Creating a Successful Christian Marriage

By Cleveland McDonald and Philip McDonald

This classic text, written by a father-and-son team, looks at the nuclear family as a social institution and provides guidance for interaction and adjustment during dating, engagement, and early marriage. The authors treat such practical matters as communicating, working through interpersonal differences, and growing in relationships within the family. They also discuss the impact of cultural expectations on family patterns and define ideal family roles developed in Scripture. Other topics covered include parenting, extended family relationships, finances, and nontraditional families. Now available in paperback.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
• Release date: Apr 1, 2008
• ISBN: 9781441206527

Cleveland McDonald

Cleveland McDonald (PhD, Ohio State University) taught sociology at Cedarville University in Cedarville, Ohio, for many years and also served as a pastor and missionary.

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© 1994 by Cleveland McDonald and Philip McDonald

Published by Baker Academic

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49516-6287

www.bakeracademic.com

E-book edition created 2011

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-0652-7

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture references are taken from the King James Version.

To

my wife, Helen Marie

whose love, encouragement, and

secretarial ability made the first edition,

and now this volume, possible

and to

Philip, Becky, and their four children—

Matthew, Mark, Nathan, and Danielle—

whose contributions made this volume

more worthwhile

and to

William and Becky, who faithfully waited

as single adults for God’s best until he brought

them together in his will

Contents

Preface to the Fourth Edition

Preface to the First Edition

Acknowledgments

Part 1 The Formation of the Family

1. Culture and the Secular Family

2. Culture and the Christian Family

Part 2 Factors in Successful Marriage

3. Cultural Influences

4. Christian Role Concepts

5. Spiritual Maturity

6. Romantic Love

Part 3 Forming a Marriage Relationship

7. Dating

8. The Engagement, Wedding, and Honeymoon

Part 4 Fellowship in Marriage

9. Communication in Marriage

10. Intimacy in Marriage

11. The Extended Family

12. Christian Parenthood

Part 5 Family Finances

13. Stewardship and Budgeting

14. Major Purchases and Investments

Part 6 Fragmented Families

15. The Single Life

16. The Single-Parent Family

17. The Blended Family

18. Counseling for Family Problems

Part 7 The Future of the Family

19. International Living

20. Trends in the American Family

Bibliography

Index

Preface to the Fourth Edition

The challenge to revise a textbook that has been so well received has resulted in an expanded edition. In preparation for rewriting, we sent a questionnaire to sixty Christian institutions, asking them to rank subjects that should be included in a Christian text. More than forty instructors replied, and they included several hundred responses from their students. We cannot list all these individuals, but we thank them for their cooperation.

The replies from professors and students were tabulated separately. It was amazing how closely they agreed on what subjects should be included or omitted. They were not interested in such subjects as abortion, homosexuality, or date rape. Consequently, these areas are not treated at length.

However, they did indicate a desire for chapters in several areas not treated at length in the first edition, and so new chapters on The Single-Parent Family and Communication have been written. There was a desire for a chapter on Intimacy. Parts of the previous chapter on Adjustment in Marriage have been included in the new chapter. Much interest was expressed in divorce and remarriage. Some of the original chapter on Problems in the Christian Family has been incorporated into a new chapter on The Blended Family.

A unique feature of the text is a new chapter written by Philip McDonald on International Living. As America becomes involved in a world economy, more young families will be living abroad in government, business, and missionary service. This chapter will help prepare them for their roles.

Philip, who has four preteen children, has also written an entirely new chapter on Parenting.

Each of the remaining chapters has been revised, and some have been completely rewritten. The chapter title and paragraph headings may be the same, but every paragraph has been carefully considered and many rewritten. More than 90 percent of the sources cited are new, and have appeared since the first edition was published. The deciding criterion for changing or omitting was always, What will be most beneficial to a young person preparing for marriage?

The new edition has been organized into seven sections, each of which treats one aspect of the family. Some of the chapters have been moved to reflect this new arrangement.

This text, like the first, is written from the functional viewpoint rather than the institutional. It is specifically designed to equip young people to make an intelligent choice of a mate, and to learn what to anticipate in marital interaction. Biblical principles from the original edition have been reiterated to encourage growth in Christian maturity and conduct.

Sociological jargon has been avoided and some inclusive language used. Suggested readings for each chapter have been added to help the student who desires more information on the subject of that chapter. The Personality Inventories that students found so helpful are retained.

An instructor’s manual including a test bank has been compiled. The additional items for discussion will enable professors to broaden the students’ knowledge.

Several professors who answered the questionnaire asked that the text remain thoroughly biblical. We have attempted to keep and to strengthen this emphasis. However, we carefully point out that in several areas there is not agreement among Bible scholars on certain subjects. This is particularly true in reference to interpretations concerning the roles of men and women. After presenting opposing viewpoints, we have professed to what we believe in upholding the traditional family and its values.

The need for instruction in biblical principles of family living is greater than ever. The problems facing Christian young people and the Christian home have multiplied since the printing of the first edition. They seem to increase with each passing year. This volume is sent forth with the prayer that it will bring glory and honor to our Lord Jesus Christ. May he be pleased to use it in the formation and encouragement of Christian homes here and abroad.

