A Funny Thing Happened on My Way Through the Bible

By James Larson

This is a collection of Biblical stories from about four thousand verses, which have been paraphrased in today’s language by the author. These stories highlight the humor, tragedy, and uniqueness from the Scripture in such a way you probably never heard of or even thought of before. All are respectfully presented by the author with commentary and sometimes questions that you will find sometimes amusing, and sometimes almost unbelievable. Hopefully this book will pique your interest and curiosity and make you stop and think more seriously about God’s Word than you ever have before. My greatest desire would be that this book will help launch you on the adventure of reading the Scriptures every day.

• Language: English
• Publisher: James Larson
• Release date: Jul 27, 2015
• ISBN: 9781460266915

James Larson

James Larson has authored three previous books: "I Survived the Holocaust", "A Quest to Find the King of Kings", and "A Funny Thing Happen to Me on My way Through the Bible." A 1965 graduate of North Central Bible College in Minneapolis, MN, and an ordained minister, he has devoted his life to the study of the Bible and has been involved in pioneering and pastoring churches, as well as teaching the Scriptures for over fifty years. James owned and operated an engraving business in Dallas, TX, for over forty years and also served as a Nursing Home Administrator for nine years. James and his wife Lois have been married for over forty-three years and have three wonderful children and nine delightful grandchildren. They currently live in the country near Paris, TX, where James spends his time in retirement writing books, hunting, and fishing.

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A Funny Thing Happened on my Way Through the Bible

By James L. Larson

Copyright 2015 James Larson

Table of Contents

I OLD TESTAMENT

Chapter 1 – Genesis

Chapter 2 – Exodus

Chapter 3 – Leviticus

Chapter 4 – Numbers

Chapter 5 – Deuteronomy

Chapter 6 – Joshua

Chapter 7 – Judges

Chapter 8 – Ruth

Chapter 9 – I Samuel

Chapter 10 – II Samuel

Chapter 11 – I Kings

Chapter 12 – II Kings

Chapter 13 – I and II Chronicles

Chapter 14 – Ezra

Chapter 15 – Nehemiah

Chapter 16 – Esther

Chapter 17 – Job

Chapter 18 – Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon

Chapter 19 – Isaiah

Chapter 20 – Jeremiah and Lamentations

Chapter 21 – Ezekiel

Chapter 22 – Daniel

Chapter 23 – Minor Prophets

Hosea, Joel, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Zechariah, Malach

II NEW TESTAMENT

Chapter 24 – The Gospels:

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John

Chapter 25 – Acts

Chapter 26 – Epistles:

Romans, I Corinthians, II Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, I Thessalonians , I Timothy, II Timothy, Philemon, Hebrews, James, I Peter, II Peter, I John, III John, and Jude

Chapter 27 – Revelation

Conclusion

Other Books by This Author

Author's Note: In paraphrasing each scriptural reference, the entire passage will not necessarily be covered, because some dialog is not pertinent to the story.

A Funny Thing Happened on my Way Through the Bible

Introduction

In reading the Bible daily for the last sixty years, I've experienced many humorous moments. There are multitudes of stories that defy logic, and are so unbelievable, I have found myself amazed, amused, astonished, appalled, and awestruck. Those are just the adjectives beginning with a. Too often people read or listen to the Bible with a pious, sanctimonious, or fearful attitude rooted in a skewed concept of God and His Word. Did you ever fear that God would strike you dead if you laugh aloud at something that struck you funny? Have you questioned things you didn't understand and then just brushed them aside, thinking, Well, that doesn't make sense, so I'll just ignore it?

People get confused as to which Scripture should be taken literally, and which figuratively. While reading some passages, you might think, That didn't really happen, did it? On the other hand, the stories we've read in the Bible happened so long ago, it seems as though it didn't really happen at all; time diminishes the sense of reality, much as we view some history. The longer ago it happened, the more removed it seems, and we become less able to relate, or even stop believing it ever happened.

Stories of mythology thread through our culture in so many aspects; consequently, when we think about them, we know that they are not historical truth or fact. The danger for us is to relegate Scripture partially or in whole into the realm of mythology.

Another problem as I see it, is Biblical teaching done by uninformed, or misinformed people. We believe what people teach us, which is not always the truth. If everyone agreed on the interpretation of every passage, there would be only one church denomination today. My attempt in this book is not to straighten out everyone's doctrine, that's already been tried – and failed. My objective is to relate passages, pointing out the humor, uniqueness, or absurdity found there. Instead of just skimming over the Word, this book should make you think, and think deeper than you ever did before. Don't be afraid of seeing something that will puzzle you, maybe even make you angry. We probably have preconceived notions about many things in the Bible, because we look at Scripture though the lens of what we our teachers taught us, with all the possible errors, distortions, and deletions.

