Coffin Island

By Will Berkeley

A Young Adult world of magic has spun out-of-control because a drunken janitor is running it. Old Havana in glass and The Rollercoaster of the Absurd await. The end of the world as imagined by a Flemish madman. A horned sextant with a paintbrush built that or not. Also these are pirate witches, “pitches”, not your average witches struggling against Professor Calico. Boo!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Will Berkeley
• Release date: Sep 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310187544

Will Berkeley

I am a Boston based fiction writer. I used to be a black belt in Tae Kwon Do which I earned from Billy Blanks before Tae Bo made him famous. That black belt was stolen along with my mountain of martial arts weapons in a break-in. You didn't hear about it on the news because I wasn't home. Never too late to roll weapons especially on crooks that steal black belts. What the hell! You can take everything else. You didn't earn that. Avi is me. Chris Sargent Photography credit.

Book preview

COFFIN ISLAND

Published by Will Berkeley

Copyright 2015 Will Berkeley

Chapter

Welcome to The Coffin Island School for Witches, she said. I am Madison Kidd.

I was standing in a castle. Flaming birds were flying out of the fireplace. Shadowy creatures were stealing glances at me from behind broken pillars. Some were human while others were animals.

This is Keiser, The King of the Wombats, Madison said. Keiser, this is Booster Boo. He is purported to be the most powerful witch in creation. However we shall see about that.

Call me Keiser, The King of The Wombats said and extended his gigantic paw. I save my title for royal occasions.

Keiser was an enormous wolfhound. His hazel eyes had an unnerving intelligence.

How are you, Booster? Keiser asked.

A portal to The Coffin Island School for Witches opened, Madison said. Booster got thrown through it by a goblin. And now he has to deal with a talking wolfhound that is wombat royalty? How do you think he is doing, Keiser?

He’s still breathing, Keiser snorted.

Is this my new school? I asked. The goblin mentioned something about this.

I got bad news for you, Keiser said and hooked his snout towards Madison. The meanest witch in creation is your roommate. And you can’t change rooms.

Roommates are magically fixed on Coffin Island, Madison said. Our bond cannot be broken. Death is a variable but room assignments are not.

There are many conundrums here, Kaiser laughed.

I thought the goblin was joking when he told me that I was getting a beautiful girl for a roommate, I marveled.

I’m terrifyingly attractive, Madison snorted. And I’m obnoxious about it.

The Coffin Island School for Witches is entirely coed, Keiser said. It builds character in the bathtub.

The goblin touched upon that, I said.

You wouldn’t think that it would work as a punishment but it most certainly does, Madison sighed. Privacy vanished about a year ago. Or perhaps it was just yesterday. Time cannot be calculated on Coffin Island. Some days we are running in reverse. Or time has come to a complete halt.

The hourglass has spun out of control, Keiser explained.

There is an hourglass on Coffin Island that controls time, Madison said. It has taken on a life of its own. Yet another bothersome Coffin Island variable.

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me, I said.

I tried to casually back away from the talking dog and the beautiful roommate but the castle began to vibrate wildly. I was thinking about dropping out of The Coffin Island School for Witches immediately. However The Coffin Island School for Witches had different plans for me. I felt like I was about to be dropped into some sort of vortex. I stopped what I was doing. The castle solidified itself nicely. Smart move, I thought. Don’t move in the land of witchcraft.

This part of the castle becomes a maze when we move, Madison said. We call it The Great Hall.

You can move everything but your feet, Kaiser said and batted his tail around.

I stood perfectly still. The Great Hall sounded lovely. What a great place to get lost for all eternity.

You can get lost for years, Madison said. The Great Hall delights in mazes.

There was a giant talking wolfhound? Time was out of control? My roommate was a beautiful girl? Flaming birds were flying out of the fireplace? There were shadowy creatures behind broken pillars stealing glances at me? Some were human while others were animals? The Great Hall moved when I moved? It delighted in mazes? I was looking back fondly on the real world. At least the witchcraft was confined to the house. Having to humor a few malevolent goblins was looking delightful. What to make of this fresh hell?