Preface to the First Edition

Solomon said, Of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. Although there are many books published today covering various phases of Christian courtship and marriage, and many Christian high schools, colleges, seminaries, and Bible institutes offer courses in this area, there is no textbook written specifically for such courses.

The author has studied the subject at the University of Pittsburgh and Ohio State University and has been teaching a course in Marriage and the Family for nineteen years in a Christian liberal arts college. He believes this volume will help fill this void in Christian literature that has existed so many years.

Those teaching in the field know there are two different ways of approaching a course on the family—the functional and the institutional. The functional course is primarily designed as a preparation-for-marriage course which attempts to give students some instruction in the process of mate selection, and of the interaction which takes place in marriage and family life. The institutional course treats the family from a sociological perspective and is concerned with the relationship of the family to other institutions of society.

This text is definitely written for the functional course in a Christian institution. Hopefully, it will enable students to make a wise choice of a mate and the adjustments needed to live happily together. Most any young person can learn to drive an automobile, but the insurance companies have discovered that a course in driver’s education makes a better and safer driver. Similarly, any fellow or girl can date and get married, but it can be a much more enjoyable experience if they know something about the interaction that takes place. As one married student said to the writer, I wish I had taken this course five years ago, for our marriage could have been so much happier if I had known these things when we began our married life.

There is a real need for more and better premarital counseling. Part of the problem has been the lack of a single volume covering the many areas which the pastor wishes to treat in his limited time with an engaged couple. The pastor can now recommend the purchase and reading of this volume by the young couple prior to counseling sessions. He may even require the completion of the personality inventories to discover significant differences which can form the basis for some of the counseling sessions. A premarital counseling program based on the text should prepare the couple to enter marriage with a realistic view of what is involved in family living.

Another purpose in writing this book is to provide a comprehensive volume that will be a source of information to many pastors, Christian Education directors, and youth leaders who have not had the privilege of systematically studying these subjects in a classroom setting. Hopefully, these counselors will be better prepared to deal with questions concerning dating, courtship, and marriage after reading this volume.

The sociological basis used in organizing the text is modern role theory. This theory is very compatible with the Bible, for Jesus said, As ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise (Luke 6:31). Certainly young people must be aware of their own roles if they are going to interact with others. Many of the difficulties of courtship and marriage adjustment arise because the roles of male and female are no longer clearly defined in American culture. Also, very little education is given the youth of our society to help them successfully play the roles of lover, spouse, or parent. Someone has stated, The only course in marriage and family living most young people ever get is the one they receive in their parental home. Unfortunately, many Christian young people do not receive very much help from their parents. On the other hand, much of the so-called sex education in public schools presents a negative view of family roles and values. Consequently, much of the learning in marriage and family living is through trial and error in an on the job setting, a factor which helps to account for the high rate of marriage failure. This text emphasizes the necessity for individuals to know their spiritual, psychological, and emotional needs in order to fulfill role expectations, and to meet the various needs of those with whom they interact.

Another aim of this volume is to alert the young person to subtle cultural pressures that bear upon him. For example, Christian young people are not immune to the romantic love complex foisted on our culture by Hollywood and television. An attempt is made in these pages to counteract this by stressing the importance in courtship of seeking psychological compatibility rather than physical compatibility, since the major part of marital interaction is psychological rather than physical. It may be idealistic to think that most young people will choose their mates on the basis of psychological rather than physical compatibility, but even if only a few follow this suggestion their marriages will be happier. The author hopes no couple having studied this text will face each other after the honeymoon year is over and say, Why did we ever marry each other?

Another cultural influence of which Christian young people are often unaware is the pressure for social status conformity—the keep up with the Joneses syndrome of American life. This status seeking, as Vance Packard terms it, is intertwined with the materialism that is seriously affecting Christian homes and churches today. Inasmuch as conflict over financial problems is a major cause of unhappiness in many homes, two chapters of this text are devoted to money management. If young people learn their roles as Christian stewards well, many of the financial situations that cause unhappiness can be avoided.

The author realizes that the first attempt to write a full-length textbook has its shortcomings, and he welcomes criticism and suggestions that will help to make any future edition more useful to its readers.

Acknowledgments

We are indebted to many people for their assistance in writing this book. My thanks to Dr. Clifford Johnson, now retired from his position as academic dean at Cedarville College, whose encouragement gave the initial impetus to write the first edition. Dr. James Jeremiah, president of Cedarville College at that time, arranged for a leave of absence during the winter quarter of 1971 to provide time to begin the actual writing.

Cornelius Zylstra, editor of Baker Book House, gave much needed encouragement and answered numerous questions in planning and publishing the original volume. Jim Weaver, presently editor for academic books, has been most helpful in facilitating the publication of this revised and enlarged edition. Without his support, the volume would never have materialized.

We are grateful to the librarians of the following colleges who permitted us to research and write in their libraries: Calvin College (Grand Rapids), Cedarville College (Cedarville, Ohio), Florida Southern College (Lakeland), Grand Rapids Baptist College, Southeastern Bible College (Lakeland, Florida), South Florida Community College (Avon Park), and Warner Southern College (Lake Wales, Florida).

A special word of thanks is due Mr. and Mrs. Ole Tilma, who so graciously gave us the use of their missionary apartment in May, 1992 in order to be close to the Grand Rapids libraries. We are also grateful to Dr. Irene Alyn, who in the summer of 1992 provided the use of her home near Cedarville College library. These dear friends saved thousands of miles of commuting that would have been necessary had we remained in Florida for that period.

