I Wish I Was Dead, So I Could Get Chicks

By D. A. Springborn

Jayson wants to see lust in a woman’s eyes. He thinks they would be more impressed if he was dead; or undead. His friend Max knows it is a ridiculous plan. He goes along with it because Jayson’s bright ideas tend to go horribly wrong, and it’s fun to watch. Eventually an amazing woman finds him. Can she really be what she thinks she is?
There is also the matter of her ex returning. She thought she killed him years ago. He’s not over it yet.
Jayson can always count on Max to help him sort things out; except now. Max is starting to question his own sanity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: D. A. Springborn
• Release date: Apr 23, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310253355

D. A. Springborn

D A Springborn has worked as an artist. Next she worked at a newspaper; where she did not write. She's always had a very active imagination. Her college professor told her she was a writer. It is only recently that she started writing down her stories, instead of letting them live in her head. She lives in Michigan with her family.

Book preview

I WISH I WAS DEAD

so I could get chicks

D. A. Springborn

I Wish I Was Dead, so I could get chicks

D. A. Springborn

Published by Darlene Schmidt at Smashwords

Copyright 2015 Darlene Schmidt

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This Ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. If you are reading this book, and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for you, please purchase your own copy. Thank you.

Chapter 1

Think about it. All you have to do is figure out what their fantasy is, and become it. Say you see this hot girl who’s into the vampire thing. You just stay back in the shadows so she has just a glimpse of you. She won’t be sure if she saw someone or not. Do this a few times, and she’ll be intrigued.

This is Jayson’s idea of a brilliant plan. So, I asked him, What if she just thinks you’re some freakish stalker and calls the police?

That’s why you have to find someone who’s reading vampire books, or coming out of a theater where some vamp movie is playing.

You really think that if you act like a vampire, women will be all over you?

No, Max. You have to act like you’re not a vampire. You know, like you’re trying to pass for a human. Nobody’s going to believe you’re a vamp, unless you’re trying to act like you’re not one!

Nobody’s going to believe I am anyway. Jayson is thin and pale with dark hair. I swear he even has a bluish tint to his skin sometimes. He fits the stereotype. I don’t. I’m kind of a big guy with light brown hair, and eyes the color of whiskey. I always look like I have a healthy tan. It doesn’t matter if I try to act like a vampire, or if I act like I’m pretending to be human. Nobody’s going to look at me, and think I’m a vampire. That’s what I told Jayson.

You could be a zombie, dude. They’re popular, too.

I don’t think so. Any girl who would want to be with someone who has decaying chunks of flesh hanging off of them is not someone I’d want to be with. I told Jayson I didn’t think any woman was going to believe he was a vampire, but if he wanted to try it, I’d go along with him.

I really don’t have a problem finding women who want to have sex with me. Putting up with each other out of bed is where I have a problem. Jayson does need to get laid, but this seems like an odd plan, even for him.

Jayson was still talking. I already look like the walking dead. If I really was the walking dead, they’d be all over me! I must have still looked skeptical.

I’ll admit it’s not going to work with all of them, but if I get one out of twenty, I’ll still be doing a lot better than I am now. He had a point. I just hope it will work out better than his last brilliant plan.

He tried taking a poetry class to meet girls. Then he’d try lines like, Don’t I know you from somewhere? Oh yes, I had a dream last night. You were in it. He’d get a reply like, If you were in my dream, I’d try to wake up.

That didn’t go well, so next time he tried to find someone who looked like a romantic. He found this girl in a coffee house. She had long wavy hair and a flowing dress with ruffles. He told her, I can’t believe you’re real! I dreamt of you last night, but I thought the vision was too perfect to be real. She laughed so hard the mocha latte came out of her nose. So not a perfect vision. He gave up that plan.

That’s Jayson Diener. My name is Max Silberlowe. Short for Maximillion. You’d think that must be a family name, right? I’m named after my mom’s first dog. She named me after him, not my father, because dogs are loyal, not like your father. He’d hump anything that moved! He got what he wanted, and he just left.