The Coffin Island School for Witches was witchcraft of the worst order. I was pretty upset about it. I could already tell that there wasn’t going to be much of a choice here. Freewill was right out the window. It was like having a goblin for a nanny. You just have to ride that horror out. At some point witchcraft will correct itself. Or it will just send you somewhere else. Descent was just another form of progress. That’s how witchcraft seemingly works, I thought. Of course I was wrong about that. Witchcraft was always out to trick you and doing a good job at that. That’s why they called it witchcraft, I suppose.

How do you like The Coffin Island School for Witches so far? Keiser laughed.

It’s a horror, I said. What are you an idiot dog or a comedian?

Kaiser laughed.

Nobody likes The Coffin Island School for Witches, Madison said. We are all prisoners here. It’s merely a question of degree.

Booster has the meanest witch in creation for a roommate, Kaiser said. The Great Hall delights in mazes. Magical creatures are watching his every move. I just want him to know that there are regular guys on Coffin Island like me. I’m just a regular guy that happens to be a dog. Woof.

Keiser laughed at his own joke. Then he barked like a dog. Dog was in his vernacular too. Why not be bilingual if you’re a magical dog?

Madison scowled.

I tried not to look too depressed.

Coffin Island is staffed by bewitched animals, Madison said.

I surmised as much, I said. This isn’t my first outing with witchcraft.

You thought goblins were a nightmare, Keiser snorted.

Silence, wombat, Madison barked.

Kaiser disappeared.

Where did Kaiser go? I asked.

The wombats can disappear, Madison said. They possess invisibility.

That’s the worst, I groaned. I hate invisible creatures.

After about the thousandth shower, Madison said. Your shame breaks down.

I envision it exiting me weeping, I said.

That’s about the size of it, Madison said.

I’m surprised they let us wear clothes, I said.

They tried to take them away, Madison snorted.

What happened? I asked.

We descended to such a level of savagery that they redressed us, Madison said. Now we can’t get them off. They’re magically attached.

Madison demonstrated how she couldn’t take off her clothes. What a disappointment, I thought. I was looking forward to that bath. Scrub my back a bit, will you, Madison?

You see, Madison said. Our clothes are attached to us.

They’re like a second skin, I said while attempting to pull off my school boy uniform.

For now, Madison said.

We may molt at a future point? I asked.

We’re snakes of sorts, Madison shrugged. I suppose.

We can slither around witchcraft a bit, I said.

There is a certain amount of freewill on Coffin Island that even witchcraft can’t suppress, Madison said. Let’s get the show on the fairy path, shall we?

Madison extended her hand. However I wouldn’t give her mine. I figured she would tear it off. Madison was ferociously beautiful. Witchcraft doesn’t wrap something nice in a package like that. Witchcraft was up to the usual. Madison was horrifically dangerous. I just knew it.

Also it sounds good in theory but do you really want to room with your fantasy? It’s unsettling to the nerves. You can’t have your fantasy magically attached at all times. You need a little distance from that fantasy. Then there were her clothes. They were not only a second skin. They were painted on for all purposes.

Madison caused a great deal of anxiety. She seemed like some sort of siren that had been designed to unsettle my mind. I was actually quite convinced of this. However she was real too. There was no denying that because I could feel that too. Witchcraft couldn’t fake that.

Madison really felt like my counterpart. Witchcraft wasn’t pulling a prank. However I couldn’t imagine why witchcraft would permit this. I surmised that witchcraft was helpless to stop it. Madison and I had always been on this crash course. So here we are? Fate has just marched up to greet me. Only it is in the form of an underwear model? Why not? I deserve as much.

