Sleeping Better Together: How the Latest Research Will Help You and a Loved One Get a Better Night’s Rest

By Gerhard Klösch, John Dittami and Josef Zeitlhofer

Sleeping with a partner is often difficult: many people suffer from sleep disorders, and others have sleep preferences that can disturb their bedmate. This book is for every couple that has found it difficult to share a bed, argued about his snoring or her restless legs, or woken up to the alarm feeling tired and cranky. The authors first explain how sharing a bed affects sleep quality, well-being, and the happiness of the relationship. They then discuss factors that cause couples' sleep disturbances, from individual preferences to gender differences. They describe the connection between personality traits and sleep habits, and they reveal the ways in which age and aging affect our sleep. Most of all, they offer practical advice on how to sleep better with a partner, including getting-ready-for-bed rituals, the emotional and sexual aspects of sharing a bed, and guidelines for allowing children or pets into bed. The book also includes questions for assessing sleep needs and practical suggestions for ending arguments.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Turner Publishing Company
• Release date: Jul 19, 2011
• ISBN: 9781630265762

Book preview

Introduction

Sleep is popularly defined as a condition of body and mind that recurs for several hours every night, in which the nervous system is inactive, the eyes are closed, the muscles are relaxed, and consciousness is suspended. In reality, sleep is a complex physiological process that is an integral part of each day, a multifaceted state that bears a simple name but is not readily understood in terms of what, how, and why. A third of our lives is devoted to sleep, which William Shakespeare’s protagonist Macbeth in the famous Scottish Play called the Chief nourisher in life’s feast. Although we partake in this feast daily, sleep remains a great mystery to us. This is partly because the study of sleep is relatively new, a science still in its infancy. In addition, sleep is linked with a wide variety of ideas and has many cultural associations. For many people, sleep is a nonstate, defined by the absence of activity; for others, it is an elixir that provides rest and regeneration. For some, it is lost time, for others—like Macbeth, it is something to be feared.

Sleep is a significant part of our lives, as it is a complex process that follows regular patterns—just like breathing, digestion, and blood circulation. Sleep also provides the framework for many vital functions: allowing for recuperation, enhancing growth, fighting illness, and supporting reproduction. Our thought processes are active at night, too—not always with our consent—and help us reflect on the important events of the day. So it is not surprising that sleep plays a significant role in helping us retain things we have learned.

Besides being a process, sleep is also a behavior. This is evident in the rituals associated with its onset and end, and the fact that everyone does different things, like tossing and turning in the night and making sounds, independent of how well or poorly one has slept. These behaviors are important because feeling rested in the morning is not a product of the fact that one has slept but rather the product of how one slept. The how here is closely related to behavior.

With this in the back of our minds, we began a project more than a decade ago to determine how sleep was expressed as physiological and behavioral processes and how the two interacted. The question was whether the behaviors of both the day and the night were important determinants for sleep quality. It was clear that behavior plays a role in the synchronization of our endogenous twenty-four-hour clock that regulates sleep and that the clock readily adapts to our needs by reacting to behavior. Another fact was that psychic disturbances and sickness invariably affect sleep structure. Certainly, every disease leaves its mark on the sleep–wake cycle. These effects are bidirectional: Sleep disorders just as invariably produce psychological stress and ill health. One of our initial questions in this research was therefore: Can we improve our health and life quality by simply improving sleep behavior and structure?

There are many ways to improve sleep, including medications, behavioral scheduling, and light therapies, all of which have been used for years to restructure human sleep–wake cycles. Light is perhaps the most important cue (also called zeitgeber, from the German for time giver) for synchronizing the body’s clock to the environment, but we need strong light sources to do this. The hormone melatonin has been shown to relate light information to the rest of the body. Hence, it is not surprising that combination therapies of strong light and melatonin have become popular ways to restructure the sleep cycle to help sleep-deprived elderly people or individuals with seasonal affective disorder. In our studies, we wanted to expand this kind of approach to examine the role of social cues or other zeitgeber on sleep cycles. Social contact during the day, walking the dog, interactions with the family, or even partner interactions that went on from the day to the bedroom and then to the bed and sleep phases were thought to be important components in these interactions.

