How To Get Away With Murder In New York

By Michael Schwed

"How To Get Away With Murder In New York" is an irreverent look at crime and the criminal justice system in New York. More than that, it is a satirical look at modern society where almost anything can be merchandised, even murder. The book skillfully demonstrates how murders can be planned and executed flawlessly and at the same time, kills the reader with laughter. This book is so funny you will want to read it time and time again, so buy several copies so you won't run out!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Schwed
• Release date: Sep 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310431463

Michael Schwed

69 year old criminal defense attorney. Author of "How to Get Away With Murder in New York, available on the Kindle.

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How To Get Away With Murder In New York

By

Michael J. Schwed

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY:

Michael J. Schwed on Smashwords

How To Get Away With Murder

Copyright © 2000 by Michael J. Schwed

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

To: Stacy and David, be aware of synchronistic events and never

fail to believe in belief and yourselves.

INTRODUCTION

The authors of this book, after having spent a lifetime with criminals, have decided to write a definitive social satire on how to commit a Murder for profit or revenge and how to get away with it. The authors have spent, collectively, 34 years in the field of Criminal Law. For eight years they labored to put immoral, unethical, hardened criminals behind bars and for 26 years they fought tirelessly to prevent those same miscreants from going to jail, while being paid handsomely for their efforts.

They have handled more than 40 murder cases, most of which had a successful result. Co-Author Mike Schwed also lectured at a Private University as an Assistant Professor of Criminal Justice and Co-Author David Zucker has been often referred to as an expert at Criminal Appeals, mostly by Mike Schwed.

These two men have pooled their expertise and produced the first ever how to book of its kind anywhere. With the Murder rate skyrocketing nationwide, with more and more people being charged and convicted of Murder, it is certainly time for a book on How To Get Away With Murder to have been written. Certainly, with the prison population reaching astronomical proportions, something needs to be done to reduce the numbers of people convicted of crimes. This book, if followed religiously, should help reduce the number of people convicted of Murder, thus freeing the Police to write Summonses for double parking and other hazards to the public welfare.

While this book is aimed mainly at those who have made the decision to bump someone off, others will find the instructions and insights contained herein of great interest and possibly of

future value. The time may well come when you will want to do someone in and, having read this book you will be forearmed with the necessary tools and knowledge to pull it off and walk away scot free, or, if caught, beat the case in court!

You might, for example, come home to find your wife in bed with another man, or your husband in bed with another woman, or your husband in bed with another man. Are you going to say excuse me I think such actions violate the sanctity of our marital pledge, or are you going to act like a person with guts and courage and blow the fucker away. Once you have read this book you can rise to the occasion as any true red blooded American would without the fear of the annoying consequences.

MONEY BACK GUARANTEE

The authors of this book have duly authorized the publisher to make this money back guarantee which will be paid out of the authors own pockets!

If for any reason you are arrested, convicted and sentenced for the crime of Murder in the State of New York to the mandatory minimum sentence of 15 years to Life imprisonment and:

a) You have read the entire book

b) You have followed all the instructions

c) You have committed the crime in New York City d) You have not confessed to the crime

then upon presentation of the book and a receipt of payment your full purchase price will be promptly refunded, less shipping and handling and a small restocking fee.

NOTE: In the event New York should exact a death penalty, payment will be made to your next of kin upon satisfactory receipt of a valid Death Certificate in your name.

AUTOMATIC DISCOUNT

If you are convicted of Murder in the State of New York the authors have agreed to handle your Appeal at 20% off the usually and customary fee they charge to appeal Murder cases. There is no proof of purchase required, however, all fees must be paid in cash only.

NOTE: The use of this discount cannot be combined with any other offer, such as the money back guarantee.

DISCLAIMER

If you or a relative are a victim of someone who has utilized the instructions in this book, then the authors hereby disclaim all liability both civilly and criminally. Furthermore, be advised that the authors will avoid all Service of Process, that means they won't accept any summonses. Even if you could find them be forewarned that they have transferred all their assets to their wives and are judgment proof. If you sue and win, despite this disclaimer, good luck collecting the judgment

FURTHER DISCLAIMER

Please note that the authors of this book are not advocating the taking of a human life. The subject matter of this book is intended as social satire as well as political comment and if you can't take a joke pooh on you.

F.B.I. WARNING

Any copying, quoting, public display or other use of this material without the express written consent of the authors is a violation of copyright law and would subject the perpetrator to a stiff penalty, or lawsuit, as well as other forms of appropriate retribution.

CHAPTER ONE

CHOOSING YOUR VICTIM

Congratulations! Making the decision to kill someone is no easy task. Everyone, since birth, has been taught that killing is a sin. Reaching the decision to commit a murder takes a great deal of courage because you are acting against all your moral training both religious and secular.

Perhaps if you are not quite sure you should consider society's view of Murder in its general context. For example, Murder or rather killing, is perfectly permissible during time of war. In fact, the refusal to kill the enemy during battle can be punished by summary execution, prompting the adage kill or be killed. Killing the unborn, as in abortion, is also acceptable as a facet of a woman's right to destroy something growing inside her body before it has time to exercise its own independent existence. It is also okay to kill in self defense and some people feel it's okay to kill the hopelessly infirm as long as they are unable to object. This final type has been referred to as mercy killing which is intended to grant mercy to those who have long since ceased to be aware that someone is putting them out of their misery. From all this one can reinterpret the Second Commandment to be thou shall not kill except under the following circumstances.

