Something in the Water

By Tunbridge Wells Writers

A digital version of E.M.Forster is tracked down by a desperate biographer, Suffragette Sarah Grand prepares to make a stand for women's rights on the eve of the 1901 census and William Makepeace Thackeray finds himself in an awkward position trying to dissuade Dickens from pressing ahead with his revolutionary idea for a novel. These are just several of the unreliable biographies from the Tunbridge Wells Writers. This collection of fictional pieces about writers follows the life and opinions of people as diverse as Jo Brand, Vita Sackville-West, Victoria Hislop, Arthur Conan Doyle and W.H.Davies.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tunbridge Wells Writers
• Release date: Apr 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310692826

Tunbridge Wells Writers

Tunbridge Wells Writers is a writers collective operating from the beautiful spa town of Tunbridge Wells in England. Formed in 2010 it is made up poets, fiction and non-fiction writers, bloggers and other waifs and strays.

Book preview

Something in the Water

Unreliable Biographies

By

Tunbridge Wells Writers

SOMETHING IN THE WATER

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

Published by Tunbridge Wells Writers Publications at Smashwords

Copyright © (2015) for individual stories remains that of the named author.

All rights reserved.

While offered freely for personal use the stories in this collection should not be reproduced without the permission of the relevant author(s). All unauthorised commercial use is expressly prohibited. Links for the Tunbridge Wells Writers website, Facebook and Meet-Up pages can be found in the introduction to this book.

Published by Tunbridge Wells Writers

Publications at Smashwords

Copyright 2015

Linda Chamberlain

Carolyn Gray

David Smith

Christopher Hall

Jess Mookherjee

Kate Loverage

Anne Carwardine

Cover image of Chalybeate Spring©2012

Roddy Paine Studios

www.roddypaine.co.uk

Cover design by Simon John Cox

Special thanks to Peppy Scott for suggested changes and corrections.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Tunbridge Wells Writers: An Introduction

FOREWORD by Horace Smith

CHAPTER 1 - Jo Brand by Linda Chamberlain

CHAPTER 2 - W.H.Davies by David Smith

CHAPTER 3 - Sarah Grand by Carolyn Gray

CHAPTER 4 - Arthur Conan Doyle by Katherine Loverage

CHAPTER 5 - Keith Douglas by Jess Mookherjee

CHAPTER 6 - Vita Sackville-West by Christopher Hall

CHAPTER 7 - Vicky Hiccup by Linda Chamberlain

CHAPTER 8 - E.M.Forster by Jess Mookherjee

CHAPTER 9 - Rachel Beer by Katherine Loverage

CHAPTER 10 - Will Storr by Carolyn Gray

CHAPTER 11 - Richard Cobb by Katherine Loverage

CHAPTER 12 - William Makepeace Thackeray by Christopher Hall and Jess Mookherjee

WHO'S WHO by Anne Carwardine

TUNBRIDGE WELLS WRITERS

An Introduction

Tunbridge Wells Writers is a small collective of aspiring writers living in and around the much-maligned town of Tunbridge Wells in Kent. We meet once a fortnight to discuss all aspects of writing, to offer mutual support and encouragement, to swap ideas and writing tips, and, on occasion, to work together on group projects like this one. Several of us, in the great writer tradition, also like to take the opportunity to down a few glasses of wine and/or beer, which is one of the reasons we meet in a local pub. 

Neither a fondness for alcohol nor residence in Tunbridge Wells are prerequisites for membership of the group, however, so if you, dear reader, have similar literary ambitions but prefer soft drinks or live elsewhere please feel free to join us either in the flesh or through our website or Facebook page which are found -     

Here: Tunbridge Wells Writers Website

and on social media: Facebook Page  and Twitter

We also promote the group through Meet-Up, where dates and times of upcoming meetings are always available, Meet Up Page

FOREWORD

by Horace Smith

I am delighted to be able to commend to you this short collection of stories and articles about the writers of that most famous of spas – Tunbridge Wells.

It comes as no surprise that there are so many great names, myself included, who are connected to the town but to see them joined in one little volume like this fills me with awe and excitement.

