Family Ministry and The Church: A Leader's Guide for Ministry Through Families

By Chris Shirley

Chris Shirley and his contributors provide a guide to establish a theological and practical framework for family ministry both inside and outside the church. Dr. Shirley helps the reader discover the role of the church in strengthening families and equipping them for ministry. The writers open a window showing practical steps to provide comprehensive spiritual development for every family member at any life stage. Families today face tremendous cultural and spiritual challenges. This calls for vigilance among the body of Christ and its leaders to build a solid discipleship framework. This work is an excellent resource for ministry leaders as well as college and seminary students. Topics include defining family ministry, equipping every member of the family for ministry, the pastor's leadership, strengthening marriages and parents, equipping grandparents, biblical responses to contemporary family issues, and several more. Dr. Shirley is joined in writing this work by the following contributors: Scott, Floyd, Brian Haynes, Karen Kennemur, Richard Ross, and Paul Stutz.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Randall House
• Release date: Jul 17, 2018
• ISBN: 9781614840947

Chris Shirley

Chris Shirley, PhD. Serves as Associate Professor and Program Director for the Master of Arts in Discipleship and Master of Arts in Student Ministry at Dallas Baptist University (DBU). Prior to his call to DBU, Dr. Shirley taught in the Terry School of Church and Family Ministries at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, where he taught in the discipleship and family ministry area. Dr. Shirley has also served for over 20 years in Christian camping and local churches in North Carolina and Texas. Dr. Shirley is a frequent conference and workshop speaker in a variety of areas: family ministry, men's discipleship, older adult ministry, adult education, and teacher training. In addition, he has written youth and adult Sunday School curriculum, adult and youth Vacation Bible School literature, and Bible book studies.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

In the early years of this century, leaders in the evangelical church began to notice a problem that had been brewing for generations: the church was leaking. A significant number of young people were leaking out of the church after high school, with no intention of returning. Church leaders were sharing stories of families who were leaking out of consistent attendance patterns, opting instead for weekend sports tournaments, leisure activities, and more downtime in the midst of their hectic schedules. Youth and children’s leaders bemoaned the spiritual leadership leak at home. Parents who understood their role as spiritual leaders and disciplers at home were a rare exception; most parents were more than happy to leave the spiritual training of their children to the staff members at church.

If the truth be known, many church leaders were complicit in the problem. These professional ministers had been trained in the finest seminaries and colleges to provide full-service discipleship for church members from birth to grave. Children’s ministers were trained to disciple children. Student ministers were taught how to disciple teenagers. Adult ministers were trained to disciple adults at each stage of life. Pastors were equipped in the latest church growth strategies, which included providing a full menu of ministries for family health and enrichment. The assumption of this model was that staff members at every level of life, along with a corps of trained volunteers, could provide comprehensive spiritual development for every family member at any life stage.

This is the point at which the proverbial elephant standing in the middle of the room suddenly materialized. We forgot the home! Leaders had not been trained or encouraged to engage and equip parents in their most important role as spiritual leaders and disciple makers. In turn, parents were not prepared or motivated to accomplish one of their most important responsibilities! The faith of children and teenagers, who were not intentionally discipled at home and through the church, was not surviving their transition into adulthood.

The church needed a new direction for family ministry. Family-based ministries of the past, primarily consisting of marriage and family counseling and family recreation programs, were no longer sufficient for the task. Along with these important ministries, church leaders needed to invest more time and resources into discipling parents and equipping them to be spiritual leaders at home and to stand alongside (rather than in front of) parents as they discipled their children. To this end, cutting-edge leaders like Brian Haynes, Richard Ross, Randy Stinson, Timothy Paul Jones, and Ron Hunter were some of the first voices in setting a new course for family ministry in the church. Many others have contributed to this new family-equipping paradigm. Randall House and D6 Family are on the forefront in providing some of the best family ministry resources through Bible study curriculum and conference training.

