The Couple's Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together

By Roberta Taylor and Dorian Mintzer

The essential retirement planning book, including the ten key conversations couples should have to create a happy, healthy, and successful retirement!

Retirement can be the best time of your life, but for couples, there's far more to it than cashing in on your 401(k). The most important asset you have during retirement is each other, yet many couples aren't sure where to begin or how to plan for retirement. The Couple's Retirement Puzzle reveals the ten key conversations couples should tackle before retirement to ensure a rewarding second half of life together, including:

• Do we have enough money to support the lifestyle we want?
• Should we retire simultaneously or separately?
• Do we stay put or explore new frontiers?
• How will we balance time together and time apart?
• And more!

Filled with smart practical advice, engaging anecdotes, and helpful exercises, The Couple's Retirement Puzzle is a marriage book for couples that will guide you and your partner to a fulfilling, happy retirement you can enjoy and celebrate together.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sourcebooks
• Release date: Aug 5, 2014
• ISBN: 9781402295911

Roberta Taylor

Roberta Taylor is a Board Certified Coach, experienced psychotherapist, consultant, author and speaker. Her career spans over forty years in both the public and private sector. She is Principal of Pathmaking for Life specializing in working with couples in retirement transition and single women 60 and over. She delivers seminars and facilitates workshops related to retirement transition for professional, educational and community organizations. She works with financial professionals to bring Holistic Life Planning to their organizations and clients. She received her BS in nursing from the State University of New York and her Master's in Developmental Psychology from Rollins College. She serves on the board of the New England Chapter of the National Speaker's Association where she co-ordinates the Fast Track Speaker's School. She is a member of The Life Planning Network, American Society on Aging, International Women's Writer's Guild and co-chair of The Boston Chapter of The Transition Network. Roberta is working on her next book for and about single women 60 and over. She resides in Waltham, MA with her husband Bruce.

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Copyright © 2011, 2014 by Roberta K. Taylor and Dorian Mintzer

Cover and internal design © 2014 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

Cover design by Bradford Foltz

Cover image © geopaul/Getty Images

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

The vignettes in this book are both composite and actual stories of individuals and couples. In some cases, names have been changed for purposes of anonymity.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. —From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.

P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410

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Fax: [phone]

www.sourcebooks.com

Originally published in 2011 in the United States by Lincoln Street Press, LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Taylor, Roberta K.

  The couple’s retirement puzzle : 10 must-have conversations for creating an amazing new life together / Roberta K. Taylor, RNCS, MEd, Dorian Mintzer, MSW, PhD.

       pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

(trade : alk. paper) 1. Retirement. 2. Retirement—United States. 3. Retirement—United States—Planning. 4. Retirees—United States—Life skills guides. 5. Quality of life. I. Mintzer, Dorian. II. Title.

HQ1062.T395 2014

306.3’80973—dc23

2014021420

From Roberta Taylor

For Bruce, with love, as we travel together and share our life path. —Roberta

And for Bari and Jonathan, my wish for you is to fully embrace your lives, discover your many gifts, and define your own meaning of success. —Love, Mom

From Dori Mintzer

This book is dedicated with deep gratitude and love to David and Louie, two special people who are helping my second half of life be the best years of my life.

For David, with love: I cherish our life and journey together. I couldn’t have written this book without your love, support, and belief in me. —Dori

For Louie: You have brought joy, love, laughter, and happiness to my life. At times you are wise beyond your years. I hope you’ll allow yourself to find your passion and purpose as you continue to grow. I love being your Mom. —Love, Mom

Contents

Foreword

From the Authors

On the Road to Transition: Getting Started

Getting to Yes Together: The Importance of Communication

The 10 Must-Have Conversations

1.     If, When, and How to Retire: Twice the Husband, Half the Income

2.     Let’s Talk about Money: Finances without Fighting

3.     Changing Roles and Identities: I Don’t Do Windows

4.     Time Together, Time Apart: I Love You and I Need My Space

5.     Intimacy and Romance: Love Birds

6.     Relationships with Family: The Theory of Relativity

7.     Health and Wellness: Will Medicare Pay for the Spa?

8.     Choosing Where and How to Live: Staying Put or Exploring New Frontiers?

9.     Social Life, Friends, and Community: I Signed Us Up for Hip-Hop

10.   Purpose, Meaning, and Giving Back: What’s It All About?

Creating Your Shared Vision

Afterword

Reading Group Guide for Individuals and Couples

Resources

Training, Workshops, and Seminars

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

Foreword

The vast majority of people who are about to retire are going to do so with someone else. Yet there is surprisingly little in the literature on retirement that provides an explicit framework for how to go about making important retirement decisions together.

