The English Parent: Is it Okay to Be Me?

By Samantha Jordan

This book is a story from the heart, exploring the realities of parenting & the ups and downs of everyday life! We follow Samantha through a year in her life as she explores the emotions she felt as a woman, mother, wife, daughter and friend! With an in depth mix of comedy, sorrow, pain, confusion and revelation, it's amazing to get the opportunity to join a mother in her journey through life and see the power of her faith in God and love for her family! Written so refreshingly with real honesty, this book is so easy to read...that you don't want to put it down!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 7, 2014
• ISBN: 9781631923982

Book preview

9781631923982

Chapter One

SATURDAY, 20TH OCTOBER

It was 10.30am and I was walking around a nature reserve trying to capture the beauty and wonder of God’s creation. But I was a bit concerned because, apart from the really friendly elderly folk and the usual dog walkers, there was a slightly odd looking 30-something man wearing a full armour of denim and a cycling helmet, even though he wasn’t on a bike, and he was wandering round muttering to himself and making strange noises.

My husband, Colin, works in a prison and, as is usual for him, had recently warned me about walking round parks or nature reserves alone, as he counsels people who sometimes frequent these types of places with evil intent. I felt annoyed that in all the hustle and bustle of a stressful life, our places of relaxation can be spoiled by thoughts of possible life-threatening attacks by deranged individuals. They don’t give a monkey’s that you’re having a bad day and need half an hour away from it all. Anyway, I prayed all the way around three of the more open walks, catching up with and then walking closely behind an elderly couple.

I needed this time as I felt I had been stretched to my limit with life’s demands, including being the mother of three children aged seven, five and 18 months old. My husband, who worked hard all day and seems to have been on a course forever, studied most evenings at the local university. He couldn’t study at home as he struggled to concentrate there and it was too easy to procrastinate.

I work as an Out Of Hours nurse at weekends and some evenings. But of course, as a mother I’m also the cleaner, chef, ‘iron-in’ lady, child-minder, after-school programme provider, assistant primary teacher, chauffeur, family fitness and exercise instructor, party planner and general entertainer and occasional dancer and dance instructor – none of which, as you know, have sick pay, annual leave, pension or weekend leave. Sometimes, I reached the point where I felt that the children I love deeply and completely would be better off without me and I would find myself saying all the things I vowed I would never say. You know, the things that that used to be under your breath are now ‘out there’ and suddenly you hear yourself saying the unsayable, ‘One day I’m going to leave you all, because I can’t take any more of all this nonsense’. Then, racked with guilt, you have a melt down.

Of course, something else did trigger my soul-searching hike – and it was pretty big. We had planned our first big family holiday and a week ago we should have been flying to Hong Kong to spend time with two of our closest friends in an apartment on Lantau Island.

I had visited them two years ago for my fortieth birthday treat and had seen that it would be an ideal holiday for the kids and for Colin. The island had lots of pools and activities and, only a 30min ferry ride there was the excitement of Hong Kong city and Disneyland Hong Kong! Although we’d been planning for the trip, as the time came closer, we’d really struggled to afford it. It was partly because I’d had a humanitarian brain surge during the summer and had only recently come back from Cambodia where I’d spent a week as a medical volunteer as part of an international team. Sadly, the fund raising hadn’t brought in as much as we’d hoped. But we felt that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for our family so we decided we’d still go for it. Of course, holidays are a bit like Christmas for Colin and the kids – they just turn up and, as if by magic, it has all been done. We, of course ladies, are stressed out of our heads. But, for all our moaning, I guess if we were honest we wouldn’t give up the role as no one can do it quite like us. At the end of the day I need to enjoy the occasion when it’s all been done and I would be niggling about all sorts of missed essentials and pulling that horribly strained face that my husband knows so well when I’m trying to hide my disappointment.

Anyway, I had done the prep for the holiday, although the packing nearly finished me off. I’d shot around town for last minute late summer bargains, made sure the house was left in some degree of order and that all other family commitments had been sorted. We picked the children up from school at lunchtime and started the three and a half hour journey to Gatwick.

Our flight was at 8.40pm so we felt we had ample time. We could have stayed in a hotel the night before or left in the morning but we didn’t want the children to be hanging around in the airport for too long. Our friends usually left around this time to catch the same flight home to Hong Kong from Gatwick when they’d visited us before so we felt confident we’d arrive at 5.30ish after a quick loo stop, and plus three hours checking in time – perfect!

