Born-Again Marriage: How to Cope with the D's in Life: Divorce, Depression, Death, Drugs, Drinking, and Debt

By Dr. Bonnie Libhart

Tony and Bonnie's marriage endured many storms...From their survival of the press box crash at the Indy 500 to their struggle to hold onto their lives in an Arkansas tornado. But the whirlwind of divorce wreaked the most damaged on their lives. Their search for happiness in power, prestige, and possessions fed it winds. To support that search, Bonnie spent more and more hours at her job as a TV talk show host while Tony devoted more and more of himself to his company. Finally there wasn't left for each other.

When the storm winds had done their damage, they left behind only the splintered remains of the Libhart's marriage. That was when Bonnie called out to God- and He answered her cry.

Born-Again Marriage is a story of wreckage and rebuilding. But more that it's a handbook you can use to look at your own priorities. The unique Analysis-Action sections at the end of each priorities are-and a chance to set new ones.
Born-Again Marriage offers an exciting story of struggle and romance.

You, too, can have a Born-Again relationship, if you would please. Thank you for taking us home with you. Please let us now how this has helped you and if we can use your story in the sequel at www.DrBonnieL.com.

• Language: English
• Publisher: eBookIt.com
• Release date: Apr 26, 2016
• ISBN: 9781456601829

Book preview

Chapter One

I Search for Happiness In my Husband

At KAIT-TV, where I hosted a daily television talk show for years, many companies would send me samples of their new products, hoping that after I'd tried them, I'd tell about them on the air.

I didn't care for many of these, but when one of the cosmetics companies came out with a new line, I thought, Ah-ha! I’ll try this one.

As I was smearing the heavy gook all over my face one night, my little one who was watching asked in his high-pitched voice, What're you doing that for, mom?

Breathlessly and enthusiastically, while continuing to read their enclosed ad, I announced, Oh! This is going to make me beautiful!

He watched. . .not taking his eyes off my face for the next thirty minutes. When I wiped the facial treatment off, his bottom lip quivered as he said sadly, It didn't work, did it, Mom?

Many things we try in life are just like my facial masque-they just don't work as well as we would like. But marriage doesn't have to be one of those things. It doesn't have to be hit-or-miss: it can -- and will -- work when we decide that is IS going to work.

Just a few years ago, after two marriages, one divorce, and an audition for the second, I felt like an authority on failure. I didn't know a marriage could be born-again. But that's exactly what happened to mine, and I'd like to tell you how.

Born and raised in Paragould, Arkansas, I eloped at the age of sixteen with a basketball player who drove a convertible. But marriage was not what I had expected and thirty months later I had a child and a divorce, but not much more maturity. I blamed them- parents, society, my husband -- for my marriage failure.

After modeling for a while in New York, I was forced, due to lack of money, to move back to the South to be near my parents so they could keep my child. Then, despite their objections and my own guilt feelings, I entered a career in radio, fulfilling a childhood dream. With a sultry voice and the introduction, You're listening to WHER-Radio, the nation's only all-girl station, I was on the air.

In the evenings I taught dancing, and waltzing around the dance studio I met HIM. He was just the kind of man girls dream about-- Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome!

His parents and the Marines had done a great job making him one of the few good men. He had all the right credentials: He was a charter member of his hometown Jaycees, a Pennsylvania State University graduate and lover of the finer things. He was as beautiful inside as outside, and since he seemed so perfect, I expected him to perfect me. I thought he could settle me down.

The storm began brewing from the beginning. The Marine Corps didn't pay a Corporal scads of money, and we had $1,000 worth of dancing lessons to pay for--thanks to easy credit. Starting married life with a 3 year old child left us little time to get acquainted, and I had a difficult time putting it all together after my tossed salad life style. It was almost more than an engineer (by profession), Marine (by training), and German (by birth) could take.

If you'd put things back after you get them out, you'd know where they are the next time you need them.

If you'd not take everything so seriously, you'd be more fun.

He saw in me an easygoing manner, and I saw in him the ability to organize--areas in which we each wanted to grow. Years later our daughter was to write an English theme entitled "Opposites Do Attract," but at that time we were too miserable to allow that attraction to surface.

While Tony was in the Marine Corps, we moved around a lot, and I always worked at the local radio or TV station. I should have been happy, but I was depressed, miserable, and angry.

I had expected marriage to cure all my problems, but it only magnified them with angry flashes of lightning brilliance.

The tornado inside of me carried over into my job. I didn't really want to work away from home, but when I stayed home I was bored and had no money to call my own. Besides, the prestige of my own radio or TV show fed my ego.

We sought happiness outside of marriage--in our social life, in our possessions, our children; the empty happiness which comes from seeing how many times you can get your picture in the paper through position, power, and prestige.

But the nagging emptiness inside of me remained. It argued with its unknown tormentor.

Get your life straightened out.

But we go to church all the time, my threatened conscience would reply.

I taught Sunday school, Tony was a trustee on the building committee and served as church treasurer, and we both helped with Vacation Bible School. Even the minister joked about the death of some of his members-- They starved to death, he would say, from attending all of the meetings! With the whirl of activities and the meaningless round of social events, church had become just like any of the other clubs we belonged to.

