How to Deal With People Who Are ToXiC

By Lorna MacKinnon

The objective of this book is to inform you how to identify the toxic individuals that compromise and contaminate your life. It outlines strategies for communicating your concerns to them and then, if and when necessary, describes the process for ejecting them from your life, physically, psychologically, neurologically and emotionally.
Once you’ve done this, you free up vital energies for doing things that you want to do, and no longer need to pay any attention to them.
Comprehensive strategies are outlined for dealing with Toxics and eliminating them from your life. The issues of eradicating CyberToxics (the type that harass and stalk you via the Internet and various online devices) are explored in depth.
It’s also clear that a Toxic may leave some psychological baggage even when you have discharged them, so strategies for destroying any lingering toxic residue in your mind and brain are discussed. A working appreciation of neuroplasticity, the means by which you can destroy toxic neural networks within your brain whilst making positive, lasting cognitive change, is outlined.
Along the way, you’ll meet a number of characters or archetypes that illustrate the major points.
You’ll be introduced to Lupus and Fenris, the wolves of love and hate; badass mythopoeic metaphors for the more reserved and planning rational side of the brain, and the faster, less inhibited emotional forces that rush into action to mobilise you to fight or escape from dangerous situations. Nicki Narcissi, a somewhat odious individual, will demonstrate why Necrotic Narcissists are bad to be around; and more positively, you’ll thrill to the exploits of Visantaka, one of three fictional Toxic Terminators who have survived the Toxipocalypse. Sometimes it’s good to have a superhero batting for you.
Also addressed is the contentious issue of whether or not you should don your military fatigues, tool up with your metaphorical weapons of choice, marshal your resources and engage in trench warfare with your Toxic adversary.
Toxic family members and career or academic colleagues, the types you currently can’t escape being physically exposed to, are dissected. Sometimes clusters of Toxics confront you, and in this case, different techniques are required.
Once you are a Toxic-free zone, it’s important to ensure that you spend your time with supportive people and ensure that another Toxic does not sneak into your life. So this book discusses the matter of choosing the right friends, and working out when one may go rogue and turn toxic.
This is a large book of over 120,000 words. You might see it as ‘The Bumper Book of Toxics’. It can be dipped into, so you can focus on ideas of interest or pragmatism if you seek inspiration or concepts you can use quickly, or read from cover to cover if you require a more comprehensive view.
Although Toxics are rarely a laughing matter, a significant portion of this information is presented in a humorous light, which helps you to enjoy, remember and act. As is required by the subject matter, some of the tone is sardonic, satirical and pitch black. This can also put things into perspective and helps you remember that there is a world that is much richer and more interesting than many of us think.
This assists in putting the Toxic in their rightful place – permanently out of your life.
How to Deal With People Who Are ToXiC contains strong language and powerful imagery.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lorna MacKinnon
• Release date: Dec 22, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370949052

Lorna MacKinnon

Who is this Lorna MacKinnon and why should you care? Because she knows her stuff and everything she writes is about you, about your Sun sign and how you can understand all that you need to know about it. Know yourself as Socrates said, right? If you don't know yourself and what you want, how can you possibly be expected to get it? Your Sun sign is about eighty percent of your astrological profile. So if you can master your understanding of this and take the appropriate action to obtain your desires, only you know what you can achieve. Given this knowledge and how you apply it, you really can write the narrative of your own life. Work out your strengths and how to really maximise them. Understand your weaknesses and determine how to transform them into strengths. Make your perceived weakest link your strongest. Rewrite your past history and reshape your memories into things that are positive and empowering, so that everything really works out for you. Create a powerful, motivational self-fulfilling prophecy that encourages you to move forward, shaping events as opposed to being their slave, getting what you want instead of accepting what others think you should be content with. These books are about you, not about the author. The only 'writer's voice' you will hear is the one that informs, entertains and encourages you. It's now time to write your own script and act out the drama of your own life, not ones that you previously thought had been chosen for you. Predestination is passe and karma is callow, right? If you feel that this can spur you to think, strategize and act, then follow the blog, buy the books and take action. Become your best, who you really want to be. Nobody else will do it for you.

Book preview

How to Deal With People Who Are ToXiC

By L. F. MacKinnon

Copyright © 2016 by Lorna MacKinnon

All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be replicated, redistributed, or given away in any form without the prior written consent of the author/publisher or the terms relayed to you herein.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment without the advice of a physician. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature in your quest for well being. In the event that you use any of the information in the book for yourself, which is your right, the author and publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

As far as the flash fiction element of the book is concerned – that part of the book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction

-Sound Familiar?