After reading this book, you may have to admit and say, "I never saw that in the Bible before!" There are numerous ways to read the Bible. One season in my life, I would start at Genesis and read exactly one hour a day and then stop, picking up at that point the next day. The problem I found was that I was just marking time, and not really panning the gold. Problems I had were sleepiness, as well as not being able to remember what I just read. Reading religiously, that is to say, just get through it, mark off the time or the chapter, robs one of the rich truths and life-changing principles.

Familiarity is another issue, because a story you have read or been told so many times, it loses its freshness, reality, and relativity. The edge is gone, and we assume that we already know the facts and even the interpretation of the passage. You may have heard sermons using Bible stories by preachers who masterfully enhanced, and clarified the events, and to your enjoyment, brought them down to where you live today. You were inspired and amused as you heard stories brought to life to heighten your emotion.

One of my motives for writing this book is that it might become a jump-start for your regular Bible-reading habit. Many people have attempted daily Bible-reading, only to give it up due to boredom, misunderstanding, or just lack of discipline. Now we can view fifteen television commercials on TV flashed in our face every sixty seconds, and at the same time, send and receive texts on our smart phone, and talk to someone in the room – all at the same time! That may be why we are distracted or bored so easily when reading the Bible. Our attention span prevents us from focusing on anything for very long.

You may wonder why I included some stories and left out others. Obviously, there would not be room for everything, so I chose what I thought best represented most books in the Bible. A few books were not included for various reasons, mainly, the story was in another book e.g. the Gospels. Remember, this is only a collection of excerpts of stories, laid out in abbreviated form, in my paraphrase dialogue, not an exegesis of Holy Writ. The intention of my commentary, sometimes preceding the passage, sometimes following it, is to point out the humor, raise some questions you may never have dared to ask, and to enhance the meaning. My intent in many of my questions is to put you, as much as possible, into the story instead of skimming over things not understood, or having read the passage so many times so as to mistakenly think we know all there is to know about it.

Recently, after completing this book, I was reading to my wife the daily portion in our journey through the Bible when I noticed something that had escaped me, or more likely, I had forgotten. I told my wife, I'm going to have to insert these verses into my book before it goes to the publishers! To complete reading the Bible in one year, we have been reading the Yearly Bible, and more recently, listening to it on the web, for almost twenty years - a habit I highly recommend. Each day's reading includes portions from the Old Testament, the New Testament, a section from Psalms, and a few verses from Proverbs – a balanced diet! The Yearly Bible is available in many translations, both written and audible.

Let me share a word about translations. Considering the multitude of modern translations available today, one is left trying to decide which one is the most accurate, and understandable. Some people even have the prejudiced view that, If the King James was good enough for the Apostle Paul, then it's good enough for me! Obviously, Paul has been dead for some time when the Authorized, King James Bible came out in 1611 AD. Many people have the mistaken idea that modern translations were merely revisions of the King James Version, but that is not true. Multitudes of scholars who have devoted their lives to bring more understandable versions of the Scripture have translated from the most original manuscripts of Hebrew and Greek texts available. Meanings of words are constantly changing in our language, so to get the most precise meaning today, one has to depend on recent scholarship. One of the blessings of the King James Version is its familiarity. Most of the Bible verses we have memorized since we were children have been in King James Version, which thrills us every time we hear or recite them

Unfortunately, we can sometimes fall in love with the wording - not the meaning. Have you ever said, Our pastor really preached a great message last Sunday, I was so blessed! However, when someone asked you the Biblical text, the sermon's theme, or the application the pastor made, you would have to admit you couldn't remember any of that. If Scripture is not clear, relevant, and life changing, then what's the point? Just read your favorite poetry instead!

I have access to many translations and have my favorite ones, but for this book, I decided to do my own paraphrase rendition of the Scriptures. I took a variety of translations, and re-stated the story in my words, using 2015 English vernacular. I have purposely left out details that seem archaic or redundant to get right to the heart of the matter. Let me be clear; this book is not a study Bible, and should not be used as a reference. I have drawn my understanding of the meanings (but not the direct quotes) from Hebrew and Greek words, as well as the King James Version, New American Standard, American Standard, The New Living Translation, Bible in Basic English, The Message Bible, and others to get the most understandable details of the stories and basically told them the way I would tell my grandchildren. For a comprehensive study of deep meanings and nuances of the Bible, you need to procure some of the most accurate translations as well as copies of the Hebrew and Greek languages and seriously compare and study.