I joined these cheerleaders when I was asked to develop a family ministry concentration on a master’s and doctoral level. We set a direction for the program that was somewhat different than the prevailing philosophy. While the development of parents as spiritual leaders remained the centerpiece, we expanded the scope of our program to include a family strengthening emphasis as well. We believed that counseling, family recreation, marriage enrichment, and parent training were also necessary factors in a comprehensive family ministry strategy for the local church.

In my search for family ministry textbooks for the program, I made two discoveries: (1) most current books written for pastors and church ministry staff focused primarily on developing parents as spiritual leaders and strategies for home-based discipleship, and (2) the two comprehensive texts written for college or seminary classes were first published in the 1980s and 90s. Although both have been updated, neither provides a balance between parent equipping and family strengthening topics. Family Ministry and the Church is my response to the need for a book that addresses the many theological and practical facets of family ministry and is relevant to present and future church leaders. While parents could certainly benefit from the information contained in this book, the intended audience is those who are either training for ministry leadership or are current leaders: pastors, age-group ministers, and volunteer ministry leaders.

You will notice a common pattern throughout the book. Starting each chapter is a story in virtual reality. These short episodes illustrate the importance of the topic and its relevance in a contemporary ministry setting. The content that follows is divided between biblical foundations and practical application, relating the necessity for basing ministry practice on the truth of God’s Word. At the conclusion of the chapter are a series of discussion questions—which could be used in the classroom or a church staff setting—and recommended resources for those who would like to explore the topic in more depth.

I would certainly not qualify myself as an expert in all things family ministry. Although I served nearly 20 years in variety of positions pertaining to family life and discipleship, and have taught family ministry courses on the master’s and doctoral level for over a decade, there is so much I still need to learn. In preparing this book, I have relied upon those who have a greater depth of ministry experience and training in their area. Pastor and author Brian Haynes is one of the premier leaders and influencers in the family-equipping ministry arena. My friend and former professor, Scott Floyd, has made his mark in two seminaries and in the local church by equipping a generation of Christian counselors who are strengthening marriages and families around the world. Likewise, Karen Kennemur serves the Lord with her expertise in children’s ministry to train students and local church leaders in the vital work of training up children in the way they should go. As an author, speaker, scholar, and practitioner in student ministry, Richard Ross has given his life to the goal of connecting hearts of parents to their teenage children for the glory of Jesus Christ. Paul Stutz has a lifetime of experience in the local church and academics and brings a unique perspective to an often overlooked yet vital aspect of family strengthening: family leisure and recreation. I am indebted to each of these experts for their contribution to this book and for their friendship.

My experience in family ministry is not only as a ministry leader and professor, but also as a husband, father, and grandfather. I would never want to give the impression that I have been a perfect example of all the recommendations in this book. My family can certainly confirm that! Although my wife, Isabel, has seen me at my best and worst, she continues to lavish me with unconditional love and support; she is my loudest cheerleader. My children, Andrew and Haylee, are testimonies to God’s grace. Their consistent walk with the Lord is more a product of the Father’s guidance than their father’s influence. But I have been given the privilege of raising them, and for that, I am thankful. The depth of their character is seen in their choice of mates, Heather and Max. As relatively new grandparents, Isabel and I are excited to experience the joy of playing our part in the spiritual growth of our current grandchildren, Graham and Caroline, and any grandkids to come! This book is dedicated to my family for the many ways in which they have brought joy and purpose to my life.

Ultimately, this book is a sacrifice of praise to the Lord Jesus Christ. This is an offering for the One whom I give my unending love and allegiance. He is my Lord, and I am His servant and disciple. Through faith in Jesus Christ, I have been adopted into the family of the Most High God and I am a child of the perfect Father. Through Christ, I have a family at home and a family through the church, comprised of countless brothers and sisters with whom I share a common Spirit. Through Christ, we have a common purpose and mission: to make disciples who will make disciples. We accomplish our mission at home, through the church, and in the world. Through Christ, we share a common destiny: life eternal with the family of God in the presence of the One True King. Sola Deo Gloria!

