The U.S. Needs a Good Dictator: 2016 Election Edition

By RTB

Are you planning on throwing away your vote this presidential election?
“Boo Hoo! My candidate didn’t win the primary.”

Or perhaps you’re still undecided?
“I don’t know... they’re both monsters.”

Well this book can’t help with whatever psychiatric issues you’re suffering from, but it should provide some good laughs and might even make you think.

Not quite a rant, not quite a manifesto, but the best of both worlds... a drunken, political, stream of consciousness diatribe or put more simply... a RANTIFESTO.

Twisted, irreverent, thoughtful, wrong, but most importantly... funny.

• Language: English
• Publisher: RTB
• Release date: Oct 12, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370808618

RTB

Born in McKeesport, Pennsylvania the author currently resides and rants in Northern California.

Book preview

The U.S. Needs a Good Dictator – 2016 Election Edition

By RTB

Copyright 2016 RTB

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

A Note From The Author

Wow… how fucked is this presidential election?

We basically have to choose between a witch… or a tiny monster with funny hair.

What the fucked happened? And how fucked are we as a country?

This book attempts to address those questions as well as offer some insight into both U.S. and world politics in general, it also contains some funny autobiographical stories. As a whole you are going to find humorous takes on many things political. If none of this sounds interesting to you, clearly this book isn’t for you so piss off and don’t waste any more of your time. Resume whatever mental masturbation you usually enjoy and good luck with whatever it is you call a life.

Still with me? Alright, good for you!

Chances are you have already decided who you’re voting for this election and since you are actually reading a book there’s an equally good chance that the misogynistic-muppet is not your candidate. That’s really good, because you’d probably be really offended by several passages in this book. Having said that, if you are voting for a third party candidate or abstaining from the election this time around; please check yourself into reality and vote for the witch then spend your next two years trying to bolster whatever other party you support. Simply put… we can’t let the bedazzled & broken Chuck E Cheese outcast win… that would pretty much fuck us all.

What the U.S. needs a good dictator.

That’s the thought that popped into my head back in 1991 and is the title of the book that I finally published in 2015 and updated in 2016 for your reading pleasure. Considering how much the political climate transformed from January of 2015 to June of 2016 it only seemed fitting. What a complete clusterfuck!

This is not a manifesto of any kind; Ted Kazinski and Karl Marx have nothing to fear. This is not a how-to or do-it-yourself book for reaching office; Machiavelli-For-Dummies will have to wait. This is not a blueprint for any sort of militia or anti-government group… do you hear me NSA/secret service?

So what is this? What in the hell am I about to read?

Government should make people’s lives better, not harder or more complicated. Twenty three years ago my younger more innocent self, started writing a book about that exact thing that he simply could not finish; that young-vibrant-do-gooder-who-thought-every-person-was-innately-good turned into the semi-decrepit-cynic-who-thinks-too-many-people-are-stupid that just typed this sentence. That charming iteration of me ultimately came to the logical conclusion that what couldn’t be finished in over two decades of writing attempts could easily be written in just five days, if he had sufficient motivation and was left undisturbed. So when my wife visited her mom and left me to my own devices for a week; I had some friends over for an alcohol fueled political conversation then put together this semi-drunken-autobiographical-stream-of-consciousness-political-rant that you hold in your paws right now, during a five day writing binge.

For those of you that have enough brain space to remember what life was like prior to the start of this presidential election cycle, much of the symposium dialogue will be quite striking on multiple levels.

About a quarter of the content is brand new, while a third of it has been updated over the past couple months, with the rest remaining in its original form.

I originally planned to call this updated version The U.S. Needs a Good Dictator - The Muppet, The Witch and the Clown Car Edition, sadly the clown car faltered too quickly.

Some names have been changed to protect the innocent or at least prevent libelous lawsuits and for the sake of timeliness, I have forsaken good grammar so deal with it. Finally if you are one of the candidates or other persons of interest mentioned within this tome; I hope you don’t take yourself too seriously as I’m probably going to piss you off on multiple levels.

Cheers

---The Decrepit Author

Introduction

Memory is a funny thing. We consistently believe our memories to be a recording of past events, objective and accurate as if a camera was present filming each incident, rather than the subjective and unreliable visions that they are. Many people can recall recent events with great specificity, but the further back in time one goes the foggier the details become. Knowing this, I would like to apologize in advance to anyone who is reading this and has a different take on events. While I’m certain my version is the accurate one, I apologize anyway.

My first memories of politics harken back to grade school and the Weekly Reader. Some of you may remember this fine publication, but for those of you who are too young to have experienced it or too senile to remember, Weekly Reader was a weekly newspaper that was distributed in public schools that had very brief articles on current events. Once a month or so it also contained an order form for age appropriate reading; this typically meant joke books, Encyclopedia Brown stories, Mad Libs, etc.; I think it still exists but probably in some sort of digital form, regardless it was a staple throughout my grade school career and seemingly evolved each year.