A long list could be made of dear friends in various churches who prayed for us. Their part in the successful completion of the book has been recorded by the Lord of heaven and will be rewarded at the judgment seat of Christ.

I am especially thankful that my son, Philip, has agreed to become the co-author. He has excellent educational qualifications, and has had missionary service in Africa and Asia. These experiences have prepared him to write about family living in a global economy.

We are greatly indebted to Linda Triemstra of Gold Leaf Editorial Services, who gave us invaluable assistance and encouragement in preparing the manuscript for the final printing.

Last but not least, I am grateful for Helen Marie, my loving wife and typist, who became adept at reading my handwriting. She never grew weary of typing and proofreading seemingly endless revisions. Her critical judgment and suggestions for changes resulted in a more readable volume. Her love and commitment have enabled me to experience a happy and successful Christian marriage. Our prayer is that thousands of students who study this book will also have this joyous experience.

Cleveland McDonald

           1

Culture and the Secular Family

For I am the Lord, I change not . . .

—Malachi 3:6

Change Is Inevitable

John and Mary stood before the pastor and exchanged their vows. Later, they impatiently awaited the end of the reception so they could start on their honeymoon. Two years later, Cheri was born. Four years later John and Mary stood before a judge who dissolved their marriage. Mary received custody of Cheri and joined the ranks of millions of single parents. John was given visitation rights and became liable for child support, which he seldom paid. Mary had to find employment, but her income was not enough to live on and she was eventually forced to go on welfare.

In the meantime, John met and married Gretchen. They had a son, Jason, Cheri’s half-brother. Mary married Steve, who had custody of his son. Mary gave birth to another daughter, Jody. Now Cheri had a half-brother, a half-sister, a stepbrother, a stepfather, and a new set of grandparents. Unfortunately, Mary and Steve’s marriage ended in divorce. When Mary fell in love with Wayne, she decided to let him just move in (cohabit) with her and the girls. Cheri and Jody had to adjust to this new situation. Imagine the difficulties Cheri had in keeping track of her relatives.

This story is typical of the changes that have taken place in family structures the last few years. No-fault divorces, single parents, inadequate child support, welfare mothers, cohabitation, and confused children are all part of the family scene in American culture. More changes may have taken place in marriage and family living in the last three decades than occurred in the previous three centuries (Henslin 1985, 34). Changes have come so rapidly that society has not been able to adjust to them. As a result, new social problems have arisen (Hales 1988, 21).

The so-called new morality has led to a breakdown in traditional Judeo-Christian morality, resulting in a tremendous increase in sexually transmitted diseases (STD), illegitimate births, and abortions (Edelman 1987, 52). No-fault divorces create millions of single-parent families that have inherent difficulties (Gay 1988, 61–70). Mothers entered the workforce by the millions and latchkey kids became a national concern (Coleman 1986, 2). Homosexuality came out of the closet with serious social implications for the populace as a whole. The term AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is now familiar to everyone (Reiss 1990, 107). Cohabitation is practiced by more than two million couples (Hales 1988, 44). Lawsuits as a result of the failure of such relationships added palimony to our cultural vocabulary (Coleman 1985, 197).

Family violence, date rape, pornography, sexual harassment, drug and alcohol addiction, and alternative family lifestyles are some of the other problems resulting from the breakdown of traditional morality. These changes affect all families, Christian as well as non-Christian. As one writer states, In America, our society’s well-being is widely believed to be closely related to family stability. Erosion of family bonds is generally regarded as a threat to the nation’s social fabric. People sense that their fates are linked with the future of marriage and the family as social institutions (Garrett 1982, 205).

The family does not exist in a vacuum. It is interrelated with four other basic institutions of society: religious, economic, governmental, and educational institutions. Changes in one area dramatically affect the others (Korman and Leslie 1985, 5).

Change Is Progressive

Prior to the nineteenth century, America was a rural nation with a patriarchal form of family life. The father was the source of power and authority. The wife and children were subservient to him and had few legal rights of their own (Lamanna and Riedmann 1988, 228–29). The wife’s role was clearly defined in that she cared for the home and children, and also helped with the farm work when necessary. The girls helped the mother and learned their roles. The boys were taught to farm and were expected to contribute their labor until they reached the legal age of maturity and began families of their own.

The patriarchal family was part of an extended kin group. Aged parents were cared for by one of the sons or daughters who also inherited the farm. Since there was little geographical mobility, young people tended to marry individuals in the same area; siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins lived within a short distance of each other. They attended the same school and church and were available to help one another in time of need. Family reunions as we know them were unnecessary because the kin group met frequently at church and social gatherings.

The patriarchal family was a productive family. It produced its own food and had a surplus to sell. Children were an economic asset as they provided labor to produce what the family needed (DeVault and Strong 1989, 26).

Industrialization and Change

The Industrial Revolution of the nineteenth century changed not only the economy of America, but also the family. As factories multiplied, the need for workers increased. These workers came from rural areas to the cities and the urbanization of the nation began. During the last 150 years, the number of farms has decreased annually; now less than 2 percent of the population is engaged in farming (Statistical Abstract of the United States 1991, 643).