We missed the flight. We weren’t even close!

The traffic was unbelievable! Colin is from the London area and knows how bad it could be, but we sat for nearly two hours in traffic only ten miles from Gatwick. I rang the airline only to find that the next flight we could get on was in two weeks - two days before we were due to fly back! The kids were sobbing and, after I had gotten over the shock, I joined them. Colin took us to the nearest hotel for the night and spent the evening and the next morning on the internet trying to find an alternative – but we’d lost so much money already and only had the ‘spends’ with which to re-book something. Can you hear those violins playing? Our two-week glorious Hong Kong holiday turned into four nights at Center Parcs 40 minutes from where we live. To add insult to injury, we lost a further £173 when we changed our HK dollars back to Sterling.

So, having travelled home and re-packed for an autumn break in England and already stressed by life in general, the day after we arrived for our holiday at Center Parcs I began to have a melt down and felt like I was going to have to leave forever and live a life of solitude on an island somewhere where there were no people and no demands could be made of me.

Colin, being psychiatric trained and clearly possessing the abilities of Deanna Troy from Star Trek, Next Generation, quickly observed that I was not happy (must have been the rocking back and forth in the corner of the room, clapping, with saliva dripping from the corner of my mouth) and suggested I book into a local motel for two nights, on my own, after we returned from Center Parcs. I didn’t need persuading and the smoke from my heels left an obvious steamy trail in the cold autumn air as I retreated, muttering a tearful goodbye.

So, here I am walking round the nature reserve soaking in all that is peaceful wanting a good chat with God about my life and how I seriously needed help to change my approach. Every now and then the demands of life get on top of me and I take myself away to have some time with God. I usually feel refreshed afterwards but normally it’s not very long before I start to feel overwhelmed again and I desperately wanted God to show me how, this time, it could be different when I returned. I felt that God showed me that I already knew what I had to do to approach things differently but I needed to change the stance I approached life from, to actually make any changes.

I have to say I was a bit confused by what He meant by that, but He soon gently told me. God is good and is a Heavenly Father who longs to lavish His blessings on His children, not tell them off on every occasion. He showed me that I carried a heavy burden of guilt and self-disappointment on my shoulders and while I carried those feelings I would always approach family life from the stance of being a victim. I had made myself a victim to my circumstances and was almost fearful when I approached each new day with my family because I was already convinced that I was not going to be able to positively influence or direct the scenarios that would follow. Colin had only recently said to me that at the moment he came home after work his first view is of me standing in the kitchen hooked over with a wizened look on my face (he did an impression and it was pretty funny actually, although disturbing). God brought that not-so-flattering picture back to me, explaining that the reason I am unable to straighten up my posture at that moment is because I’m carrying so much guilt and self-disappointment. He gently told me that He wasn’t disappointed in me and no condemnation or guilt was coming from Him as He loves me so completely. He showed me that I would have a far greater chance of being the mum that I want to be if I forgave myself completely and got rid of all guilt and self-condemnation. If I could embrace the saying ‘take each day as it comes’ then I could approach each new day with a lightness in my spirit without having to fear that it’s all going to go wrong again and I’m going to fail at being a good mum. I needed to learn that even if yesterday I blew it with my kids, I could rejoice in a new day and be glad in it and learn to truly start anew, by not carrying yesterday’s failures with me. I could see so clearly now how I had been living with a sense of being defeated already - I had allowed myself to become a victim and needed to stand tall.

I felt my back creaking as I tried to stand up straight, and it felt good to shake off my self-disappointments and decide to take charge of my life again. At the end of the day I knew that the only way that I could hope to be the mum I longed to be was to spend time with my Heavenly Father getting to know Him and His love for me. Allowing Him to transform me by the renewal of my mind through spending any snippet of time I could in His Word. Let’s face it, a snippet is all you’re likely to have when you’ve got young children, but God understands that and He will maximise the power available in those few moments to make a difference in your life. I knew I had met with a Father who loves me dearly and wanted the absolute best for me and my family and it made all the difference. Afterwards I went to Asda to buy snacks and alcohol for the motel room (trying to save money, of course) and came out with a pair of jeans, a belt and a new top. What? They were in the sale – it would have been rude not to buy them.