We studied on Sunday that God is love and love is giving, yet I was only interested in getting.

Now I’m supposed to adapt myself to my husband. But how could I, a former board member of the Women's Political Caucus, accept that?

Meanwhile, I had finally become an expert at something--I could criticize.

In public I was vivacious, outgoing, the public relations director for the human race. But at home I brightened up the room when I walked out. And when I was being mean, I couldn't allow my husband to be the nice person he really was. My attitude toward Tony and our marriage had changed him from a warm, loving individual to an old grouch. But I felt justified because he seemed to be so cold to me. (I would lie on my side of the bed at night, hoping he would make the first move. Wasn't the husband supposed to be the aggressor?)

The cavity of emptiness inside me was getting huge. It wasn't that we didn't talk. I complained that he didn't. He said he would talk more, but he hated to interrupt!

The downward spiral continued until Tony moved out, and I filed for a divorce.

For two weeks during that time I sat in a stupor. It occurred to me the way things were going I could go from divorce to divorce to divorce. In fact, at our wedding my uncle had said, We'll have this to go through again. Would we?

I was reminded of the mother who was watching the school drill team perform when she said, Look, everyone is out of step but my son! I felt like that son.... except that when everyone was out of step but me, I began to wonder about ME! My first marriage ended and the second one was dying because I couldn't cope with the problems, situations, challenges, and obstacles. That day when I looked at myself in the mirror I knew I was in the eye of the tornado. I was in a trance while the debris of my life swirled around me.

I had expected Tony to give me all I wanted, to be my one, sure, straight path to happiness. But did I have a choice? I wondered, Is there an alternative to this cycle of excited love, disappointment, anger, disgust, apathy, divorce? I pondered the question many times.

I asked myself and God, Why did I get married?

Have you ever wondered that? Have you ever wondered why you got married? Was it a search for love, romance, or sex? Or was it because of restrictions, school, poverty, pregnancy, or rebellion? Was it because everyone else was getting married, or was it truly love? Was it politically or socially advantageous to marry, or was it an escape from home life because parents were:

*Alcoholics

*Against marriage

*Against you (you thought)

Or you were:

*Raised in an orphanage

*Raised by grandparents

*Raised by step-parents

*Raised by neighbors

Are we blaming someone else for our marriage failure? Who wins the Blame Blotter of the year award? Does the need to change start with them or with us?

Do you wonder how you got to where you are now? How could you have dated, dreamed of, and maybe had children by that two-headed gargoyle you're tied to now?

In management courses at McClennan Community College I taught my Analysis-Action system for problem solving. It works in a marriage situation just as well as it does in solving business-related problems.

In the following text begins the Analysis-Action section for this first chapter. It contains forms which make it simple to analyze (examine and think out) where you've come from, where you are now, and where you're going with different areas of your life that affect you and your marriage. This How-To procedure gives you a blueprint for exploring your career, your pocketbook, your possessions, your children and your marriage. You may begin by analyzing your marriage.

I call the Analysis-Action (A-A) the Chrysalis stage; i.e., the stage of Change.

The Reader's Digest Great Encyclopedic Dictionary defines Chrysalis, in addition to being the capsule-enclosed pupa from which a butterfly develops, as anything in an undeveloped or transitory stage.  The World Book Encyclopedia says, "It's a stage of development or change.

In order to change, we use a technique which companies use in decision-making and problem solving, a technique I taught in college management courses and with Executive Development Systems. You can use this system as individual, because being a human being is a business similar to any business up and down the street.

You have certain assets:

1.  Knowledge - this encompasses all of the training, ability, and education you bring to this point.

2.  Vitality - your stamina and liveliness where you can get going in your daily living.

3.  Laughter - you have a sense of humor to cope with daily challenges.

4.  Time - not the number of hours in a day, but the way you take those hours and use them for you!

5.  Imagination - your creative, innovative flair and talents that anticipate your situations, opportunities, and challenges and how they will work out for you.

6.  Persistence - the capability to keep on keeping on.

And then the one thing that makes us unique as humans, our Creator gives us the power to:

7. Choose - we may choose how we spend our time, talent, and energy. These decision-making and problem- solving techniques follow.

ANALYSIS-ACTION

Part One

1.  Recognize you have a problem (you may want to drop the word problem from your vocabulary…make it situation, opportunity, challenge, etc.)

2.  State the problem:

3.  Define it more specifically (our marriage isn’t so great; we take each other for granted, etc.) 

4.  List all possible solutions (spend 10 minutes.)

5.  Pick the best solution.

6.  Set up your number one priority and move forward.

Yes, it is scary, BUT YOU CAN DO IT. You’ll be given a chance to make a promise to yourself starting today.

ANALYSIS-ACTION

Part Two

Chrysalis Stage

Her Analysis

MARRIAGE

(Now list your own analysis of your marriage. Use more sheets if necessary, and see how good it feels to have it out in the open.)

