Biblerotica

By Christina Faith

The Bible is the world’s best-selling and most widely distributed book and it’s little surprise given that it’s packed from cover to cover with stories of blood and battles, scandal and sex. Sex? If you didn’t think there was any sex in the Bible, think again. Anyone who has read "The Good Book" knows that it makes Games of Thrones look like playschool. Surprised? You shouldn’t be.

There are tales of orgies, homosexuality, incest, polygamy, prostitution, and even accounts of monster sex. Don’t believe me? Go and grab yourself a copy now.

Alternatively, you could try "Biblerotica" - a collection of 15 of the hottest Bible Sex Stories which have been brought bang up to date. Each story is based on actual bible passages, and is referenced accordingly. The stories have been carefully selected for maximum titillation and amusement and can be enjoyed by Christians and Non-Christians alike.

What was happening while Noah was building such a bloody big boat? What did Cain do while he was in the wilderness? What on earth did Lot get up to with his daughters? You’ll find the answers to these questions and more in "Biblerotica" – the book which reveals the Bible’s most secret sections.

I hope "Biblerotica" encourages more people to pick up The Bible and see it in a new light.

God bless.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christina Faith
• Release date: Aug 31, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311712370

Christina Faith

I grew up with deeply religious parents. No TV, no radio allowed in the bedroom and the only book allowed was The Bible. When you’ve only got one book to read, you tend to read it. I read The Bible. Maybe not all of it, but I read the good bits. The good bits make Games of Thrones look like playschool... only you have to use your imagination. It isn’t given to you in glorious HD but these are the words of God. That’s what I was told and that’s what I believed. How cool was that?Obviously my friends didn’t think so, so I learned to keep quiet about my night time reading habits.I took those pithy lines about blood and battles, sex and scandal and built worlds around them. Who were these people who ran around waging war on each other? The heroes and the villains, the whores and the holy men.The Bible was brilliant but in a way that would have shocked and horrified my mother. What came next was inevitable (masturbation).

Book preview

Biblerotica

By Christina Faith

Copyright © 2014 Christina Faith

Cover Photo Rights Licensed © 2014 Shutterstock

Smashwords Edition

The rights to this story are owned by the author. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author.

License Notes: This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be resold, or given away to people.

Contents

Adam: Eve makes my cock hard

Cain: I took my sister out into the desert and then cheated on her

Lamech: One wife just isn't enough

Noah: Even the flying monsters are horny

Sarai: I fucked a Pharaoh

Hagar: It's your duty to shag my husband

Lot: Why shouldn't I offer my virgin daughters to the orgy-goers?

Lot: I was seduced by my virgin daughters

Jacob: I shagged my cousin and I loved it

Judah: She couldn't wait until our wedding night

Er: Having children will ruin my sex life

Judah: I shagged a prostitute, not realising she was my daughter-in-law

Jonathan: I gave David a very special massage

David: I won't go into battle without having a shag first

David: I couldn't resist one last virgin

Adam: Eve makes my cock hard

Genesis 2 King James Version (KJV)

²¹ And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

²² And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

²³ And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

²⁴ Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

²⁵ And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

And God said unto Adam, Did you do that, you little fucknut? Adam tried to avoid looking pleased with himself. He had found that looking pleased with himself was a dead giveaway when God was bollocking him.

Do what? Adam asked innocently. Playing innocent was liable to bring out the Great Frown.

The brown scorch mark on My lawn.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. God preferred Adam to be good but if he had done something bad, it was expected that Adam simply own up to it.

The problem for Adam was that there wasn’t much in the way of amusement in the Garden of Eden. As far as things to play with, Adam only had one – his thingy. It had been the source of much amusement to find that he could turn God’s green grass brown by weeing on it.

It gave him something to do.

As far as he knew, his thingy was designed for turning the grass brown, watering the trees and drowning creatures small enough and slow enough to not be able to run away. Adam only did the latter when God wasn’t looking but since He was omnipotent and didn’t seem to sleep, opportunities had been limited.

Adam, will you please stop pissing about? God had said for the umpteenth time. Adam tried to look rueful but the truth of it was that he was bored. He’d had to wait days until the urine burns had become visible in God’s grass. It says, ‘Adam woz ‘ere.’ in what looks suspiciously like a urine scorch mark on my lawn.

Does it? Adam gasped, trying for shock. ‘Adam woz ‘ere.’ had a nice ring about it.

I’m thinking that since you’re the only creature who has a vocabulary and is called ‘Adam’ that it might have been you. Was it you, you little fucknut? God asked, His face wearing The Almighty Scowl.

Might have been, Adam said, trying to seem genuinely uncertain.

I’m beginning to regret this free will thing, God muttered under His breath. ‘Adam woz ‘ere’

Don’t forget the dot, Adam said. Adam woz ‘ere, dot.

Dot? God asked.

As in the year zero.

What’s a ‘year’? God asked.

It’s a measurement of time.

You know what? That’s not a bad idea… I might use that somewhere. Anyway, about my lawn. God looked down. I can see that you’ve grown attached to the little thing I gave you.