That gap is now thankfully and skillfully filled with The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together. Roberta Taylor and Dori Mintzer give us a practical, no-nonsense guide brilliantly organized around ten critical conversations. The thought of having such conversations may seem daunting to some, even while they recognize the importance of doing so. That is why Roberta and Dori not only frame the topics, but also coach the reader on how to have those conversations to get the most out of them.

The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle is chock-full of useful information. In fact, given the wide territory covered by the ten conversations, the amount of information marshaled within this book is quite impressive. Roberta and Dori also do a wonderful job of interweaving real-life situations with marvelous insights and get-to-the-heart-of-the-matter conversation starters. But the cumulative effect of the book is greater than these elements. As you move through the book, you’ll realize you are making connections and building relationships, not only with your partner as you engage in these important conversations, but also with the authors, who gently reveal parts of their own histories. Roberta and Dori serve as wise guides to the next chapter in our lives. The overall effect is one of being caringly shepherded over unfamiliar terrain.

This is also a book you will have a long-term relationship with—you will find yourself coming back to it. Interestingly, the 10 Must-Have Conversations truly apply to any stage of life. I can envision giving the book as a gift to a newly married couple or to a couple with teenage kids—and, of course, to those on the cusp of this new stage of life called retirement and to those who have already embarked on the journey.

As Roberta and Dori remind us in the introduction, the times they are a-changin’. They speak about the way the baby boomer age wave and the longevity revolution are beginning to radically change the way we think about that stage of life we call retirement. This next stage isn’t going to be your mother’s or father’s retirement. Those living this next stage will be doing the changing.

Roberta and Dori are like great artists who show us how to see ourselves and the world around us in new ways. With their help, we have the opportunity to reimagine our future and our relationships with renewed vitality and commitment—one couple at a time, together. They have given us a marvelous gift.

—Fred Mandell, PhD, coauthor, Becoming a Life Change Artist: 7 Creative Skills to Reinvent Yourself at Any Stage of Life

From the Authors

Coauthoring a book is exhilarating, exhausting, and an opportunity to learn things about yourself that you probably needed to know but might not have wanted to see. As challenging as the process may be, what you learn along the way is invaluable. And, of course, when the labor is over and the manuscript is finally ready for printing, there is a wonderful sense of shared accomplishment and relief.

We met at a meeting of the Life Planning Network, a multidisciplinary organization for professionals working with people in the second half of life. Although we hardly knew each other, there was a feeling of connection and familiarity from the start. We shared some similar life experiences around divorce, infertility, and finding our voice as young women and now as older professional women in our sixties dealing with issues of aging and transition. In different ways, we both have the pull of competing priorities with husbands, children, grandchildren, friends, and work.

When we initially began talking, our focus was on developing a workbook that would help couples navigate retirement transition. But with our combined life experience and professional work with clients in midlife and beyond, as well as a plethora of ideas we generated, it soon became clear that we were actually envisioning a much broader concept. The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together developed a life of its own. Making the decision to collaborate put us on a steep learning curve.

Neither of us had written anything of this magnitude. Ignorance is bliss; we had no idea what would lie ahead.

Over the many months of working together, we have witnessed each other’s meltdowns and celebrated moments of brilliance. We made a decision to collaborate before really getting to know each other, but it felt right. A mutual friend commented that it was a quick marriage. Not surprisingly, we have experienced many of the communication issues common to all partnerships and hopefully have become better listeners and better partners in the process.

A deep bond of friendship and mutual respect has developed as we worked together to accomplish our goal of creating a user-friendly book for couples who are on the continuum of retirement transition. We hope that the book will be a valuable resource to help you create your shared vision for the second half of life.

We welcome your feedback, stories, and comments. Contact Dori at [e-mail] or Roberta at [e-mail].

FROM ROBERTA TAYLOR

In my late fifties, I began to experience life from a different perspective. It wasn’t just about getting older. I was transitioning into a new life stage, beginning to reflect on where I had been and thinking more about what was really important. After many years as a psychotherapist working in nonprofits and private practice, I was asking myself, What’s next?