We carried out our initial studies on sleep and social context with older patients in nursing homes. From studies with pet owners, we knew that a relationship with a pet can improve people’s tolerance for stress. The question was whether regular contact with pets like guinea pigs or dogs could stabilize the sleep–wake rhythm and positively influence sleep- and life-satisfaction indexes. The results were encouraging, as some patients showed significant improvements in their sleep rhythms: Their sleep quality improved, their general level of well-being increased, and their interest in social activities improved as well. My mother has started to talk to me again, for the first time in years! was a typical statement made by a patient’s relative.

Still, not every patient had such positive results. Some were indifferent to the presence of pets. In the analyses, we discovered that the success of the treatment was related to the individual’s experience with pets earlier in their lives. So even though the therapy might help restructure the sleep–wake cycle of an Alzheimer’s patient and improve their final months of life, the application of the therapy was restricted by the patient’s earlier experience.

There was also another incidental observation gleaned from the study. It was that contact with visitors (relatives or a partner) and also the regular contact with the investigator appeared to have positive effects on the following night’s sleep. Our next question was then logical: Could we mimic the effects of pets by stimulating partnerships among the patients? In addition, would one expect an added effect of gender in these partnerships? The rationale here was that in contrast to pets, all of the patients had had previous experience in intimate relationships.

The idea was good on paper, but in practice, stimulating partnerships among the aged would have the potential side effect of partners sharing a bed. There was both an ethical and a scientific problem for us here. Sleeping together as a pair is a cultural norm in our society, and it has often been presented and discussed in art and entertainment. Nonetheless, bed sharing—or sleeping together as we call it—is a phenomenon that has completely escaped medical and scientific analysis. Would it really help or perhaps even disturb sleep patterns in the patients?

For this reason, we decided to examine the phenomenon and consequences of bed sharing in partnerships. We had two approaches here. The scientific one was to analyze the effects of sleeping together and apart in a controlled study. The second was to look at our own history to examine how prevalent the phenomenon has been and how widespread it is in other cultures. In all cases, we were surprised by the experimental results and historical facts that came to light. They provided us with a new perspective of how sleep habits interact with our physical and mental well-being. The subject and its effects in life are controversial and universal enough to warrant our putting together an exposé for the general public. In it, we present information on a selection of themes, including the function of sleep, cultural aspects of sleeping arrangements, gender differences in sleep behavior, and finally the analysis of what happens when pairs share a bed. Our goal as authors and as a psychologist, a biologist, and a neurologist is to provide the reader with new theoretical and practical insights on sleep behavior in the hope that we can all improve the sleep we get when sleeping with a partner.

Overview

Although sleeping with a partner is universally accepted as the most natural form of sleep culture in our society, it is nevertheless important to ask how this form interacts with our social, biological, and psychological well-being. Does sleeping with a partner fulfill the fundamental need for a sound and recuperative good night’s rest or is it more related to our psychological and emotional needs for close contact and security? On the other hand, is there really no reason for sleeping together outside of the fact that it is a historically founded, sociocultural phenomenon, a fashion, and a lifestyle?

If one examines the cultural history of beds and marriages, one sees that the double bed, as a symbol for common sleeping habits in a pair, is a recent development and actually limited in its practice to Western cultures. Sleeping either in groups or in individual beds is the more common practice that researchers have described in humans from prehistoric societies to many contemporary non-European cultures. During the Industrial Revolution, the development of the private spheres and intimacy of partnerships as the behavioral norm led to the typical behavior of sleeping together that has become so common in our society. The pair is supposed to sleep in a separate room in a common bed. Although it is a golden rule in Central Europe, this practice surprisingly falls apart when one goes south to Africa or east to Asia, where common bedrooms and individual or communal beds are the rule. These sociocultural aspects of sleep are presented in Chapters 1 and 2.

Chapters 3 and 4 give a more detailed picture of what is happening. Each chapter starts with descriptions of the physiological processes and habits associated with sleep. In addition, the effects that sleep, dreams, and sleep disturbances have on the different genders are presented. Women rate sleeping with a partner as a good source of positive feelings of security and closeness, yet it is women who most often express the wish for separate bedrooms. This maybe appear to be contradictory but the reasons are explicit: I can’t sleep, he snores, or I simply sleep better alone. Men, on the other hand, are vehemently against separate bedrooms; a common response is, What will the neighbors say? Public opinion is only one side of the coin; in reality, men often lose sleep and sleep more poorly alone in bed. These two chapters look at the information about whether sleep is different in men and women and whether these differences might lead to these specific problems in and interpretations of sleeping together. The key word in these chapters is physiology, and the question is whether physiological information can help us understand sleep and the phenomenon of sleeping better together.