Yeah. It’s great.

God pondered. You know what… you need something that’s going to stop you pissing around so much. What you need, my boy, is a distraction.

What kind of a distraction?

God sniggered. Adam had never heard God snigger before and it made him nervous.

Oh, that’s good. Yes. I like that.

What?

I’m going to give you a present.

Another one? You’ve already given me the land and the water and the air and all these wild animals and stuff. What more is there?

God punched Adam in the side.

Holy fuck that hurt! Adam gasped, lying in a crumpled heap on the ground. When you said that you were going to give me a present, I didn’t think it was going to be a punch. I didn’t think you were that kind of God.

I’m not normally. But you’re really beginning to piss me off.

Adam poked at his side gingerly. Hey God! I think you broke something inside me. It’s kind of *crackle* and OW!!

Don’t be such a wuss. I just took one of your ribs.

Adam looked horrified.

I knew The Lord giveth but I didn’t know The Lord taketh away as well.

Don’t worry, it’ll grow back.

When will it grow back? Adam asked, poking his fingers into the depression running round his side.

When you stop playing with it. It’ll never grow back properly if you keep poking it.

You mean like the opposite of my thingy? That grows back when I play with it.

I’m wondering whether I should put a limit on how often that thing comes out to play. Some days you hardly get anything done around The Garden. God turned His back so Adam couldn’t see what He was doing. Idle bastard. Adam made a sour face behind God’s back.

I saw that, God said, with His entire concentration seemingly on what was in front of Him. Adam tried fucking about but God wasn’t interested. Adam tried pissing in the pond but God merely put some kind of protective bubble over the water to safeguard the newts.

What you doing? Adam asked, finally running out of ways to annoy God into paying him some attention.

It’s not good for My stress levels to have you pissing around all over the place, Adam, and it’s not helping My Garden grow. Particularly the grass. I’m probably going to have to re-sow that. Maybe dig it over and start again.

You’re really into this gardening and stuff…

So, God replied, cutting Adam off in mid-sentence. I’m making something to keep you occupied.

Another animal?

A… companion. Do you want to have a look?

Wow! Adam said, looking the new creature up and down.

Not ‘wow’ - Man, God said.

Wow-man. Whatever, Adam said churlishly. You’ve forgotten its thingy, Adam pointed out.

I’ve not forgotten anything, Adam. I deliberately missed out her thingy. And there are a few other alterations that I’ve made.

Alterations?

Well, you’re a Mark 1. God looked Adam up and down. Or perhaps a 0.1 would be more accurate. This ‘wo-man’ here is the real deal.

So what happens now? Does she just stand there looking pretty?

There’s a few bits of internal circuitry which I’m just finishing off but then she’ll be up and running. And you, Adam, won’t know what’s hit you.

*****

Adam had a suspicion that God had been fiddling with his internal circuitry as well. Things happened when Eve came to life; things which Adam wasn’t entirely happy with. He felt different. He was drawn to Eve in a way which scared him.

He wanted to please her; he wanted to tease her and he wanted to do things to the new woman which he really didn’t comprehend.

And the worst part was that Adam’s thingy seemed to have developed a mind of its own. It wasn’t a deliberate or even a conscious decision on Adam’s part. It just happened. When Eve was around with all her… bounciness, Adam’s thingy came out to play… whether he wanted it to or not.

Playing with it became a burden. He had to do it otherwise he couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the way Eve’s breasts rebounded when she stepped off something. Or the way her skin glistened after she had swum in the pond.

In fact, any time Eve was wet, it was hard to do anything at all.

Adam didn’t like the fact that there was a part of his body which was beyond his control. His toes twisted when he told them; his fingers flexed when he forced them but his thingy; his thingy did whatever the fuck it wanted to, whenever the fuck it felt like it. And… and it seemed to interfere with his ability to think. Adam’s thingy was obsessed with the new woman and since Adam was obsessed with his thingy, he was obsessed with her as well. And he didn’t even know why.

Adam looked down accusingly and that single, unblinking slitted eye looked back up.

God’s little joke.

You think you’re in control, Adam? You can’t even control your own body. That’s what I get for pissing in His pool, Adam said ruefully.

You what? Eve asked.

Adam jumped.

How do you do that?

Do what?

Sneak around like that?

I wasn’t sneaking. It’s just that you weren’t listening properly. You were talking to your… thingy. Adam felt his blood rushing hotly up to his face, which was the opposite direction from which it normally flowed when Eve was around.

I wasn’t talking to it, Adam muttered.

You were, Eve insisted. And I’ve seen you playing with it.

If any more blood poured up into Adam’s head, he was going to have some serious medical problems.

I don’t mind, Eve said.

You don’t?

No, of course not. It’s not as though He has given us much to play with. In fact, I wouldn’t mind having a go with your thingy sometime.

A go? Adam asked, feeling quite alarmed. Something happened after Adam had been playing with his thingy for a while; something which felt really good, like a reward. And that was something which he was sure was supposed to remain private – a secret between Adam and God.

"I’m not sure God would want