ANALYSIS-ACTION

Part Two

Chrysalis Stage

His Analysis

MARRIAGE

(Now list your own analysis of your marriage. Use more sheets if necessary, and see how good it feels to have it out in the open.)

Your evaluation will be your own and not for anyone else to evaluate or judge because you were not born into this world to live up to my expectations, or someone else’s. Nor was I born into this world to live up to your expectations. But we each are placed on this earth and given life for a specific purpose. Each of us was given talents by our Creator. He gave them to us to develop and through development to bless others. That’s our reason for being, and you and I are the only ones who can accomplish our particular tasks, achieve our God-given goals. Today you are exchanging a day of your life for what you are exchanging a moment of your life by reading them.

How do you start working toward solutions of your own? Decide what you can do today.

Set this into a promise to yourself:

Chapter Two

I Search for Happiness In my Children

Our dachshund puppy had gotten into some poison, and we had taken her to the veterinarian. As I was explaining to our teary-eyed daughter that a veterinarian was an animal doctor, she became very quiet. She simply watched in awe as the doctor worked on her pet. On the way home, the silence was broken when she said with eyes wide in wonder, That animal doctor looked just like a MAN!

Communication!

It wasn't any easier talking with my children than it was with my husband. He and I were seldom on the same wavelength either. How could I be a radio announcer, conducting daily interviews with people and yet hardly be able to communicate with my own family?

At least my daughter, Dee, got a clear communication about my desire for her success.

You've probably heard stories of famous stage-mothers. Although I didn't know it at the time, I probably was one. I wanted my daughter to be on radio. By the time she was three years old, she was accompanying me to the station. One day she was playing with my car keys while I was on the air. She stuck one of the keys into an electrical socket -- immediately knocking the radio station off the air! The force kicked her across the room, but the amazing thing was she was not injured or harmed in any way! She was perfectly all right. Yet, it didn't deter me from wanting her to be at the station to make radio commercials -- which she did (successfully).

It didn't really matter that she was not playing with other children. I wanted her to be doing the commercials. I wanted to brag to my bridge club, church, and family that she was doing the ice cream or carpet company commercials. That was my reward. Later at age eight she was on television singing and modeling. It didn't occur to me to ask her whether she wanted to or not. I needed that recognition...for me! Even though I was on radio, too, I felt I was never quite good enough. But she would be! My marriage was so boring, with such a lack of communication, that I lived out my life through my daughter.

The paternal grandparents kept our second daughter occupied much of the time. Even though Tony had adopted my daughter by my first husband, there was a difference shown in the way she was treated. It was like an unspoken warfare at every moment of the day.

For Christmas the younger daughter would get an opal ring or something else of significance, and the older one might get a coloring book, or some other insignificant thing.

Despite this friction, our search for happiness continued to surface in our efforts to have popular, beautiful, and talented offspring. To facilitate this effort, we even moved into the best neighborhood possible -- one with doctors, dentists, architects, and business owners. Everyone in the neighborhood had much greater incomes than our own. Though our children ran around with the doctor's kids (which was what we wanted), we were always broke. When our daughters wanted to be cheerleaders, we couldn't afford the $150 for the outfits because of our big house payment.

We had enrolled them in baton classes at age three and in acrobatics at age four. Later they took piano lessons. It didn't matter that we couldn't afford all these things...everyone else was doing it, so we had to do it too. The girls cried, saying they didn't want to take the lessons, but we plodded on, determined that they would get all of the advantages  we hadn't had.

Were we taking giant step after giant step going progressively backwards? We enrolled the girls in a private school. When they were in elementary school, we pushed them into community theatre, Brownies, and Bluebirds. In junior high, it was the precision drill team, choir, Girl Scouts, voice lessons, in high school -- everything that was offered for them.

It was the same with our son. I remember one conversation over a new shirt in which he said, No! I don't want a shirt like that. I might have to play what it shows. The shirt we were looking at was one with a football player on the front of it, and there was a look of fear on his sweet seven-year-old face. I thought of the previous year's football season when we had pushed him into playing tag-flag football. He hadn't wanted to play, but all of the other boys his age were playing. So we wanted Anthony to play too. How could a red-blooded American boy not like to play football! However, I did remember the coach was fanatical in his desire to win and took the game a little too seriously for seven year olds. And, all that candy the boys were supposed to sell! They had to sit on the bench if they failed to sell their dozen bars by a certain time. But I was so embarrassed when Anthony would not get into the game and fight!

And you know what? We mothers were vicious! If there is ever a group of people possessed, it's a bunch of mothers of children playing sports. Each mother sees only her star.

Our son would much rather have been drawing or making a model than being out there trying to compete in a football game, but when others asked if our son was playing pee-wee ball (or whatever the sport of the season was), we wanted to be able to say yes.

Many of us have been watching our children since birth and saying to friends through the years, Our son is going to be a doctor (lawyer, dentist, architect, singer, etc.). Many of us seize every opportunity to persuade our children into the profession WE desire for them with no regard for their wishes or their particular talents.

For instance, our friend Norman heard from the day he was born that he would become a doctor like Uncle Frank. He went through all the schools and was a doctor for ten years before he finally yelled,