Love & Ink: An Ache In My Veins

By J.A. Howell

Darren never loved anyone like he did Ash. But Ash was ancient history after she disappeared without a trace. At least that was what he thought until she shows up one day at The Knotted Kneedle.

Suddenly, those old feelings from before... before he was a Dom, before he was anything, come rushing back. The only problem. Ash is engaged and has no interest in rehashing their past and bringing up all the old, painful memories that come along with it.

Unfortunately for her, Darren has never been one to take no for an answer. Not when it comes to the only woman he ever saw a future with. He still loves her and wants her back despite the pain of the past and everything her disappearance caused.

But will Darren's persistence come with reward? a second chance at love? Or will it end the same way it did before... and leave him with an ache he can't ever fufill?

• Language: English
• Publisher: J.A. Howell
• Release date: Nov 3, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370597154

J.A. Howell

J.A Howell is an office drone by day, and a writer by night. Her love of writing took off when she was eleven years old and decided to fill a composition notebook with stories to read to her friends. Many years (and notebooks) later, not much has changed. She still loves writing and sharing her works with others. When she isn’t writing, she can often be found trying her hand at whatever artistic pursuit strikes her fancy. J.A. Howell resides in Apopka, FL with her husband and their menagerie of animal children.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Date Night

Ten years Ago

Finally. You’re going to make us late for the movie. Ash sat on the bed in our small studio apartment already dressed and done up when I got home from work.

I’m sorry, babe. I got held up at the shop. Give me ten to get cleaned up. I leaned down and kissed her lips.

Hurry up. Ugh, you smell like motor oil. She wrinkled her nose at me, but smiled, her pale green eyes twinkling in amusement.

Yeah, yeah. I’ll be right out. I went past her and she swatted at my backside, giggling. I shook my head and headed for the bathroom, which was equally as tiny, made worse with all her make up, lotions, and hair products that cluttered the counter and the small windowsill inside the shower. The apartment wasn’t much, but it was ours. At nineteen that was all that mattered.

Mmm, much better, Darr-bear. I grabbed some clothes out for you. Ash appraised me when I re-emerged from the bathroom five minutes later, showered and clean. She nodded to the clothes laid out on the bed. I dressed, giving her a joking strip tease as I removed my towel. She rolled her eyes, though a grin tugged at her lips.

Come on. It’s date night!

I’m hurrying! I dressed, watching her squirm in her cute little denim skirt and tights. Her chocolate brown hair was up in a loose twist, some of it hanging over one shoulder. We could just stay in you know. I flashed her a devious grin. She frowned.

You said you were taking me out tonight, mister. We’re not staying in and having another Star Wars marathon...again.

Ugh, fine. Let’s go. Grab your helmet.

Can’t we just take a cab? She lifted a dubious eyebrow.

Oh, come on. That’s a waste of money and my bike’s perfectly safe to ride. I frowned at her.

Yes and everyone can hear us coming five miles away with as much as it backfires.

Motorcycles are supposed to be loud, Ashlynne.

Not that loud.

I slipped my jacket on. She sighed, did the same, and followed me downstairs. Admittedly, my bike was a little rough on the eyes, and it had a handful of mechanical issues, but it wasn’t bad for my first bike, and I got it pretty cheap.

Ash slipped her helmet on and climbed on behind me, not commenting on the torn up seats for once. I looked back at her with a grin and started the bike. It backfired and promptly died.

You sure about the cab?

Ash...

I love you, she giggled.

Love you too. We’re taking the bike. I started it again, and this time it remained running with the occasional sputter and pop as I pulled onto the road.

Which theater are we going to, I yelled back at her as her arms squeezed around me.

The one toward the south part of town!

Oh! Okay!

I always let her pick which movie we went to and she tended to want to go to the cheaper theater that showed older movies that we could just as easily rent from the video store. Still, she liked going out, so I took her.

So, what movie, I asked as I parked outside of the theater. There were barely any other vehicles there. Not that there usually was.

Mmm, Mystic Pizza. She grinned at me.

You were worried about missing that?

She frowned, and then elbowed me in the side. Don’t be mean.

You picked on Star Wars.

