Death By Unicorn

By Brian Gambale

Death By Unicorn is a comical look at the guilt-ridden breakdown of a former playboy and the strange lengths he will go for a return to sanity. However, he finds that sanity and happiness are sometimes exclusive and the only way to have both is to be who you truly are, regardless of the sacrifices and changes you may have to make.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 22, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483555669

Book preview

Two

Chapter One

The wooden ruler did not appear to be trembling in the darkness of the crowded bar, but John knew the right hand that clenched it was shaking with hesitation. He looked up and saw the young woman with the sparkling tiara bending over slightly, an expectant look illuminating her face. John faltered, looking at the ruler once more and wondering if it felt the same awkwardness in being forced to be used for something which it was not meant.

The girl who had thrust the ruler into his hand explained the situation once more with an annoying exuberance. C’mon, it’s one of the things on our scavenger hunt list. She flapped a piece of vomit-stained paper in the air like a policeman with an arrest warrant. We have to find a few random guys to spank the bride-to-be.

Yeah, I know but--, John replied haltingly. I don’t really want to do this. Are there any items on the list that have to do with cuddling or maybe I can crimp her hair or something?

Only a little while ago in his life he would have been more than happy to oblige—No guilt, no shame. But everything had felt strange lately. The numbers no longer seemed nameless and faceless. Things suddenly felt again as they did before the fire burned away the sense of touch from the naïve hand, teaching survival but stealing innocence. John couldn’t remember when it started but he knew tonight would not be the night that returned his world to the normalcy it knew for so many years. When he first saw the pure white veil on the beautiful girl before him he was moved and feelings of curious longing flickered inside, feelings he thought long dormant if not dead. He saw this woman bending over, someone’s princess asking to be spanked by strange men before giving her endless love in the bond of marriage, and he knew the world was trying its damndest to muddy his perception of romance once more. But the white veil was still there, struggling to cling to her head, and it had not yet let go.

Oh god, don’t be a pussy, slurred a third girl with ‘bridesmaid’ embroidered on the front of her t-shirt and a look of disgust embroidered on her face. Be a man

It’s the fucking con again, that bullshit misdirection they run, he thought as he listened to the drunken insults.

I’m not being a pussy, John replied. You know, this would normally be dirty and creepy.

But you are getting permission so you can help us with our list so stop being a bitch about it and just do it already.

Fine John said sharply, shaking his head. Then maybe we can crush up some oyster shells in mayonnaise and use it to exfoliate her asshole. I guess that is okay with permission too.

He didn’t feel any better about it just because he had permission but they had ignored his sarcasm and remained expectant. He walked closer to the bride but flicked the ruler using only his wrist. It was the type of strike you would use if you saw a fly on the wall and wanted to stun it to take it prisoner instead of kill it.

The girl with the list came over to John and forcefully pulled the ruler from his grasp. She looked at his other hand. Doesn’t look like you’ll have the balls to help us with the next item on our list either. John handed her the open jar of grapefruit marmalade cradled in his left hand.

I’ll do it. I’ll take care of it. The pushy bridesmaid turned to one of the men who had been standing next to John. His overlarge mouth was curled in a sly smile and he winked as he brushed past John. He looked like a salesman whose product was himself and he was ready to close. He had stood there watching his friend, ansy, unused to the hesitation. He didn’t understand what was wrong. The girl was fine with this happening and even her friends were inviting the outcome.

Go for it, Alex, John said and moved out of the way from the bride.

Alex grabbed the ruler and motioned for the bride to bend over. With a sweeping stroke, his entire arm cleaved the air until the ruler smacked solidly into her backside with a resounding snap. The bride uttered a muffled yelp and then joined her friends in cheering loudly, hands thrown wildly in the air.

Maybe your big, strong friend wants to spank the bride, the exuberant bridesmaid said as she walked past Alex to another man who had been standing a little apart from the group, watching the scene much like a billionaire would watch a ten dollar blackjack table. He saw the women saunter over and smiled uncomfortably as the pushy bridesmaid ran her hands over the solid muscles strewn throughout his athletic body.

What do you say? she asked, squeezing his bicep. You look like you can do some damage.

Oh, I’m all set, he responded. I’ll just watch my friends.

And he did indeed watch. On the surface, his friends couldn’t have been more similar. Average height, average builds, both good looking guys but neither what most women would fall over themselves to impress. Their outer appearances were altogether unremarkable both in comparison to each other and in their surroundings. Their personalities were not so different either. Yet there was something dissimilar. Something intangible. An undercurrent impossible to see by looking down into the ocean from the sky. But their outward actions gave away nothing, regardless of his observations, and tonight was no different from most. In all of his nights watching his friends and their successes with women, they had strayed little from their paths. They acted as they always did—Alex with utter surety and John without. Perhaps that is why he found Alex predictable and disinteresting but could not stop pondering John.