Workers left their villages and towns where religious and primary-group controls were strong. In cities and suburbs, secular and weak secondary-group controls predominated. As a result, many modifications in family structure, values, and behavior took place (Skolnick 1987, 131).

In the city crowded living conditions replace the spaciousness of the country. Families housed in small homes and apartments with little rooms often have little or no privacy. A tour of the countryside in the East or Midwest, where many of the large, old farmhouses still stand, graphically illustrates the change. Many of these homes have five or more bedrooms to accommodate the large number of children plus a hired man or two. The growth of suburban areas around the cities since World War-II is an attempt to regain some of the space and privacy of rural areas.

Children, once an economic asset because of the labor they provided on the farm, are, in the city, an economic liability. With the benefit of improved methods of contraception, couples have fewer children. Today, children who are born into a rapidly changing society are exposed to new ideas and more frequently rebel against the old-fashioned ideas of their parents (Mace and Mace 1985, 224). This leads to family conflict and often to violence. Youthful rebellion results in other social problems such as premarital sex, abortions, drug and alcohol addiction, and juvenile delinquency (Bynum and Thompson 1989, 23–24).

On the farm the family worshiped, worked, and prayed together, but in the city life is fragmented to the extent that each member goes his or her own way. The church has ceased to be the center of religious and recreational activity. Instead of attending a covered-dish dinner at the church, Dad has his bowling game, Mom her PTA meeting, sister her Campfire Girls powwow, and brother his Boy Scouts meeting. City churches now develop activities to meet the needs of various interests and age groups: women’s missionary societies, men’s prayer breakfasts, Boys’ Brigade, Pioneer Girls, Awana Clubs, and athletic teams. Rarely, in today’s society, does the family function as a unit.

Opportunities where the family can work together are also few. Occasionally, there are small businesses such as service stations or mom and pop restaurants where each member can share in its operation. More often, however, the father performs specialized work that fails to provide any opportunity for family togetherness as the farm once did (Garland and Garland 1986, 77). In addition to the loss of family togetherness, children have also tended to lose the value and habit of work they assimilated on the farm.

In the twentieth century, craft and labor unions gained increased wages and benefits for workers. This contributed to a higher standard of living and an increasingly materialistic philosophy of life. Though this philosophy has spread to the rural areas today, its major impact has been on the city dweller.

Unionization of workers also shortened the work week, which left more time available for recreation. An entire new industry has been created to cater to the recreational needs of the populace. The emphasis on entertainment and athletics has distorted American values so the superstars earn more for a few performances than the president of the United States earns in four years.

In many families the budget, of time as well as money, suffers from trying to meet all the recreational desires of its members. Equipment for sports, boating, or camping is expensive. The average family finds it difficult to satisfy everyone and disagreements and conflicts often cause marital problems.

The philosophy of materialism puts greater emphasis on material possessions than on spiritual values and ideals. It is perhaps epitomized by the phrase American dream, a slogan that seems to assume that every family is entitled to a home in the suburbs, one or more new cars, a camping trailer, and a large pleasure boat. The fact that both parents have to work, or that father must work a second job while children are raised by babysitters, does not seem too high a sacrifice as long as the American dream is realized. Skolnick (1987, 164) writes, Of all the changes in family life that have occurred in the twentieth century, this [the two-worker family] may be the most profound. It is producing pressures for changes in marital roles, the division of labor in the family, and child care, and it is creating new perceptions of self in both men and women.

This materialism is encouraged by high-pressure advertising. The family is urged through television, radio, and the print media to buy the latest-model cars, appliances, and other necessities of life, even if the present models are still functioning adequately. After the urge to buy is generated, an easy-credit system removes any remaining obstacle, such as common sense or the realities of the family budget, to the purchase.

Tim LaHaye (1982, 148) states, Everyone is vulnerable to the temptations of materialism in some form. . . . The Bible admonishes, ‘Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him’ (1-John 2:15). Your problem may be food, cars, clothes, or a hundred other items, but be sure of this: You are vulnerable to some enticing area of materialism. That is why TV advertisers will pay up to $275,000 per minute for prime-time commercials. One of the greatest challenges facing Christian families today is finding the balance between material and spiritual values.

Urbanization and Role Changes

In the rural family, authority was based on the hierarchical system whereby the father exercised power over the other members of the family (Mace and Mace 1985, 242–43). The wife and children responded with unquestioned obedience. The needs and desires of the individual members were subordinated to the welfare of the family. Since there were no other means of support and divorce was taboo, the wife stayed with the husband, even if she was unhappy or suffering abuse. Unhappy or mistreated children had to endure their situations until they were able to marry (daughters) or leave home to find employment (sons).

This situation changed when the family moved to town. Women received more education and began to work outside the home. These new opportunities made them less willing to remain in incompatible unions. A woman could now work and care for her children. As the number of divorces increased, divorce became more acceptable. In the city the primary group pressure of, What will the relatives and neighbors think? weakened because people were separated from the kin group and often did not even know their neighbors! The authoritarianism of the father was gradually replaced by democratic individualism, where the importance of each member of the family in determining his or her future and that of the family was recognized.

To maintain the standard of living dictated by an increasingly materialistic society, it often became necessary for the wife and mother to seek employment to augment the family income. This trend has continued so that today more than 50 percent of all married women are employed outside the home. Often these working mothers have young children, making the problem of proper day care for the children a national concern. Many want the government to provide day-care centers nationwide. Christian homes and churches face these same issues and must make decisions balancing economic necessities with faith and God’s Word.