Chapter One

THE FOUR CORNERS OF FAMILY MINISTRY: TOWARD A BALANCED DEFINITION

Chris Shirley

As he walked toward the front door of the sanctuary, Pastor Andrew surveyed the room one more time before he turned out the lights. The sun shone through the ornate stained-glass windows, filling the sanctuary with rays of multicolored light; but the light only accentuated the emptiness of the room. One word echoed in the pastor’s thoughts as he took a mental photo of the scene: death. Earlier that morning, in an emergency business meeting, the congregation had voted to disband the church and sell the building and land to a real estate developer. Faith Community Church was dead. The plug was pulled.

Many years ago, Faith Community had been one of the largest churches in town. Suburban sprawl brought young families into the area, and church membership exploded along with the size of the surrounding housing developments. After several decades of expansion, attendance plateaued and headed downward. A church that was at one time filled with nearly a thousand worshippers was now struggling to reach one hundred…on a good day. The congregation had aged along with the local community and was now mostly empty nesters and older adults, with a sprinkling of families with young children and teenagers.

Following the resignation of a long-tenured pastor, the church called Andrew to lead them out of decline. In the eyes of the church leaders, this young pastor with a multi-talented wife and three small children would be the perfect solution to the problem. In addition, recent changes in the area and plenty of affordable housing were once again attracting young families to the neighborhoods around the church. The members of Faith Community believed they were poised for renewal.

Pastor Andrew arrived with a strategic plan for family ministry and, for five long years, tried to prove himself worthy of the congregation’s confidence. Along with his wife and a few dedicated volunteers, the pastor implemented new programs and ministries focused specifically on attracting families with young children. The church also hired a part-time Minister to Children and Families to assist the pastor. Andrew and his wife were out nearly every night of the week visiting prospects and building relationships with young parents. The church was proud of their staff members and complimented them regularly for their tireless efforts to grow the church; but, the church did not grow. Younger families would show up from time to time to take part in a new program, but would eventually move on to a more exciting ministry at another church. Even parents who were members of the church were taking their children to other churches offering activities that were more fun. While the older adults were more than willing to fund new family-focused ministries, they were unwilling to invest their time and abilities to disciple the younger generations. Church attendance continued to hemorrhage, despite the determined efforts of the pastor. After three years, Andrew lost his motivation for ministry; after five years, he lost his will to lead. The church followed his example and lost the will to live.

THE NEED FOR FAMILY MINISTRY

Unfortunately, the story of Pastor Andrew is all too familiar. Too many churches like Faith Community have lost the ability—and for some, the desire—to be a place where families are won to Christ, parents are equipped to be spiritual leaders, marriages and family relationships are strengthened with godly wisdom, and all members share the responsibility to raise up the next generation of disciples for the glory of God.

The church and the family are inherently connected to one another, and the well-being of one is dependent on the other. It would be difficult, if not impossible, to measure this correlation with numbers and statistics, but the observable trends provide a thoughtful person with enough evidence to see the deep problems facing the church and the home:

•  Most surveys find churches of every stripe are losing young adults at an alarming rate. Findings from The National Study of Youth and Religion indicate the largest shift in religious affiliation among Millennials (age 18-23) was to the not religious category.¹

•  Responding to a Barna survey, fifty percent of parents said that, contrary to conventional wisdom, having children did not influence their connection to a church; even among those identified as Christian, 47% said the presence of children was unrelated to their church life.²

•  Sixty percent of parents in the U.S. rely on their personal experience to be a source of guidance on parenting. By comparison, 21 percent indicate they receive significant guidance from their Scripture, and only 15 percent depend on a church for parenting.³

Aside from these cultural warning signs, the Bible testifies to the impact of the family on the faith community, or vice versa, when one or the other strays from God’s plan and removes the Lord from His rightful place as King and Sovereign.

•  The first family fracture occurred in Eden, when Adam and Eve sinned against God. Their sinful choice infected their own children and was woven into the fabric of future families and nations. On a hopeful note, the sin of the first Adam set in motion God’s plan of salvation, which He delivered through a physical family (Abraham), a chosen nation (Israel), and a redeemed bride (the Church).