I didn’t tell her that’s what most dogs do.

Chapter 2

Jayson tells me that this bar in Saginaw is having a Goth/Vampire night on Tuesday. I guess bars have to do something to get customers on a Tuesday night. Jayson says it is time to put his plan into action. He found some glow-in-the-dark make-up that his sister must have left at his apartment last week. She always brings her kids to Uncle Jayson’s first when they go trick-or-treating.

Jayson mixed the make-up with lotion. He just wants to have a bit of an unnatural glow to his face. Nothing too obvious. He thought about getting vampire teeth, but the kind that fold in half look too fake. The kinds that stick on cost more. He’s afraid they’ll fall off, and he’ll choke and die for real.

He is meticulously dabbing on his makeup. He is adding more to the places where bones stick out, so he looks more like a cadaver. I don’t know what he is trying to do with his hair. He has it slicked back on the sides and high on top. It makes me wonder what vampire movies he has been watching.

Jayson yells for me to turn the light off, and tell me if he glows. He does. Is it too much? I want to tell him, almost everything he does is too much, but I don’t.

He is wearing dark clothes, as usual. His hair keeps sliding down over his forehead. He wants to restyle it. I convince him it looks better that way, so we can get going already.

No we can’t. He just scratched his face. He has to go back and fix his makeup. I’ll wait in the truck. He offered to drive his car, but his driving makes me nervous. He thinks that it is because I like to be in control all the time. I think it’s because I don’t want to crash into a tree the next time he gets distracted.

When he gets in the truck I notice that he has a black sock on one hand, and a white one on the other. My face itches. I don’t want to scratch it again.

He tells me to look at his face at every stop light, to see if it’s glowing. He turns the inside light on so his face will absorb enough light to glow. I turn it back off. I’m not driving all the way there with the interior lights on. I turn it back on for him when we are two minutes away from the place.

The bar we are going to is nothing fancy. The outside of the building is old wood that has been painted gray. The gravel parking lot is almost full. I can feel the pounding beat of the music from out here. Jayson gets out of the truck and walks a few feet before turning around and going back to the truck. I forgot to take the socks off my hands. I would look silly if I went in like that.

The guy at the door asks to see Jayson’s ID. He has it out, because they usually ask for it. He hates digging it out of his pocket so much, that I suggested he try growing a beard so he’d look older. It looked like he had mange.

Now he gets the ID out ahead of time. He is pleasantly surprised if no one asks to see it. That is a lot better than being grumpy before we even get in.

The bar is packed. Now Jayson just has to separate the regular girls who are just out to have fun, from the easily deluded. You know which ones he is looking for.

Maybe Jayson isn’t the only one wearing glowing makeup. It could be that the bar it is darker than usual, or that so many people are wearing black, but it looks like white faces floating in a sea of darkness.

I notice this one girl who has pointed teeth. I can’t tell if they are caps, or if she had her own teeth filed to a point. I mean, is she a fanpire, or is she just nuts? She is also staggering a bit. Delusional, drunk; whatever works.

Jayson sees her too. She would be difficult to miss. She is wearing a leather collar around her neck. She has a black corset that barely covers her nipples and black lace gloves that go up past her elbows. I can’t stop staring. She isn’t all that attractive, but it looks like she is going to bounce out of that top any second.

Jayson takes off his coat and tells me he needs to step outside, so his skin can get cold. He asks if I will keep an eye on her. No problem. I can watch her from the bar. That seems to be where everyone else, who isn’t dressed in black and blood red, is hanging out.

I ordered a Jack and coke with lime. The girl next to me says I might not want to do that. This place never washes the limes. I figure the alcohol will kill whatever funk is on the lime.

Jayson comes back inside and accidentally bumps into dog collar girl to get her attention. He walks past her, but keeps looking back at her. He is staring at her throat, with a look that is probably supposed to be longing, or hunger. I think it looks like he is trying not to sneeze.