Don’t ask Chris. Those muscles won’t help. Based on his strikeout rate in college ball, he’d probably swing and miss her ass three times anyway, Alex laughed, Let me see the rest of this list and see if we can help you guys out with more.

Alex grabbed the list while John chatted up the girls as the awkwardness of the failed spanking had subsided. He congratulated the bride on finding love and someone special but found it difficult to look at the veil and soon turned to the other women. He had little interest in speaking with the scavenger list bridesmaid or the drunken bridesmaid but he found the maid of honor, Jackie, was friendly and had a warm smile.

So have you completed most of the list? he asked her.

Some of it, yeah, and I’m sorry we forced you to do that stuff she replied.It’s a crazy list but I want my sister to have fun on her bachelorette party. Sometimes it’s fun doing crazy stuff and I feel like that takes my mind off the fact my sister is getting married and moving on. I’m sad because I feel like we will spend less and less time together. I’m so happy for her, though.

I can help with number seventeen, Alex blurted, but number thirty one is going to be hard. Where the hell are you going to find a tree sloth?

John’s face flashed a smile when Jackie spoke of her happiness for her sister finding love, even at the expense of her own relationship with her. Jackie seemed to be caring and have an appreciation for love. For a brief moment, a hope kindled in him. Maybe tonight, he could be different. Maybe tonight, he would not feel the effects the strange affliction which had turned his life upside down in recent months. He only wanted to wake up the next morning without the anguish.

I’m sorry I didn’t do the scavenger hunt activity for you. I just never really think about treating women that way so it was hard to bring myself to do it.

We just want to have fun. It’s fine.

You know, with all the alcohol, vomit, marmalade, and tree sloths flying around, I’m surprised you still look so nice tonight.

Oh, yeah. I’m sure I won’t look like this later in the night

You will. I’m sure you always look nice.

Thanks, replied Jackie. John picked up on the tone immediately. She pointedly looked away and the failed expectations cut inside. She started watching Alex reading the list and pointing at crazy items to the other bridesmaid. She beamed her warm smile at Alex now and turned almost completely away from John, who knew the end was near and the crash inevitable, but still tried to save the plane.

C’mon, I’ll make up for my scavenger hunt faux pas by getting you a drink, if I may? It was the wrong time to ask, but he felt it no longer mattered and he already lost hope. He knew the strategy was to be more casual and witty for a bit, but his bitterness made him lose patience and he wanted to see the right results immediately.

Thanks, but I’m all set

Drinks aren’t enough to celebrate bachelorette parties, Alex interjected, let’s do shots.

Woooo was sung in chorus by the bridal party. They were not here to waste energy on mixed alcohol.

John, however, had begun inching away slowly after Jackie’s initial refusal, looking at her sheepishly as he retreated. It was not unnoticed by Alex who was apparently expecting John’s support in his endeavor to make new friends. He slithered over to John and looked at him confusedly. What the hell is the matter with you?

I don’t know, John responded. I wasn’t feeling it

Not feeling it? What’s been wrong with you lately? Look, while you were busy not being fun, I was talking to the other bridesmaid over there laying some ground work and doing some research. He pointed at a blond girl with a short bob haircut and a matching bridesmaid t-shirt.

Not being fun? So it’s ‘fun’ now to spank random girls asses like they are whores?

"YES! Alex nearly yelled in exasperation. And it turns out the maid-of-honor, Janice or whatever just got out of relationship after finding out her boyfriend cheated. This girl will be dying for any reason to boost her self-esteem. As long as you don’t fuck it up by continuing to act this way, it should be easy."

Is that why she was kind of bitchy when I was being nice and offering to buy her a drink?

Probably. She’s not looking to get romanced after getting out of a relationship. She wants a revenge-lay.

John grimaced. Well, I’m not interested. I’m especially not interested now that I know I’d only be getting any because of her issues and not because she’d actually want to be with me. Fuck that. I can do better

Better, maybe, but not easier

That girl needs emotional support, not a revenge lay. I don’t want to take advantage of her and her situation. I don’t need the charity any more than she does. That sounds more your speed.

Alex’s eyes narrowed and he looked at John strangely. Then he turned back to the bridal party who had been milling around awaiting word on the free shots. Go do more of your scavenger hunt and come back in a little bit. Then we’ll buy you guys shots.

The girls made promises to return before hooting loudly and wading back into the crowd. John and Alex watched for a few moments as they approached another group of men. He shook his head as he walked back over to Chris, who now stood near the wall shelf where both men had left their drinks. Alex began ignoring John and purposely turning his attention to scanning the crowd.