•  The conflict in King David’s household, resulting in the eventual division of Israel and the destruction of the nation, began with one act of adultery with Bathsheba. Their infidelity set in motion a pattern of sexual sin that split apart David’s family. Even though the king was a man devoted to God, his commitment to his family never reached the same level. David’s laissez faire approach to parenting and marriage continued after him through Solomon and the many of kings of Judah. The sin of God’s nation, leading to their downfall and exile, started in the home.

•  In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul rebuked the church for tolerating sexual sin in one of their families: a member of the church was sleeping with his step-mother. Paul criticized the church for not only allowing the man to continue as a member in good standing, but also for being proud of their tolerance. The apostle reminded them that a little yeast permeates the whole batch of dough (1 Cor. 5:6); the sin of this man and his family had already infected the church and would, if allowed to continue, weaken the entire congregation.

•  The story of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11) demonstrates the connection between marital and spiritual fidelity. When Ananias and his wife sold some personal property, they conspired to donate only part of the proceedings to the church, while making it seem as if they were giving it all. The Holy Spirit revealed their sin to Peter, and when he confronted Ananias in the presence of the church, Ananias dropped dead. Similarly, when Sapphira showed up later, she lied to Peter—and God—and her life was cut short as well. When the sinful couple allowed their marital loyalty to supersede their devotion to God and the church, the Lord took their lives rather than allow their sin to infect their spiritual family.

DEFINING FAMILY MINISTRY

The undeniable connection between the church and the family, as well as the need to address the tremendous cultural and spiritual challenges affecting home life today, calls for vigilance among the body of Christ and its leaders. However, family ministry cannot simply be a catch-phrase or seasonal emphasis. Every church, large or small, needs to build a family-focused framework. The construction crew should consist of every church leader, beginning with the pastor, and include every member of the church, regardless of life or family situation. The mission must be holistic: to teach and model biblical family patterns at home and in church, strengthen godly relationships among members of the physical and spiritual family, and train parents for spiritual leadership and disciple-making in the home.

Definitions guide practice and, in relation to family ministry, the definition leaders use will determine goals, shape plans, and direct implementation. The definition of family ministry has experienced a metamorphosis over the past thirty years and is still in flux. In the 1980s, Charles Sell, author of one of the first comprehensive family ministry texts, proposed a definition emphasizing the role of education: family ministry involves communicating to people of all ages, in as many ways as possible, the biblical and practical truths of family living.⁴ Sell recommended a church-based ministry model for family support and nurture, led by the efforts of church staff and trained counselors who were committed to enriching, building, and mending families.⁵ Educational programming and family therapy were the standards for sustaining a family-friendly atmosphere and responding to the needs of families in crisis. Sell believed a successful family ministry should include strategies that are therapeutic in nature… and include ways to help family members understand themselves and deal with the reasons why they behave as they do.⁶ In the 1990s, Diana Garland constructed a sociological framework for family ministry. Garland’s expansive text organized family ministry into three categories: activities that (1) develop faith-families in the congregation; (2) enrich Christlike relationships in the family; and (3) prepare and support believers who minister to others through their family.⁷

From the 1980s until the end of the 20th century, the components of a church-based family ministry included marriage and parenting enrichment courses, workshops and retreats, family life education conferences, expanded youth and children’s ministry programs, family life centers, and marriage and family counseling. The implied goal during this era was to produce emotionally healthy and connected, yet differentiated, family members, which would ultimately benefit the church.