Whatever he is doing, it seems to be working for this drunk chick. I see them step outside together. I give them a couple of minutes, finish my drink, and slip out the door to see how he’s doing. I hear a scream, so I run around the corner. It’s not what I thought. She just chomped on HIS neck. I forgot about the pointy teeth. He is not taking it well.

Jayson is screeching get away from me you freak! She is trying to bite him again, and saying, Give me a taste! I just want a little vamp blood! He has one hand on his neck, and one hand trying to hold his pants up. He is backing away from her when he trips. She jumps on him.

Jayson is lying on the ground, with her sitting on his chest, in reverse cowgirl, trying to push his pants down. She says it’s so she can get to the artery in his inner thigh.

"You’ll love it! You won’t even miss a little blood, you selfish bastard. HELP ME GET YOUR PANTS OFF!

He tells her there is no way he’s letting those teeth near Jay and the boys. Yes, he refers to his genitals as a separate entity. What a sicko. My best friend is a sicko, what does that say about me? Plenty, but you’ll find out about that later.

I pull this vamp wannabe off of Jayson, then carry her back to the side door and push her back into the club. This time, I close the door behind her. I do not plan on going back in. It’s time to go check on my doofus of a friend. There is a trickle of blood on his neck, but it’s not that bad. Mainly there is a lot of bruising. I guess her teeth aren’t as sharp as they look. At least the music is loud. Nobody seems to have heard any of this.

Jayson insists he is bleeding to death. I could swear I hear a muffled laugh beneath the sound of the music. I look toward the back of the alley where I thought the sound came from. It looks like a shadow slid behind the dumpster. I’m sure it’s just a reflection of the streetlight on a puddle. I do not even want to know what the puddle is made up of. Anyway, I have enough weirdness to deal with. I’d rather avoid someone who hangs out behind dumpsters.

I go back to Jayson, who is sitting on a box with his head between his knees. He says it’s so he doesn’t pass out from the blood loss. I’d guess he lost about a spoon full, if that. It looks like he’ll be alright. Physically anyway. I haul his sorry ass up and take him to my truck.

Jayson’s going on and on about how he’s never doing this again, and I could have been killed! Nobody needs to get laid that bad! Why on Earth would she bite me? I’ve never heard anything about humans biting vampires. I thought they were scared of us. Uh, Jayson, you said ‘us’. You are not a vampire. You might want to remember that.

Oh, yeah I know, but what if they are real and I could be one. That would be so cool.

You think so? Some of the folklore says that they don’t even have sex. They have no biological functions. Their bodies don’t change at all. So, if they have no blood of their own; that would mean no erection. Ergo, no sex. What would be the point of becoming a vampire -- if they exist -- if the whole point of this was just to get laid? You might never have sex again!

You’re right, that would really suck. No pun intended. Get it? If I could suck blood, then I couldn’t get sucked off. That would be wrong. It would be a contradiction. Kind of like if you have too much hard liquor, you can’t stay hard. You get soft. You can drink all the soft drinks you want, and it doesn’t stop you from getting hard. Weird. Maybe I just need to do more research.

Maybe he lost more blood than I thought. He wants to stop at the all night drugstore to get iron pills, salt, and water. He is worried about anemia from the blood loss.

They must get some odd customers in the drug store this time of night. No one even looks twice at the pale boy with a bruised and bloody neck. We pick up his first aid supplies, and some snacks. Then we head back to his apartment so he can look up vampire lore on his computer.

He is sitting at the table that his sister gave him when she could afford something better. The wood veneer has a bump in it. It’s not a problem, unless you forget about it and put your glass on it. At least the table does get wiped off, when that happens.

He is muttering quietly to himself, Skin is cold. I can fake that. Skin is pale. Don’t have to fake that. Maybe I need an accent.

Or maybe you need to forget all this ‘undead’ crap. If you’re going to act anyway, try acting like a normal person. Just walk up to a girl and say Hi. Ask about the book she’s reading, or ask for advice. Tell her you need to get a gift for your sister. You’re not sure what to get her, and you could use some help. Tell her she looks like she has great taste. At this point Jayson is giggling. I bet she tastes great.

