Frankly Fanny By Herself

By Thom Stanley

There is something here for everyone who has asked for help regarding love, marriage, sex, fidelity, friendship, and much more.This is the world's most comprehensive collection of answers to questions plaguing lovers, parents, siblings and friends regarding their most private issues.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thom Stanley
• Release date: Feb 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9780998446714

Thom Stanley

Thom Stanley published and contributed to the Sedona Excentric monthly paper for more than 25 years. The Sedona Excentric, The Slightly Sane Satire of Sedona, Arizona, the World and Beyond, was distributed throughout the Verde Valley of Arizona and sent to subscribers from around the world. After closing the hard copy division of the paper, Thom spent time writing music and gathering columns from the paper for his upcoming books. My Chupacabra Ate My Homework is his first literary offering with plans to publish more from the Sedona Excentric collection.

Book preview

FRANKLY FANNY

BY HERSELF

Thom Stanley

Copyright © 2016 by Thom Stanley

Excentric Ink, Inc.

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means - electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise - without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher at Attention: Permissions Coordinator, at the address above.

Cover artwork by Robert Schmierer

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Excentric Ink, Inc.

POB 843, Sedona, AZ 86339

All books are dedicated

to the world filled with people

who need to laugh.

All books are the result of my relationships throughout my life – with special Thanks to MJ Barnett, Morrie Horowitz, Sasha Cederlund, James Bishop Jr., Doug Rabbit Sutherland, Brendon Marks, William F. Jordan and the plethora of brilliant authors and writers who made remarkable contributions the 25+ years the Sedona Excentric was available in hard copy and those who contribute to this day online at ExcentricWorld.com.

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

About the Author

Chapter 1

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

At a recent bridge party, some of my friends and I were discussing the emasculation of John Wayne Bobbitt some years back. One of my friends, who hails from Virginia, told us that in that state until 1984, there could be no charges for marital rape. It seems the law there granted husbands rights to their wives’ bodies. This didn’t sit well with us. No wonder Lorena Bobbitt’s case didn’t hold up in court. Do you think his wife did the right thing?

Serious Doubter Stella

____ . ____

Dear Serious:

Virginia, like many other states, seems to be living in the Middle Ages. No man has rights to my body. I think Lorena, simply because of her lack of understanding of the English language, made a little boo-boo. In one of my columns, someone wrote asking me how to gain better control of her husband. I told her that in my marriages, whenever one of my husbands did something to irritate me, I simply cut ’em off.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

I have a common problem that many of my friends agree is a growing concern. My husband is a big couch potato. Every weekend he plops down in front of the boob tube and flicks the remote back and forth between whatever the sport of the moment may be. I have tried everything short of stripping to get his attention. I have no idea what to do. Can you suggest anything?

Hopeless Helen

____ . ____

Dear Hopeless:

I get this letter more often than you can imagine. If men stopped being glued to the TV each weekend, the American economy would collapse. Those sporting events affect the sales of beer, chips, dips, chicken wings, etc. to the extreme. The only commercials running during those times that relate to women are for lingerie and feminine hygiene products. Maybe your friends can meet you at an expensive restaurant while the games are showing.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

A friend of mine told me that you responded a few years ago to a problem like mine, but she couldn’t remember what your advice was. The problem is, my husband of 38 years has developed a gas problem and is embarrassing me by relieving himself in public. I try to watch his diet closely, but that doesn’t seem to help. Please tell me, what advice did you give before? What should I do?

Breath Taken Bertrice

____ . ____

Dear Breath:

Flatulence can be caused by a reaction to many different things – milk, eggs, beer, tomato products, even some fruits and vegetables. Since humans can’t live without eating, I’m afraid you’re going to have to tolerate your husband’s passing wind. However, there’s no reason for the rest of us to suffer. As I explained in the answer you’re inquiring about, please keep him out of the main post office, grocery store, and the theater when the attack begins. Outdoor events during high winds are highly recommended.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

My sister keeps knocking my boyfriend. I love her, because she’s my sister, but she’s really starting to bug me. What can I do to make her stop?

Seething Sibling Sonya

____ . ____

Dear Seething:

I had a similar problem with my sister and my second husband, only it was in reverse. He was constantly knocking my sister. At first, it didn’t bother me, but after a couple years, I figured out he was trying to keep my sister and I apart so we wouldn’t compare notes and tell each other what a lousy lover he was.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

Though this may be a question for Kozmic Korner by Lush Gumball, I thought, with your infinite wisdom, maybe you could answer it. My husband thinks he can channel famous dead people and has started rolling his eyes back and speaking in deep, funny voices at the dinner table. Am I to take him seriously, take him to a psychiatrist, or should I just ignore him?

