Never Flirt with Puppy Killers: And Other Better Book Titles

By Dan Wilbur

“Classics” (the books you’ve lied about reading). Actual Classics (Greek and Latin books people don’t even pretend to have read). Contemporary fiction (those books people talk about at parties that you’ve "definitely heard of” but never bothered to pick up). Children’s (books that say the most with the fewest number of words, i.e. “The Best Books”). Reference (Those books that were around before Google).

From children’s literature, The Very Hungry Caterpillar gets the retitle Eat Until You Feel Pretty. An American classic, The Great Gatsby is switched to Drink Responsibly. And from contemporary fiction, Gone Girl is retitled A Tale of Two Shitty People. There’s something here for every reader. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
• Release date: May 10, 2016
• ISBN: 9781449478445

Dan Wilbur

Dan Wilbur is a comedian and bookseller in Brooklyn, New York. His work has been featured on Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and the Onion News Network. He is the creator of the BetterBookTitles blog.

Book preview

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Introduction

If brevity is the soul of wit, then this is the wittiest book ever written because there are barely any words in it. Your definition of wit, however, will also have to include using the word handjob to sum up the modernist classic Ulysses by James Joyce. If you’re not into reading the word handjob in print and laughing, this probably isn’t the book for you. (I’d also stay away from James Joyce altogether. His books have a lot to do with jerking off, both literally and figuratively.)

If you’re a big reader or know someone who is, then this is the book you’ve been waiting for your whole life. I promise you: No one else in comedy is making jokes about Gilgamesh or

Reviews for Never Flirt with Puppy Killers

[puddintame-358807 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I love these, but it omits one of my favorites: Henry David Thoreau's On Walden Pond = How to Live Rent-Free in Your Neighbor's Back Yard.

[bragan_8 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A small collection consisting of images of book covers where the books have all been given irreverent alternate titles that are humorously descriptive of their contents. "Never Flirt with Puppy Killers" is, of course, Of Mice and Men. Other titles include things like "One of My Best Friends Is Black" (Huckleberry Finn), "Skipping Dinner Is Like Dropping Acid" (Where the Wild Things Are), and "All Right! Fine, Asshole! I Didn't Use the Word 'Quixotic' Right!" (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary).Really, there's not much to it, but it's good for a brief laugh, at least for anyone well-read enough to get most of the jokes.

[sweetiegherkin · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is a collection of book covers with alternate titles that are better at describing the book -- and by better, the author means more humorous. So, for instance, The Picture of Dorian Gray becomes "Never Stab a Magic Painting." The original title and author are always listed below, and the books are loosely categorized into sections like classics and children's. Obviously, the more familiar you are with the books featured, the more likely you will find the new titles funny; some are truly laugh out loud. The only reason I don't rate this book higher is that if you are familiar with the website of the same name/creator, you will have already seen some of these.