanity resulting from the reading of this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robert Thier
• Release date: Dec 8, 2017
• ISBN: 9783962601638

Robert Thier

Robert Thier is a German Historian and writer of Historical Fiction. His particular mix of history, romance and adventure, always with a good deal of humor thrown in, has gained him a diverse readership ranging from teenagers to retired grandmothers. For the way he manages to make history come alive, as if he himself had lived as a medieval knight, his fans all over the world have given him the nickname “Sir Rob”.For him, Robert says, becoming a writer has followed naturally from his interest in history. “In Germany,” he says, “we use the same word for story and history. And I've always loved the one as much as the other. Becoming a storyteller, a writer, is what I've always wanted.”Besides writing and researching in dusty old archives, on the lookout for a mystery to put into his next story, Robert enjoys classical music and long walks in the country. The helmet you see on the picture he does not wear because he is a cycling enthusiast, but to protect his literary skull in which a bone has been missing from birth. Robert lives in the south of Germany in a small village between the three Emperor's Mountains.

Book preview

WARNING!

Fairy Tales

By Robert Thier

Copyright © 2016 Robert Thier

All rights reserved.

Distributed by Smashwords

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Table of Contents

The Fishy Little Mermaid

Crunchy Brats

Tails of Sins

The Enchanted Prince and the Enchanting Girl

Coal Black and the Seven Dwarves

Golden Girl and Firebreath

Wicked Weddings

The White Bride and the Black Pride

The Magician’s Apprentice

Big Brother and Little Sister

The Little Typo’s Tale

Afterword: Welcome to Fairyland, the Paradise of Cannibals and Big Bad Wolves

Dedication

About the Author

Other Books by Robert Thier

Upcoming Titles

The Fishy Little Mermaid

Long, long ago, in an enchanted kingdom very far away, there lived a handsome prince. And in that kingdom, there also lived a first minister, whose job was to run the kingdom and who was fed up to here with the handsome prince.

Your Highness, he sighed, taking a deep breath and bowing in front of the prince, who was just sitting down to an opulent breakfast. I must once more strongly convey my severe dissatisfaction with your lack of interest in initiating a matrimonial arrangement.

The prince nodded gravely, for he was a good prince and always lent an ear to his wise first minister. Thus, he spoke, Okay…can you say that again, maybe so that I can actually understand what you’re talking about?

I want you to get off your ass and get married!

Once again, the prince nodded gravely. For he was a good prince and very talented at nodding gravely.

I see. And why exactly?

Because, Your Highness, considering the recent demise of your forbearers, the populace might suffer from increasing anxiety due to your lack of issue.

English, please.

The people are worried because your parents kicked the bucket and you have no heir yet!

Ah, I see.

This was indeed a mighty problem that had weighed on the minister’s mind for a long, long time. Since he was such a wise man, filled with knowledge of both the heart and mind, he approached it with his customary, unparalleled tact.

I mean, honestly! What is the problem? he demanded. There are over one million, five hundred seventy-one thousand three hundred and forty-five women in this enchanted kingdom! Five thousand more if you count the ones that have been turned into deer and various kinds of frogs. It shouldn’t be too hard to get one of them knocked up, and, after that, it’ll be easy-peasy! I mean, what girl wouldn’t want to marry a prince? The I-want-to-marry-a-prince instinct is practically tattooed on female brains!

You think so?

I know so! There was a poll on that only last week! Look!

Withdrawing a brightly colored publication from his robes of state, the minister held it up for the prince to examine. The prince did so with due diligence. Then he directed his princely gaze to the minister, raising a royal eyebrow.

You read teen magazines for girls?

The minister’s venerable face turned as red as the roses on a rose bush enchanted by an evil fairy godmother to be a particularly beautiful red.

That is beside the point! The point is, Your Highness, that you seem to be, as the young people would put it, a ‘hot commodity.’ I quote— Leafing through the magazine, he found the page he wanted. "OMG!!!! The prince is so freaking hot! Is the opinion of a young lady called Maggy from Fairywood. Whereas a young lady from Pixyburg declares that she is endlessly and eternally in love with him, and I know people say it is impossible, but someday I’m sure we will meet and he will fall in love with me on the spot. A young lady from Twinkle-Twinkle-by-the-Sea proclaims I want him! OMG!! I just want to rip his clothes off and…"

The minister cleared his throat, cutting off. As mentioned before, he was not only a very wise and venerable minister, but also a very tactful one.

What does ‘OMG’ mean? the prince inquired.

I believe it is some sort of acronym, Your Highness. I have put together a research team to discover what the letters stand for and will inform you as soon as we shall have any results. However, he cleared his throat once more, I believe it is clear that the young ladies are generally enthusiastic about you. Why not pick one of them?