Killing then is okay as long as it serves a legitimate social purpose. Other than the Okay Killings there are three types we wish to discuss. They are as follows:

1) Killing for profit

2) Killing for revenge

3) Killing for fun

This book will deal primarily with killing for profit and revenge. We totally abhor killing for fun or sport. Such acts are totally without redeeming social value and individuals who commit these acts are nothing more than sick, self indulgent, worthless human beings. We therefore, urge any reader who plans to kill for fun or sport, whether his target is human, animal, or extraterrestrial, to immediately stop reading this book and return it to the bookstore where it was purchased. If you fill out the return slip marked I Kill For Fun you will receive a credit at the store toward the purchase of another book. (This offer is valid only at participating bookstores).

The category Killing by mistake during the commission of another crime will be covered in a subsequent book to be titled Oops, I did not know the gun was loaded.

KILLING FOR PROFIT

Killing for profit has been a time honored socially acceptable form of killing. Government sponsored "Killing for

Profit, commonly referred to as war has been practiced for centuries. The Army that is victorious always exacts a price on the loser. The Death Penalty is another form of Government sponsored killing. One can easily see the profit motive behind the electric chair". Besides the immediate benefit reaped by the electric company, the savings to the State is enormous. The cost of housing, feeding and caring for an inmate for 20 to 30 years is enormous. If a prisoner could be executed one year from the date of his incarceration, then in 30 years the same prison space could house 30 people. Multiply that by a thousand murderers a year and you can see how space is easily made available for 30,000 extra prisoners. That's 30,000 more arrests, 30,000 more legal fees to be paid to lawyers, without spending one extra dime on prison guards or prisons.

Governments realize that at times it becomes necessary to eliminate an individual or groups of individuals for the benefit (which means profit) of others in the society. Sometimes whole races are wiped out.

Killing for profit then, is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone wants a better life, more money and time to have fun and sex (which do not always occur at the same time). So, don't hesitate, don't let the train pass, don't let the ship sail away without you. Reach out and grab that peace of the apple -- you deserve it.

Your profit can come from an old Maiden Aunt, a testy grandfather, a disagreeable partner, a competitor, or perhaps that guy at the office whose job you'd have if and when he retires. Look around, there are many people you may not even have noticed, who would enrich your life if they just disappeared.

KILLING FOR REVENGE

Killing for revenge is the noblest of deeds. It's the biblical eye for an eye or in street jargon fuck with me and I'll fuck with you! It can lift an otherwise ordinary mortal up to the heights of public hero worship. Take as an example, the New York subway gunman. He was a meek, wimpy, skinny puke of a man until one day he struck out boldly in revenge and heard the echo of cheers in response to his noble act. While it is true no one was killed and also true that he got caught, you must remember he did not have the benefit of having read this book first. Nevertheless, you can appreciate the positive social value that can attach to a good revenge killing.

Ask yourself Have I been dissed (a term which generally infers someone has acted toward you in a dishonorable manner) lately? Has my best friend screwed my wife, or husband or both? Did that teacher have to flunk me, and did he laugh when he did it? Did the neighbors dog shit on my lawn by accident or was he lead to the spot? Do non-smokers really deserve to live?"

There are probably thousands of insults you've suffered in silence. Thousands of chips cut away from your self image, by people who don't deserve to breath the same air you do! Now, you can choose to have them not breathe at all. Restore your sense of honor and rebuild that self image by realizing that you do not have to take it anymore.

YOUR VICTIM

If you have already chosen your victim you can skip the balance of this chapter and go directly to Chapter 2 WEAPONS SELECTION. If you have made the decision to kill but have not as yet picked the recipient you should find the following material helpful in choosing the right person.

If you are considering a profit killing of a relative, several factors must be examined in advance. The profit you are hoping for will be gained by inheritance, in other words you expect to own the dudes money and property after his death. Have you considered what the law says happens to his stuff if he has no will. If the target is your Uncle, for example, and he has no wife or children then, under New York Law and most other jurisdictions, the money goes to his brothers or sisters, or in your case to your other Uncles or Aunts or to your parent if he or she is a brother or sister of your Uncle. This might seem confusing, but, if you do not do your research your For Profit killing may turn out to be Not For Profit with respect to you. You must do your homework!

Review the following checklist carefully before making your final selection. If you cannot find a suitable victim you may have to consider switching to a Revenge Killing instead.

CHECKLIST

1. RELATIONSHIP OF VICTIM (ie. Uncle, Aunt, Great Uncle, Great Aunt, Grandfather, Grandmother, Brother, Sister, Nephew, Niece, Cousin, Other -- Circle One) Note that we frown upon killing either your parents or your children since the profit that may be derived there from can never overcome the stigma attached thereto. Such killings are usually viewed as being in bad taste and are not generally acceptable in most Western cultures. Nevertheless, if your target falls within that category, circle other and proceed with the checklist. However, choosing that type of victim will invalidate all money back guarantees and discounts. Furthermore, if you need legal assistance, should you be caught, neither of the authors will represent you since we have to draw the line somewhere.

2. DOES THE VICTIM HAVE A WILL? Yes No

3. If the answer to Question 2 is Yes skip to Question number 5. If your answer is No you will need to do some research to determine the line of descent which in New York can be located in the Estates Powers and Trusts Act.

The easiest method is to contact the local courthouse where Wills are filed. In New York this Court is called the Surrogate Court. Tell the clerk at the Court that your relative died without a Will and you wanted to know who would inherit the estate. This is best done by phone since the clerk could become a potential witness against you if he should later learn that your question was premature. Also, never give the true name of your relative when making the inquiry lest the clerk should remember this later on if he should learn of the killing. For the same reason you should not give your true name if you are asked. For example, you could say:

Hello, my name is Bart Simpson. My Uncle Fred Flintstone died and I want to know who gets his money?

Whatever information you receive from the clerk must be further verified. The clerks at