She narrowed those green eyes at me, the black liner around them making them almost cat-like. I slipped her hand into mine and with a sigh tugged her toward the box office. The theater was pretty run-down but we liked coming here. We’d been coming here since we were fifteen, ditching school early to watch movies and make out. The place had good memories despite its fading exterior, worn carpets and uncomfortable seats.

We stopped at the concession stand and I bought us popcorn and a soda, bringing the grand total of our date up to ten bucks. She popped a few kernels into her mouth and gave me a wide smile as I followed her into the empty theater. Mmm, Thanks Darr-bear.

We settled into a middle row and put our feet up on the back of the seats in front of us. I took a sip of soda and passed it to her as the movie started. Ash laid her head on my shoulder and I put an arm around her, pressing my face into her hair.

Hey, watch the movie. She turned her gaze on me.

But we’ve seen this. I went in for another kiss and she turned her head away with a giggle.

Ash...I haven’t seen you all day.

Another giggle as she stared up at the screen. I nudged her shoulder with my nose.

Ash...

Darrrreeennn.

Ashlynne...

Mmmhmm? She turned her face to mine with that teasing grin and I leaned in, my lips just brushing hers before she turned her attention back to the screen.

Oooh, I love this part!

Ughhh. Ash giggled and pressed her lips to mine, finally giving in. I smiled against her lips and pulled her closer, as much as the stupid armrest allowed. She slid her hand over my thigh and this time I laughed. I thought you wanted to watch the movie.

Eh, I’ve seen it before. Her mouth moved against mine and I groaned as she caressed me through my jeans. Her fingers moved to my zipper and I gulped, grabbing her wrist.

We can’t do that here!

Why not? We’re all by ourselves , she persisted, tugging at my zipper.

Ash... I moaned against her lips as she reached into my boxers and her fingers grazed against my cock. She let out an approving noise and flicked her tongue against mine. Ash, what if someone comes in?

Mmm, where’s your sense of adventure?

She bit my lip and I lifted my hips with her touch as her fingers curled around me. Mmm, Ash...

Her lips parted from mine and she grinned at me as she leaned down.

Awww, yeah. This is my kind of movie!

Ash! We’re not alone, I hissed, and peered toward the back of the theater. Three guys were leaned forward a few rows back watching us. I kept my arm around her as she slowly sat up and I returned my attention to the movie, ignoring them.

Sorry. I didn’t see them come in , she whispered.

They probably came in from another theater. You know how some idiots hang around and hop theaters.

You mean, like we used to?

Yeah, I laughed, still feeling a little uneasy. I didn’t like the way they were looking at her.

Awww, show’s over? One of them called to us. Ash looked toward me, embarrassed.

Just ignore them. I kissed her cheek.

Come on, baby. You’re gonna give the guy blue balls. Us too.

Darren? Ash’s voice came out meek and frightened. I squeezed her shoulder, and then glanced back toward them.

Guys, do you mind?

Oh, not at all. Maybe when she’s done with you she can come back here and suck us off.

I squeezed her shoulder, anger rising in me. Come on. Let’s just leave. It’s still early. We can go somewhere else tonight.

Ash frowned. I think I just want to go home.

That’s fine. Come on. We’ll just leave. Don’t even pay attention to them. We both stood and I kept my arm around her, but as soon as we stepped into the aisle, so did they.

Come on, baby. We were just playing. You don’t have to leave. The one who had been shouting shit grinned at her and Ash stumbled back against me. I kept my hold on her.

Back off, asshole. We’re not looking for any trouble, now just get out of our way.

He grinned, looking from Ash to me as he rubbed a hand over his buzzed head. Asshole? That’s not very nice. He took a few steps toward us, and his friends followed suit.

Darren?

Come on. I grabbed her elbow and steered her toward the exits at the front of the theater.

That’s the back way!

We can just go around to the front and get on my bike. I picked up my pace.

Aww, leaving already? But we were just starting to have some fun!

I shoved the door open and we stumbled into the back alley behind the theater but didn’t slow down. Come on. We’re going home. Bike’s just around that corner.

