10 - a Story of Love, Life, and Loss

By Barbara Heagy

10 A Story of Love, Life, and Loss is the true story of a couple in midlife who found each other and then, after receiving a cancer diagnosis, learned to face losing each other.

Over the course of ten years, Tom and Barb developed from long-time friends to lovers to committed spouses. In their tenth year, when Tom was given a terminal diagnosis of small cell lung cancer, he faced it head-on, saying, I wasnt given a death sentence. I was given a life sentence. The couples love for life and for each other carried them through a seven-month cancer journey with courage, perseverance, persistence, and gratitude.

This raw, emotional story is based on the authors journals. Its honesty and intimacy may inspire and uplift you as you trace their journey. Their story is a reminder to all of us to live life with gratitude and zest, fulfilling all our hearts desires in the time we are given.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Dec 9, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504341929

Barbara Heagy

Barbara Heagy is a retired teacher and present day writer, photographer, and traveller. Since the age of seventeen, she has been filling empty journals and notebooks with her thoughts, musings and life experiences while writing plays, poetry, essays, and stories that reflect life issues. Barbara lives in southern Ontario, Canada.

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Copyright © 2015 Barbara Heagy.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4190-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4191-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4192-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015915982

Balboa Press rev. date: 12/9/2015

Contents

Prologue

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Epilogue

Final Words Looking Back

Acknowledgements

About the Author

This book is

dedicated to the memory of Tom Heagy

and all members of the community of support that sustained us through our journey

10

1 is a beginning,

The first mark on a new page.

A simple bold stroke

Full of fresh intention and commitment.

0 is an ending,

A symbol for nothing, when all ceases.

And yet,

The full circle

Holds an entire world in its closed walls.

10 is a life, a story,

With a beginning and an end.

The final 0

Is our reminder that life

Is a never-ending cycle.

All has come full circle,

And it is time to begin again.

Prologue

10 Years

For years, I kept finding dimes - in the most unlikely places. I would get out of my car and there, on the driveway, would be a dime. I would step over a street curb in the rain, and in the gutter under the streams of storm water would be a dime. Doing the dishes at night, I would find a dime on the window ledge or waking in the morning to brush my teeth I would find one on the edge of the sink. As I waited in line at the grocer, I would look down and there, again, would be a dime, shining. I began to think that 10 must be a very lucky number for me. And so it proved to be.

Tom was an old high school friend. For years, we continued a friendship that spanned decades and distances as we each led our own lives. But on February 14, Valentine’s Day, 2001, he phoned and asked if I would be interested in going on a date. The seeds of a new relationship were planted.

Over the next decade, Tom became my love, my friend, my travelling companion, my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on, my sounding board, my golf partner, my camping buddy, my goofy guy. We had come together at a prime time in both of our lives. Our friendship grew into love, and love grew into marriage. He became Poppa Tom to my three grown daughters. I found that, in spite of knowing him for many years, I didn’t really know him. I didn’t know how sweet, how romantic, how generous, kind, and respectful he could be. People say I brought out the best in him, but the truth is he brought out the best in me. He taught me how to love someone with space in our togetherness that honoured each other and gave room for individual growth. It was a gentle love, a patient love, an adult love.

It was a love that spanned ten years of travel, fun, and adventure with family and friends. What wonderful memories we created together. I remember wildly dancing into the early morning hours at a casino in Las Vegas just after winning for the first time at the penny slots with bells and whistles and flashing lights. What fun we had fishing for croakers in Chesapeake Bay, tangling and untangling lines as we pulled fish in with our fellow shipmates. We sat at a sea-side table in Korea sharing fresh sashimi and soju and waded through Balinese waters as the sun set over a golden ocean. We honeymooned and snorkelled in Mexico, gathered sea glass on quiet shores in P.E.I., walked cobblestone streets in Old Quebec, and hiked beautiful limestone trails through the Finger Lakes in New York State. We shared rum and cigars at the Tropicana Club in Cuba and enjoyed Tony Bennett and other jazz greats at several music festivals. How special our wedding was with its butterfly theme and the release of twelve live butterflies that lingered in the sun for photographic moments. Birthdays and holidays were always celebrated with family whether it was a tasty barbecue at a relative’s home or turkey and stuffing around our own dining room table. We enjoyed sport events and many concerts, plays, and music, art and dance festivals. We were always ready for any new adventure or event. What a wonderful ten years it was.

In 2010, we were in the planning stages of a trip to Australia and New Zealand when Tom was given his cancer diagnosis. This is where 10 – A Story of Love, Life, and Loss, a true story, begins. Part journal, part memoir, part inspirational essay, the reader is invited to join us on our seven month cancer journey. May it be a source of hope and inspiration when travelling a difficult path in your own life.

Barbara Heagy

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I wasn’t given a death sentence. I was given a life sentence.

Tom Heagy

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May 6, 2010 - Journal

How does one react to such news? Your husband has a tumour on his brain. It is four centimetres wide. About the size of a golf ball. Tom and I sat, stunned into silence, as the doctor added more details. We are sending a copy of the CT scan down to a neurosurgeon at Hamilton General Hospital to have him assess it. He will, probably, want you to go to the hospital for surgery to remove it.

The silence in the room reverberated off the walls. Tom was able to ask a few quiet questions which the doctor answered. My mind registered nothing. Again, the silence. It began to consume us. The doctor looked earnestly at us. Do you have any more questions? How are you feeling to get this news? What are you thinking?

Tom whispered, So be it.

What could we do? The doctor got up to leave, and I quickly gasped out, I have questions!

He kneeled down in front of me and waited for me to respond. Are we talking about… about… c… c… cancer? I said, barely able to say the word. I didn’t even remember his answer. The dam burst, and a whirlwind of emotion spun within me.

The doctor left, and I followed him out, somehow getting through the door, down the hall, and out into the sunlight. I fumbled with my phone, fighting back tears as I made a phone call to my supply teacher. Hello… was all I got out before I broke down, sobbing as the news sunk in.

When I went back in the hospital room, Tom and I spit out our anger, remembering the visit three weeks ago at emergency when they decided he didn’t need a CT scan and that his problems were all because of high blood pressure. Hopeless tears coursed down our cheeks as we clasped hands and clung to each other, visualizing our marriage of not even four years brought to a close. A frantic financial discussion began. I pulled an old envelope from my purse and scribbled down details of hydro, gas, taxes, insurance, and mortgage payments, as Tom quickly gave me instructions before they took him away. If anything happened to him, I would have to take over all the finances and had no idea how or where or when or how much for Tom had always handled the daily bill payments.

He left by ambulance and I raced home to grab his already-packed bag (How did he know?) and called his sister, Bev, to give her the news and ask if she would come to the hospital with me. I called my daughter Lara and told her to call her sisters. Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll call Brittany and Maegan. Finally, Bev arrived, and we raced to Hamilton General.

At Tom’s bedside, we held each other up, while he was being put through the final assessments by a clinical doctor with no bedside manner. Hair pulled back tightly, clipboard in hand, she snapped out her information. He will go into surgery on a moment’s notice when the operating room is available. If pressure builds up in the brain before that, we may have to drill through the skull to relieve the pressure.

Later that night, I drove Bev home through a blinding rainstorm that forced us to pull over a number of times as a torrent of heavenly tears poured down from the sky. Finally at home, I entered the front hall and was met with a stream of water pouring