Mother–infant interactions in the night and during sleep are a special case for discussion. They involve close body contact and strong emotional ties between the partners (mother and child) and, theoretically, could serve as an example of sleeping together as a pair. However, factors related to sex and stress can also complicate the situation. A man may interpret the presence of a woman as being a natural part of a group-sleep situation, and feel more secure. A woman, on the other hand, may react to a man’s presence is if he were a demanding offspring, with the result that her sleep is lighter and she may wake frequently (sleeping together evokes feelings of care and surveillance). Chapters 4, 5, and 6 cover topics related to these ideas and others, such as body odors, sexuality, sleep positions, sleep patterns, stress and depression, and, finally, children and pets in bed.

Learning how to sleep correctly or trying to teach children how to do so can be daunting. Bad sleep habits and hygiene are the most common causes of clinical sleep disturbances, and teaching patients how to sleep well is a slow process. In the same way, pairs have to teach each other and learn how to adapt their own sleep habits and hygiene to one another. This is probably also a slow learning process but one that can have an enormous impact on quality of life in the long run. This learning process, along with problems and difficulties encountered along the way, are the topics of the final chapter.

1

An Introduction to Sleep

If you are someone who has trouble sleeping, you may have spent a lot of time watching your partner sleep. And if one night you decided to document your observations—with one eye on the clock—you would probably make notes like 11:00 PM—regular breathing, 12:45 AM—lying on right side, 1:35 AM—sudden twitch in left foot, 4:40 AM—eyes move rapidly with lids closed. In the morning, you would probably be surprised by the length of the list of observations. You might even think, Either my partner was sleeping very uneasily last night or there’s something wrong with the claim that sleep is a passive (and according to Greek mythology, deathlike) state!

We don’t want to rob you of the exciting experience of watching other people sleep, but we do think you should spend your nights sleeping instead! Modern sleep science has a broad array of highly developed electronic devices and sensors that can see and measure a great deal more than the human eye, and this chapter will give you an overview of the findings and discoveries made through experimental sleep research. We will explain the basics of sleep—how it is studied, its cycles, the biology involved, and what constitutes good sleep. We will then build on these basics by introducing information from studies that specifically targeted people sleeping together as a pair. Interested readers can also find resources for further research in the Appendix at the back of the book.

Studying Sleep

Before discussing the basics of sleep, we must explain how sleep studies are conducted. The environment in which sleep occurs is important, especially when it comes to studying it. Generally, for sleep, there is no place like home. Originally, limited technical capability meant that studies could not be performed outside the lab. This can produce problems in sleep research because detailed studies were commonly done in the inhospitable environment of a sleep laboratory that had hospital beds, were crammed with electronic equipment, and were devoid of any art or artifact that might turn them into a comfortable, secure nest to sleep in. Aware that these environments do not ease sleepers into a pleasant night of rest, sleep researchers gave their test subjects a chance to acclimate to the lab environment and get over what is known as first night effect, including trouble falling asleep, waking up frequently, and sleeping lightly. Today, however, scientists have a number of instruments that allow us to carry out tests in the subjects’ normal sleeping environments, over several days or weeks. Modern measurement devices are the size of an MP3 player and can be worn like a watch, and even smaller, more convenient models will certainly be available in the future as technology progresses.

Now, let’s look at the existing scientific information about sleep. At first this may seem somewhat irrelevant to the issue of sharing a bed, but a better understanding of sleep in general will allow for a more complete comprehension of the issues that

Reviews for Sleeping Better Together

[ferdaszewski · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

this book was interesting in a way. Learning about sleep was fascinating, but I was expecting more practical application and suggestions for sleeping better together with my partner. There were a few tidbits here and there, but nothing that was beyond just the basics.So somewhat helpful and interesting, but overall a disappointment.