I know what it is to be an aspiring man of letters and so it was an honour to be asked to write this address to you, dear reader. Not my first address, do I hear to you say? Well, naturally you are right. My most famous such piece was penned with my dear brother for that competition for the reopening of the Drury Lane Theatre after it burned down. Our Rejected Addresses was a roaring success with seven reprints in three months. They called it a parody. For myself, I liked to describe our efforts more in the style of the famous poets we were…well, yes, parodying, I suppose, if you must.

It was a relief to me that Lord Byron took no offence since I knew him to be a man of delicate, sometimes wild sensibilities. They say I produced the flavour of his writing so nearly that it was impossible to tell the difference. My dear friend, Shelley, took it in good part and his support must have fuelled the sales of our little book.

It gave me a place in literary history – some achievement for a stockbroker of Tunbridge Wells, I think you will agree. My novels have been rather forgotten which is a disappointment to me; they were rather overshadowed by Rejected Addresses which I hear is occasionally mentioned to this day.

But now, without any further ado, let me introduce this excellent volume from the pens of Tunbridge Wells Writers. I view this little group as my descendants, my children almost, treading the path I took all those years ago, searching for the muse before breakfast and struggling to find their own places in the literary world. Read on and you may find something that will inspire and please you. So many notable writers have Tunbridge Wells in their blood. Some lived here, some passed through and some, like me, died here.

And finally, if I may, a little parody of the modern writer that you will be more familiar with. The list of my works is (so I am promised) written below. You won’t find me on Facebook or Twitter but all good antiquarian bookshops will have heard of me

Horace Smith

1779 – 1849

Books: -

The Rejected Addresses

Brambletye House

Tor Hill

Reuben Apsley

Zillah

The New Forest

Walter Colyton

CHAPTER 1

Jo Brand

A Tribute by Linda Chamberlain

Hecklers are a fact of life for a stand up comic – a sort of parasitical support act stealing a laugh at the expense of the person on stage but without the glare or responsibility of the spotlight. According to the average heckler, there is more than enough of Jo Brand to go around. In other words she’s a large woman and deserves the abuse being meted out.

To my mind, there isn’t enough of Jo Brand to go around. I’m not saying she needs to eat more chocolate and fat up a bit but rather there should be more people like her in the world. She’s famous for her lazy style and unpalatable one-liners but if she had a list of things to achieve in a lifetime she could already tick off novelist and script writer. She’s co-written the comedy Getting On, winning a Bafta for best comedy actress, and, before she came to our notice as a comic, she was a psychiatric nurse for ten years. Embarrassingly for her, she’s sometimes described as one of our national treasures. Yes, that makes her sound like she should be behind glass…or nailed onto a wall in the Tate and perhaps, no one deserves the responsibility of such an accolade. Surely, it’s enough that she stands up for all the people who don’t give a monkeys about the clothes they wear and is a defender of the downtrodden - racists and bullies being among her favourite comedy targets.

Her life prepared her for the rigours of the comedy circuit. Her story gives some understanding into how she’s able to bat aside the heckler’s chant of ugly whore or fat lesbian. Worse things have happened to her, you see…some of them in Tunbridge Wells.

A few words slung on stage are not that bad once you get used to it, she says in her autobiography Look Back in Hunger. It sounds like the sticks and stones defence encouraged by mothers everywhere. But she’s right. There’s nothing dangerous about being a stand up although the abuse has to be cleverly parried, she says, as the comic moves onto the next joke. Audiences expect a bit of neat repartee and mostly they want the performer to outwit the voices beyond the spotlights.

Her journey from nice little kid, to nightmare teenager and now award-winning writer is a fascinating one. Early years were spent in South London and the Kent countryside. She was one of three children and had the typical upbringing you’d expect for someone born in the 1950s – much of it was spent playing outdoors but I will fast forward to the moment Tunbridge Wells began to weave its influence on her life. She didn’t live in this genteel town, not yet at least, but being a bright girl she got a place at Tunbridge Wells Girls Grammar School.

I mentioned this little-known fact about her to someone I met the other night at a friend’s birthday dinner. He was surprised because she makes much of coming from 'sarf London', the place of her birth where she later returned. Politically, she’s on the left…well, she’s a Labour supporter and is outspoken on issues of equality. Her comic material is known for its lugubrious style and sharp content on attitudes to women. My new friend appeared disappointed about this grammar school connection as if it was attained by cheque book rather than merit.

Joining TWGGS meant Jo spent four hours on a bus every day and wore what she described as the yummy navy and yellow uniform together with a ridiculous