In comparing the wording from one translation to another, I discovered in looking up the Hebrew and Greek words with their meanings, that there was much flexibility of meaning. In choosing which word to use, I diligently studied the original language words with their definitions and realized that the whole meaning was changeable because each Hebrew and Greek word can have many shades of meaning. We have the same thing in English. Just as an example, the word, lot. You could interpret it as much if preceded by the word, a, or you could say that it's a piece of property. If you were at an auction, a lot would be an item to be auctioned. How about some kids who were a noisy lot? In this book, you might find that Lot is the man whose wife God turned into a pillar of salt! Obviously, how the word is used in a sentence usually indicates its intended meaning.

Now let me give you an example in Hebrew from the New Exhaustive Strong's Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary, and you will see the challenge the Translators, and I faced. In Isaiah 19:8 the word, lament is used. Here is the Hebrew dictionary word and meaning:

Anah (aw-naw') - The idea of looking down or browbeating; to depress literally or figuratively, abase self, afflict, answer, chasten self, deal hardly with, defile, exercise, force, gentleness, humble, hurt, ravish, sing, speak, submit, weaken.

Roots of words expand into all kinds of complex meanings that can only be understood by the use of the word in its context. The surrounding gist of the story is essential in arriving at the best choice of words. Here's an example from the Greek:

The word, Spirit is pneuma (pnyoo'-mah); a current of air, i.e. breath (blast) or a breeze; a human spirit, God spirit, Christ's spirit, the Holy Spirit, the rational soul, a vital principle, mental disposition, an angel, demon, ghost, life, mind.

In choosing which word to use in my paraphrase I based it upon the most accurate and descriptive meaning I thought would do justice to the story. I love the Message Bible by Eugene H. Peterson for its colorful and provocative language that reads like a conversation in today's vernacular. I chose not to be that provocative, but to stick close to the meat of the story, sometimes leaving out details that the reader would assume. Instead of writing, Abraham, son of Terah, from Ur of the Chaldees, it was sufficient just to write, Abraham. In paraphrasing these stories from scripture, I will not necessarily cover every detail in the verses I am referring to, leaving out dialog that isn't pertinent to the story.

Even though this book highlights the humor in the Bible, I chose to include some of the tragic stories to illustrate the most impacting events found in Scripture. I relate some interesting and fascinating stories to point out the great imagination of God, and the unusual predicaments man finds himself in. I attempt, with questions and comments, to draw out the issues you may never have noticed, as well as some you have noticed, but hesitated to ask about. I want you to visualize each story, thrusting yourself in the situation, and go on the adventure! You can see humor, tragedy, or boredom in the Bible, your choice.

It has not been my intention in any way to trivialize the Scripture or create humor where there is none, or treat lightly the most serious literature ever written – God's Word.

OLD TESTAMENT

Chapter 1 – Genesis

Gen. 2:19 God made the animals and birds from dirt, and brought them to Adam and told him to name them.

We don't know why God didn't name them and tell Adam their names, nor do we know what language Adam used to name them. For that matter, who taught Adam his language? God said that whatever Adam named the animals, that was what it would be, nobody would argue about it! Adam didn't get any help from the animals in naming them, nor did he find any of them suitable as a help-meet.

He needed companionship – dog is NOT man's best friend! God put Adam to sleep (what kind of anesthetic, I don't know) and did surgery on his rib cage. He removed one (apparently, man is still missing that rib, or, maybe that's why wives are always ribbing their husbands!) God took Adam's rib and formed a woman. I don't think she was as skinny as a rib or Adam would not have reacted the way he did.

This is Adam's response when he saw this creature, in the Hebrew: Wayo mer haa! I can think of several other descriptions and exclamations when viewing a woman for the first time!

Gen. 2:23-25 At last! the man exclaimed. This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken from 'man.' This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Since Adam didn't have a father (except God) and Eve came from a bone, this passage obviously doesn't apply to them. Have you ever noticed that a little child can run naked across a room full of people and feel no shame or embarrassment?

Eve was not only the most beautiful woman Adam had ever laid eyes on but also the ugliest! She had this in her favor, though, he never compared her cooking to his mother's!

Gen 3:6-7 When the woman saw that the tree looked good to eat and realized what she would get out of it — she'd know everything, she took some of the fruit, ate it, and then gave some to her husband, which he ate.