-ToXiC Kryptonite

-Terminate the Toxicity in Your Life

-The Friend Ranking Quadrant

--The Value Equation

2. Twenty Traits that Show Someone is Toxic

--1. Abusive and Bullying

--2. Boring and Banal

--3. Cowardly

--4. Depressing

--5. Destructive

--6. Dishonest and Deceitful

--7. Emotional and Energy Vampires

--8. Guilt Inducing

--9. Hoovers

--10. Ignoble and Unprincipled

--11. Judgemental

--12. Malware

--13. Manipulative

--14. Martyrs

--15. Narcissistic and Needy

--16. Pity Party Junkies

--17. Self-destructive

--18. Solipsistic

--19. Undermining and Undesirable

--20. Victims

3. Toxic Taxonomy – The Noxious Nine

-The Toxic Wheel of Misfortune

-1. Necrotic Narcissists, Total Takers and Perennial Parasites

--Dealing with Necrotic Narcissists, Total Takers and Perennial Parasites

-2. Black Clouds, Foul Weather Friends, Professional Victims, Guilt Trippers

--Dealing With a Black Cloud

-3. Flagrant Fault Finders - Triple Fs

--Dealing With a Flagrant Fault Finder

-4. Desperate Dissers

--Dealing With a Desperate Disser

-5. Chronic Catastrophizers

--Dealing With a Chronic Catastrophizer

-6. Dream Destroyers

--Dealing With a Dream Destroyer

-7. Volatile Volcanoes

--Dealing With a Volatile Volcano

-8. Serial Saboteurs and Toxic Enablers

--Toxic Enablers

--Dealing With a Serial Saboteur

-9. Meta-Toxic

--Dealing With a Meta-Toxic

--Combat a Controlling Partner

4. Termination Strategies

-The Toxic Types Gamesheet

--How To Use the Toxic Types Gamesheet

--Analysis

-The Toxic Termination Process (TTP)

--Identification

--SWOT Analysis

--Negotiation (Optional)

--Stage One – Final Rites

--Stage Two – Burial

--Be Aware

-Four Additional Precautions

--Precaution 1 – Pre-emptive Strike

--Precaution 2 – Information Gathering

--Precaution 3 – Understanding

--Precaution 4 – Warning Shot

--Caveat

-The Four Ignoble Toxic Truths

-The Terminating Toxicity Diet

--1. Ingredients and Method

--2. Before

--3. After

-Toxic Termination + Ostracism = Retribution

--1. Obsessing about Revenge Mires You in the Past

--2. Ignoring the Toxic Hurts Them

-Rites of Toxic Passage

5. Toxicity – Face On, Face Off

-Five Ways to Manage a Toxic in the Workplace

--1. It’s Business

--2. Stick to the Point

--3. Don’t Share

--4. Don’t Spread

--5. Contain Them

-Do You Need to Know the Toxic’s Backstory?

-Toxicity and the Social Brain

-Age and Addiction

6. CyberToxic

-Eleven Ways to Deal with a CyberToxic

--1. Disengage

--2. Ignore

--3. Evidence

--4. Understand

--5. Assistance

--6. Detach

--7. Watch

--8. Strike

--9. Distance

--10. Gender

--11. Disbelieve

-Nine Technologies CyberToxics Exploit

--1. Blog

--2. Social

--3. Email

--4. Lockdown

--5. Legal

--6. Hack

--7. Reputation

--8. Troll

--9. Dox

7. NeuroToxic

-Pimp Your Brain – a Neuroplasticity Primer

--Brain Primer

--Use Your Mind to Drive Your Brain

-Four Ways to Pimp Your Brain

--1. Concentrate

--2. Act

--3. Master

--4. Practice

-Neurotransmitters

-Neural Genesis, Neural Apocalypse

-Brain Wave Frequencies

--1. Beta waves (14-40Hz)

--2. Alpha waves (7.5-14Hz)

--3. Theta waves (4-7.5Hz)

--4. Delta waves (0.5-4Hz)

--5. Gamma waves (above 40Hz)

-Two Hemispheres

-Four Brain Lobes

-The Triune Brain

--1. Reptilian Brain

--2. Limbic System (Fenris)

--3. Neocortex (Lupus)