Geographic Mobility and the Family

It is seldom recognized how immigration during the Industrial Revolution affected the American family. The first wave of immigrants from northern Europe moved westward and settled in the Midwest. In the latter part of the nineteenth and the first part of the twentieth century, immigrants from southern Europe arrived in great numbers (Korman and Leslie 1985, 185–83). They settled mainly in the cities and supplied the workforce for factories. Families of immigrants usually lived close to one another, and whenever possible perpetuated the culture of their homeland. Vestiges of these communities with their own language, churches, and newspapers still exist in our great cities. They brought with them the customs, traditions, and values of family life in their homeland and preserved these as much as possible. However, as their children attended schools and colleges and were influenced by the popular culture, they often intermarried with outsiders. As a result, subsequent generations became more assimilated into the larger culture (Korman and Leslie 1985, 298).

The most recent immigration wave brought two large groups into the country: Southeast Asians, who have settled mostly on the West Coast, and Latin Americans, who settled mostly in the southwestern states. Many Cubans, Jamaicans, and others from the Caribbean area have settled in Florida (Korman and Leslie 1985, 281–98). Hispanics are one of the fastest-growing segments of the population.

Internal migration has also occurred. During the Great Depression, many families moved in search of employment. Again, the move was largely rural to urban. World War-II accelerated the trend. Approximately 20 percent of American families move each year, resulting in a generation without roots. Children have little opportunity to really know their relatives, or to establish lasting friendships with neighbors or peer groups. In rural society, if one parent was missing, there were other members of a close-knit kin group with whom the child could identify. Now, many boys are reared by widowed or divorced mothers and have no male role models with whom the growing boys can identify.

The Maces (1985, 240) make the salient point that "there is an important religious issue involved here . . . the concept of God as the loving heavenly Father is central to theological teaching. What is this concept going to mean to a generation of young people, many of whom have never experienced a loving earthly father?" Constant moving also makes for insecurity in the child’s personality, and may account for many of the maladjusted children receiving treatment in mental health clinics.

Parents also suffer from this mobility. Whenever a couple moves into a new situation, they are usually cut off from relatives and friends. Until they are able to make new friends, they are forced to depend upon each other for the fulfillment of all of their emotional needs. This adds an additional stress to the marital relationship, particularly if the wife is at home all day with the children. The family that has to change residence frequently will have to work harder to make the marriage a success. This includes Christian businessmen, pastors, missionaries, Christian education directors, and others whose employment requires mobility for promotion, or to fulfill the will of God for their lives.

Secularism and the Family

One of the changes that has taken place in American culture is the increasing gulf between Judeo-Christian principles and the secularism of society. Webster defines secularism as a system of doctrines and practices that rejects any form of religious faith and worship. The term secular humanists has been used to identify those who would remove religious influence from the institutions of American society.

Hitchcock (1982, 10) says of the humanists, In their self-definition God does not exist, and it is a destructive illusion to believe in him. They promote a way of life that systematically excludes God and all religion in the traditional sense. Man, for better or for worse, is on his own in the universe. ‘Secular’ . . . comes from the Latin ‘seeculism’ which means ‘time’ or ‘age.’ . . . To call someone secular means that he is completely time-bound, totally a child of his age, a creature of history, with no vision of eternity.

One of the foremost opponents of secular humanism, Tim LaHaye (1982, 32), describes it as an anti-Christian system of thought that influences every decision and most of a person’s actions. It is anti-God, anti-moral, anti-self restraint, and anti-American. Amazingly, humanism often masquerades as humanitarianism. In reality, there is nothing humanitarian about it, because its beliefs make it anti-human. He also states (1982, 32–33), humanism has to be labeled family enemy number one. . . . Unconditional war has been declared; anti-moral humanism and historic Christianity are in a struggle for survival, with the traditional family at stake.

The debate concerning secular humanism continues. Webber (1982, 31) argues for Christian humanism [, which] may be contrasted to humanism in the following four convictions: confidence in God in Christ; a supernatural world-view; the power of Christ acting through the church; and incarnational humanitarianism.

Paul Kurtz (1983, vii), the foremost spokesman for secular humanists has written In Defense of Secular Humanism. His thesis is that it is possible to lead a morally good life and to contribute to society but not believe in God. He believes that humanism is basic to the progress of modern science. It is a totally naturalistic philosophy. He continues by stating (5) that the secular humanist shares some concerns with the Moral Majority (Jerry Falwell’s group), such as concern about the breakdown in family life, excessive promiscuity, pornography, and drugs, but he is critical of the Bible. He attributes the breakdowns in modern society, if there have been breakdowns . . . primarily to technology, not to secular humanism.

Francis Schaeffer (1983, 14–15), one of the foremost Christian apologists of the twentieth century, finds the conflict between humanism and the Christian world view based on their concepts of final reality. For the Christian, final reality is the infinite-personal God who is truly there. . . . To this God things are not neutral. Therefore, there are absolutes; there is right and wrong in the world. For the humanist, final reality is thought of as purely material—or as mere energy, eventually—which has existed eternally in some form, and which has its present configuration by pure chance. . . . In this view final reality yields no value system, no basis for law, and no concept of man as unique and important.