However I was struggling with what to do next. Fate can easily be ducked, I suppose. But I didn’t have any moves in the playbook. I didn’t want to get lost in the maze of The Great Hall. I had caught a glimpse of that abyss. It was truly horrendous. Not for the amateur sleuth. That was for sure. The maze was hideous. You’re first step in a new world and you’re lost forever?

Witchcraft wasn’t playing nice. Not that it had ever had any manners in the past. It was an uncouth savage that you avoided at all costs. We all knew that. Sadly, I had been down this horrible road many times before. Typically at the dinner table when my meal would attack me. The goblin just forgot to take the life out of the beast we were proposing to eat. Dinner was typically quite the battle.

Strangely I was looking forward to seeing what was lurking out here on Coffin Island. It had to be truly horrific. Chilling was what I was thinking. This world is going to be chilling. Downright frigid, I bet.

Take my hand, Madison said. It’s the only way to keep from getting separated.

Where are we going? I asked.

Into the maze, Madison said.

That’s where we’re going? I asked.

Are you coming or not? Madison said.

I grabbed Madison’s hand. It was like grabbing a power line. My heart felt like it had been paddled. If we weren’t magically attached before we were now. It actually felt pretty good. I was magically attached to the hottest girl that I had ever seen. I wasn’t too terrified. It put the disturbed mind at ease. Or it heightened the terror. It was hard to pin down like all good witchcraft.

Madison was purported to be the meanest witch in creation. What’s there to be concerned about? She’s just your life partner for reasons that cannot be explained. An out-of-control force of the occult has put you together. It’s just a life sentence too. Stop freaking out. There is no afterlife on Coffin Island. Relax and enjoy the ride. You’re stuck with this forever.

There are plenty of chills and thrills ahead on this rollercoaster. Don’t let the occult piece stress you out. You’ll never get through all this madness if you don’t stiffen that spine. Let’s see what qualifies as higher learning on Coffin Island. Throw that black book at me. Rock it steady. I’m ready.

Chapter

We walked into the maze. The Great Hall expanded and collapsed with every step. The width and height of the hallways changed constantly. Madison walked us through passages that were continuously changing dimensions. The maze also offered countless directions. Multiple passages kept appearing in front of us. The passages seemed endless. I could see why they called it The Great Hall. It didn’t look like we were ever going to escape. Eternity in a maze simplified matters. You’ve just got to keep the rats running. That’s witchcraft for you.

Can we get out of here? I asked. It seems impossible.

It’s nearly there, Madison said. The maze will become inescapable on foot very shortly. The flaming birds are beginning to struggle. Look up.

Flaming birds were darting up and down the passages above us.

Are they trying to mislead us? I asked.

Perhaps, Madison shrugged.

Can the flaming birds escape the maze? I asked.

The wombats put me in the dungeon, Madison said. I taught myself how to fly. It was the only way that I could escape.

What does that have to do with the flaming birds? I asked.

The wombats had to bring them in to chase me down, Madison said. The flaming birds refuse to take instruction from them now. And the wombats can’t get rid of them.

What does that have to do with anything? I asked.

Witchcraft takes on a life of its own on Coffin Island, Madison said. It delights in confounding its creator. Witchcraft is a total disaster here.

Witchcraft is a total disaster here? I gasped. I thought it was a nightmare at home.

Why else would our parents escape to the real world? Madison asked. Witchcraft in the real world is a paradise compared to here.

How do we get back? I asked.

We have to graduate from three schools in this world, Madison said.

Three schools, I practically shouted. I don’t know any witchcraft. I’ve spent my entire life trying to ignore it.

Fire is the ultimate death for a witch, Madison said. Avoid the flaming creatures on the island until I teach you how to fly. Then you will enjoy tormenting them.

I don’t think so, I said. Don’t you have any better advice?

The hourglass is difficult to get adjusted to, Madison said. We don’t age and our hair doesn’t grow. We never eat.

