Requiem for a Kumquat and other weird humor

By Peter Mitas

Pizza parlor twists into baby parlor. California wine echoes back as California whine. The ‘horn’ in great-horned owl becomes an automobile horn which sparks great-horned Cadillac.

Other ideas just spring to mind out of nowhere and beg to be developed into something that is surprising. For example, what if a woman, instead of a goose, gave birth to a golden egg?

And sometimes he thinks of a wacky phrase that sounds great, for example, requiem for a kumquat, underwater harpsichord or Kalamazoo kitschy-co, and then develops a humorous definition or story for it.

Pete hopes the enjoyment you get from reading this book will encourage you to develop your own style of wackiness. Join in the fun. Words are wonderful toys to play with; they are everywhere and they’re all free.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Peter Mitas
• Release date: Feb 13, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310781742

Peter Mitas

I've gotten bored with the conventional way things are done and for the last decade I've made unconventional art by combining different materials. After taking a poetry class, I discovered that I have a knack for creating tales that surprise people and make them laugh because I combine aspects from different contexts. It's a form of play that I encourage everyone to try. I have previously published "Spirited Nonsense," a paperback available from Amazon.

Book preview

Requiem for a Kumquat

and other weird humor

By Peter J. Mitas

Published by Peter J. Mitas at Smashwords

Copyright 2015 Peter J. Mitas

ISBN 9781310781742

A collection of over 285 nonsense definitions and stories.

Contents

Introduction

Aardv Ark to Zanzi Bar

Index of Absurd Names

Introduction

Our somber culture desperately needs to be treated with a dose of humorous nonsense now and then.

I play with the meaning and sound of words until I find something that is unusual and interesting to write about. Pizza parlor twists into baby parlor. California wine echoes back as California whine. The ‘horn’ in great-horned owl becomes a car horn which sparks great-horned Cadillac.

Other ideas just spring to mind out of nowhere and beg to be developed into something that is surprising. For example, what if a woman, instead of a goose, gave birth to a golden egg?

And sometimes I think of a wacky phrase that sounds great to me, for example, underwater harpsichord or Kalamazoo kitschy-co, and then develop a weird definition or story for it.

I hope the enjoyment you get from reading this book will encourage you to develop your own style of wackiness. Join in the fun. Words are wonderful toys to play with; they are everywhere and they’re all free.

Pete Mitas

[e-mail]

- A -

Aardv Ark - Abracadabra - Abstract particular - Absurd nonsense - Absurd puzzles - Accidental flip-flop - Ad nauseum - Advice - Aesop’s tables - Afro dizzy yak - Air head - Alfredo, Master Poetry Chef - Algonquin club - Alligator shoes - American hairlines - Andrews’ blisters - Appalachian Whoopee - Applesauce vendetta - Ass and mash At the Center for Grieving Vegetables - At the Museum of Vanquished Seahorses - Atomic pile - Australia

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - X - Y - Z

Aardv Ark

The second ark built by Noah to transport a pair of Aardvs which had to be kept from other animals because they would eat anything alive, man or beast.

This ark landed in the Mediterranean and the Aardvs multiplied so rapidly that in three years time they occupied thousands of acres and created the Phoenician civilization.

Abracadabra

The last word spoken by Mephisto the Caliph before he vanished into thin air while performing his magic act for injured patients at the Hospital for Broken Violins in Budapest.

Abstract particular

A particular physical thing, such as a mud puddle, that, being abstract, allows you to jump in and sit down without getting wet.

Absurd nonsense

It was already Thursday, but Señor Clavore’s glass eye could not be found; therefore, having directed his neighbors to speak only falsehoods, he seized the toaster and set out at once for the edge of sanity, where the Blasphemous Curmudgeon still galumphed in a bereaving manner.

He presented it with a burnt piece of toast and passed on to the statue of Intestinal Distress to await the arrival of cramps.

Meanwhile, on the cliffs, Professor Charade in conversation with an erstwhile cousin, Victoria, saw that her secret was not her own, on which he leaped off the cliff’s edge and surreptitiously relieved himself.

She descended, rending her stockings to shreds, and sidled with mincing steps into a cave for a better view.

Heavens, how disheveled! Cried the people in the cavern, and she answered: Stir the soup!

In the back seat of a taxi, a cummerbund, or possibly a feral cat, disengaged itself from the waist of its passenger, causing those nearby to recollect the miseries of constipation.

It now became apparent (despite the lack of a sling shot) that something had happened to the schoolmaster; disturbing cackles were heard in the distance.

At twilight, however, no contact had been made at the séance, so the others retired to the nearby barber college only to discover that the faculty meeting about sideburns had been cancelled and the schoolmaster’s discarded wallet was empty save for a sand painting on which was written a single word: Dolores.

(Inspired by Edward Gorey’s The Object Lesson.)

Absurd puzzles

If your physician were a dwarf, would you dress like Snow White and address him as Doc?

Since Isabella hears music in her head whenever she files her nails, should I encourage her to take up the violin?

Has anyone ever been so bored that they counted the number of curds in a container of cottage cheese?

If the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Indonesia can influence a tornado in Oklahoma, why haven’t we sent in a drone to destroy it?

To count the number of leaves in New York’s Central Park, would it be smarter to: (a) pick them off trees one at a time in the summer, or (b) wait till after fall and pick them up as they blew on the ground? (Of course, then you’d have to add in those stubborn suckers that still clung to branches.)

Is there a CSI tool that could scan a photo of Abraham Lincoln and tell us if that sad, old man ever smiled?

If you kill a queen bee, just how many bees have you really eliminated, counting all the succeeding generations that will never exist?

Can Google figure out how many Wikipedia pages have never, ever been viewed by people of Armenian extraction?

Is there a correlation between heart attack victims and people who fretted and bit their nails as children?

Accidental flip-flop

A slip of the tongue that makes you say things that are contrary to your core beliefs.

For example, when Fidel Castro addresses a crowd in Havana and accidentally says, I really despise communism!

Ad nauseum

A condition experienced by Horatio Hornblower when staying at home between sea voyages.

Maria, his wife, was addicted to watching soap operas on TV. After watching dozens of advertisements, Horatio had to rush to the outhouse and vomit his guts out.

Advice

Emily had spent most of her life confused and searching for answers, directions, and guidance about how to dress,