Do women really want to know what's going on? Well, duh! Immediately the two of them did see what's really going on — saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves. Isn't strange that their nakedness didn't bother them, even when they were with God, but suddenly, they didn't want God to see them naked? So, let me get this straight. God made them naked and had no problem with their nakedness when He came down from heaven every day to take a walk with these two jaybirds! Didn't they think that God could see through those fig leaves? By the way, I think the fig was the forbidden fruit – what else would be the most convenient for them to sew their first wardrobe? Very appropriate, don't you think. Also, remember when Jesus cursed the fig tree in Mark 11 a few days before He was crucified? I think He was remembering that the sin He was about to eradicate on the cross, started with the First Adam (actually, Eve) when they ate the fig. God never forgets! Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord! That's just my opinion.

The Curse!

Gen 3:17,21 Adam, the very ground is cursed because of you; getting food from the ground will be as painful for you as having babies is for your wife; you'll be working in pain all your life. Afterwards, God made leather clothing for Adam and his wife. He dressed them.

After God dressed them, He chased them out of their garden paradise. That must have been quite embarrassing, after what they had done.

Gen 4:1 Adam slept with Eve his wife. She conceived and after giving birth to Cain, she said, I've gotten a man, with God's help!

This conjures up all kinds of questions. For instance, how did Adam and Eve understand the changes of pregnancy taking place in her body for nine months? How did Adam know how to deliver a baby?

Gen 4:17 Cain slept with his wife. She conceived and had Enoch.

Question: Where did Cain's wife come from? Obviously, Adam and Eve had some daughters, one of which Cain married – his sister. Cain was not only the first murderer, but also the first one guilty of incest, which obviously God permitted.

Gen 5:27 Methuselah lived a total of 969 years and died.

He was the oldest person recorded in the Bible. If you calculate the generations following his life, you will discover that Methuselah died in the same year as the flood. The question comes to me; did he die that same year before Noah started preaching and building theArkor did he die in the flood along with those who rejected Noah's message of repentance?

Demons Marrying Beautiful Women!

Gen 6:1-2, 4-6 When the human race began to increase, with more and more daughters being born, the sons of God noticed that the daughters of men were beautiful. They looked them over and picked out wives for themselves. Back in the days when there were giants in the land they came from the union of the sons of God and the daughters of men. These were the mighty men of ancient lore, the famous ones. God saw that human evil was out of control. People were consumed with evil — evil, evil, evil from morning until night. God was sorry that he had made the human race in the first place; it broke his heart.

Since the phrase, sons of God in Job 1:6 referred to fallen angels or Satan's comrades, it makes sense that God was not pleased with this union that produced giants.

Job 1:6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them.

Jude 6-7 I remind you of the angels who did not stay within the limits of authority God gave them but left the place where they belonged. God has kept them securely chained in prisons of darkness, waiting for the great Day of Judgment.

Giants were never God's plan, nor did they ever again occur in history, except Goliath and his brothers, which probably were of that same group of giants that led to God keeping them in chains. Notice, they mated with beautiful women, the default for most men. Their giant offspring were half human and half demon, not good for family holidays and reunions!

Noah, Evangelist, or Ship-builder?

Gen 7:12-14 Rain poured for forty days and forty nights. That's the day Noah and his sons Shem, Ham, and Japheth, accompanied by his wife and his sons' wives, boarded the ship.

My curiosity prompts me to ask, Why didn't they sleep on the ship while they were working on it? They had been building the ship for this reason, why stay at home, which was probably being flooded? Obviously, God had the right plan, no question about it. I would like to know how God motivated all those animals and birds to board the ship. In addition, did He arrange for one male and one female of each species (7 each of the clean ones, used for sacrifices later), or did Noah have that job? Gender selection may have been a challenge for some animals, especially birds. Another question: Noah and his family were confined together, so what did they do between the rain, the boat ride, and the waiting for the mud to dry? What did they eat, and what did they do during waking hours? Did they get cabin fever? Noah's calling was to preach repentance. When no one responded, God excused him from that job and told him to build a big boat, for which he had no knowledge or experience.

Job One, Noah – Reproduce!

Gen 9:1-3 God blessed Noah and his sons and told them to reproduce, prosper, and fill all the earth. All living creatures - birds, animals, and fish— will fear you and be under your dominion. All living creatures are yours to eat, just as I gave you all the plants to eat.

Here we have God's will revealed. He wants people to prosper, have many babies, and populate the entire globe. So much for overpopulation scares of recent years! It has been calculated that the entire world's population (7.13 billion) could be put in Texas (7.9 trillion square feet). This would give everyone 1,108 square feet to live in. That might be a little too crowded for you, so be free – spread out across the globe! We have plenty of room for many years to come.