Entering the 21st century, the prognosis for families in the church had not improved. In fact, there were indications the condition had worsened. Teenagers were leaving the church after high school and abandoning their faith.⁸ Young adults were conspicuously absent among congregations across denominations.⁹ Even the conventional wisdom that young couples would return to church once they started having children was not occurring.¹⁰ In response, a new family ministry definition was introduced, focusing almost exclusively on the development of parents as disciple-makers at home. Leading voices in the field, including Timothy Paul Jones, Brian Haynes, Mark DeVries, and Voddie Baucham proposed home-based solutions to the problems plaguing the family and church.¹¹ Jones called for a new and focused purpose for family ministry as:

…the process of intentionally and persistently realigning a congregation’s proclamation and practices so that parents are acknowledged, trained, and held accountable as the persons primarily responsible for the discipleship of their children.¹²

The differences between current models of family ministry are philosophical; there is general agreement about the need to equip parents as spiritual leaders in the home, but divergence concerning church structure and method. Those who hold to a family-based model use the existing church structure of age-segregated ministry to plan and program in ways that intentionally draw generations together and encourage parents to take part in the discipleship of their children and youth.¹³ In the family-equipping model, age-segregated ministry still exists in some form, but the structure of the church is redesigned to draw the generations together, equipping parents, championing their role as primary disciple-makers, and holding them accountable to fulfill this role.¹⁴ Family-integrated ministry represents the most dramatic departure from traditional family ministry. Proponents of this model believe age-group segregation is unbiblical and has damaged the family and the church. Those who support this new approach propose the elimination of all age-segregated programs and events. All or nearly all programs and events [should be] multigenerational, with a strong focus on parents’ responsibility to evangelize and disciple their own children.¹⁵

Because of the diversity among the current models, the components of a parent-based family ministry are not easily categorized. However, some of the more common elements include family small groups, at-home discipleship resources and training, milestone training and celebrations,¹⁶ family worship services, and rite-of-passage observances.¹⁷ The implied goal of most current models is to equip parents who can effectively disciple their children and usher them into adulthood with a firm foundation of faith.

A BALANCED DEFINITION: THE FOUR CORNERS

During the last 40 years, the concept of family ministry has moved from one end of the spectrum to the other. The pattern of the past gave scant attention to equipping parents as spiritual leaders and preparing them to disciple at home, while the current movement diminishes the role of the church in building a support structure for family well-being. A balanced definition of family ministry should recognize the contribution of both the family and the church. The following definition not only sets the boundaries for the remaining chapters in this book, but also provides leaders with a schema for developing a balanced family ministry strategy for the church:

Family Ministry is the shared service of all disciples in a local church—called by God and gifted by the Holy Spirit—to strengthen families and equip them to make disciples of Jesus Christ in the home, as the church, and throughout the world.¹⁸

Within this definition are the four corners of a family ministry: family, church, ministry, and disciple. These corners connect a framework for transforming the home and building the church.

THE FIRST CORNER: FAIMILY

Definitions from a simple dictionary search reflect broad diversity within a contemporary understanding of family: family can be as traditional as a father, mother, and their children, or as unconventional as a group of friends who live in the same apartment. In the 21st century, family is a concept in search of a meaning. The increase in alternative family structures will continue to cause confusion; cohabitation, same-sex marriage, surrogate parenting, genetic engineering, and other yet-unknown developments will further cloud an already murky understanding of family.

Searching the Scripture

The first corner of family ministry is God’s definition of family: an institution He created in the beginning. Scripture records the establishment of family in Genesis 1 and 2, as God designed two compatible human beings—male and female, created in His image—who were joined to one another in a covenant relationship we call marriage. The characteristics of the marriage covenant are explicated in Scripture as permanence (Matt. 19:6), exclusivity (Ex. 20:14), mutuality (Eph. 5:33), intimacy (Gen. 2:23), and sacredness (Eph. 5:25).¹⁹ Out of this covenantal relationship, a family was formed with purpose and mission. In Genesis 1:28, God gave the original couple their first assignment: … Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth. Created in the image of God, and brought together under His authority, the man and woman were given the task to reproduce (bear children) and the mission to rule (become stewards of God’s world). Even though the Fall frustrated mankind’s capacity to fully realize God’s best plan, the ideal remains intact. Families begin with a relational covenant between a man and woman, who join together under God’s authority to fulfill the divinely given task and bring glory to God throughout the world.²⁰ All those who are grafted into this relationship, either biologically or legally, are members of the family.²¹

The ideal for family is not always the reality, even in Scripture. The Bible describes a variety of family models beyond the concept of the traditional family: father, mother, and children.