-Fenris and Lupus – Emotion and Reason

-Toxicity and Your Brain

-Toxic Thinking

-Post-mortem Toxic Thoughts

-Pimp Your Brain – Executive Summary

8. Terminating Toxicity is All About Attitude

-The Terminating Toxicity Mindset Quadrant

--1. Think Assertively

--2. Equanimity

--3. Eudaimonia or Flourishing

--4. Act As If

-Four Additional Anti-Toxic Attitudes

--1. Smile

--2. Trifecta of Being

--3. Arête

--4. Pattern Interrupt

--The Toxic Negativity Bias

-Neuropleasure and Neuropain

--The Stockdale Paradox

-Optimist or Pessimist

--The Trinity of Toxic Pessimism

9. Six Meditation Techniques for Dealing with Toxics

-Meditation and the Brain

--1. Mindfulness

--2. Mantra

--3. Mudra

--4. Udayana

--5. Compassion Ninja

--6. Neurohack

10. How Toxic are You?

-Could Rumination be the Death of You?

-Twelve Ways to Stop Ruminating

--1. Distance

--2. Observe

--3. Default

--4. Ignore

--5. Calm Down

--6. Rumination Sucks

--7. Live Now

--8. Clarify

--9. Learn

--10. Define Yourself

--11. Meditate

--12. Quantum Shift

-How Catastrophizing can be Toxic

-Eight Reasons Catastrophizing is a Problem

--1. Illogical

--2. False Premise

--3. Your Fault

--4. Overthinking

--5. Distraction

--6. Unhealthy

--7. Addictive

--8. The Devil You Know

-Six Techniques to Curtail Catastrophizing

-1. Journal Relevant Thoughts

--Journal 1

--Comment 1

--Journal 2

--Comment 2

--Story Telling

-2. Cultivate Mindful Awareness

-3. Analyse and Play Scenarios to Gain Clarity

-4. The Premeditation of Evils

--Scenario 1 – Final Moments

--Scenario 2 – Imminent Departure

--Scenario 3 – Farewell Forever

-6. Lose Yourself

-7. The Context

-8. Dissecting the ‘Self’

-Catastrophizing and the Toxic

11. It Takes Two to Toxic

-Ten Types Who Attract Toxics

--1. Mouse

--2. Martyr

--3. Appeasing People Pleaser

--4. Rescuer

--5. Worthless

--6. Parent

--7. Defender

--8. Drama Diva

--9. Inquisitor

--10. Impulsive Over Sharer

-Man up to Toxic Manipulation

-Nine Ways to Deal with Toxic Discharge

--1. Anger and Hatred

--2. Retribution

--3. Detachment

--4. Indifference

--5. Contempt

--6. Humour

--7. Compassion

--8. Wipe the Slate

--9. With a Flamboyant Flourish

-What the Toxic Teaches You

12. Bonus Termination Techniques

-Seven Philosophical Approaches to Toxicity

--1. The Premeditation of Evils

--2. Some Things are Outside Your Control – Deal With It

--3. Fatalism

--4. Stoic Meditation

--5. Creative Ways of Handling Insults

--6. Maxims and Aphorisms

--7. Life as a Festival

-Ten Psychological Exercises to Confront Toxicity

--1. Embarrassment

--2. Aversion Therapy

--3. Mental Screen

--4. What’s Your Problem?

--5. Confront Death

--6. The Universe is Bigger than Anybody or Anything (Maybe)

--7. Want to Live Your Life Again?

--8. Lucid Dreaming

--9. Interviewing the Toxic and Method Acting

--10. Oblivious Desire

13. The Zen of Friendship

-Six Ways to Choose the Right Friends

--1. Be Selective

--1.1 Ten Criteria for Choosing People

--2. Friend Ranking Quadrant

--3. Train Your Friends

--4. Establish Relationship Boundaries

--5. How Many?

--6. Ending a Friendship

14. Life Imitates Art

--Toxipocalypse Now

15. Conclusion

16. After Hours

-Locked In – A Toxic Short Story

--Chapter One – Innocence

--Chapter Two – Experience

--Chapter Three – Triumph

About The Author

1. Introduction

"This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time."

— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

The mission of this book is to enable you to identify, deal with, and eliminate toxic individuals who add no value to your life and actively sabotage it.

You can read ‘How to Deal With People Who Are ToXiC’ as an instruction or combat manual, with a clear call to action. It draws on neuroscience, psychology, genetics, epigenetics, technology and philosophy, repurposing proven techniques to empower you to deal with toxic influences in your life.