It’s just as well, I said. I shudder to think what the food would be like here. It was absolutely appalling at home. Trolls should be shot.

It doesn’t cost anything to incarcerate us other than witchcraft, Madison laughed. I guarantee that’s free here on Coffin Island. Nobody would pay for it.

How do we get out of here? I asked.

The Coffin Island School for witches is a prison for witches, Madison said. What part of this are you not following?

My parents sent me to prison? I asked.

Witchcraft called you home, Madison said.

This is my home? I asked.

Think of it as a test, Madison said.

Has anyone passed this test? I asked.

Not recently, Madison said.

How long has it been? I asked.

Perhaps thousands of years, Madison said. Time runs forwards and backwards here. I can barely remember the real world anymore.

I groaned.

The Coffin Island School for Witches, Madison declared. Congratulations. It’s not as bad as it seems. And you don’t have a choice as I have already outlined. The Coffin Island School for Witches chooses you. Nobody would choose this dreadful place not even the wombats. What creature would want to live on an island with a coffin with their name carved upon it?

There is a coffin with my name on it? I asked.

Hence the moniker, Madison said. If you get killed on Coffin Island you will wake up in your coffin.

I’ll wake up in my coffin, I practically shouted. Is it buried?

Of course not, Madison said. We have a lovely coffin room.

I was beginning to think this place was run by savages, I said.

Sarcasm is a pastime here, Madison said. We delight in it.

I’m surprised witchcraft hasn’t warped that, I said.

What are you trying to ruin us all? Madison laughed. Fortunately witchcraft has its limits.

Or it enjoys irony, I said.

That too, Madison said. Do you have any bright ideas on how we might escape? Perhaps upend the authority of witchcraft briefly?

You need fresh ideas, I practically shouted. I just got here.

Just start throwing them out there no matter how outlandish they may seem, Madison said. Let me decide how implausible your ideas are.

Let me think, I said furiously.

You are clearly possessed with uncommon intelligence, Madison said.

What gives you that idea? I asked.

Lesser minds go mad upon arrival, Madison said.

I passed that particular test, I said.

There is an entire wing for the insane, Madison said. You don’t want to go there. It’s quite primitive.

I’ll try to be careful what I think, I said. We don’t want any of those mad thoughts creeping. Are you kidding me? This entire world is mad.

Witchcraft is the antithesis of common knowledge, Madison laughed. Approach everything on the angle and then change tacks. Witchcraft is a disaster. And it’s constantly evolving to confound. Don’t forget that. You must move fast before the situation evolves for the worse. Then you will be in a very tight spot. I speak from deep experience here. I’ve seen the very bottom of the bottomless pit. I escaped it. Not even the most furious witchcraft can keep me down. I’m a magical optimist of the highest order. However my murder victims don’t think that. They think that I’m a serial killer of the worst sort. It’s not right to bring human morality here. Nobody really dies here. I don’t care how painful your death. It’s just a temporary inconvenience. I delight in killing because it makes my point.

That’s a lot to process, I said. I’m just trying to appreciate the maze for right now. Holy horror of hell, are you sure there isn’t some demon sitting at the end of this?

I would have found it and killed it by now, Madison said.

Perhaps you’re it, I suggested.

The horror is you, Madison said. You’re the most powerful witch in creation.

That’s an unpleasant thought, I said.

The maze was continuing to unfold around us endlessly. It was pushing my mental limits. I was considering screaming in abject terror. I just didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my new roommate. She was so beautiful, you see? I had some devious plans that I wanted to implement with regards to her at some future point. She was also a confessed serial killer. You’ve got to watch your step around that even if your intentions are romantic. Madison was a bit of a maze herself if you paused to think about it. She was magically attached to me too. It was a bit tricky. It helped keep the physical maze that you were currently stuck in an optimistic light. It’s probably not your life that physical maze. That confessed serial killer that you’re highly attracted to is though. You’re holding her hand so you don’t get lost. How to approach that?