The message came on a beautiful spring day in 2004. I was in a managers’ meeting, and the team was discussing program changes for the following year. But my mind was not on the conversation. I was listening to an internal voice saying that it was time for me to leave the family service agency where I worked. For the past several months, I had been aware of a growing sense of detachment, but until that moment, I hadn’t seriously thought about leaving my job. Hearing the message resonated with every part of my being, and it was a catalyst for change. I had no idea where it would lead me or who I would become in the process, but I knew that something more was out there for me to create.

The next few years would be a time of exploration, stepping out of my comfort zone and opening up to new possibilities. While I had always loved my work, I had a creative side that had not been fully expressed. It was time to let go and open the space, develop my strengths and interests, and learn new skills. Coaching was a natural segue, one that satisfied my desire to continue working with people in more proactive and creative ways, doing workshops, public speaking, and sharing some of the lessons from my own life to help others on their journey. I was networking with colleagues who were also in the midst of transition and becoming involved in the coaching world and the positive aging community. It was a relief to know I was not alone on the journey.

But in the spring of 2006, I was stopped in my tracks. Several years earlier, I had been diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse and told that, at some point, surgery would be necessary to repair the valve. When I began having symptoms of fatigue and shortness of breath, I knew the time had come. During the next three months, I had two open-heart operations, followed by months of recuperation. I had a lot of time to reflect on the past and think about how I wanted to live the next part of my life. I relied on my inner voice of wisdom to guide me on the journey. To continue to grow, I needed to embrace what it meant to age well and be all that I could be so I could help others do the same. That has become my personal mission.

While my professional life has always been satisfying, my personal life was challenging. With two divorces behind me, I thought I would never want to marry again. But sixteen years ago, Bruce, who was my first real boyfriend, came back into my life after thirty-four years. It was like coming home. We have a loving and thriving relationship that has brought contentment and peace to both of us. My children, Bari and Jonathan, have always been closest to my heart. They are both happily married to loving and supportive partners. Caitlyn, Jake, Lauren, and Genevieve, my four amazing grandchildren, light up my life and are often wise teachers. But my close women friends have been my most stabilizing force. Together we have witnessed all of the ups and downs of life’s joys and disappointments, being there for each other during some of the most difficult times. Through my doubts and fears, my friends have supported and encouraged me to continue seeking what they knew was possible, sometimes even before I did.

The idea for writing a book grew out of both the desire for creative expression and the experience of transitioning into a different life stage. Bruce and I had been married just nine years, and here we were, facing retirement transition, with all the accompanying issues as well as opportunities. Making decisions as a couple was still new to us, but having had a few standoffs and differences of opinion, it was clear that being able to communicate more effectively was important for our relationship. And so ideas for the book began to formulate. Collaborating with Dori, who was on a similar path though in different circumstances, followed naturally. Our collaboration gave us the opportunity to support each other through the challenges and grow more into who we are each meant to be.

My plate is full—and sometimes overflowing—with competing priorities: What do I want to do? What should I do? What is my soul calling for? Finding balance is difficult, if not impossible. As I open to the potential of my own passion and creativity, Bruce is still in recovery from a lifetime in the corporate world. He was retired for a few years, then was unexpectedly offered a position where he could use his technology background and leadership skills to help others. This gives him a sense of purpose and satisfaction and brings balance to our relationship. At some point, however, in the next year or two, Bruce will want to retire, travel, and spend more time together. If you asked me now, I would say no retirement for me. My work is so much a part of who I am. I get joy and satisfaction from the many things I do—writing, coaching, workshops, consulting, and speaking. But life changes, priorities shift, and what’s true today may be different tomorrow.

The book has been a wonderful vehicle for Bruce and me to deepen our relationship and have our own important conversations as we look toward the next part of our life together. I’ve learned that we often teach what we most need to learn. In this case, that’s meant being able to find balance, honor my priorities, and focus attention on what I love doing and on those I most love: my husband, children, grandchildren, and friends. That is what gives my life meaning and purpose. I hope that this book will help you find the path to your most fulfilling life.