Chapter Two

SUNDAY, 21ST OCTOBER

I’d been thinking about writing a diary book for a while as, when you have kids, it is seriously worth writing about. If you didn’t laugh at the ridiculousness of all that occurs, and especially our responses as mothers, then you’re missing the whole point of being here. Let’s face it they don’t genuinely set out to drive you completely crazy, do they? Or do they! When I reflect on the last seven years since beginning our family I am quite shocked at the character development that has occurred within me. Or should I say character decline! Before I had children I truly thought I had become a good Christian woman who had a great attitude to life and people and was disciplined, managed her time well, relatively peaceful, motivated, inspired, a ‘getting out there and grabbing life with both hands’ type of person. The reality was that since having children I’d become confused, harsh, disorganised, bad tempered, intolerant and a general joke.

So there I was, sitting in my hotel room for the last day knowing that I’d be checking out in two hours and going to see my wonderful family again, all of whom I have dearly missed. I was feeling a bit knackered because some joker went down the corridor at 4.30am banging on doors clearly under the impression that most of us had requested an early wake-up call – by him! So, lying there awake at 5am I remembered I had conveniently brought the Diazepam prescribed for a muscle injury a couple of years ago and dropped one of those. Well I didn’t exactly drop it on the floor, I swallowed it – yeah, yeah, you get what I mean - and slept till 9.40am – unheard of! I stretched out on my king-sized bed with just enough room for me! Usually I’m hanging onto the precipice of the edge of the bed while four other bodies fight over me until I get up, moaning about not having enough sleep - again, - and climb into one of their bunk beds in the other room, pretending I’m just nipping to the toilet. I have around three minutes of peace before they realise it was a scam and then they all follow me in and squash into a single bed. Apart from Daddy of course, who has been completely unaware of any of this and has slept peacefully throughout it all! I love my kids though and it is nice to be needed! Before I dressed and packed I played some relaxing music and read my book on fitness and wellbeing and how to centre yourself and breathe effectively in stressful situations. I prayed for a while and read a chapter of Proverbs – always good for a few pearls of wisdom. It helped me to regain my focus and see where I had lost it previously. I arrived home at lunchtime – all the kids ran to meet me at the door yelling ‘Mummy, Mummy, Mummy’ and I threw my arms around them all, silently thanking God for how amazing they all are. I gave Colin a peck on the cheek – I would have liked a snog but he’s not really into that, especially when he’s been looking after the kids all weekend. ‘You mean you don’t feel like being amorous at the moment – aw, come on baby, I don’t understand why looking after the kids would make you feel so tired and unable to be intimate at the end of the day!’ (I of course am being facetious with just a hint of sarcasm). Anyway, thankfully he had re-packed ready for us to visit his mum in Aylesbury for a week. We were determined to have our fortnight away, even if it wasn’t HK. We decided to go to the nature reserve for lunch first and have a good walk so that we all got some exercise. Colin actually just wanted to get going to Aylesbury, but it was a two and a half hour journey and I like to schedule in some exercise for the kids every day if I can, so we went! Joshua insisted on bringing a metal canister with a rubber snail in it and clanged the snail on the canister like a drum all the way. Sharayah started to scream and cry for no apparent reason and Samara was getting upset because she felt I wasn’t listening to her properly as she told me about their weekend. I started my breathing exercises and remained centered and calm - thinking ‘here we go, bless ‘em’! After a few minutes I had to stop them and tried to chipper on happily about what an amazing time I’d had! Colin didn’t appear very attentive and able to focus, and was distracted by disciplining the kids – funny, but I always got the impression that, if he had to look after the kids all the time like me, he would manage it a lot better than I did! I, on the other hand, still felt reasonably upbeat and free, having been disentangled from family demands for the last 48hrs.