I’m not getting alarmed, I lied. It’s just another day on the black sand beach of witchcraft. Living under the volcano is no big deal. Bring on the lava. Dump it on my head, witchcraft.

That’s the old attitude, Madison said. Don’t let witchcraft beat you down. It wants you to quiver in your winged jackboots. Don’t let it.

We’re at war with the occult? I gasped.

No prisoners, Madison confirmed.

Then I just flat out folded. Sometimes that’s what the gambler has to do. Throw those cards right down on the red felt.

I don’t want to be in The Coffin Island School for Witches, I said. How do I get kicked out of here?

This is the only school that you can’t be expelled from, Madison said.

You’ve tested the limits? I asked.

Yup, Madison said.

Chapter

Are there any other options for instructors on Coffin Island? I asked.

What do you want? Madison laughed. An elderly mentor with a bubbling cauldron to teach you the dark arts instead of me?

That might be nice, I said.

Witchcraft is a power that resides within you, Madison said.

How do I get to this power? I asked. I’ve spent my entire life trying to ignore it.

You tap into it, Madison said.

What if I can’t tap into it? I asked.

It will tap into you, Madison said.

What if I don’t want it to? I asked.

You’re purported to be the most powerful witch in creation, Madison snapped. Who do I have to kill to convince you?

Is this your way of telling me that you’re going to kill me? I asked.

You’re too powerful, Madison said. I would have already killed you by now.

You would have already killed me by now? I asked.

You’re more powerful than me, Madison said. You can kill me if you like. I have never experienced the coffin room.

Is it a gruesome experience? I asked.

Let’s find out, Madison said. Kill me now.

I think we’ll just keep walking in this maze for now, I said.

You prefer that I attack you? Madison grinned.

Why would I prefer that? I asked.

If we attack a more powerful witch our power backfires, Madison said. It’s like committing suicide.

Witchcraft believes that some witches are better than others? I asked.

It demonstrates the fact, Madison said.

I’m not surprised, I said. I hate witchcraft. It’s vile.

It likes you, Madison said. You’re purported to be the most powerful witch in creation. It’s a wonder that so much power would reside in you. You’re just too well balanced. No offense.

None taken, I said. I take great pride in not being crazy.

I don’t think that witchcraft can control how the power is dished out, Madison said. There are some things that are just innate. Or they are beyond explanation. God gives it out.

You believe in God? I asked.

Coffin Island demonstrates the fact, Madison said. This whole world is just some sort of theoretical platform that our examiners only partially control.

A theoretical platform, I gasped.

You keep forgetting that this whole world is a test, Madison said. We must get to the next world and the one after that. Then we are permitted to renter the real world.

Whoever did this to us should be shot, I said.

What do you think that I’m going to do when I get out of here? Madison asked. You’ll have murder in your heart too.

I already do, I said.

They do this to us to incense us, Madison snorted. It works too.

Who told you that I was the most powerful witch in creation? I demanded.

A goblin, Madison said. Who told you?

A goblin, I said. See, I rest my case. I am not the most powerful witch in creation.

On the contrary, Madison said.

Goblins are liars, I said. Everyone knows that.

Not on Coffin Island, Madison said.

How do you know that? I asked.

Coffin Island delights in confounding common knowledge, Madison said.

That’s not enough proof for me, I said.

I can feel your power in my bones, Madison said. Can you feel mine?

Yes, I admitted. You feel insanely powerful. It’s quite unsettling actually.

How do you think you make me feel? Madison snorted. You’re more powerful than me. It’s terrifying to hold your hand. But I like it. I like it a lot. It’s too the point that I may just never let go.

Terror is a form of romantic attraction here? I gasped.

Everything is screwy here, Madison snorted.

Except for the things that witchcraft can’t invert, I said.

You’re getting the hang of it, Madison laughed.

You’ve just got to open your mind to new types of horrifying experiences,