[asbooks-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I was nicely surprised by this book. I don't think we actually know a lot about why we need to sleep and certainly haven't explored the details of how sleep is different for all of us.This book does a great job of hitting the highlights of the authors' research without lingering too long in any one area. I think everyone that takes the time to read this book will come away with new knowledge on sleeping patterns and how these are affected by gender, relationships, nationality and environmental influences.A well crafted book.

[fogcityite · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

I had looked forward to learning some handy tips from this book; my spouse snores and sleeping together doesn't always result in a restful night for both of us. Alas, I found little here that I would carry forward.The book is a translation from the German, and the grammatical errors scattered throughout are distracting. But that is a minor issue.More distressing is the characterizations of men and women. I suspect this is a translation issue, but I felt this book was not addressed to me. If one is interested in learning more about why we sleep, this book is interesting. If one has already done reading on that topic, this book will add little to it, while failing to offer little on the subject promised by the title.

[glampunk_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I was nicely surprised by this book. I don't think we actually know a lot about why we need to sleep and certainly haven't explored the details of how sleep is different for all of us.This book does a great job of hitting the highlights of the authors' research without lingering too long in any one area. I think everyone that takes the time to read this book will come away with new knowledge on sleeping patterns and how these are affected by gender, relationships, nationality and environmental influences.A well crafted book.

[distortedsmile · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I never honestly thought that a book about sleeping could be so fascinating. The authors explore how different sleeping conditions effect your performance in life and what their impact is on ALL relationships...Not just between male/female romantic relationships, but also relationships with your children, pets and...most importantly, with yourself.Based on large studies done in home environments, these guys couldn't have made sleep more fun to read about.Oh, and your husband's snoring?They can't really help you with that.But they give you some good ideas with how to deal.

[gwendolyndawson · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This is a nice overview of the research related to sharing a bed with another person, but it's rather superficial. I was hoping for more practical tips. This book is a starting point rather than complete in itself.

[loafhunter13 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

The book is put forth in workable language and does a nice job summarizing the research that occurred before the authors published their own work. While those looking for deep analysis of the many issues affecting sleep patterns won't find answers here, the book does a remarkable job touching on the major ideas and presenting them in an everyday style. A very educational book and an enjoyable read.

[michigantrumpet_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This was nicely translated from the original German in accessible, friendly language. I had some pre-conceived notions (either from my own experience or that of family and friends) about difficulties sleeping. Some were born out by the findings in this slim volume. In other ways, I was gently and persuasively educated. Found it quite interesting to find that women report far more difficulty sleeping with a partner than do men. While I wish the book had been more prescriptive in dealing with specific issues, there were helpful 'tips' at the end of each chapter. I have already put one such tip into practice. Those with specific issues may not find this book tom have enough detail. However, readers looking for a well written 'primer.' will be well rewarded.

[drmarymccormack · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

As soon as I saw this book was available to review, I was hoping I would get it. I have a horrible problem with sleep and I have been searching for answers for a long time. This is a great layman's book. I've read many more "clinical" books such as the Promise of Sleep (which is excellent, by the way). I really enjoyed the description of what sleep actually is, why we need sleep, the differences between men and women, sleep disfunction, cultural differences in sleep standards, etc. . I thought the author did a great job of helping one figure out what the trouble might be and how to fix it. The author advises many practical and easy things (e.g. how to coordinate bedtimes). I have to admit that I intellectually know all the right things to do but I have trouble finding the motivation to just do it. It's hard to change a lifetime of bad habits. My poor husband, who has to put up with my insomnia, would love it if I finally got it right.

[eo206 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Sleep is something everyone needs, yet very few people truly understand sleep and what it means to feel fully rested. This book explores multiple facets of sleeping-- history, research, cultural aspects of sleep. The opening chapters explore sleep and sleep patterns, cultural and historical aspects of sleep-- different thoughts on sleep throughout history. The middle chapters look at co-sleeping and sleep patterns and problems. The book also includes a chapter devoted to sleeping with babies and pets. The information on sharing a bed with babies was interesting. I've read a lot of books on how to get babies to sleep throughout the night ([no-cry sleep solution], Ferber, etc.) yet found new information in this book. Most of the information was historical and some scienticific which wouldn't help a desperate parent, but it is still interesting. It is an interesting book to pick up and open to a random page and start reading. I found I read through the whole book in bits and pieces and really enjoyed reading and learning. Albeit the author may be cringing at this reading methodology, but I found the book really interesting in this way. Overall an interesting book I'm glad I picked up.