Lost Lottie

____ . ____

Dear Lost:

One of my husbands channeled some famous political leader from some stupid war. When I asked him why he didn’t channel a common foot soldier, he said people back then didn’t listen to a common foot soldier and wouldn’t listen to him today. I personally think the reason my husband and others channel famous dead people is because we otherwise wouldn’t be giving them any attention at all.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

I found a magazine under the bed of my 12-year-old son, hidden among his comic books. I am thinking of sitting him down with my husband and having the talk. The problem is, I remember what a turn off it was when my parents had the talk with me. Kids are so smart these days, I don’t want us to come off as prudes, but he’s much too young for sex. Any ideas?

Troubled Teresa

____ . ____

Dear Troubled:

I remember the talk I had with my son from my third husband. If your husband is anywhere near as sexually inept as mine was, I would recommend having a talk with your son alone. Nothing is worse than having your son growing up thinking that all he has to do to satisfy his partner is climb aboard for a midnight cruise every now and then. When I left his father, I recall thinking so long sailor, that ship has sailed.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

Why is it that it seems that all the leaders of militant groups in the country are men? Even the leader of the anti-abortion group is a man. I think he should get a real job and leave women’s issues to women. What you think?

Feminist Friend Fred

____ . ____

Dear Feminist Friend:

I agree with you, Fred. I even heard that some of the leaders of NOW are falsely accused of wanting to be men. It could be a testosterone imbalance or, as one theorist puts it; it could be these men came from female dominated homes and actually fear the women in their life so much that they would do anything just to get out of the house.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

In regards to the question above; why is it that men do not want women going to combat? My husband says that he’s far more worried about me blowing up than any SCUD missile.

Tough Teresa

____ . ____

Dear Tough:

My fourth husband swore that had he faced me in combat when I was PMSing he would have gone AWOL. I guess old habits are hard to break. That’s probably why it took me so long to divorce him.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

With Hillary Clinton now being the politician in the family, are we to just dismiss the charges by Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey and who knows how many others that came forward implicating President Clinton in a plethora of sexcapades? Will Hillary now be entitled to her own affairs?

Equal Rights Ethel

____ . ____

Dear Equal:

There is a country song that states, if you mind your own business, then you will be mindin’ mine. I’m so busy these days trying to get a sex life of my own, there’s no time left think about anyone else’s – Hillary’s or Bill’s.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

I read where the Murphy Brown last episode was their 245th show. Someone told me it was the longest running television sitcom in history. Is that true? Man; that makes the Dan Quayle incident seem like yesterday.

Loyal Fan Loretta

____ . ____

Dear Loyal:

It is true. It was on longer than any other sitcom. Dan Quayle was last in the spotlight with his bid for the Republican nomination for the president in 1999. I’d love to hear his comments on same-sex marriage. Maybe he could get some tips from Newt Gingrich’s sister or Dick Cheney’s daughter.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

I heard a sweater has been made from the fleece of the cloned sheep Dolly, and is on display in the London Museum. How do you feel about the sheep cloning issue?

Knit Picking Noreen

____ . ____

Dear Knit Picking:

Itchy. I’m thinking if there could be a cloned sheep that can give wool that doesn’t make me itch, I’m all for it. I only hope they are not cloning farm animals for their own personal pleasure. My question is; how does wool from a sheep cloned by a Scottish scientist end up in a London Museum?

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

I have read in an Inside The News column by David Fidelman in a really old edition of the Sedona Excentric about a clone attempting to sue his host for emotional distress over being laughed at during sex. I laugh at my husband during sex all the time. Does that mean he could sue me for damages?

Chuckling Charlene

____ . ____

Dear Chuckling:

He could, but he probably feels the compromise worked out with your couples therapist that you would agree to try to stop piddling when you laugh or sneeze is as good as it’s going to get.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

I read your column for some nine years when the Sedona Excentric was out in hard copy and have noticed that you never seem to use any cursive language in your responses to your readers’ questions. Are you basically an even – tempered person or just refined and educated in the art of conversational etiquette?

Regular Reader

____ . ____

Dear Regular:

I’d love to respond to your letter, but I don’t have a damned clue as to what the hell you’re talking about.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

My parents are retired and living nearby in a facility set up to care for the elderly. I’d like to bring them home, but my husband thinks they would be too much of a burden on us and our three children. Is he being selfish or am I imposing an undue guilt upon myself?

Doubting Daughter

____ . ____

Dear Doubting:

I had a similar problem a few years back with my fifth husband, though children weren’t involved. I felt a lot better after I brought my parents home and put my husband in a facility set up to care for the stingy. Remember, grandparents make great sitters. If you can bring your folks home, they can sit with the children while you work and again while you play. And they will work for food.

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

What qualifications do you have to give people advice in your column?

Competitive Correspondent

____ . ____

Dear Competitive:

I’ve survived experiencing about everything you could ever dream of going through. Just to turn it around, what qualifies you to ask that question?

____ . ____

Dear Frankly:

My husband has to be the biggest baby on earth. He comes home from work and plops his big butt on the couch, demanding a beer, followed by