Christmas from the Heart

By Bard and Book

Too busy to escape the holiday craziness? Take a moment. Stop the Christmas chaos with a book of short stories wrapped in the true spirit of the season. The authors of Bard and Book Publishing have collaborated to bring you a special Christmas gift from the heart. You will return to nature. You will be kidnapped by Santa. You will travel to the source of all Christmas music. You will revert back into a high-powered marketing exec surrounded by morbid nonsense until you team up in an old dive bar with an ex who tried to mug you, and an orphan on the verge of homelessness, to defeat the inner Scrooge of the town grinch. You will rethink how you react to people based on your assumptions about them, and eventually your heart will be melted and fully prepped for reentry.

Stories: Meek and Wild by Graham Kell, Missing the Fair by Derek Elkins and family (illustrated), The Songwriter and the First Christmas: A Very Short Story by Chris Morrow, A Very Merry Cliché for Christmas by Derek Elkins, Treed by James Yarbrough, and The Big Wheel Blessing by Jamie Greening

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bard and Book
• Release date: Dec 8, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311834980

Bard and Book

Bard and Book Publishing represents an incredible new vision for connecting publishers, authors, and readers. How does it work? Those who subscribe to our reader community get access to every creative piece our authors generate, for as long as the reader maintains his membership- at no additional cost to them! The authors in turn receive the vast majority of the funds received by subscribers, allowing the readers to directly support writers. Moreover, the authors receive a share of all the revenue that the publisher receives, as well. There is no better publishing model in the market today for authors.The readers make out well, too. Not only do they receive 5-10 new short stories or poems each month and every 3-5 months the latest novel one of our authors has completed. That’s less then a dollar per book! Beat that! But we’re not done: in many cases, readers get to ‘watch’ as the stories are actually written, providing feedback throughout the process. For example, an author may make available installments of novels that they are writing and solicit comments.Readers get exclusive access to the authors in ‘member area’ only sections of the site and instant access to every work that has been produced by the author, past and present. Depending on the subscription plan the reader chooses, the reader may also get one or more soft or hard cover editions of BBP’s books, again, at no further cost to them, but also making sure that BBP isn’t a collection of ‘starving artists’!

Book preview

Christmas from the Heart

by

Derek Elkins

Graham Kell

Jamie Greening

Chris Morrow

James Yarbrough

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Copyright Bard and Book Publishing 2015. All Rights Reserved

Published by Bard and Book Publishing.

Website: www.bardandbook.com

Cover by Julius Broqueza.

Contents

A Very Merry Cliche for Christmas by Derek Elkins

Meek and Wild by Graham Kell

Missing the Fair by Derek Elkins

The Big Wheel Blessing by Jamie Greening

The Songwriter and the First Christmas by Chris Morrow

Treed by James Yarbrough

A Very Merry Cliche for Christmas

by Derek Elkins

Why must I be surrounded by incompetence like Darth Vader is surrounded by poor shooting Storm Troopers? Holly Clause screamed at the boardroom full of suited executives.

The executives, in response, shrunk down into their leather, ergonomically correct chairs as Holly stomped past them, continuing her tirade. Quite a few of them urinated in their trousers.

It’s as if the gods mock my very existence! They surround me with fools, muttonheads and nincompoops! Oh why, cruel world? Why?!

Suddenly she stopped and pointed a finger at a slick-haired boob in a dark blue suit and a bright red polka-dotted tie. You! You’re the cause of this!

The boob slipped down into his chair even further, attempting to evade the accusatory finger and play the midget. Me? I didn’t do anything.

Don’t play dumb with me. Holly moved in until they were nose to nose. You’re the reason I’m sinking in a quicksand of despair and hopelessness. What’s your name you waste of oxygen?

Bob Cratchley, the man squeaked from deep within the recesses of his chair, like a hamster belching into a tin can.

Well, Bob Cratchley, how do you explain this?

She removed her pointing finger, slipped back a few feet and thrust a two-foot stuffed grilled cheese sandwich, complete with arms, legs and a smiley face into Bob’s cringing snout.

Bob straightened up slightly, back on familiar turf once more and grabbed the grilled cheese man. But it’s Grilly, the lovable grilled cheese sandwich. Why, in seven out of ten test markets…

Test markets? Holly screamed, engulfing Bob’s face in a whitewash of spittle. I don’t need test markets to tell me this is this world’s stupidest attempt to market grilled cheese sandwiches.

Oh, I don’t know, said Bob as he absently made Grilly dance on his lap in a happy little Irish jig. Kids seem to like him and since kids are our company’s main customers, I just thought…

Holly whacked the grilled cheese man out of Bob’s hands, sending Grilly flying through the air to smack against a far wall, where it eventually slid down into the trash can atop several empty coffee cups and one really hairy muffin. Deliberately, she paced, swinging her arms like Bigfoot back to the front of the table before continuing.

Do you enjoy thinking, Bob? Is that enjoyable to you? Thinking? Does that make you a big man? When you were a kid, did you want to be a big thinker when you grew up? Is Socrates your hero, Bob?

Sure? He responded.

Holly rested her hands on the table, leaning toward Bob and the other executives like a sneaky fox about to enjoy a midnight snack of some smart talking rabbit, one who was apt to say things like What’s up, Doc? or maybe I must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Well I have good news and bad news for you, Bob. Which would you like first?

Bob began his downward slide again. Uh, good news?

Fair enough. Holly said. Tis the season of good will toward men and all that. Well, the good news is that you’re gonna have tons of free time for all your lovely little thoughts.

Bob’s eyes widened. Because you’re going to fire me?

Holly picked up a nearby glass and beaned it at Bob, where it ricocheted off his head, hit a nearby wall and fell into the trashcan, atop Grilly, soiling the grilled cheese man with some viscous fluid. How dare you ruin my good new, bad news joke! Just for that, you’re fired! Security!

Immediately, the doors to the room crashed open and two burly goons entered, carrying tasers and extremely bad attitudes.

Holly pointed a hideously accusatory finger at Bob. Escort this man to the door. He’s fired.

The goons gathered up the puddle of Bob, tasering him a few times for good luck, and dragged him to the door. At the door, Bob reached out and grabbed the doorframe for dear life, halting his forward progress.

Wait! What was your bad news gonna be?

Holly pondered for a moment. Oh yeah, you’re fired.

I kneeeeeewww iiiittttt! Bob yelled as he was dragged further down the hallway and out of sight, thank goodness.

Holly took a moment to pour her eyes over the remaining executives, who cringed away from her gaze like embarrassed antelope. "Now, let this be a lesson for the rest of you. No more stupid ideas involving a stuffed or cartoon grilled cheese sandwich. That was the third one this week and I’m going to kill the next one of