All Inclusive

By Jack Brittain

A comical look at all inclusive holidays. This hilarious story features two British couples who holiday with each other for the first time in the Spanish resort of Benidorm.

Giles and Peter are old hands at all-inclusive holidays. However, in austerity Britain, they need to downgrade to three star properties. Giles, being a terrible snob does not cope well. Their travel companions, Rupert and Justin are no better.

The problems continue with a marital fling resulting in a change of plan. Then, there is the luggage, the packing, the check-in and everything else imaginable.

Anyone who has enjoyed an all-inclusive holiday will recognise many of the scenarios in this book. If you haven't experienced all-inclusive holidays, you will find this hilarious and informative!

At the end of it, you will either be booking your next all-inclusive holiday with eager anticipation or you will be booking a self-catering trip instead.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jack Brittain
• Release date: Nov 2, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370758388

Jack Brittain

Jack Brittain lives and writes in the South West region of England. His passion for travel and comedy is beautifully matched in his first novel, All Inclusive. Jack hopes you have as much fun reading the book as he had writing it. Please write to Jack at [e-mail]. He will do his best to respond to all correspondence.

Book preview

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All Inclusive

Jack Brittain © 2017

Contents

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About the author

Jack lives in the South west of England in a town called Exeter.  He loves gardening, music, writing and travel.

His varied travel experiences inspired him to write this novel about the travel industry.  

He hopes you will enjoy reading All Inclusive!  

Share your travel anecdotes with him at [e-mail] .   He will acknowledge all anecdotes used in future travel writing!

Enjoy!

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Chapter 1 - The Wedding Anniversary

There were twenty minutes to go and a crisis was unfolding.  The carpet had been shampooed and the scatter cushions plumped.  The best knifes and forks had been dusted down and the Royal Doulton cups and saucers had been reluctantly removed from their cupboard.

Oh my god!  We forgot to buy any prawns, said Peter, surveying the fridge.

Not to worry, we’ll go without, replied Giles, Peter's ‘better half’.

Go without!  Go without!  How can we have a prawn cocktail starter without prawns!

Don't panic!  Instead of giving them prawn cocktail, give them a cocktail.   And pate with a few crackers.

That's a bit 1970s but it will have to do.

They'll have pate and like it.  Anyway, all we had at their last do were a few cocktail sausages and a bowl of crisps.

Yes, the word cocktail does seem to feature heavily whenever we get together with those two.

A crisis was averted.  The dinner party was back on track, with or without the prawns.  Final preparations were made as the clock counted down towards their guests arrival.

Do you know, there’s a piano on my foot? said Giles as he re-positioned the piano in the corner of the sitting room.

No.  But, if you hum it, I’ll play it! said Peter.

Peter’s attempt at a quip did nothing to lighten the already tense mood.

Get that bloody thing off my foot! said Giles.  

The doorbell rang.

They're two minutes early!  How completely inconvenient.  I’ve not opened the pate yet, said Giles as he extracted his large toe from under the upright.

Just an excuse to get an extra glass of cava out of us, said Peter with one eye on the front door and the other on the clock.

Giles hobbled to the door to greet their dinner party guests, Rupert and Justin.  Several air kisses and the usual greetings of 'darling, darling’ took up the next several minutes.

Is that a new hairstyle? asked Rupert of Peter as he breezed through the front door.

He knew very well that it wasn't.

No, I've just brushed it a different way.

Well it looks lovely, what's left of it, remarked Justin.

Peter was convinced that Rupert and Justin's remarks were preplanned.  

You're looking well, dear, remarked Peter of Rupert.  The very expensive new lighting in here helps.  Takes years off me, Giles says.

I'd try changing it to a 40 watt bulb, you might look less than fifty dear! joked Justin.

Pleasantries over, they proceeded to the sitting room.  Moderately chilled champagne was served with the pate and crackers.   Peter almost choked when Justin remarked that the champagne would have gone lovely with fish.  It was as if he were psychic.

Five happy years! said Rupert.

Yes, not bad given that Peter and I have been together for ten years! sighed Giles.

Justin handed over their anniversary gift.  Peter took the gift with a look of glee whilst internalising the dread of what the gift was going to be.  

Cups and saucers! said Giles.

It was the gift that Peter and Giles had dreaded.  This was no ordinary gift.  The tea service had the number ten emblazoned across it.  It wouldn't have been out of place as one of Mrs Thatcher's retirement presents.  Yet another piece old tat to put on display every time Rupert and Justin visited.

It didn’t take long for the pate and crackers to disappear from the plate.  Peter noticed straight away that his guests seemed ravenous and surmised that they hadn't eaten for a week in order to take advantage of the free food.   He once quipped that Justin was so mean that he took the ice cubes home with him from his drinks at a bar.  Even worse, the champagne was being consumed at an alarming rate.  They would soon need to open a second bottle.  Peter and Giles nudged their guests towards the dinner table.

They were part way into the main course when Peter announced to Giles that he'd booked them on an all inclusive holiday.  Giles was less than enamoured with the all-inclusive concept since their last and only all-inclusive experience.  It was so bad that Giles booked himself in for two days therapy.   He even tried claiming the costs through the travel insurance.

Did you just say we are going ‘all inclusive’? he said.

Everyone's doing it at the moment, dear, said Peter.  

I assume you’re taking me to the Bahamas, or Mustique, or similar?

Similar, yes, similar.

Where? said Giles suspiciously.

Benidorm.

Benidorm?  As in Spain?   Next thing you’ll be telling me, we’ve been invited to appear on the next series of Brits Abroad.

It won’t be that bad.  It’s got a pool, unlimited local brand drinks and self-serve ice-cream.

I.  Don’t.  Do.  Self.  Serve.  Bloody.  Ice-cream.  And local brand alcohol is just a euphemism for petrol.

I’m sure there will be a Ben and Jerry's.

The look of absolute horror on Giles’s face said it all.  

I don’t care if there’s Ant and Dec’ he replied.  When you say ‘everyone’s doing it’, you don’t mean everyone, you just mean people that can’t afford to go to the Dominican Republic.

That's us dear; this is austerity Britain, don't forget, said Peter sympathetically.  We can’t afford to go to the Caribbean, anymore.

Justin and Rupert sat in complete silence during the domestic dispute.  Justin tried desperately to prolong his meal by cutting his slice of roast beef into ever smaller portions.

No.  You won't let me forget it, will you? said an increasingly irate Giles.  I’m yet to get over the experience of you taking me to that discount supermarket last week.  Did you see the state of the trolleys?  As for the state of the toilets.  Sweet Jesus.

Giles was a terrible snob and had become worse with age since his mid-life crisis at the age of forty.   The last time they went on holiday, Giles wrote a review complaining that rubbish was to be found  everywhere.  It turned out he was referring to his fellow tourists and not the local garbage disposal system.  Peter was trying to convince Giles that life was not over just because he had just reached the age of fifty.  He took great pleasure in reminding Giles of their two-week age