The prince looked grave then, for he had terrible, terrible news to impart, and he did not know how to tell his wise and loyal minister. It also happened that the terrible, terrible news was enormously embarrassing.

Well… With royal discomfort, he shifted his crown on his handsome head. I don’t know how to say this, but…

Yes?

It may be a bit difficult for you to understand, but…

Yes? Yes?

Well, I…

"Yes?"

Straightening himself, the prince looked his advisor directly into the eye. He took a deep breath and began:

I have wanted to tell you this for a very, very long time. In the time since my parents died, you have become like a father to me, and I have always wanted you to know who I really am inside. I realize it is not the thing you would probably want for me. I realize that you might not understand, or that you might even be angry. But please understand that this is who I am. I was born this way and cannot help it. I could have kept it a secret from you forever, but I hate lying to you. I want you to accept me for the real me, not a façade I put up.

The minister was a very wise minister. But no matter how wise he was, he had no clue what to say to that.

You see, I am…I like… The prince was breathing heavily, as if he had run a long distance. Looking hurriedly from left to right, he leaned forward and whispered into the minister’s ear. The minister’s jaw dropped.

Your Highness—you can’t be serious!

The prince’s mouth twitched in a humorless smile. I’m afraid so.

"But…but…that’s just not possible! Girls have legs! All girls! There’s just no female on this earth who has a…a… Unable to say the word, he made a swishing movement in the air. There’s just no female on this earth who has that instead of legs!"

Well, I really hope there is, because otherwise I’m screwed.

"And you honestly find that, um…appealing?"

Yes.

What about the scales? The smell of seaweed? The…

The minister stopped when he saw the prince’s eyes becoming misty.

Ah… the prince sighed. My dream girl…

With a groan, the minister buried his face in his hands. Why couldn’t you have been bisexual like your dear father? Or at least gay!

• • • • •

Also long, long ago, in another enchanted kingdom—one considerably wetter, because it was situated underwater—lived a little mermaid. She was the child of Triton, King of the Sea, and the most beautiful of all his daughters. That didn’t say much, because she also happened to be the only one still alive, the others having been eaten by sharks long ago and not being in a condition to win a beauty contest, but still, it was something.

The little mermaid was a lively girl and intensely curious about everything around and above her.

Father, she said one day to the King while he was sitting in his throne room, on his golden throne with built-in hot tub. I am lonely in this big palace with only seaweed for company. May I go up to the surface and see the world?

No, the king replied with his customary loquaciousness.

Thank you for your time, father, the little mermaid said, bowed, and swam out of the throne room. And then, because she was a hard-headed little thing who never did what she was told, she swam straight up to the surface.

When she broke the surface, the first thing she saw was a mighty palace, standing upon something that looked somewhat like the bottom of the sea but, strangely, had no water on it.

This must be the place my mother told me of, the little mermaid said to herself. The place called ‘mainland,’ where people are dry, and where there are no sharks that eat your sisters, and where you don’t have to force down seaweed for breakfast every morning. What a wondrous place it must be.

Now, the little mermaid pondered what to do.

Oh, what the heck! she exclaimed. I’m not going to sit on my fins for the rest of my days! Let’s have an adventure!

And she ventured forth towards the mainland.

It just so happened that, at this very moment, the handsome prince was strolling along the cliffs beneath his palace. A romantically helpful gust of wind suddenly gripped him and threw him down, down into the sea, and he thought his days were numbered. But, actually, they were only being alphabetized.

Oh no! the little mermaid cried, seeing the lone figure fall from the cliff. He’s going to get wet! And he was so wonderfully dry before!

With a loud splash, the prince hit the waves and disappeared into the ocean. Diving down, the little mermaid managed to grab one flailing boot and pulled. The boot came off. Muttering a curse she had learned from a very nasty old sea snake, she dived down again and grabbed the young man around the waist, pulling him upwards until they broke the surface of the sea.

The moment they were up in the sunlight, the little mermaid’s eyes went wide. Diving down, she hadn’t really been able to stop to think or look. Now, for the first time, she realized that not only did the strange boy have legs instead of fins, but that the rest of him was most wondrously formed: strong arms, broad shoulders, and a bold, square-jawed face that was so handsome, she could have fainted on the spot. He was the most beautiful creature she had ever seen! Suddenly, the little mermaid became very aware that his body was pressing tightly against hers and that she was wearing nothing but the customary sea-shell bikini of all little mermaids.

The prince, for his part, was staring at the little mermaid just as awed. Your fins… he murmured, his eyes blazing. The seaweed in your hair…

The little mermaid turned her face away, ashamed. She knew she should have combed out her hair that morning!

You’re so beautiful!

Surprised, the little mermaid peeked up at him. What?

"You’re beautiful!