Roberta

FROM DORIAN MINTZER

In my early twenties, strangers saved me from drowning. That experience shaped my approach to life as an adult. Realizing the fragility of life, I learned not to take it for granted and to make intentional choices about how I wanted to live. By age thirty-three, I had gotten married, moved to Boston, received my doctorate, and started a private practice. After deep reflection, I also realized that my marriage was not working, and I needed to end it before starting a family. The next several years were focused on my professional development and career. And then, in a new relationship, my focus again began to shift to wanting a family. In my early forties, with my new husband in his midfifties, we decided to do some individual soul-searching about how we wanted to live the next part of our life. During this time, I went on a trek with other women to Nepal. On the trek, I spent time reflecting on my life and realized how important it still was for me to be a mother. At home, David did his own soul-searching. When we were again together, we discovered we were in agreement: we wanted to revisit the issue of trying to have children, despite our age.

It took almost ten years. At age fifty, with my husband in his early sixties and when many of our friends were becoming grandparents, we became new parents for the first time. Now, in my late sixties, I have a teenage son, Louie. My life is an example that there is no one-size-fits-all retirement transition. There are some specific advantages of being older parents. We are in a more comfortable financial situation than earlier in our careers, and this enables us to have more flexibility with the experiences we can create together. Since we are healthy now, we go on active vacations together as often as possible. Louie has grown up sharing our love of hiking, biking, sailing, and skiing. He has told us that he loves his life and the adventures we share. It has been a joy to watch him grow and develop into a lovely young man.

There are also disadvantages that pose challenges. Older than most parents who experience an empty nest, David and I want to continue part-time work as well as traveling and spending time with family and friends. My hope is that we will sustain our health and energy and enjoy the coming years, but we know there will be bumps along the way and, like everyone, we will have to deal with whatever happens.

We are out of sync as a family in our retirement transition. In some respects I am in the prime of my work life, while David, in contrast, is in a winding down mode, having given up his administrative responsibilities and now working part-time. We both want to keep working as long as we’re capable, so no total retirement is in sight. In the future, I envision continuing to keep my actual therapy and coaching client group small, while increasing my speaking, writing, group and workshop facilitation, consulting, and teaching. In addition to my writing, I also want to explore other aspects of my creativity that have been put on the back burner. And we both look forward to watching Louie bloom in the years ahead as he discovers his passions in his work and life.

As I reflect on my life, these recent years have been my happiest and best. I am proud of my professional accomplishments, and I love my husband, son, and community of friends, family, and colleagues. Through some health scares and challenges, I have learned the importance of resilience and a positive attitude. David has opened my eyes to healthy and vital aging. Although older than I am, he is young old. I also feel grateful that I have a supportive network of family and friends. I am particularly blessed with some special women friends who live near and far. We’re there to listen to and support each other.

Having my own private practice over the years has enabled me to control the hours and amount of my work. My transition into coaching has allowed even more flexibility. I have welcomed connection with other professionals interested in positive aging through the creation of my Boomers and Beyond Special Interest Group and my involvement in the Life Planning Network. My Revolutionize Your Retirement Interview with Experts Series to Help You Create a Fulfilling Second Half of Life enables me to bring experts to both professionals and the public. My work enables me to use my professional holistic life planning expertise and understanding of adult development and positive psychology, combined with my life experiences, to work with people as they transition into their second half of life.

With Louie’s increasing independence, I began wanting more creative opportunities for myself, and writing was one of them. I welcomed the opportunity to collaborate with Roberta on this book, and since then, I have also contributed to a number of other books, articles, radio shows, and blogs. Writing has seemed a natural outgrowth of my speaking and my personal and professional interest in the transitions people experience in the second half of life. Since we wrote this book, I’ve continued to learn about myself, my relationship with David, the varieties of the retirement transition, and the experience of aging. At times, I spend long hours writing or involved in my projects. Luckily, my family and friends, the people most important to me, are supportive and encouraging. Trying to find the right balance in life is a continual challenge for me.

My retirement transition is definitely a process, one that has involved self-reflection, conversations with David, Louie, and other friends and family, as well as writing this book with Roberta. Retirement, for me, is indeed a journey and not a destination. I feel blessed that I’ve been able to create a life that enables me to do so many things that I love as well as to help and give back to others. I hope you’ll find help and inspiration to craft your own journey while reading this book.

Dori

On the Road to Transition: Getting Started

What Will You Retire To?