A ToXiC is defined as someone who is continually and persistently bad for you to be around. They regularly manipulate and undermine you, taking great joy in your misery whilst pretending to be your friend. Their presence is pernicious and injurious to your psychological and physical wellbeing. They think they have an inalienable right to provoke, pry and interfere in whatever you do. ToXiCs delight in breaching any boundaries you have drawn in an attempt to deal with their unwanted presence or behaviour.

They do not respect you – not at all, no matter what they say or appear to do to convince you otherwise.

There is obviously a difference between a wilfully malignant toxic individual (hereafter referred to as a Toxic) and a person who temporarily exhibits toxic behaviour. Toxicity won’t be what the second person normally exhibits. They may be in a state of anger, depression, all-consuming despair or grief when they behave in a toxic manner, and will simply be expressing how they feel at that point in time in an uncensored and unmediated way.

Possessed by whatever is consuming them at that time, they will do things that normally they wouldn’t countenance. They won’t always use that behaviour in a purposeful and exploitative manner.

The Toxic, however, is characterised by a consistent and purposeful series of behaviours, all of which are designed to manipulate and degrade you. A normal individual will usually see the error of their toxic behaviour, often be mortified, and will invariably apologise and attempt to make things right with you.

A Toxic will do none of these things and will ‘get off’ on trying to manipulate you by whatever means they can, only ‘apologising’ if it’s part of their grand scheme to dominate you.

This book is practical and examines the realpolitik of dealing with a toxic context and/or a toxic individual. You can use it as a combat manual, where appropriate. It’s not about trying to be good, compassionate and doing the right thing for everyone, no matter how they treat you, especially when that doesn’t work out to be in your best interests. It’s about behaving and acting selectively, being focused and effective where you need to be.

Sometimes people need to be got out of your life for your own good, and inevitably, that may temporarily upset them. Better that than them continually hurting you.

Accordingly, this is not a ‘light and love’ treatise wherein the universe is assumed to be benign and always on your side. Some of the material addressed herein may raise your eyebrows or challenge your personality, beliefs and expectations.

Nor is this a book about ‘fixing’ the Toxic by trying to get them to modify their behaviour, or deal with ‘issues’ in their past that they use to justify their activities. Certain types of Toxic may even leaf through DSM - V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) to see what kind of conditions they might have to self-justify; or even suggest one or two new ones as they feel themselves so unique and fascinating and can’t wait to share with the world.

If the Toxic needs that kind of help and can’t sort themself out, there are plenty of specialists in all types of disciplines who might even see them as ‘an interesting and unique person’ or a ‘stimulating challenge’. They will be more than happy to take their money to do so and maybe make them the subject of their case notes or a popular psychology bestseller.

This is unlikely to be your area of expertise, and in any case, your priority is cleansing the Toxic from your life.

You have been warned. If you are happy to proceed and get rid of the Toxic, climb aboard and fasten your seatbelt.

Sound Familiar?

Have you received a phone call and got that sixth sense that the person on the other end of the line is someone you would prefer not to have in your life? Do you let the phone ring or grudgingly, out of a sense of misplaced duty and being sociable, answer the caller? Then collapse into a profanity spewing jelly the moment the call has ended?

Your Toxic is winning. You answered their call despite your reservations and now you’re suffering the consequences.

Ever been in that situation when you’ve been contentedly breezing along the pavement, smiling away or whistling merrily, all being right with the world? Then you notice someone in the distance who makes your heart spiral into the gutter; so potentially dancing with death, you cross the busy road to avoid them.

Once again the Toxic wins. They’ve got to the point where they’re controlling your behaviour even though you’ve avoided their physical presence. It’s gone beyond the stage of not wanting to meet them – now you can’t even tolerate the anticipation of meeting them.

Walking into work, are you filled with a sense of impending menace and negativity as you worry about the effects your bullying boss or corrosive co-workers are having on you? Is insomnia now your norm, as you dread the poisonous workplace environment that dominates most of your waking hours? Waking up with your stomach in knots and a feeling of nausea and despair, perhaps you sometimes call in sick just to avoid them.

Do you ever receive an email and decide not to open it, as you just oh-so-do-not want to read the stream of banal, pedestrian and predictable vitriol? You are under the influence of a CyberToxic, who thinks they can attack you anytime, anyplace, and anywhere.