Apparently, men were vegetarians before the flood, but now, God permits the eating of animals. He said man was to take authority over the animals, which have a natural fear of man. It is unnatural to fear animals. That doesn't mean I'm going to crawl into a lion's cage or wrestle alligators, though!

Gen 9:7 You're here to bear fruit, so reproduce! Live lavishly and bountifully on the Earth!

God wants us to enjoy his creation to the fullest! Be productive, don't be lazy, and don’t be satisfied with charity when you are able to work. The world is a bountiful, rich, creation – get the most out of it. Go places, see things, experience new adventures, learn new things, read a book, and smell the roses!

Rainbow

Gen 9:16-17 When I see the rainbow which I placed in the clouds, I'll remember Noah and the eternal covenant I made with every living creature on Earth.

Does God need a reminder sometimes, like the birthdays of my grandchildren recorded in my IPhone? No, He was just reminding man of His covenant that He had with him and everything living on the Earth; there would never be another flood. How many of us can explain the science behind rainbows? They are a phenomenon that God chose to seal His covenant.

Birth Control?

Gen 11:10-11 When Shem was 100 years old, he had Arphaxad, two years following the flood.

Why didn't any of the women get pregnant while they were on the ship, or in Shem's case for two years after the flood? What does that say about their love life?

Gen 9:20-25 Noah got drunk drinking wine from his own vineyard, and passed out, naked in his tent. His youngest son, Ham, happened to enter the tent, saw that his father was naked, and told his two brothers who were outside. Shem and Japheth then took an overcoat, held it between them, and walking backwards, covered their father's nakedness. They kept their faces turned away so they did not see their father's exposed body. When Noah later woke up with a hangover, he learned what his youngest son had done and said, Cursed be Canaan!

I have several questions about this story.

A. Why would a preacher of righteousness get drunk?

B. Where was Mrs. Noah at this time?

C. Why did Ham go into his father's tent to begin with?

D. Why did Ham tell his brothers about dad being naked?

E. Why did the brothers cover Dad? Why not let him sleep until sober and then get dressed on his own?

F. What apparent immoral act was Ham guilty of?

G. Why did Noah pronounce a curse on the family of his son, Ham?

There are certainly lessons to be learned by this experience – I just have some questions. It didn't seem to affect Noah adversely, since he lived another 350 years!

Babel

Gen 11:1-9 At this time people all spoke the same language. They all moved to a plain called Shinar and said to one another, Come, let's make bricks, and build ourselves a city and a tower that reaches to Heaven. Let's make ourselves famous so we won't be scattered all across the earth.

Then God came down, took one look, and said, One people, one language; why, this is only a first step towards creating their own god. Let's confuse their languages so they won't understand each other. As a result, they could not communicate with each other, resorting to babbling, so they called the place Babel. Then God scattered them all over the world, stopping them from building the city of Babel.

It would have been interesting to hear all these people as they began talking in languages they had never learned. They were hearing people talk in strange languages, and must have asked, where did you learn to speak that language? Think of the struggle people had in finding someone who they could understand; it isn't even clear as to whether the one speaking even knew the meaning of what was coming out of their own mouth. It must have been a challenge to put each language down in writing for the first time. Did everyone in an immediate family speak the same language, or did it split up families? Is this where English, German, Spanish, Chinese, and thousands of other languages got their start? Maybe you never asked these questions, but just consider the potential for confusion and misunderstanding.

Childless Sarai

Gen 11:30 Sarai had no children because she was barren.

Which is it, was Sarai sterile, barren, impregnable, inconceivable, or unbearable? Isn't it strange that Abraham's daughter-in-law, Rebekah, was barren, and his granddaughter-in-law, Rachel was also barren?

Abram's Half Lie

Gen 12:10-17 A hard famine in the land caused Abram to move to Egypt. As he drew near to Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, Look, we both know that you're a beautiful woman, so those people will want to kill me as your husband to get you from me. They won't kill me if they think you are my sister, so please tell them you're my sister.

When Abram arrived in Egypt, the Egyptians took one look and saw that his wife was stunningly beautiful. Pharaoh's princes raved over her to Pharaoh and took her to live with him. Pharaoh treated Abram well for her sake, giving Abram sheep, oxen, donkeys, camels, and servants. God struck Pharaoh hard because of Abram's wife Sarai; and everybody in the palace got seriously ill.