Our feet pounded against the pavement as laughter erupted behind us. I wasn’t that built, but if those three assholes managed to catch up with us, I could probably take them. I wouldn’t let them talk to Ash like that and frighten her. I glanced back but they weren’t even attempting to run after us.

Darren! Ash shrieked and I turned my attention forward just as something swung and hit me across the face. My ears rang and I fell against the hard pavement. Ash screamed, but it was quickly muffled. I blinked, trying to push myself up on my hands and knees. Whatever had hit my head—a crowbar or a pipe—came down across my back, knocking me back down.

Aww, don’t cry sweetheart. We just wanted to have a little fun, the man laughed, and I managed to roll onto my side as someone kicked me in the stomach, then the crotch, then the jaw.

I felt dazed and dizzy, everything was out of focus, but I heard Ash’s muffled sobs, the rip of clothing, her struggling.

Ash!

A boot connected with my cheek. Shut the fuck up!

She let out a yelp as they threw her against the pavement and I tried to focus on her.

Ash! The crowbar hit my ribcage and my breath left me with a painful gasp.

Darren!

Another boot hit me as I caught sight of her laid out on her back, her clothes ripped open down the front as two men held her arms and legs open. Another, the asshole that had been yelling at us, leaned over her face, tugging at his jeans as she turned her face away, tears running down her cheeks. Despite the pain, I pushed myself up to my hands and knees.

Don’t you touch her! I lunged forward unsteadily but the two men who had been hitting me caught my arms and forced me down onto my knees with another hard hit across my back. Before I could recover, one grabbed my hair and pulled my head back, putting a blade to my neck.

Ash screamed and the man punched her across the jaw.

Ash!

Now suck my fucking cock, bitch, or we’ll slit your pussy-ass boyfriend’s throat.

Her green eyes held mine, frightened, and I shook my head. No, they couldn’t do this to her.

Suck it, bitch! The man hit her again and I threw my head back, managing to get free, only for another blade to stab me in the side.

My eyes widened in shock and the man holding the blade in my side grinned at me. I gasped falling back to my knees, shocked from the pain as he pulled the blade back out. Ash screamed, but it was cut short with a horrible sound. The man straddling her laughed.

Good girl.

Something hard hit my cheek and my head bounced hard against the pavement. Light danced in my vision as another man shoved her legs wider apart. Another boot swung toward my face, and I heard Ash’s sobs as I lost my grip on consciousness.

Ash...

CHAPTER TWO

Shitty Tattoos

The Castle was packed tonight. Most nights it was pretty busy. Most nights I didn’t mind hanging around or even finding someone to play with myself, but tonight I just wasn’t in the mood. I leaned against the rail on the second floor, watching the crowd downstairs, then with a sigh, strode down the staircase to the front.

Hey, Jax. I think I’m heading out. You got everything?

Sure, boss man. It seems pretty chill tonight. He nodded, surveying the floor.

Thanks. Call if anything comes up, okay?

Will do. Have a good night.

You too. I patted his shoulder then grabbed my helmet and riding jacket out of the office and headed for my bike. My phone buzzed in my pocket with a text from Shayne, and I smiled.

: Working tonight? :

: Nah. Just heading out. What’s up? :

: Was making dinner. Thought you might want to come over. :

I laughed, knowing she didn’t just mean dinner.

: What’s on the menu? :

: Spaghetti and meatballs...more if you want. :

Yeah, she wasn’t just talking about dinner.

: I’ll be over in a bit. :

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and climbed on my bike, relaxing a little as it rumbled to life. Shayne and Kieran had moved to a bigger apartment, similar to my own but on the opposite side of Midtown. It was a nice ride over there and the night was cool, just at the beginning of autumn. My mood lifted a little from the ride as well as the prospect of playing with them tonight. In truth, I hadn’t really found another sub I connected with quite like Shayne. Sometimes I missed how things used to be between us before Kieran came into the picture, but I was happy they’d found each other. I loved Shayne. I cared about her a lot, but I couldn’t give her the kind of love Kieran could. The kind of love she really needed. Ours was something more than friends but less than actual lovers.

Hey you, Shayne grinned at me when she opened the door. She had on a cute little dress, along with her black and red leather collar. The little lock on the front dangled and caught the light.