When you log onto your social networking sites, do you detect that a certain individual has been grubbing around, trying to find out as much about you as they can, so they can use this information to threaten or manipulate you later? Do they have a blog and do you ever check in to see what lies they are spreading about you just for malice, or to big them up; or how they are publically emoting about you because of some perceived relationship that only exists in their mind?

At Christmas, are you filled with dread and nausea as you receive the inevitable invitation to the annual family bash, where you know retribution, argument and bad feelings are the order of the day as the alcohol flows and everyone, inhibitions long evaporated, decides to tell the rest of family what they really think about you?

Do you attend these festive events because it’s expected of you and you want to stake your claim to your inheritance, or because you genuinely enjoy pressing the flesh with your corrosive kith and kin?

Perhaps the thought of someone who adds no value to your life makes you realise how obnoxious and vile their behaviour can be and that you’ll tolerate no more of it.

You are now reaching the turning point, the point of no return.

The only ingredient missing is you taking action.

ToXiC Kryptonite

"We can experience nothing but the present moment, live in no other second of time, and to understand this is as close as we can get to eternal life."

– P.D. James, The Children of Men

Welcome to the world of the toxic individual, someone who you would prefer to avoid at all costs as they drain your energy and potentially make you feel awful about yourself. This may or may not be their intention. That’s not the issue here, as their motivation is irrelevant when all that matters is the final outcome – the negative effect they continue to have on you.

A toxic person is a cancer of the soul that metastases the longer you allow them to remain in your life.

Sometimes they can progress rapidly from simply being background noise level irritation to demoralising harassment and stalking, both of which are criminal activities in many jurisdictions. The longer you let them get away with their behaviour, the more intense it becomes and the more difficult it is to get rid of them. The danger exists so you need to act quickly and decisively.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Bad things can happen to good people and exposure to a Toxic is a salutary example. That this has taken place is not necessarily your fault or any reflection on your character. It’s just something that has happened and, like any disease that can get worse, has to be dealt with in a forthright and effective manner.

This extensively researched book will assist you with identifying, targeting, dealing with and ultimately getting rid of whichever of the Noxious Nine Toxic Types is plaguing your life.

You’ll learn about the Necrotic Narcissist, whose insistence on their own importance at the expense of yours can wear you down, leaving you demoralised and disempowered by their continually wailing ‘me, me, me’ at the expense of ‘you’ mantra.

You’ll encounter the Dream Destroyer, who can’t wait to tell you why anything you try to achieve will end in the ashes of failure and that it will all be your fault. The Black Cloud will be dragged into the light, the type of Toxic who’ll spend all their time and energy leaching the life out of you, enshrouding you in their own misery and depression, never being happier than when you are down and demoralised.

Which leaves six more Toxic Types for you to explore.

These people could be your colleagues, bosses and fellow students, past friends, acquaintances, and ex-lovers, even members of your family. Or simply someone you’ve recently met who's already crossing all of your boundaries and giving you that icky feeling of impending unpleasantness.

You may not even have met them. They could turn out to be someone several thousand miles away who’s been watching your every move on a social networking site, and taken exception to something about you. You may have expressed an opinion on Twitter that outrages someone’s precious sensibilities, who then tries to raise a storm of aggressive abuse against you.

The common denominator is how they make you feel and if you really want their presence in your existence to continue. Remember, it’s your life and it’s getting shorter by the second. It’s your choice who you allow into it, and also who you don’t want, if they provide no pleasure or support and undermine your wellbeing.

Being your ‘friend’ is not a basic human right – it’s something you extend to those who deserve it. Toxics will sometimes try to justify their behaviour by getting emotionally incontinent and gushing about having their ‘needs met’ or ‘avoiding getting upset’. Well, your needs are paramount and they are best served by getting this toxic influence out of your life for good.

When people persistently and deliberately step over the line and become Toxic, you realise that you owe them no duty of care whatsoever, no matter what manipulative entreaties and behaviour they come up with. They’ll try anything they can to stay in your life, from low level manipulation sometimes accompanied by psychological or physical threats, to trying to get your friends or family on message, thereby tainting existing relationships with their neediness and attempts to make you feel guilty.

So do you want to waste any more time on toxic individuals? Maybe you should consider adopting a different and much more proactive strategy.

Why wait and passively surrender control to them? Negotiate with them – make them understand the error of their ways and how they should change their behaviour. Clearly and dispassionately, outline the consequences if they fail to act on this. If that possibility is exhausted, just root them out and eliminate them from your circle of people. They’ve been given their chance and haven’t lived up to their commitment.

