The Gnome Tome

By Adrian Bell

This book contains a collection of poems by Adrian Bell. Brilliantly and sometimes outrageously funny, they are written in a true down-to-earth, Aussie-style sense of humour. Their themes concern mostly the antics and events of everyday life amongst Adrian's fellow members of the Leather Artisans & Digital Guild (a Facebook group, a.k.a. The Squirrels). Adrian is not only a very talented leather worker whoe uses a well-honed eye for detail in his art, but also in his writing, picking up on every opportunity for a funny story. You don't have to be a leather worker to appreciate these wonderful odes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Adrian Bell
• Release date: Mar 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311785589

Book preview

The Gnome Tome

(AKA)    MR ADRIAN BELL

Table of Contents

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

These poems you are about to read were written by Mr Adrian Bell, who (not widely known) was born in Penistone, Yorkshire. U.K.  He subsequently moved to Australia with his parents at a young age, arriving in Australia in 1966, then starting school in Karingal (Frankston).  He left at the age of 15, to pursue a career in Dairy Farming, later moving to Northern Victoria in 1978. Living on the farm Adrian and his family have had a harsh existence, battling the elements and adverse conditions of living in the wilds of Australia.

Adrian discovered Leather work in the early eighties. Successfully building up a business which grew to the point, where he had to choose between it and his cows. He never touched a leather tool again, for 30 years.

Pictured: Adrian Bell In Repose.

Adrian is married, with 32 years under his belt, has 2 sons and 1 daughter.

After Share Farming for 12 years, he and his wife purchased their own property in 1991.

Adrian said, I had never written or rhymed, or even considered doing so before in my entire life. With my involvement in a motorcycle racing forum, out of the blue, I one day did so. The poem was so well received, I had to do another one. That was in 2009, it would probably be nearing 1,000 written, in one form or another by now.

The odes he writes were born of two very important activities in his life, Motocross and Leatherworking. The later being the subject of these particular odes.

Since the advent of the Internet and a thing called Facebook, it has made it much easier to learn about new crafts. And it is through this medium, that a group of like minded leather workers of all levels was formed by Michael Dale, called The Leather Artisans & Digital Guild. Its members have since been dubbed as the Squirrels, when one of its number carved a Roman helmet which looked as though it had a Squirrel sitting on its top. Adrian has long been famed as the author of many a funny ode, in good humour taking a ‘lend’ of his fellow Squirrels. Which are loved and hugely appreciated by all who reside in the Dray.

Disclaimer:

Please bear in mind, these poems were compiled back when the Leather Artisans & Digital Guild group on Facebook, was in its infancy. Please don't be offended if you don't get a mention. You either were not very active at the time, or had not yet arrived.

Also, some who don’t get a mention, have either, since eased off their involvement, or moved on. Oh, and anyone wishing to take legal action. Mother G stays with the farm…!

CHAPTER ONE

THE SQUIRRELS NEST

AND ALL WHOM DWELL WITHIN

Part 1

The gnome best watch his p's and q's 

Else he'll be a wether amongst the ewes 

Broke from a mega lawyers bill 

When he tells the tale of squirrelville 

It all began in a realm far away 

Where ego is the word of the day

In a kingdom where the work it rocks 

But many are legends in their own lunchbox 

They have competitions to find the greats 

Pfft they're all about mates rates 

And from the emperor you can't take the pee 

Or off to hades he will send thee 

Well some grew tired of chairman mao 

Packed up their tools and their dead cow 

Like pilgrims searching for a new land 

Off went this little ragtag band 

Calling themselves Leather Artisans Digital Guild 

A new world order they began to build 

From a fella called Slickbald was taken the pee

And the birth of a mascot we all did see 

A tiny rodent with a bushy tail 

Became the face of leather yale 

So who are these pillars of societee 

That built this place called LADG 

As the sun it sets in the west 

Let's tell you of the nuts in this nest 

Best in a soft chair you should sit 

Cos this could take a little bit

Part 2

Started by three Mikes and a Matt 

Determined to make this thing mega phat

Let's begin with the unofficial figurehead 

A rooster licensed to tazer you dead 

Smoother he is than JJ Cale 

We respectfully call him officer Dale 

The undisputed king of bar stool 

You should see 'em they're pretty cool 

Then there's the ultimate defence coach 

That silent assasin Mike DeLoach 

If you fill this place with spam overload 

You're never coming back from copperhead road 

Take the time to check his work on show 

Mike ain't no slouch with the rainbow 

Thirdly in this here creation tale 

A reincarnation of Florence Nightingale 

Funnier than a cheech and chong spliff 

Ladies and gents we give you Mike Smith 

Texas Leathersmith himself he does call 

He's more than handy with a knife and maul 

And fourthly the shrinking violet of this crew 

A young chap by the name of Matthew 

From somewhere up Minnesota way 

Matt Arntson don't have a real lot to say 

So there you have it the government 

Of this place where much time is spent 

Whilst our writing muscles are still loose 

A few of the serfs let's introduce 

You may want to go for a stretch and a sip 

For only just begun has this trip 

Before we start on the common folks 

We will tell you about two special blokes 

In frustration they make us scream 

To be like them we can only dream 

When Al Stohlman departed this realm 

To Peter Main he passed the helm 

Though Al in body he may be gone 

Through Peter's hands his soul lives on 

If you're unsure on which shade of blue 

Show you the way will the king of hue 

With the stetsons mr Main is now in cahoots 

But old mate has never lost his aussie roots 

Then there's our other celestial deity 

His work you need a microscope to see 

So miniscule is his tool execution 

We reckon he must be a lillipution 

An excentric who shops without his pants 

Yep you guessed it that fella Britt Nantz 

A quack wrongly said Britt was going to croak 

God wed've missed that special bloke 

Now we've covered those that travel through portals 

Let's get on to all the mere mortals 

If you don't happen to see your name 

It's probably because you only just came 

Or that you're simply part of the crew 

That hardly ever says a boo

Part 3

The rest may be mortal human and flawed 

But we've got some real talent amongst the horde 

It's said that cream rises to the top 

Well looking over the rim must be Todd T Pop 

Traditional style with a touch of flair 

At his work for hours you could stare 

More versatile than a shifting spanner 

A young snoozer by the name of Tanner

Full of class his work it honks 

And he ain't too shabby at ridin'them broncs 

Most days we see methuselah's dad 

With leather tools he's not half bad 

If you