Hey. I gave her a soft peck on the lips. Food smells good.

She smiled and pulled the door open the rest of the way. Kieran nodded at me from the kitchen as he plated the food. I put my helmet down on a table by the door and hung up my jacket on one of the empty pegs. Is it weird to say I missed your cooking?

Kieran’s eyes darted to me as he brought the plates to the table and the corner of his mouth ticked up. Nah. Ya know ya love my cooking.

Dude could actually throw down some amazing food. His fucking French toast was amazing. Shayne put out a few beers then pulled a chair out, nodding for me to sit before taking her own seat. I sat down on one side of her and Kieran sat on the other.

Oh, babe, can ya grab the garlic bread?

Shayne lifted an eyebrow at him, then nodded and slowly stood up. Kieran flashed her an odd grin then as she stood, reached into his pocket. Intrigued by their odd exchange, I watched them. Right as Shayne bent down to pull the bread out of the oven, she jumped and let out a little squeak.

I raised an eyebrow at Kieran. Vibrating panties?

He shook his head, that grin still on his lips as Shayne put a basket of garlic bread on the table. Nope.

No?

Kieran patted her behind and nodded at me. Shayne?

Shayne frowned at him but lifted her dress, giving me a peek of a stainless steel chastity belt before she sat back down.

What did you do now?

Go on, Shayne. Tell him. She blushed and ducked her head. Shayne...

She sighed. Okay fine. You know that big signing he had in New York?

Mmmhmm, the one you went with him to?

Yeah, that one.

I took a sip of beer, waiting for her to continue. She grinned, looking between Kieran and me, then jumped as Kieran pressed the button again. Go on...

I might have snuck under his table.

And? Kieran’s finger hovered over the button.

And, gave him a blow job. She grinned. Kieran cleared his throat and gave the button another tap. He may have been signing a few books at the time.

And what else?

And talking to readers.

And?

What? How was I supposed to know a TV crew would show up?!

I bit my lip, trying not to chuckle. Please tell me when this is airing. Why did they show up?

They wanted ta interview me about the movie. It already aired. Shayne recorded it.

You just looked like you were thinking really hard about your answers, and sweating a little. She added helpfully. He pressed the button again and she shifted around in her seat, and then frowned.

You should put that thing down and eat, mister.

He let go of it and picked up his fork, but as soon as Shayne brought a meatball to her lips he tapped it again.

Mmph! That’s mean...

Fine, fine. I’ll give it a rest. He grinned at her. Here, Darren.

He slid the remote across the table to me and Shayne put her fork down, fixing me with her bratty frown. Oh come on. You were never this mean.

No. No I wasn’t, I laughed. I don’t think I ever put you in one of those.

Shayne smiled triumphantly and twirled spaghetti on her fork. I pressed it as soon as she took a bite and she sputtered spaghetti onto the table.

Darren!

What? I wanted to try it.

Am I allowed to eat my dinner now?

Kieran chuckled and I nodded, putting the remote down. I suppose.

Shayne slowly picked up her fork and we settled into a quiet meal with a few chuckles from Kieran and me. I saw her lip curl to mumble something but she brought her drink to her lips instead when I reached for the remote. She cleaned off the table then Kieran nodded for her to come over to him. He kissed her, sliding his hands under her dress.

Ya goin’ ta behave?

She nodded and he unlocked the chastity belt, rubbing her between her thighs. A smile played on my lips as I watched them. Shayne looked at me through lidded eyes and smiled. You coming with?

Yeah, just going to finish my beer.

You okay?

Yeah. I nodded. Go on. I’ll be there to join you guys in a minute.

Kieran looped his finger around the ring of her collar and led her to the large leather sectional in their living room. With a rough tug, he pulled her over his lap. One hand twisted into her hair as the other cupped her ass.

Yer such a naughty girl, Shayne. Suckin’ me off while I was bein’ interviewed. Ya like bein’ punished, don’t ya?

Yes, sir, she whimpered and he raised his hand, swinging it hard against her ass. I polished off my beer, rather enjoying the show. Shayne lifted her hips after each slap, moaning against the sofa. I wasn’t exactly in the mood, but it had been a while since the three of us got together with as busy as Kieran had been, and I knew she enjoyed it.