Now it’s time for you to deliver on your promise.

The objective of this book is to inform you how to identify the toxic individuals that compromise and contaminate your life. It outlines strategies for communicating your concerns to them and then, if and when necessary, describes the process for ejecting them from your life, physically, psychologically, neurologically and emotionally.

Once you’ve done this, you free up vital energies for doing things that you want to do, and no longer need to pay any attention to them.

Comprehensive strategies are outlined for dealing with Toxics and eliminating them from your life. The issues of eradicating CyberToxics (the type that harass and stalk you via the Internet and various online devices) are explored in depth.

It’s also clear that a Toxic may leave some psychological baggage even when you have discharged them, so strategies for destroying any lingering toxic residue in your mind and brain are discussed. A working appreciation of neuroplasticity, the means by which you can destroy toxic neural networks within your brain whilst making positive, lasting cognitive change, is outlined.

Along the way, you’ll meet a number of characters or archetypes that illustrate the major points.

You’ll be introduced to Lupus and Fenris, the wolves of love and hate; badass mythopoeic metaphors for the more reserved and planning rational side of the brain, and the faster, less inhibited emotional forces that rush into action to mobilise you to fight or escape from dangerous situations. Nicki Narcissi, a somewhat odious individual, will demonstrate why Necrotic Narcissists are bad to be around; and more positively, you’ll thrill to the exploits of Visantaka, one of three fictional Toxic Terminators who have survived the Toxipocalypse. Sometimes it’s good to have a superhero batting for you.

Also addressed is the contentious issue of whether or not you should don your military fatigues, tool up with your metaphorical weapons of choice, marshal your resources and engage in trench warfare with your Toxic adversary.

Toxic family members and career or academic colleagues, the types you currently can’t escape being physically exposed to, are dissected. Sometimes clusters of Toxics confront you, and in this case, different techniques are required.

Once you are a Toxic-free zone, it’s important to ensure that you spend your time with supportive people and ensure that another Toxic does not sneak into your life. So this book discusses the matter of choosing the right friends, and working out when one may go rogue and turn toxic.

This is a large book of over 120,000 words. You might see it as ‘The Bumper Book of Toxics’. It can be dipped into, so you can focus on ideas of interest or pragmatism if you seek inspiration or concepts you can use quickly, or read from cover to cover if you require a more comprehensive view.

Although Toxics are rarely a laughing matter, a significant portion of this information is presented in a humorous light, which helps you to enjoy, remember and act. As is required by the subject matter, some of the tone is sardonic, satirical and pitch black. This can also put things into perspective and helps you remember that there is a world that is much richer and more interesting than many of us think.

This assists in putting the Toxic in their rightful place – permanently out of your life.

Terminate the Toxicity in Your Life

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

– Steve Jobs, Stanford Lecture

Your life is getting shorter by the second and you can’t afford to let it be hijacked by toxic people. Your mission therefore is to identify and eliminate them from your life.

A pragmatic and motivating starting point is to do a people audit and work out whom you really like and whoever makes your heart sink when you think about them. List your family; then your friends and acquaintances, and divide them into the following:

Must have – currently indispensable, you don’t want to be without them.

Nice to know – add some value, but you can live without them.

Neutral – people whom you regularly meet but have yet to form an opinion of.

Toxic – those who are so bad for you to be around that you’ve got to jettison them.

Obviously different strategies will be necessary for each type, but this exercise makes you think about your relationships in a very focussed way.

Be brutally honest and realistic about this. This is your life, right?

Make your hit list of the Toxics and be unambiguous. If you have any doubts, remember the negative impact they have on you, and that once you are rid of them, the Toxics will soon find others to abuse or to join their pity party.

They become the monkey on someone else’s back, but no longer yours.

If that thought inspires and excites you, creating a wonderful heart-warming sense of relief and blissful joy, you know what you have to do. Also you will be assisting the Toxic to find more interesting and fulfilling things to do rather than spend all their time annoying you.

A win-win situation for all, do you not agree?

Consider using the Friend Ranking Quadrant (FRQ) to obtain a realistic appraisal of your friends and acquaintances.

The Friend Ranking Quadrant

You’ll soon see who adds value to your life – awesome friends who are always there for you who bring joy into your life and who you always look forward to seeing. And as a corollary, those who detract value – even thinking about them creates a metaphorical dark negative cloud over your head.

Closely consider the people in your life and work out where they fit in the quadrant. This adds clarity when done with honesty and the Toxic box on the lower right hand side forms your hit list.