This story always puzzled me. Abram's scheme is totally illogical. First, how did he win the heart of such a stunningly beautiful girl, he being so dumb! When he made a deal with his wife to lie about their relationship, he totally ignored the reality that Pharaoh would take her from him and marry her himself whether she was married or not. Obviously, he thought more of his own safety than his wife's. When Pharaoh did take her, Abe didn't even object. He was willing to lose his trophy wife to save his own skin. Sarai, being his half-sister, was only a half lie, which is worse than telling a complete lie because it is more deceptive.

Oh, by the way, Abram ended up rich in the bargain – herds of cattle, sheep, camels, and donkeys, plus many servants. What a trade! One wife for all that! But, the plot thickened when everyone in the palace got sick. How embarrassing for Abram and Sarai to have to admit their lie! Here's the kicker: why didn't she get pregnant by Pharaoh? Now that would have really been the fly in the ointment! You would have thought Abe would have learned his lesson doing this trick, but he repeated the same scheme later on.

Gen 20:1-4 Later Abraham moved to Gerar, and while living there as a foreigner, it came time for him to introduce his wife. He said, This is my sister, Sarah. So King Abimelech sent for Sarah and had her brought to him at his palace.

But that night God came to Abimelech in a dream and told him, You are a dead man, for that woman you have taken is already married! Fortunately, Abimelech had not slept with her yet.

Abram is Rewarded Again for His Lie!

Gen 20:14-18 Then Abimelech took some of his sheep, goats, cattle, and servants, and presented them to Abraham, after returning his wife, Sarah, to him. Then Abimelech said, Look over my land; you can live any place you'd like. Then he said to Sarah, in front of witnesses, Look, I am giving your 'brother' one thousand pieces of silver. This is to compensate you for any wrong I may have done to you. This will settle any claim against me, and your reputation is cleared. Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech, his wife, and his female servants, enabling them to have children. For the Lord had caused all the women to be infertile because of what happened with Abraham's wife, Sarah.

It is mysterious to me that they believed all those women were infertile because of what happened with Sarah, but that happened in one day. Infertility can only be known over a period of many months.

Abraham and Sarah – Domestic Tranquility?

Gen 21:8-14 When Isaac was about to be weaned, Abraham prepared a huge feast to celebrate the occasion. But Sarah saw Ishmael— Abraham's son by Hagar, Sarah's slave girl—making fun of her son, Isaac. Turning to Abraham, she demanded of him, saying, Get rid of that slave-woman and her son. He is not going to share the inheritance with my son, Isaac. I won't have it! So Abraham rose early in the morning, took bread and water and gave them to Hagar, sending she and her son out to the Beersheba wilderness.

Upon Sarah's insistence, her husband Abraham impregnated Hagar, Sarah's servant, and now she is upset that the boy and his mother are making fun of Isaac? It seems that poor Abe is caught between his mistress and his wife, as well as between his two sons, who were half brothers. Pretty volatile situation, I would say.

Gen 21:19-20 Then God opened Hagar's eyes, so she could see a well full of water nearby. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink. God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skillful archer.

Now, Hagar takes her son Ishmael, with a little lunch from Abraham and strikes out into the wilderness with no plans to save her son or herself. When the food and water ran out, she wept in total despair. An angel heard her, promised a future for the boy, and immediately God makes water appear in front of her. Here is a question for you to consider. They couldn't live on water alone, so where was the food, and where did they go after that?

Bible Names for Your Next Set of Twins

Gen 22:21 Abraham had two nephews, named Uz and Buz.

Or you could name them after Benjamin's sons: Muppim, Huppim - found in Gen 46:21

Bride for Isaac

Gen 24:16-28 Rebekah was a very beautiful virgin and old enough to be married. She went down to the spring and filled her jug. Abraham's servant ran to her, and said, Please give me a little drink of water from your jug.

"Yes, my lord, she answered, have a drink. She quickly lowered her jug from her shoulder and gave him a drink. After she gave him a drink, she said, I'll draw water for your camels, too, until they have had enough to drink." Quickly she ran back to the well to draw water for all his camels.

The servant watched her in silence, wondering whether the Lord had arranged this to give him success in his mission. When the camels had finally finished drinking, he took out a gold ring for her nose and two large gold bracelets for her wrists. Please tell me who your father is and would he have any room to put us up for the night? The young woman ran home to tell her family everything that had happened.

In observing this situation, several things occur to me. There was a lot of running around! Why didn't Rebekah inquire as to why this servant was giving her such expensive gold jewelry? Did she think that this old servant man wanted her for a wife, or maybe a one-night stand? Evidently, money talks, for it not only got her attention, but Laban, her brother's attention. In that culture where marriages were arranged by parents, this jewelry was quite significant. This story is one of many great romance stories in the Bible.