It is apparent from Schaeffer’s viewpoint that the conflict is between a Judeo-Christian view of a God with absolute values of right and wrong and a humanistic system with only personal, arbitrary, relative values. Thus, it appears that this conflict is the present form of the age-old struggle between God and Satan, right and wrong, darkness versus light, sin against righteousness. It began somewhere in the dateless past (Isa. 14) and will culminate in the end of the ages with the destruction of Satan (Rev. 20) (Duncan 1979, 23).

This current phase of the conflict corresponds with the rise of religious liberalism in the churches. As the churches abandoned their belief in God and the supernatural, it became easy for the naturalistic philosophy of humanism to grow and finally become the most predominant social force in American culture (Duncan 1979, 23–27). Schaeffer (1983, 14–15) makes an important point when he writes, About eighty years ago in the United States we began to move from a Judeo-Christian consensus, or ethos, toward a humanist consensus. He indicates that the movement has matured in the last forty years. He believes the Judeo-Christian ethic has been supplanted by humanism.

The results of secularism with its relativistic value system are many. Monogamous marriage as instituted by God is rejected, and divorce is accepted. Remarriage is no longer frowned upon and a form of serial polygamy now exists. A person may have only one wife or husband at a time, but if they divorce, they can have several one after the other.

This secular view of man and society, with its denial of biblical moral authority, makes possible such changes as the sexual revolution of the new morality, the situation ethics of Joseph Fletcher, and the hedonistic philosophy of Hugh Hefner. The demands of the radical element of the women’s liberation movement for the legalization of abortion and the elimination of marriage can occur only in a secular society.

The believer in Bible prophecy is not surprised to see these trends in our culture. The apostle Paul wrote in 2-Timothy 3:1–5, This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

Technological Change

Industrialization and urbanization were accompanied by changes in technology that affected family life. The invention of the automobile and the development of mass production made for widespread ownership of automobiles. One of the first changes occurred in the area of dating. Prior to this it was fairly easy for parents to chaperone young people when the were dating. The car enabled young people to choose their own friends and to spend their evenings outside of parental approval, often in the backseat of parked cars (Henslin 1985, 211). It also led to drive-in restaurants and theaters. It made possible the rise of suburban communities.

The invention and widespread use of television also has had a dramatic impact on American family life. At first television was hailed as a means of reuniting families as they would watch programs together. Programs were censored and many family-oriented programs were televised. However, as time passed, censorship relaxed until programs destructive to family life and values predominate.

Programming for television is influenced by secular humanism. Franky Schaeffer (1982, 26–27) reports on a survey of two hundred journalists and broadcasters: The results of this survey are startling and confirm, even beyond one’s worst suspicions, the religious commitment of the media to secular humanism. Tim LaHaye (1982, 106) asks, In the past few years, why has television programming descended from filth, smut, and innuendo to depravity? Because the humanists who control the industry are out to destroy (they call it ‘alter’) the moral fiber of our country, without which the traditional family cannot exist.

As indicated, this type of programming has serious implications for the family. David Mains (1985, 35) comments that he is awed by this ingenious takeover of such a powerful media tool for molding people’s thinking. . . . People are being influenced by these mind changers. He relates that the average person spends forty-two hours a week in front of a television set. If a Christian views only half this much, it amounts to twenty-one hours a week. He concludes, "overexposure to secular input is dangerous" (italics added). If the Christian family desires to accomplish the goal of being an example to lost neighbors, and to rear children who will love and serve the Lord, then television viewing must be controlled. If this is not possible, then the set must go. Some programs such as news, sporting events, travelogues, and nature studies have value, but even here, the humanist slant of the news and the evolutionary content of the nature programs must be explained to children.

Duvall and Miller (1985, 196–97) state, the television set is an ever-present, inexpensive and effective babysitter for busy parents, and a focus of fascination for pre-schoolers. The problem is that children are exposed then to sex, profanity, and violence. A study by the National Institute of Mental Health concludes that there is consistent associations between heavy television viewing of violent programs and aggressive behavior in preschool children. The study reported that there is an average of five violent acts per hour of prime-time and eighteen acts per hour on children’s weekend programs. A Task Force Report of the American Psychological Association in 1992 concluded that by age 13, the average child will have witnessed 8,700 murders and more than 160,000 other assorted violent acts on television (Good Housekeeping, July 1992, 188).

It is incumbent upon parents to resist using the television set as a babysitter and to choose wisely the programs their children view. There are excellent programs such as Sesame Street that are both entertaining and educational.

It is estimated that the average high-school graduate will have been exposed to three hundred fifty thousand commercials, and vicariously participated in eighteen thousand killings (LaHaye 1982, 1040). This violence on the television screen is now being carried out in homes, schools, and streets. The abuse of family members is a national disgrace. The violence in some city schools requires the presence of police to keep peace in the hallways. Crime and violence make it unsafe to walk city streets. This desensitization to violence is a result of violence viewed by these young people on the television screen (Butler and Gutknecht 1985, 240).

Fortunately, both Christians and non-Christians are responding to television violence by demanding less violent TV programming. The National Coalition on Television Violence . . . the Coalition for Better Television . . . draw Christian people together to oppose and boycott sponsors, if necessary, to halt the tide of violence. Christian people need to seize leadership in this matter and restrict the watching of television violence in their own homes (LaHaye 1982, 106).