[sturlington_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This book has a lot of information about sleep: its history, how it works, sleep patterns. It is short on practical advice for how to deal with insomnia, other than advocating that partners consider separate bedrooms if they are having trouble sleeping with one another. Since practical advice is what I was looking for when I requested this book, it was a dud for me.

[annajcook · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

"Sleeping Better Together" is a slim volume translated from the original German. The title makes the book sound like a self-help text, but in reality this is more of a quick tour through the world of sleep research. Rather than being prescriptive in their suggestions about how to get a good night's sleep, the authors sketch out what research in various fields tells us about how people co-sleep ... not just with intimate partners but also with children and pets. The text is refreshingly free of gender stereotypes (the authors are careful to say that differences in male and female sleep patterns may be socio-cultural, rather than biological), and they are charmingly willing to admit how much we don't know about why and how humans sleep. While scantily referenced, the book does contain a bibliography that could be of use to anyone wishing to delve further into the subject. I wouldn't necessarily recommend this as a serious purchase for someone looking to solve co-sleeping struggles. The authors' basic advice is to communicate with your partner about the environment you need to sleep best, and to experiment and be flexible about co-sleeping in order to make sure everyone is able to get the rest they need. This might be a fun gag gift for a friend who's recently decided to move in with a partner and/or a humorous wedding shower gift for someone. Personally, my favorite section was the one on co-sleeping with pets and the impossibility of getting cats to accommodate their humans' needs. And the little stick-figure drawings that begin each chapter, while irritatingly hetero-centric, are still amusingly IKEA-like.

[jeffv_19 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Sleeping Better Together is probably a somewhat misleading title for this book about the current state of sleep science. Sure, it has recommendations on solving conflicts between bedmates that could be caused by different environmental tolerances or idiosyncrasies of the other person. Most of these hints though are pretty obvious following the preceding discussion.In Sleeping Better Together, we learn about the science of sleep, the different phases and statistical trends pertaining to age, sex, and culture. We learn about how some couples migrate towards compatibility in bed, and how others actually drift apart. The factors involved in a good night's sleep change and evolve over the years; a younger couple might be content in each others arms while the elderly might prefer to be in separate beds or even separate rooms! Cultural and social norms play a part as well.The book is well paced, and the data is presented in a clear manner without much technical jargon. Klosch makes it clear that the important thing above all else is to do what you can to obtain restorative sleep on a nightly basis. I am now familiar with the many things that can interfere with this; awareness of some of these issues goes along way to combating ill effects. I have to admit the last few nights since I started reading this book haven't been all that bad -- the proof will come when I'm reunited with my wife a month from now.

[varielle_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Considering that I have a board under my side of the bed and haven't really slept soundly in over twenty years, I had hoped that this book would prove helpful, and it has. It has many useful facts and bits of information to help you and yours be better bedfellows. Hopefully both you and your bedmate will be able to use this information to achieve blissful slumber and overcome the mountain of obstacles that sometimes keep us from getting the rest we need. It appears well researched with historical tidbits on the development of shared repose.

[crowyhead · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Obtained as an Early Reviewer book through LibraryThing.This is an interesting and helpful book on the science of sleep, the ways that sleep is different for men and for women, and how this knowledge can be applied in order to get a better night's rest. It also aims to dispel some of the stigma around sleeping separately, pointing out that sometimes for everyone's comfort it's a better idea, but the authors are not proponents of the idea.For people looking for a very cut and dried list of do's and don'ts, this book might be a bit frustrating. While the authors do discuss a bit how the knowledge they're imparting can be applied, the philosophy of the book is basically "Here's some information, here's some suggestions, make of this what you will." No checklists or "you must do this" directives. I personally like this, but other people might be disappointed.I loved the cultural history of bed-sharing, as well as the scientific information about the differences in the way we sleep. One downside to the book is that it's very, very heteronormative: the assumption throughout is that you are likely to be a man and a woman sharing a bed. This makes sense in the context of a lot of the research referenced -- there just hasn't been much, if any, sleep research on lesbians or gay men -- but it would have been nice if it had been acknowledged.Overall, it's a good, useful book.