We arrived at the nature reserve and informed the kids firmly that we were going straight into the café and not into the shop this time. They, of course, ran straight into the shop and started to play with any toy that they could get their hands on, knowing it wasn’t going to last long. I breathed and centred – we called them through to the café. Although they said they were coming they carried on playing, so I calmly walked over, grabbed them all and gently dragged them into the café. I wore a pleasant, yet ,strained, smile as I waited in the queue and, as the children took it in turns to run up with their requests, I smiled lovingly making beautiful ‘alright darling’ noises. The food was great and they were surprisingly well behaved! Or was I just calmer? I’d read so many parenting books over the years, some of it had to rub off at some stage. We had the walk and the children chippered on, getting cross with each other as they all tried to get my attention. Meanwhile, I was trying to convince Colin of my need to re-join a health club after three years of not going – but knowing that, financially, it was probably not do-able. I had a few stressful moments on the walk, which reminded me that ‘I’ was still under there and I wondered if I would ever be able to change and be the person I really wanted to be. When I was on my own doing my own thing I felt so relaxed and I really hoped I would carry on being like that with the family, but I almost instantly felt myself revert to my usual negative way of doing things. What made it worse is that all of our children are really great, well-behaved kids and are not unruly, as such, but just being their age. Unfortunately, despite knowing that, it still drives me a little mad. I seriously feel like I cannot cope with it at times and I don’t like the feeling of not having control of the situations.

The journey to Aylesbury was noisy as Joshua continued to crash the metal canister lid, Sharayah screamed, for no apparent reason, and Samara cried about her ear hurting her. I breathed and tried to centre myself, smiling sweetly and trying to make a lot of helpful noises, until two hours later I began to huff and puff and started to swing my head round , barking at them. Colin reminded me that Sharayah was only 18 months old and that allowing myself to get so emotionally wound up by the whole thing wasn’t going to help anyone. I hotly responded by reminding him that it was only a few days ago that I was at the point of a melt-down and just because I’d had two days away and had returned with a new resolve to be a better person, the job clearly hadn’t been completed and I was obviously not as advanced in my family management skills as he was. He said he was just trying to help but I thought ‘I don’t want your help, I just want the children - all of them, even the 18-month-old - to do exactly what I say, when I say it, and we’ll all get on just fine’. I breathed and tried to centre myself.

We all slept in the back room at Nanny’s – no curtains up at the window, or a door, but that’s partly why we’re here. The kids took ages to settle, but finally we were able to have a good long chat with Colin’s Mum and Dad, who are always an inspiration. They discuss life issues and things that matter and have developed years of insight into the things of God – so it was an uplifting evening.

Chapter Three

MONDAY, 22ND OCTOBER

The plan was that Colin and Nanny would go to town to buy a houseful of curtain rails while I occupied the children. I really wanted Colin to be able to help Nanny because she has always done so much for everybody over the years, but this was also supposed to be our exciting Hong Kong holiday, so I was hoping for some balance in the time. I was up at 7am with the kids and prepared breakfast and woke Colin at 8.50am. He dressed and began measuring the windows for curtain poles. Colin and Nanny disappeared into town with our two-year-old niece, Kali, who’s minded by Nanny, and, one by one, I got each child washed, dressed, hair done, teeth done, face creamed, feeling as if they were on a conveyor belt as I started to round them up to go to the park.

I could sense the stress rising up the back of my neck and tried to breathe and centre myself but I soon resorted to my usual ranting and raving! I felt like I could just walk out and leave them all but I finally managed to get us all out the house and we headed for the park. I took it in turns to listen to each child’s musings and tried to remain calm as they continuously fought over whose turn it was to tell me something. Because they were all interrupting each other they forgot what they wanted to say and it wasn’t long before they were name calling each other. ‘You’re so annoying, poo head’ or ‘I hate you, willy boy’ were the favourite sayings that flew back and forth!

As we approached the park I went in pursuit of a take-away coffee establishment, feeling that there was no-way I could go into the park empty handed – that little coffee moment was my ‘me’ time! I was impressed at how super lovely I was to all the children while I was in the coffee shop and quietly patted myself on the back on how much I had changed and hoped I could keep it up at home when I wasn’t trying to impress all the people around me! The kids enjoyed playing in the park but I was a bit annoyed with myself that they had old boots, shoes and coats back at the house for these exact occasions and I had dressed them in all their new, good stuff to thrash around in the sandpit. What had I been thinking? I had been so busy trying to be the calm, lovely mummy that the question ‘Are they properly dressed for playing in the park?’ was the last thing on my mind. I know I’m an established multi-tasker but to focus on staying calm something else usually had to give. As I watched them play and they waved and beamed over at me I again, quietly, thanked God for how amazing my children are! It’s not them – it’s me! I pleaded with God to help me to be the mummy He was calling me to be. I wanted to be able to grasp that this was my most important role right now and I needed to embrace all that it entailed, rather than resent it as an imposition most of the time. I seemed to be so angry at all that I had to do, as if it wasn’t fair somehow. But I knew deep down that there must be a way of seeing motherhood in a more positive light. I knew that the rewards of motherhood can be immense in so many other ways, but yet I still had a feeling of annoyance inside, of wanting to have some control over what was happening with my time.

