Bernie the One-Eyed Puggle & Other Observations: The View From My Very Quirky, Very Ordinary Life

By Jeanne Van Wieren

And Then the Dog's Eyeball Fell Out is a collection of funny, thoughtful essays about "the very quirky very ordinary life" of Jeanne Van Wieren. The book looks at the life of a 60+ year old woman with wicked powers of observation. Subjects include emergency trips to the veterinary clinic, the benefits of pimento cheese spread, how to live like an artist and how to change the world with courtesy. Animals, making art and soup, her beloved state of Michigan and the honesty of children are also examined with tongue firmly in cheek. The book also includes many original illustrations by Jeanne Van Wieren.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jeanne Van Wieren
• Release date: Sep 2, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311069641

Jeanne Van Wieren

I am a 63-year-old writer and artist with a quirky way of looking at the world. I am a former teacher, commercial writer, newspaper reporter and coordinator of a non-profit organization. I happily share my life with my husband Don, dogs Bernie and Katie and two horses, two geriatric sheep and about 20 chickens. I am an avid reader and a happy resident of "The Mitten," the Great Lakes State of Michigan.

Book preview

Bernie the One-Eyed Puggle and the Animals in My Life

Bernie the One-Eyed Puggle

Okay, he was probably not much of a looker when we adopted him from Ingham County Animal Shelter’s Adopt-a-Thon several years ago. Bernie is a Puggle, a fawn colored Beagle-Pug cross, a sturdy, perhaps even tubby, 40-plus pounds of good will to all and any food on the floor belongs to him. Don and I wanted a companion for our Husky, Katie. Katie is a beauty, caramel colored with a trim silhouette and arresting hazel eyes rimmed in black. If there were a fairy tale about a Princess Golden Wolf who conquered evil with her sweetness, that would be the story of Katie.

So we brought the pudgy Puggle home and refined his name of record Bernard to Bernie Madoff. He stole our hearts but left our 401(k) alone. Bernie and Katie became fast friends. There were setbacks. The day after we brought him home, it was obvious Bernie was a sick little guy. An infection resulted from his neutering and it took a couple trips to the vet’s to clear it up. Yes, Bernie wore the Cone of Shame but he wore it with jaunty good humor.

With this habit of harmony, the great friendship of Bernie and Katie, you can imagine my surprise when I walked into the house one summer afternoon and found Bernie standing in the kitchen, his tail wagging and his left eyeball outside of its socket. Well, I screamed. Luckily on that day a good friend and carpenter was working on our bathroom remodeling project and he ran downstairs immediately, pretty sure we were under attack from zombies or possibly drones.

What? What? he asked.

Bernie’s eyeball fell out! I replied with just a touch of hysteria. Well, who wouldn’t be a little hysterical if their dog’s eyeball fell out? I can’t look. What does it look like?

It looks like his eyeball fell out but otherwise, he looks okay. In reconstructing the crime scene, we decided that Katie and Bernie were arguing over possession of a rawhide chew toy. Bernie lost.

My reluctant but gallant emergency aide put Bernie in the car and I sped off (in my case, speeding off means speeds of up to 45 mph) to the Michigan State University Vet Clinic. Bernie seemed particularly sanguine for someone with an eyeball hanging out of its socket. The vets later told me the optic nerve had been severed right away so he was feeling just fine.

Bernie, still wagging his tail and looking like an extra from the Thriller video, and I walked into the emergency entrance. A very sweet elderly couple and their very sweet elderly dog were talking with the receptionist.

My dog’s eyeball fell out! I said, perhaps a little more loudly than was really necessary. If you want to make a memorable entrance, just bellow that your dog’s eyeball has fallen out and you’ll be the absolute center of attention.

The staff, the students, the vets, everybody was remarkably kind and professional, which are qualities to balance. You have the most awesome dog, at least three people told me. His eyeball was hanging out and he’s still wagging his tail and making friends. Yup, that’s Bernie Madoff. Your heart’s his and hang on to your assets.

Anyway, the eye couldn’t be saved. The skin over the socket is neatly stitched together and now perfectly healed. At first glance, you might think the Puggle is just winking. Don has suggested on many occasions it would be funny to get Bernie an eye patch and dress him up as a pirate for Halloween. I think not.

The lesson of this story is, appearances are not important to a Puggle. Who cares if he’s only got one eye, he’s still got all the kibble he wants and a warm spot on the couch by the wood-burning stove. Two eyes or one, enjoy the good things and turn a blind eye (sorry, couldn’t resist that) to the rest.

Bernie’s Day

Ever since I wrote about Bernie’s and my adventure when his eyeball fell out, countless people have asked me, How’s Bernie doing? Well, countless may be a stretch. Maybe three. Maybe two?

But no matter. Bernie has asked me to let his many (two) fans know that he is doing great. He thought you might be interested to know how he spends his days. So, welcome to A Puggle’s Day Planner. It’s Bernie’s World and we’re all just livin’ in it.

6:00 a.m. Begin process of waking up Jeanne and Don. Jump up on trunk next to bed and stare at Jeanne. Try to use psychic brain waves to get her up. If that does not work (and you’d be surprised how often it does), lick her nose. That always works.

6:45 a.m. Go on morning walk with Katie the Husky. Now that the Never Ending Winter seems done, no need to wear my snappy red plaid jacket or boots. Jeanne is not very good at putting my boots on. She usually swears at some point. Head out