Abraham's Second Family

Gen 25:1, 7 Abraham married another wife, whose name was Keturah. She gave birth to six children. Abraham lived to the ripe old age of 175, having lived a long and satisfying life. Who would have thought that a man that was too old to father children at the age of one hundred would father six more children, plus live to the age of 175?

Isaac and Rebekah's Family Problems

Gen 25:21-26 Isaac begged the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The Lord answered Isaac's prayer, so Rebekah became pregnant with twins. When she gave birth, they named the first son Esau, who was very red and covered with thick hair like a fur coat. Then when the other twin was born, his hand was grasping Esau's heel. So they named him Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when the twins were born.

Isaac was 40 years old when he married Rebekah, and they tried to have children for 20 years - all the while begging the Lord for a child. Finally, twins were born to them, one son was a hairy hunter and the other a deceiving, heel-catcher. Their boyhood rivalry went on for years, most notably over the first-born inheritance, called the blessing. Through Rebekah's conniving, she deceived her husband, Isaac, and took advantage of his blindness to give the first-born blessing to her favorite son, Jacob. That really gummed up the works!

The drama created when Jacob disguised himself as his brother in an attempt to trick his father, is intriguing and humorous. Jacob really took a gamble that his father would fall for it, or that his brother, Esau would not arrive in the middle of the charade and spoil everything. As the old saying goes, Oh, the tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive! Esau, like his father, married at the age of 40. But, Esau's wives did not get along with Isaac or Rebekah, their in-laws.

Like Father, Like Son

Gen 26:6-11 While Isaac was in Gerar, the men asked Isaac about his wife, Rebekah; he said, She is my sister. He was afraid to say, She is my wife. He thought, 'Because she is so beautiful they will kill me to get her.' But some time later, King Abimelech, looked out his window and saw Isaac caressing Rebekah.

Immediately, Abimelech called for Isaac and exclaimed, She is obviously your wife! Why did you claim her as your sister?

"Because I was afraid someone would kill me to get her," Isaac replied.

"How could you do this to us? Abimelech exclaimed. One of my people might easily have taken your wife and slept with her, and you would have made us guilty of great sin. Then Abimelech issued a public proclamation: Anyone who touches this man or his wife will be put to death!"

Isaac repeated his parent's lie, but in his case, Rebekah was not his half-sister. Is it not reasonable to assume that Isaac remembered that his father, Abraham had done this same thing years earlier? Evidently, Abimelech was too old to be tempted to take Rebekah, but thought one of his countrymen would take her. Isn't it interesting that Abimelech had more moral integrity than God's chosen man Isaac did.

Beginning of Islam- Israel Conflict

Gen 26:34-35 At the age of forty, Esau married two Hittite wives: Judith, and Basemath. But Esau's wives made life miserable for Isaac and Rebekah.

Esau then married the daughter of his uncle, Ishmael, and through those two, we have the Arabs, which has created the Arab/Islam-Israeli conflict continuing even to this day. Jacob’s parents, on the other hand, sent him to Haran to find a wife among his mother's relatives. He arrived at the same well that his mother found her destiny for marriage.

Jacob Goes Into Action

Gen 29:5,6, 10-12 Do you know a man there named Laban, the grandson of Nahor? he asked.

"Yes, we do," they replied.

"Is he doing well?" Jacob asked.

"Yes, he's well, they answered. Look, here comes his daughter Rachel with the flock now."

Jacob went over to the well, moved the stone from its mouth, and watered his uncle's flock. Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and he wept aloud.

Was he weeping because the kiss was so good, or that it was so bad? You be the judge

Laban's Conniving Trickery

Gen 29:16-29 Now Laban had two daughters, Leah the older, Rachel the younger. Leah's eyes were weak, soft, and tender but Rachel had a beautiful face and figure. Jacob fell in love with Rachel, and made a proposal to her father, I'll work seven years for you if you'll give me Rachel as my wife.

"Agreed! Laban said, I'd rather give her to you than to anyone else." Jacob worked seven years to pay for Rachel, but it seemed to him only a few days for his love for her was so strong.

Finally, the time came for him to marry her. I have fulfilled my agreement, Jacob said to Laban. Now give me Rachel so I can marry her. Then Laban prepared a wedding feast and invited everyone in the neighborhood. But that night, Laban took Leah in the dark to Jacob, who slept with her. When Jacob woke up in the morning—it was Leah! What have you done to me? Jacob raged at Laban. I worked seven years for Rachel! Why have you tricked me?