It’s always about the children, husband (although I think he would have disagreed about that) housework, school runs, toddler groups and work shifts! I told myself to stop bitching about it and I remembered that Gerald Coates, the founder of the Pioneer network of churches, once said: You chose to have children, so it’s your job to look after them.

We started home for lunch, looking forward to spending time with Daddy in the afternoon. On our way, we nipped into four charity shops and bought some videos, a book and a cardie for Sharayah. Needs must, I thought. Spending 10p each on Stuart Little and Flubber beats going to Woolworth’s and spending at least a tenner on new DVDs, which will be scratched to pieces within 48hrs – and the kids were over the moon! But I arrived home only to find that Colin hadn’t been able to start work on the curtain rails yet and Nanny couldn’t find the necessary tools so they would have to go back into town to buy some. Resentfully, I thought, great, you have yourselves a nice day.

This time they left Kali with us and although it was a joy to get to know her more, it ended up being a long afternoon because without a double buggy we had to stay indoors and Samara and Joshua were disappointed that they couldn’t go to the different park I’d said we would visit in the afternoon. Thankfully, Samara and Joshua found some games on the children’s interactive TV channel and mainly occupied themselves while I sang songs, played games and drew pictures with Kali and Sharayah. It was fun, but I felt myself getting more and more stressed and resentful as teatime approached and Colin had still not been able to fit a curtain pole despite working in another room. I didn’t mind him not being with us for the first day, if only he’d had most of the six curtain poles fitted, but by 8.15pm he’d only finished one room. I was not happy and grabbed the Jamaican rum (84% proof) with apple juice after I put all the kids to bed. I have to say I was, again, pleasantly surprised at how well I’d coped with bedtime. I’d read a story, sang a song, prayed and was an all-time amazing mum, considering how annoyed I’d felt. I’d wanted to think I was changing, but I suspect it was because I knew I’d had an audience in Nanny and Grandad. Why, I wondered, was it so difficult to be this nice when I’m at home by myself? I mean, I know God is watching me and how I respond to the children but for some bizarre reason that doesn’t seem to be enough to stop me from being stressed, harsh and cross at bedtimes.

Colin had his dinner and fell asleep on the sofa and I sat writing this. Nanny had gone to work a night shift, despite having Kali to look after tomorrow – I really didn’t know how she did it, she really is a strong woman of God. Sometimes I couldn’t make my mind up if I was genuinely whacked out with my stressful life or if it wasn’t really that bad and I was just a lightweight. I realised, as I wrote, that while there are a lot of demands to cope with, my approach to them was probably the problem.

Chapter Four

TUESDAY, 23RD OCTOBER

Today, I woke up to two sets of big brown eyes staring at me, one set informing me that he’d had a really good sleep. Colin snuggled up to my back and his eyelashes fluttered against my ear. Reflected momentarily on how blessed I am, then, ‘Come on Mummy, we want to watch Flubber’ from Joshua who started pulling at me. I dragged myself out of bed and caught sight of yet another pair of big brown eyes, this time from Sharayah, who was peering at me from her cot as she stood there patiently waiting for me to notice her, so we went down stairs for breakfast and a movie. I do love holidays when you don’t have to rush around for school and all the madness that it produces. Still, I knew that by next week I’d be looking forward to getting back into the daily routine and not having as many demands made of me from little people throughout the day.

After giving everyone their breakfasts, drinks, showers, clothes, toothbrushes, and tidying hair, I got the changing bag ready, all while snatching odd moments to watch Flubber with Samara who I know would love me to sit and watch an entire film with her without me shooting off to do other things. This time I chose the right shoes and coats for play and tried to steer the kids towards the back door! Already I felt the tension rising up the back of my neck and had started to huff and puff and make exasperated comments.