I got up, strode over to the living room, and sat down next to them. Shayne smiled at me and I tugged her collar, kissing her. Kieran spanked her again and she moaned into my mouth. Her hand slid up my thigh and I twisted my fingers into her hair. I stiffened at her touch and unzipped my jeans.

That what you want, Shayne? Hmm?

She nodded; brown eyes lustful and hungry and I pushed her head down, moaning as she took me in her mouth. Mmm, Shayne.

Kieran pushed Shayne up to her knees and moved behind her, fingering and licking her. She moaned and I thrust my hips up, tightening my grip on her hair.

Mmm, why don’t ya turn around, love? Let me have that naughty little mouth of yers fer a bit.

Shayne released me and turned around for him. Kieran pushed her top down, groping her breasts as she took him in her mouth. That same odd feeling from the club settled over me. Shayne peered back at me for a moment, lifting her ass in invitation. I smiled at her, running my fingers over her wet slit. She moaned and I sat up, pushing my pants down.

That what you want? She moaned in answer and Kieran groaned, thrusting into her mouth.

I thrust into her, letting out my own groan and pushing the feelings from earlier away as I lost myself in her.

Mmm, fuck Shayne. I dug my nails into her hips, driving into her as I came. Kieran bent over her gasping with his own orgasm as Shayne’s muscles tightened around me. Shayne slid down against the sofa, chest heaving and we both laid down next to her. She tugged the blanket off the back of the sofa and covered us, a sleepy grin on her face.

It’s been a while. That was fun. She patted my chest. Kieran put his arm around Shayne, kissing her shoulder and I put my hand over hers.

Yeah, it was. I kissed her cheek. Shayne giggled, turning my wrist over and running her finger over the tattoo there. A faded anchor and heart with the letters A and D in the heart. I bit my lip as I looked down at it.

That reminds me, I got an interesting email today. This girl I guess heard about me from Lucy back when she was still going to university in Boston. She wanted me to do a cover up.

Oh? I lifted my head.

Yeah. It looks nearly identical to yours.

My heart dropped. What, you mean it looked like it?

Well, no. I mean it looks nearly identical to yours. Same, spot, same position. Like the same horribly done tattoo. She grabbed her phone off the coffee table and opened up an email, showing me a photo. I took the phone from her, staring down at it. It couldn’t be her. No. That’s not possible.

Who was it? I mean that emailed you about it?

Um, Ashley, Aisha? I’m not sure. I just saved the picture on my phone to show it to you. Weird, huh?

Yeah...weird coincidence I guess. I laughed. I hadn’t seen her in ten years and as impossible as it seemed, I knew it was her. A scar ran up her arm just under it, and it was still there, though barely more than a white line. I remembered that scar. I remembered how she got it.

You okay? I looked up at Shayne, not even realizing I’d been tracing my finger over it and handed it back, letting out another laugh.

Yeah, I’m fine. So this girl is getting a cover up of it?

Yeah. Driving down day after tomorrow. Should be fairly easy, since it’s as faded and blown out as yours.

Yeah. Maybe she went to the same shitty tattoo artist I did, I joked.

She did. The same night I did.

CHAPTER THREE

Reunion

"Ash?" I frowned at her side of the bed. Empty. Again. I knew she barely slept. The times she did, she only woke crying and refused to let me come near her. I just wanted to comfort her, to protect her, but I didn’t protect her that night...and I wasn’t any comfort to her now. I shoved the covers off ignoring the sharp pain in my back and the throbbing ache in my head that reminded me that I’d forgotten to take my pain meds earlier. The bathroom light was on, but I didn’t hear her in there. I’d found her sitting on the floor of the shower shaking and crying several nights in the few weeks that had passed since we’d been attacked.

"Ash?" She wasn’t in there. I wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or not. I looked around our small, cramped apartment, a wave of panic rising up. Where was she? Had she gone out? I didn’t think it likely after what happened. A breeze ruffled the curtains, drawing my attention to the window that led to the fire escape. Sometimes we sat out there just looking over the city, curled up to each other. I winced as I climbed out, but she wasn’t sitting out there.