"If you want a golden rule that will fit everything, this is it: have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.2

— William Morris

William Morris, the touchstone of eloquence on matters of interior design and the art of living also offers a marvellous philosophy to apply to the people in your life. Where do they stand in terms of adding value, being useful, beautiful or just life enhancingly amazing to be around?

So you’ve worked out your best friends, people you really care about and so on. Then there’s the people you are happy to hang out with but are not too close to, and then there are those whom you tolerate or are indifferent to.

Now, what’s left at the end of this process of distillation? Your Toxic hit list, that’s what. Consider these people and how they make you feel. If there is no ambiguity about their constant negative impact, they’re the ones you need to eliminate from your life.

There is a growing trend towards minimalism, decluttering and simplifying things (the US tiny house movement is a fascinating and sustainable example of this). People are beginning to see the benefits of cutting cost and clutter and stripping their life down to a selection of well-chosen high quality essentials that add and enhance value.

"The things you used to own, now they own you."

— Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Remember, the more possessions you have, the more they own you. You need to pay for their acquisition, upkeep, maintenance, space to keep them in, insurance and so on. Then you worry if they get stolen or damaged or, in the case of ‘investments’, lose value. If you are into Buddhism, you might view this as a salutary example of the Second Noble Truth – that suffering is caused by craving, attachment and ignorance.

Psychologists call this ‘hedonic adaptation’. The more you have, the more you want, then you become more dissatisfied with what you already have, creating a vicious circle.

The Value Equation

Let’s say you become the executor of the estate of someone who has unfortunately recently died.

Your job, if you accept the role, and it does have very clear legal responsibilities, is to administer the estate, work out its value, pay the tax authorities what they are legally due, sell the property, unless there are specific provisions; and then divide the proceeds of what remains after various obligations and the settlement of any debts to the legatees.

It’s also possible that you will be dealing with teary eyed grief stricken relatives, so you may be expected so provide some comfort and support in their hour of tragedy, whilst subtly ensuring that nobody waltzes off with the family silver, that supposedly was ‘promised’ to them verbally.

Unless the dearly departed was especially wealthy and had a fine eye as a collector, you’ll most likely find that many of their possessions have little, if any, monetary value. There may, of course, be sentimental value, but this is not financially quantifiable, which is what the process of probate is all about determining. Probate has to be granted before those named in the will can benefit.

The deceased may have spent hundreds of thousands on home furnishings that now look quite archaic and are not to the current taste. They may have an extensive collection of items that obviously appealed to them, but have little or no financial value on today’s market. When you have to clear the house in order to put it on the market, you may be surprised to find that you, or the estate, have to pay to have many of the items taken away.

Not all charities will accept the entire contents of a house (for example, certain pieces of furniture such as foam based settees may be considered dangerous and inflammable and have no resale value).

The mattress that the dribbling deceased expired on might not have people queuing up to take it off your hands.

You may not even be able to give things away (tastes change, after all). EBay’s army of highly motivated consumers may not want to bid on them at any price, and your attempts at garage sales still leave you with too many items. Time is running out so you decide to pay for house clearance. You can claim the money back from the estate as you are fulfilling your role as the executor. You’ll also need to ensure the property is adequately insured, and many insurers don’t like insuring empty houses, (empty meaning unoccupied by a living, breathing person, in this instance).

Any real estate agent will tell you that, when prepping a house for sale, you need to have it empty of junk and clutter – though it may be beneficial to lightly ‘dress’ the house tastefully with more contemporary furnishings (you can rent these for as long as it takes) so the potential buyer can visualise what it might be like to live there.

So eventually, after several truck or skip fulls and a wallet significantly lighter, you are left with the empty property and possibly a slightly sour feeling that so much stuff that people buy becomes worthless the second they purchase it.

Now, this is the way it is, you sagely reflect, and manufacturing and retailing stuff keeps the economy going and thus the way of life to which we have become accustomed. You might also think, as you sip a well-earned glass of wine later, that there’s a deeper lesson, and one that can be applied to people you know.

Not all things are of equal value no matter how much sentiment someone invests in them. It’s no surprise that minimalism is in vogue – the argument is that you only need so much, so you might as well go for the very best thing that suits the purpose. It clearly helps if it’s attractive and well designed, and you might also demand a top-flight brand with a decent warranty.

Why go downmarket on something that you will rely on for several years? The same goes for people in your life. Are the high maintenance and unpleasant ones really worth the investment in time, energy and emotional commitment? Does the Toxic really deserve a place in your life?