With twenty or more years ahead, have you thought about what you’ll retire to? Several decades ago, you could have expected to live into your midseventies or eighties. Today, advances in medicine and technology—combined with living a healthy lifestyle and a little good luck—mean you can look forward to the possibility of living well into your eighties, nineties, or even longer. Centenarians, people who reach the age of one hundred years or more, are currently the fastest-growing segment of the population. Willard Scott, on The Today Show, may soon need to devote an entire show every week just to celebrating centenarians.

As Bob Dylan once said, The times they are a-changin’. We are in the midst of what is being called a longevity revolution. Seventy-eight million baby boomers, and many more on the older fringe, are pioneering a new life stage characterized by living and working longer, developing encore careers, and taking advantage of opportunities for growth in the second half of life. The traditional notion of the golden years, with Social Security and a condo in Florida, is becoming a thing of the past. In the twenty-first century, we are being challenged to redefine retirement and reinvent ourselves in order to live our version of the good life—having financial security, access to adequate health care, and enjoying a sense of meaning, purpose, and belonging as we get older. We are experiencing personal change and questioning how to continue to grow as individuals and as couples in this new life stage. The question for each of us is: How do I want to live the next part of my life?

If the notion of the golden years is no longer relevant, what do we need to be thinking about that will take its place, and how can couples plan for this together? Retirement is a concept that is in transition. It no longer reflects what people are experiencing or means what it used to, but it has yet to be redefined. The word retirement is used as a reference point in this book for the sake of common language, rather than as a description of what individuals and society are experiencing. Inherent in the book is our belief that, ultimately, what you are retiring to becomes more important than what you are retiring from. The term retirement transition is used in these pages to reflect a process of letting go of what is no longer necessary, while opening the space for creating what will come next.

The term second half of life comes from the notion that life is divided into two halves, and generally refers to people fifty and older. However, the terminology can be misleading. If you are sixty years old today, the chances of living another fifty years are slim. We use the term descriptively, rather than literally, to suggest that there are many possibilities and options for growth and renewal in this life stage, whether you are fifty, sixty, seventy-five, or older.

Although this time of life can be confusing, overwhelming, and scary, it can also be an opportunity for making choices about how you want to live the next part of your life. It does not necessarily mean not working. Many of us need to continue earning an income, and others choose to work because they love what they do. It is more about exploring the possibilities for living and working differently, whether that means full-time or part-time work or consulting, volunteering, developing an encore career, pursuing interests and hobbies, or something entirely different. The goal for many people at this life stage is being able to fit work into life, rather than continuing to squeeze life into work. Still others, finally having time for leisure after so many years of hard work, may decide they do not want to work at all and opt for a more traditional retirement. The why, what, when, where, and how are specific to you.

What does all of this mean for couples? How can couples continue to grow and redefine themselves and their relationships as they transition to the next part of life together? How do dualcareer couples make decisions about when to retire, whether to retire together or separately, or if they can afford to retire at all? And how do individual needs, desires, and dreams fit in?

The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together was written to provide guidelines to help couples address some of these important questions, plan together, and set goals that support a shared vision. The word puzzle is both a verb and a noun. The conversations in this book will help you and your partner to puzzle out the pieces that are most important to you while you develop your vision for how they fit together.

LEARNING FROM EXPERIENCE

The development of The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle was influenced by our clinical work with couples, retirement transition seminars, personal life experiences, conversations with friends and colleagues, and a series of focus groups, which added depth and richness to our understanding of the issues. Many couples said that even though they had a network of friends, issues related to retirement were rarely discussed. However, they all thought that being able to talk with other couples was helpful.

Several themes emerged from our many discussions with couples. Do we want to retire? Can we afford to retire? How will we spend our time? What is really important? What if one of us wants to move to Florida, but the other doesn’t? What if we don’t communicate and have trouble making decisions together? The 10 Must-Have Conversations developed out of these themes. Although the conversations are not exhaustive, they do reflect the most prevalent concerns we encountered.

We found that some couples had been planning their retirement for several years, others had not gone beyond financial planning, and many had not done any planning at all. Several couples said they put off talking about the future because the issues seemed so overwhelming. Transition to a new phase of life is a process that requires time and patience. Decisions do not need to be made all at the same time. Having accurate information and planning together can help you