Even though I frequently read the adult newspapers, being the little nerd that I was I absolutely LOVED this kid version. While much of my fondness for Weekly Reader stemmed from being able to order my own books, one of the only independent purchases this grade-schooler could make; discussing the articles in class was the true highlight for me. Most of my classmates never read a regular newspaper at that young age unless it was the comics section, so the Weekly Reader discussions were the only time us kids talked like adults.

I totally knew that if I was old enough to vote, Jimmy Carter was my man… fuck that other guy! … Who ultimately turned out to be Ronald Reagan.

Growing up in the city of McKeesport during the 1970s and 1980s probably guaranteed my being a dedicated and unwavering democrat, despite the fact that I couldn’t legally vote until 1989. The city is located in Western Pennsylvania, about twelve miles south of Pittsburgh, one of several cities that make up the Mon Valley. You could count the number of registered republicans in the neighborhood on one hand and according to my wise and respected elders; you should use your middle finger for said counting.

Labor unions were strong and bars were plentiful with several steel mills directly or indirectly providing the majority of income in the valley; people either worked in the mills or had a business that depended on the steel workers as customers. Consequently my early years on this planet were rather bountiful with nearly all of my extended family being gainfully employed in one way or another and most of them owning their own homes.

Things began changing in the late seventies as steel production in the southern states and overseas ramped up, producing similar quality goods at lower prices; mills throughout the valley began cutting production and/or closing. Contrary to the revisionist history which has become so popular, the Reagan years did not bring magical unicorns that trickled down wealth to all the deserving needy, showering them with jellybeans for sustenance. Instead we witnessed the end of an industry in the Mon Valley with only a handful of places remaining open, while people scrambled to feed their families and figure out what they were going to do next. I won’t burden you with details from this period; suffice to say that IT SUCKED! Many people lamented the fact that a certain Mr. Hinckley clearly didn’t play much with BB guns much as a child…. I’m just saying.

Although we endured economic hardships I wouldn’t trade that period for anything. Because of those troubles my interest in all things political flourished during that time, starting in junior high and continuing through high school. I devoured all of the great treatises that I could find, trying to come to terms with the pros and cons of each system, both from economic and moral viewpoints. In addition to that knowledge I confirmed to myself the need for a higher education.

Those of you reading this under the age of twenty five might be sarcastically thinking aren’t you just fucking brilliant… college… shocking!!! All but two of my great aunts & uncles (e.g. my grandparents’ numerous brothers and sisters) still believed that hard work was all you needed to get ahead in life; sure that will get you ahead in life… all other things being equal, but education is the greatest equalizer. While most of the elders in the family simply thought that I’d have to bide my time until I could find a good labor job with a union, the two smarter members realized that those union jobs weren’t coming back.

Now having a degree doesn’t guarantee a good job, nor does it confirm that you’re actually smart, but from a percentages point of view it is the way to higher career earnings. Even in today’s world where many of the skilled labor jobs pay more than positions requiring a two to four year degree; on average the higher your level of education the greater your earnings. More importantly though, people with degrees tend to have better critical thinking skills, such skills cannot be overrated.

****

So the idea hearkens back to Plato and Socrates and The Symposium?

Exactly, it’s basically just one big drunken party, where everybody shows up ready to talk about a particular set of topics.

In our case politics and leadership?

Exactly.

I’m totally onboard; I’ve been studying up for the last two weeks. I always say you can learn more in one hour at the bar, than a semester of classes.

You would say that wouldn’t you?

I’m just a big believer in larger truths; besides the cost of college these days is insane! I would much rather spend a few years pickling my innards in a bar in pursuit of enlightenment, than tens of thousands on tuition.

Here, here.

Agreed.

So let’s get this party started!

Genesis

Educate the masses. We’ll burn the Whitehouse down. – from the song Speak by the band Queensryche off their album Operation: mindcrime circa 1988

****

In the summer of 1989 my best friend Rich and I would frequently walk to the high school on days that we weren’t working and then jog a couple miles on the track before heading back home. This was a ritual that we performed many times in previous summers. Occasionally he would drive, but the walking days were always the best. Although each walk might begin with discussions of all things petty that were happening in our lives, we would inevitably get around to grander discussions. I don’t remember any specific details, but all of the world’s problems got solved some time during the thirty minute walk to the track or the time actually spent running around it. If the first president Bush had bothered to contact us young knaves, we could have solved that silly Middle East thingy decades ago! Alas, that did not happen.

My first year in college was one of the best years of my life, despite the fact that is was also one of the more trying years of my life. Working fulltime while taking a full load of classes, I began my four years of college working towards a civil engineering degree. Between work, school and some limited socializing there wasn’t much time left for sleeping, but somehow that didn’t seem important. Working for the first six weeks of the semester was the only logical choice since the grants/scholarship/loans covered tuition, but did not cover the cost of books and equipment, not to mention there was little help available from my family.

I still remember my grandfather being very happy when he