Jayson, you have the maturity level of a 14 year old. You could try talking to women like they are actual people, not just body parts you want to get into. You might actually find a nice person that way.

Max, Max, Max. I don’t want a nice person. I want a half crazed wild woman!

Oh, like that girl who bit you? Yeah, she looked wild alright.

Shut up Max! At least I had some physical contact. Back to my research.

He spun his chair back around to his computer. He spun too far. He spun a couple more times, like he meant to do that in the first place.

According to this website, vamp blood is supposed to be like a high, and give the drinker some of the vamp powers. It also says that it is very rude to drink anyone’s blood without asking first. So, I wasn’t the problem, she was.

A little while later, he yells, Hey! She could have killed me! She said she was going for the artery. This says that veins bleed steadily, but arteries actually pump blood out in spurts. I could have bled out right there in the alley. He was quiet after that outburst.

The next time I look at the screen, Jayson is watching porn. Guess that’s enough research for now. There is nothing more pitiful than watching someone else watch porn. Unless it’s a girl watching it. I could get into that. In more ways than one. It’s Jayson watching though, so yeech. I think it’s time to go home.

I actually tried renting porn that was marketed for women. To see what they liked.

It was boring. Way too much plot. Not enough close ups. I jerked off anyway, so it wouldn’t be a total loss. I smeared some of my jizz in the edges of the DVD where some woman would touch it. Then touch herself. It would also work if a couple rents it. He touches it, then touches her. It’s still my jizz he’s rubbing on her.

I don’t think sperm survive dehydration; I don’t need kids I don’t know about. That could really freak out some woman who isn’t having sex with anyone, but gets pregnant anyway. She might think she’s been abducted by aliens, or was drugged and doesn’t remember. Better yet, she might think she was the mother to the Anti-Christ. Maybe if sperm could come back to life after dehydration, they would be Zombie Sperm. If the kid is half zombie, would it try to eat its own brain? Maybe I have been spending too much time with Jayson. That sounds like something he would come up with.

It’s not just DVDs. Whenever I am at someone’s house, if there is a hot girl who lives there, or the mom of my friend is hot, I rub my dick and balls on the toilet paper and the bath towels. I just love knowing they’re rubbing my junk on their bodies. That’s more than enough about me. For now.

Chapter 3

I was reading the newspaper this morning, and I saw that there is a vampire flick playing at one of the local theaters. I called Jayson. We decided we should go to the later showing. The younger girls should have gone home by then. I picked up pizza and beer on the way to Jayson’s. I thought of getting garlic crusts. I think it would be funny if he is trying to be a vampire, while he has garlic breath.

I knew I would have to bring something if I wanted to eat. He never has food in his apartment. He loves food once it shows up, but he doesn’t think about it until then. That’s not a problem I’ll ever have. I’m always hungry. Thank god for my kick ass metabolism. I’m a big guy, but I’m not flabby. Pretty solid, actually.

I get to his parking lot, and carry the food up to his apartment. I ring the doorbell. He yells at me to use my key. He is playing a game on his computer, and is about to level up. He doesn’t want to mess up his chances by stopping to open the door. I can understand that.

Jayson devours the pizza like someone who hasn’t eaten all day. He probably hasn’t. I am early, so he goes back to the game he was playing.

I hate just sitting here. I tend to get restless, so I ask if we can get going. He heads into the kitchen. He comes back with two little ice packs from his freezer, and puts them in his coat pockets. He tells me that’s his latest trick for keeping his skin cold.

It will look I’m warming my hands in my pockets, but I’m really making them colder. I ask him if he’s thought ahead any. The goal was to get contact with more than just his hands, right? He has a plan.

"I will pretend to spill something on myself, or come up with a reason to take a shower alone. I’ll turn the shower on hot, to make the bathroom steamy, and then turn the faucet to cold before I get in. It will look like I was trying to warm myself to