John, however, did not take his eyes off Alex. A stone wall—and not a single rock shows even the slightest hint of jutting out from the rest. A stone wall is unyielding, and so was he. No doubt existed, no questioning. He believed in all that he said and all that he did. A stone wall has no gaps, no holes through which to see the outside world and the people in it, so his world never changed. He had made up his mind on who he was to be a long time ago and no matter the change in weather or change in landscape, the wall remained and would remain. The only way to open the wall would be to move one rock at a time. It could not be beaten in nor scaled, as time had only served to compact the tones closer and smooth them so they could not be grasped from the outside.

There aren’t enough girls here. Why did you bring us to this kind of place? Alex asked Chris, I bet eighty percent of the earrings in this place belong to dudes. They need to get a bug zapper in here to take care of the mosguido infestation.

Chris did not pay attention to either. He had been tapping feverishly on the screen of his phone while they approached and now seemed to be waiting. The soft glow of the screen illuminated the tense anticipation in his face. No sooner had John finished than the face was creased with visible frustration.

What’s wrong? asked John.

I just got a text from Lisa, Chris replied, She’s gonna come here in a little bit.

What? Why? yelled Alex, You are a moron. We have a wild bachelorette party coming back for shots. It’s not like you are even dating. She’s just some girl you hang out with and hook up with.

I know, that’s why I’m annoyed. I didn’t ask her to come. I just told her where I was going tonight and now she just texted that she’s coming.

Just tell her not to come. How hard is that?

I can’t tell her not to come. She’d just get pissed. Besides, I do want to see her tonight, just not now or here.

I don’t get it, man. Why don’t you just date, as in a real relationship? asked John, You seem to like hanging out with her and even when you are surrounded by other girls you still want to see her.

Because I still want to have fun, ya know?

Sounds like you were going to choose her to end the night with regardless of whether she came here. So if you are choosing her over other women anyway then why are you not just dating?

"Because if there was a super hot girl here who I wanted to take home I would want to be able to"

But how many ‘super hot girls’ are out there that you’d even consider choosing over her, especially knowing your taste? So basically you’d choose Lisa over 99% of women out there. You really want to hold out just for that small percentage of possibility that you may do better?

Chris made a gesture with his hands like there was nothing he could do about the situation. I don’t know how I feel. I mean, that is where I’m at right now.

Don’t worry, Chris, John is just deflecting attention away from his own recent issues with women, Alex said, but it is still dumb to let her come here

Remember what we were talking about in the car? Chris asked. The question immediately elicited a collective groan from both John and Alex. Unlike Alex, Chris was a picket fence made of misshapen wood. It bent and groaned in the violent weather, pliable yet somehow did not ever manage to break apart no matter how much stress the elements put on it. It had small and uneven gaps between the wood panels placed shoddily by an architect who seemed unsure of the fence’s purpose, panels further widened by the elements, which provided a warped and piecemeal view of the outside world. Because of these semi-obstructed views, Chris had a penchant for constantly asking hypothetical questions to help him solve his own moral dilemmas. He had started asking one of these during the car ride to the bar until John and Alex were saved by a near accident that had diverted his attention. Now, the only potential car wrecks that could save them were having marmalade smeared on their asses somewhere in the crowd.

Okay, so you have this crystal ball, Chris began again with a sincerity that belied the absurdity of the question. Let’s say you find out you are going to die.

Wow, that is some crystal ball, replied John. Does it say I’m going to eat and sleep too? I hope you kept the receipt from whatever all-powerful necromancer sold you this piece of shit. John and Alex had decided long ago that the best defense against the hypothetical questions was to test Chris’ patience until he gave up the conversation. John wasted no time, hoping to end things quickly.

You didn’t let me finish, dick, snapped Chris, You are 59 years old, lets say, and you look in the crystal ball and it shows you that you will die at 60.

How do I die? interrupted Alex.

I don’t know, you just die of old age

At sixty? What am I, a goat farmer in ancient Greece?

Okay, you die of a disease, like cancer

Dying of a disease is horrible, John interjected. I want my death to be cool but still meaningful. I want to be impaled by a unicorn.

Unicorns don’t exist, Chris replied.

But magical crystal balls that tell the future do. I see. John countered. Yeah, I’m going to be impaled by a unicorn. Chris tried to interrupt but John ignored the attempt and continued. Everyone knows unicorns are always these pure and goodly creatures, right, but this one will get bitten by a rabid chipmunk and go insane. Then it will burst into a TJ Maxx and start tearing shit up and killing innocent people. I’ll be the old security guard there who is, like, two days away from retirement and I’ll confront the unicorn. I’ll pull out my piece and blast it, but it’s a unicorn so it will just laugh at my mortal weapons. Then it goes to charge a little girl, head down and horn out— John paused momentarily and the grin which had started with the story melted to nothing. "Well, it doesn’t mean to, but it’s forced to, because of the disease. It’s the disease. It doesn’t even know what it’s doing, really. But I jump in front of the innocent little girl to save her life and take its horn right in