The widespread use of videocassette recorders has added a new dimension to television viewing. Videocassettes from both Christian and non-Christian sources are available. In this case also, the choice of programs determines the educative value of the instrument.

The computer is another technological invention that is changing the manner in which American families operate. The computer . . . is now changing centuries-old ways of doing things and may possibly bring about the greatest social revolution in the whole history of mankind. . . . (Spencer 1986, 3). When they first came on the scene, it was predicted that eventually every family would have a computer in the home. Not every household has a personal computer, but the majority have an embedded computer that is part of an appliance such as a television set or a camera that performs some specialized function. All late-model automobiles now incorporate one or more such computers (Graham 1989, 10).

A small percentage of households do have personal computers. These are used mainly for recordkeeping, but some are used to keep recipes or daily and weekly schedules (Butler and Gutknecht 1985, 257). They have become indispensable for home businesses. Video games are also widely played on home computers (Dertouzos and Moses 1980, 4).

Another popular use for home computers is word processing. An individual can now work at home and transmit his finished product via phone lines to another state or fax them anywhere in the world. The computer may be used in the home or in the office, or it may dissolve the distinction between the two, putting us back into a world of cottage industries where people work at or near their homes with their families and friends—and their homes can be anywhere in the world, thanks to satellite communications (Bradbeer, DeBono, and Laurie 1982, 21).

Some companies are already allowing employees to work out of their homes as it saves overhead expenses for the firm. For example, Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Washington, D.C., has home workers file insurance claims into the company’s computers; workers are paid by the number of claims they process. This permits the women to be with their small children. According to Electronic Services Unlimited, as many as ten thousand employees in the United States are similarly earning their living staying at home (Butler and Gutknecht 1985, 260). By 1989 the number of telecommuters had increased to five million (Newsweek, 24 April 1989).

Computers are being used by schools and introduced to children at the primary level. Almost any subject can be enhanced by the use of the computer. Math and word processing together represent the large majority of computer educational programs. They, of course, only scratch the surface of the world of knowledge and skills that are part of any child’s school experience (Butler and Gutknecht 1985, 255). Today’s children are being prepared to take their place in the information age that is now upon us.

Computers can also be used in the home to enable adults to continue their education. There are college courses available on television, but the individual may not be home at the time a course is given. The educational computer program in the home could presumably be run at any available time, and the computer system might even remind the student to continue a course if he had been avoiding it for awhile (Dertouzos and Moses 1980, 8).

Other uses of the home computer are for transmission of information (electronic mail), control of basic appliances in the home (heating and air conditioning), the electronic transfer of funds, and establishing an electronic home library (Dertouzos and Moses 1980, 13). It is apparent computers will play an increasing role in the life of the American family.

Social Policy and Change

Many changes in the American family have taken place because of governmental actions. Various terms are used in reference to the relationship of these actions and the family: social policy, family policy, or public policy are all used. Moen and Schorr (Steinmetz and Sussman 1987, 795) define family policy as a widely agreed on set of objectives for families, toward the realization of which the state (and other major social institutions) deliberately shape programs and policies. The total number of governmental agencies that affect the family is enormous. A government’s social policy helps set the rules of the game—the stakes, the risks, the payoffs, the tradeoffs, and the strategies for making a living, raising a family . . . (Finsterbusch and McKenna 1990, 208).

Laws, regulations, and restrictions affect the individual in the family from birth to death. However, no one public policy is concerned primarily with the interests of the family.

Such a policy is impossible due to the pluralistic nature of American society. Conservatives and liberals differ as to what constitutes a normal family. Each of these groups attempts to influence governmental decisions affecting any aspect of family living.

Conservatives are concerned about laws attempting to change the structure or functioning of the traditional family. They argue against laws making divorce easier. They disapprove of Aid for Families with Dependent Children (AFDC) regulations permiting unmarried women to continue bearing children. They work to change a Supreme Court decision (Roe v. Wade) that legalizes abortion. They oppose laws permitting minors to secure abortions without the consent of their parents. They resist a welfare system that creates an underclass locked into a permanent state of poverty and hopelessness. In effect, they are opposed to any governmental action that tends to weaken the nuclear family, and they support most any measure that strengthens the family.

Many governmental policies do strengthen the family. Unemployment insurance is a blessing to multitudes of families in time of economic stress. Social Security and Medicare make life more livable for millions of senior citizens. Medicaid and Aid for the Aged help less fortunate seniors. Aid for Families with Dependent Children has enabled many mothers to rear their children. (It is the abuse of the program that conservatives oppose.) Since family policy affects all families, Christians must be concerned and active in support of groups and legislation. Clinton (Regier 1982, 258) issues this challenge, If we believe any good can come through government programs, we citizens must also act based on social research and biblical values and take responsibility to see that all channels of influence and integration are pursued. Family action councils, lobbyists, and personal involvement are necessary, working together.

Change and the Christian Family

It is difficult to differentiate between a nominal Christian family and a non-Christian one. The non-Christian or secular family leaves God out of its life. They do not attend church and humanistic values guide their behavior. Their economic life is dominated by materialism. Weddings are handled by a justice of the peace. When death strikes, the body is cremated. They do not have a need for God at any time.