"Ash? She didn’t answer me, but I heard the sounds of a faint sob overhead and scrambled up the ladder. Another sob broke as I reached the roof, pulling myself up. I could barely stand from the pain, but I spotted her and forced myself upright. She was in her nightshirt, faded bruises on her thighs illuminated by the moonlight. Her long hair blew all around her along with the bandages on her arms. They hung off her spread arms like tattered angel wings. Barefoot, she climbed up onto the ledge and ice moved through my veins. Ash, no!"

Her startled gaze looked back at me, and she shook with another sob, then turned away. I launched myself across the roof. No, Ash, please!

She looked down and let out a gasp, hesitating. I grabbed her around the waist, pulling her back from the ledge.

"NO! Let me go! She flailed and kicked me and pulled at my hair, but I didn’t let go of her. Let me go, Darren!"

"NO! You’re not going anywhere! Do you hear me?" I held her tight, ignoring the pain her struggling caused me.

"Let me go! I can’t do this! I can’t!" Her fists pounded against my arms. She was so thin and frail in my arms. She hadn’t eaten much the past several days.

"I’m not letting you go. I can’t lose you. Tears welled in my eyes and I held her tighter, pressing my face against her hair. We’ll get you help. We’ll get you better. I’ll take care of you."

All at once the strength went out of her and she collapsed against me. Her whole body trembled as she sobbed and I turned her to me, holding her tight. I picked her up and carried her back to the fire escape. She held onto me, sniffling against my undershirt as I carried her down to the safety of our apartment.

"It’s okay, Ash. It’ll be okay."

"No...No..."

"Shhh, it’s going to be okay. My back felt like it was on fire, but somehow I managed to carry her to the bed. She stared up at me, dark circles around her wide green eyes, and I pushed her hair out of her face. Whatever I need to do to make you feel safe, I’ll do it, Ash. Just please don’t go up there again. Don’t leave me like that."

She sniffed, blinking tears out of her eyes and I climbed onto the bed next to her, pulling her into my arms. I love you. I can’t lose you.

She didn’t say anything, but reached her hand down, her fingers tracing the tattoo on my wrist. I planted a soft kiss on her forehead and ran my fingers over the identical tattoo on her own wrist, just above the bandage on her arm.

"Please promise me, Ash. Promise you won’t do that again. That you won’t leave me. I pleaded with her. She burrowed her head against me and tears soaked through to my chest. Promise me. Please."

Slowly she relaxed against me, turned her face up to mine, and kissed my cheek. I promise.

*****

I had no idea what I was doing. Ash wouldn’t want to see me. Not after all these years, but I had to see her. I couldn’t help myself. I’d been back and forth about it the last day. I’d gotten drunk and decided no, I wouldn’t see her. Why should I? She’d forgotten about me.

But I woke up this morning, showered, dressed, and somehow managed to find my way here despite myself. She did still have the tattoo. Well, for now. She had to think about me when she looked at it. Idiot, that’s exactly why she’s covering it up.

I tilted one of my side mirrors up, inspected myself in it and frowned. I had a headache but I didn’t feel too hungover at least. Well, it’s not like you’re going to walk in there and say hi, you moron. I turned the mirror back and stared across the street at the front of The Knotted Needle.

What the fuck am I doing here?

A couple cars passed by and I frowned again.

Just go. I slid my helmet back on and turned the key, but stopped as a little white Honda parked in front of The Knotted Needle. It couldn’t be her, could it? I held my breath as the driver’s door opened and a woman got out; a woman with beautiful long, rich chocolate brown hair. Her color. I craned my neck to try and see her face, but she didn’t turn her head as she marched toward the door to the tattoo shop. She looked different. Filled out more, but not at all in a bad way. She had on a long pencil skirt that hugged her backside, and expensive looking high heels. Her head turned as she walked inside. I leaned over more, trying to catch a glimpse of her face, but instead fell over, along with my bike.

Fuck!

You alright? Some man ran over to me to help me pick it back up and my face burned in embarrassment.

Yep, just fine. I wiped myself off and looked over my bike. Only a few scratches. Still, what the fuck was I doing here? The