"It's not our custom to marry off a younger daughter ahead of the firstborn, Laban replied. Be patient and wait until the bridal week is over, then I'll give you Rachel for a wife also—provided you promise to work another seven years for me." So Jacob agreed to work seven more years. A week later, Laban gave him Rachel in marriage, too.

This raises many questions. First, why did Jacob agree to the offer of seven years? He should have asked Laban what the going price was for a bride, and then negotiated down from there. Second, he should have had a written contract with signatures, witnesses, photos, etc. so he could enforce the agreement at the end of the seven years. Third, he shouldn't have gotten drunk on the wedding wine that night. Obviously, he was too far gone when he consummated the wedding in the dark tent that night with the wrong sister. Suckered by his father-in-law into working another seven years should have been more evidence that Laban couldn't be trusted. Oh well, what can be said of a man head-over-heels in love?

War over Wives, Handmaidens, and Children

Gen 29:31-32 The Lord enabled Leah to have children for he saw that Leah was unloved, but Rachel could not conceive. Leah gave birth to a son, naming him Reuben, and said, The Lord has noticed my misery, and now my husband will love me. (This went on with more sons: Simeon, Levy, and Judah)

Gen 30:1-2 When Rachel saw that she couldn't produce children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She pleaded with Jacob, Give me children, or I'll die!

Then Jacob became furious with Rachel. Am I God? he asked. It's not my fault because he has kept you from having children!

Now we are seeing a typical domestic fight, starting out with jealousy of a sister, and then Rachel blaming her husband for her not getting pregnant. If it was his fault, then why did he not have any problem fathering four boys with her sister? Jacob's response was not the highest form of marital etiquette. Here's some advice to you men, don't lose your temper with your wife, and certainly don't blame God. Isaac implied that it was his wife's fault for God not giving her a child!

Gen 30:3 Then Rachel told him, Here, take my maid, Bilhah, and sleep with her.

Now Rachel tries the Sarai strategy. She should have known her family history better; giving your husband to a maid doesn't work out so well.

Gen 30:9-10 When Leah realized that she had stopped bearing children, she took her maid Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a wife.

Now, sister Leah makes the same mistake. There is no accounting for stupidity! But wait, it gets even kinkier. The sisters are now bargaining for sex!

Gen 30:14-16 One day Reuben found some mandrakes growing in a field and brought them to his mother, Leah. Rachel begged Leah, Please give me some of your son's mandrakes.

But Leah angrily replied, Isn't it enough that you stole my husband? Now you want to steal my son's mandrakes, too?

Rachel answered, "I will let Jacob sleep with you tonight if you give me some of the mandrakes (a vegetable possibly producing narcotic-like, or aphrodisiac effects)."

So that evening, as Jacob was coming home from the fields, Leah went out to meet him. You must come and sleep with me tonight! she said. I have paid for you with some mandrakes that my son found.

Was it worth the bargain? Don't you find it incredible that these two sisters fought over the privilege of having sex with the same man?

Gen 30:22-24 Then God answered Rachel's prayers by enabling her to become pregnant. She gave birth to a son, named him Joseph, and said, God has removed my disgrace, now may the Lord add yet another son to my family.

Satan cannot see the future, so did not know that this son, Joseph, would be the Deliverer for the entire Jewish race. Without Joseph, they would have starved to death during the seven-year famine, which came later. If Satan had known, he probably would have worked harder at keeping Rachel inconceivable.

Laban Cheats His Son-in-law Over Wages

Gen 30:31-36 What wages do you want? Laban asked.

Jacob replied, Don't give me anything. Just do this one thing, and I'll continue to tend to your flocks. Let me inspect your flocks today and remove all the sheep and goats that are speckled, spotted, or black. Give these to me as my wages.

"All right, Laban replied. Just as you say." But that very day Laban went out and removed the male and female goats that were streaked, spotted, or black, placing them in the care of his own sons, who took them a three-days' journey away from Jacob.

Then Jacob took some fresh branches from poplar, almond, and plane trees and peeled off strips of bark, making white streaks on them. Then he placed these in the flock's drinking water, for that was where they mated. When they mated in front of the white-streaked branches, they gave birth to young that were streaked, speckled, and spotted.

Laban's dishonest dealings with his son-in-law backfired on him, and as a result, Jacob became wealthy with huge herds while Laban's herd shrank. Poetic justice! After Jacob's herd became large, he decided to take his now large family along with his herds and return to his