The nominal Christian home is not too different from a secular home. When asked how his family differed from the unsaved family next door, one young man wrote:

My parents are both professing Christians, but the only difference between them and the next door neighbors is that my parents do attend church regularly on Sunday morning. They do not feel any obligation to be present at the evening service nor on Wednesday night unless it is a very special occasion. I do not know if they have private devotions, but we have never had worship together as a family. Several times we have started saying grace before meals, yet it has never become established as a regular practice. One more thing. My folks don’t swear, drink, or smoke, and the neighbors do.

This young man did not find his home much different from the secular home next door.

Two young women responded to the same question in a more positive manner:

The relationship between my father and mother is such that my father is head of the house and God is the head of his life. Because he is guided by the Lord, the decisions he makes are usually right. My mother is submissive to my father and even though he is the head, he loves and takes care of his family well and uses his authority with love and guidance from the Lord.

Our home life is different from that of a family of non-Christians because we have a basic trust and personal relationship with Christ. Because of this our language is different, our habits are different also. More than this there is a stronger bond between our family which helps us meet and defeat trials and temptations which come along. Christ is the head of our household and has His protecting hand on all of our family. I personally feel that if more families had a Christian basis, there would be less homes splitting up and more homes truly happy.

The responses of these young women indicate they have come from homes that are truly Christian, whose secular neighbors are able to see evidence of Christianity as it applies to family life.

A truly Christian home has identifying features. It is one where the Lord Jesus Christ is loved by all members and is overtly demonstrated to each other. This bond of love manifests itself in various ways: harmonious relationships, family worship, regular church attendance, active witness to friends and neighbors, service to the Lord in the local church and in the community.

The Christian home is the first line of defense against the encroaching tide of secular humanism. Churches and Christian schools are only as strong as the families in them. Satan is a crafty foe who knows where to attack, and he is doing everything in his power to destroy the Christian home. However, greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world. Believers have the inspired Word of God and the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit to enable them to build a Christian home that glorifies the heavenly Father. The Maces (1985, 278) suggest that an acid test of any Christian life is and must be, how the person concerned manages his or her interpersonal relationships—in marriage first, then in the family group. . . . The succeeding chapters are designed to help meet the great challenge of creating strong Christian homes that will withstand the pressures of a secular society.

Study Questions

In what ways has the new morality affected the American family?

Why should the average person be concerned about changes in the family?

What changes take place in the family when the wife enters the workplace?

How does geographic mobility affect the family?

Define secular humanism. How does it differ from humanitarianism? From the humanities?

What impact has television viewing had on the American family? How does it contribute to the violence in American culture?

What are the advantages of a home computer? The disadvantages?

Why should a Christian be concerned about governmental family policies?

Discuss the manner in which two governmental family policies affect your family.

Define and contrast the secular home and the Christian home. Which term describes your home?

Suggested Readings

Butler, E. W., and D. B. Gutknecht, eds. 1985. Family, self, and society. 2d ed. New York: Univ. Press of America. A valued selection of articles dealing with emerging issues, alternatives, and interventions in family life.

Cherlin, A. J., ed. 1988. The changing American family and public policy. Washington, D.C.: The Urban Institute Press. The Urban Institute is interested in providing information to government-policy decisionmakers to enable them to pass legislation that will help to alleviate social ills. Six sections in this volume concern families and how public policy relates to them. Section 1 has an adequate treatment of changes in the American family.

Coleman, W. L. 1983. Making TV work for your family. Minneapolis: Bethany House. A booklet designed to involve children in decisions concerning use of the television set.

Geisler, N. L. 1983. Is man the measure? An evaluation of contemporary humanism. Grand Rapids: Baker. One of America’s leading apologists demonstrates the dangers of secular humanism in American culture.

Graham, N. 1989. The mind tool: Computers and their impact on society. St. Paul: West. A textbook that describes the various uses of the computer in education, health care, business, and finance.

Hitchcock, J. 1982. What is secular humanism? Ann Arbor: Servant. Hitchcock gives a short but adequate historical background of secular humanism, emphasizing the American experience. He also critiques areas such as the mass media and the churches.

Liebert, R. M., and J. Sprafkin, eds. 1988. The early window: The effects of television on children and youth. 3d ed. Elmsford, N.Y.: Pergamon. Written for those concerned with television and its role in the future of society. Presents scientific evidence concerning many facets of television viewing and its negative influence on children and youth.

Lull, J. 1990. World families watch television. Newbury Park, Calif.: Sage. A collection of articles on television viewing in various countries. The article on the U.S. states that in 1987 the average American family watched television for seven hours a day.

Slocum, R. E. 1986. Ordinary Christians in a high-tech world. Waco: Word. Written by a Presbyterian layman, a physical scientist, who is concerned about the effects of modern technology on the church and family.

Woodbridge, J. D., ed. 1985. Renewing your mind in a secular world. Chicago: Moody. What do Christians need to know about renewing their minds? The articles discuss the rise of secular humanism and the biblical resources available to help the believer renew his mind.

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Culture and the Christian Family

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.

—Genesis 2:24

The Crisis in Christian Families

The house shook. The doors swayed and creaked. The windows shattered. In Frostproof, Florida, November 1990, Pauline Bennett awoke to find her house being swallowed by the earth. The limestone layer