No matter where or what, there are makers, takers, and fakers.

— Robert Heinlein

This illuminating quote from one of the masters of Science Fiction can also be used to help assess people you know and grade their levels of value or toxicity. The value that people add to your life can be positive or negative. Think about whom you know and work out which of the three they are. Do they take more than they give, are they false to you, or do they make your life a pleasure to experience?

Are there any overlaps? Imagine this as a Venn diagram. Most people will have a mixture of these traits in varying proportions.

In fact, which are you?

2. Twenty Traits that Show Someone is Toxic

"I’ve learned that people will forgive what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

– Maya Angelou

Toxic people will exhibit a few or a substantial mixture of the following traits. It’s very likely that you can add many additional descriptors, based on your personal experience and observation of Toxics you have met and known, but these are some of the signifiers to look out for. Most toxic types will incorporate several of these characteristics in varying percentages.

If you really luck out, you’ll get one who is an unholy and unprecedented cocktail of all of them, a self-perfected priest or priestess of the art of toxicity, the baneful and baleful anti-Buddha who always reminds you of the ignoble truth of (your) suffering (but neglects the helping you find the enlightened solution element).

This Toxic is explored in detail last of all in the Toxic Taxonomy and is known as the Meta-Toxic.

These traits will be explored in greater detail as we meet each of the Noxious Nine Members of the Toxic Taxonomy. Consider this chapter a starting point of behaviours that should alert you to a potential Toxic.

Now it’s time to bungee dive down the rabbit hole of the reprehensible reprobates. Here are some of the main traits, the A-Z of Toxicity, if you like. Feel free to add some more of your own.

1. Abusive and Bullying

Toxics enjoy bullying other people. It’s something that they really get off on.

This includes passive aggressive behaviour as well as the more obvious and overt kinds of abuse. The Toxic may resort to all manner of threats to get their own way, depending on their reading of you. This might be the way they behave towards you all of the time, or part of a smorgasbord of behaviours that they try out to see what works best in their dealings with you.

Depending upon their intelligence and motivation, they can be very inventive. This way, they develop a pattern, your psychological profile and predilection towards manipulation, and work out which of your hot buttons they can push to try to achieve whatever outcome they desire.

This behaviour may be subtle and psychological, with a continual drip-feed of abuse to wear you down. Sometimes the action is menacing, with a number of implied or clearly articulated threats, especially if others are involved, and with the latent potential for violence.

2. Boring and Banal

Your eyes glaze over, and your will to live appears to evaporate because all the Toxic can talk about is me, me, me.

This is one of the main characteristics of a Necrotic Narcissist, but many of the other Toxics are not immune to hogging centre stage and playing to the gallery. Instead of an interactive conversation, you become the victim of a monologue of me-ism, leaving no space or opportunity for you to participate or put your point of view.

This can also be quite common in family situations, where one of the senior members thinks they are the fount of wisdom and experience regarding everything under the sun. You can imagine how often they intone the aphorism ‘respect your elders and betters’, naively expecting that everyone else believes that this applies to them.

3. Cowardly

The Toxic can and will act behind your back but deflates easily if challenged.

Then they will descend into self-pity and angst, which of course, is your fault. Toxics are not known for owning a problem or taking personal responsibility. Some Toxics will feign cowardice, using it as a weapon to put you off your guard so that they can retrench and strike back at a later date.

If you have the misfortune to be hounded by one over the Internet, you may find the online disinhibition effect kicks in, wherein they express things that they wouldn’t dare say to you to your face.

A direct, cold challenge can work with such individuals. If one approaches you with a problem or a veiled threat, ask them exactly what they are proposing to do. Push beyond their stuttering incomprehension and get them to articulate their response. The coward often tries to bully, then finds that their courage disappears under pressure.

You don’t have to like or hate them – simply challenge them to see what they are made of. And if they commit to improving their behaviour or getting out of your life, ensure that commitment is honoured.

4. Depressing

Toxics delight in dragging you down to their level of mediocrity and vileness and try to keep you there.

Continued exposure exacerbates this tendency and mires you in a disempowered state. This can make it difficult to take action. Disempowering you is yet another way that the Toxic tries to play you, as it makes you more malleable and less likely to escape from their presence and influence.

Hanging out with negative people is bad for your health, both physical and psychological. The Toxic may have a number of psychological and neurological issues that explain their behaviour, and specialists