•  Single parents with children: Hagar and Ishmael (Gen. 16), the widow of Zarapheth (1 Kgs. 17:7-16)

•  Single parents with adopted children: Pharaoh’s daughter and Moses (Ex. 2:5-10)

•  Blended families with stepchildren: Jacob’s wives and their children (Gen. 29); David, his wives, and their children (2 Sam. 3:2-5)

•  Grandparents or family relatives raising children: Jehoida/Jehosheba and Joash (2 Kgs. 11)

•  Childless couples: Abraham and Sarah, Zacharias and Elizabeth (until their older years) (Gen. 16:1; Luke 1:5-7)

•  Guardianship: Eli and Samuel (1 Sam. 1:19-28), Joseph and Jesus (Matt. 1:18-25)

The Bible also provides an unblinking record of the effects of a fallen world on family structure and relationships. Divorce (Deut. 24:1-4), cohabitation (John 4:17-18), infant death (2 Sam. 12:19), infidelity (2 Sam. 11), rebellious children (1 Sam. 2:12-26), sibling hatred (Gen. 37), barrenness (1 Sam. 1:1-15), incest (2 Sam. 13; 1 Cor. 5:1), out-of-wedlock births (Gen. 38), polygamy (1 Kgs. 11:3), and other consequences of sin are conveyed honestly from cover to cover.

God’s Word strikes a deliberate balance between upholding the value of God’s best plan for marriage and family and addressing the reality of less-than-ideal family circumstances. When King David committed adultery with Bathsheba, the prophet Nathan proclaimed a message of judgment against the king, reminding him of God’s standard (2 Sam. 12:1-14). Yet, in Psalm 51 we read the words of David’s restoration song, as God applied grace and forgiveness to the humble and repentant king. Abraham and Sarah’s lack of faith disrupted God’s best plan for their family. Sarah gave her husband a servant girl, Hagar, to produce the child promised to Abraham. Jealousy and family friction followed, and Hagar became a victim of their disobedience. When a pregnant Hagar was exiled to certain death in the wilderness, God’s angel came to her with a word of encouragement but, at the same time, sent her back home to complete her obligation to Sarah and fulfill God’s plan for her unborn son, Ishmael (Gen. 16).

Family ministry starts by defining and upholding a scriptural understanding of the meaning, purpose, and mission of family. Defining these components through the shifting values of culture and philosophy will only obscure the message directing God’s people to His best plan for their lives. At the same time, family ministry involves recognizing the diversity of family structures in the church, as well as the accompanying challenges faced by family members in any arrangement.

Searching for Today’s Family

Churches include families of every stripe, including:

•  The nuclear family: father/mother and their child(ren) living at home

•  Single mothers or fathers and their child(ren)

•  Blended stepfamilies

•  Foster parents with children

•  Grandparents raising their grandchildren

•  Families with domestically and/or internationally adopted children

•  Unmarried couples with children

•  Siblings raising siblings

•  Couples with no children

•  Children with parents who do not attend church (spiritual orphans)

The western ideal of the nuclear family—mother, father, and children living in harmony at home—is gradually becoming an icon of the past. Likewise, the importance of the extended family in Eastern culture, once a bedrock value, is eroding. Recent studies indicate the disintegration of family structures across the globe:

•  From 1970 to 2012, the proportion of U.S. households with married couples raising children under 18 fell from 40 to 20 percent.

•  In 2012, 20% of adults 25 years and older (approx. 42 million people) had never been married, whereas in 1960, less than 10% in that age range had never been married.²²

•  Cohabitation is expanding rapidly in North and South America, Europe, and parts of Africa.²³

•  As many couples choose smaller families, or opt for no children, birth replacement rates have fallen to dangerous levels around the world, particularly in developed countries.²⁴

•  The birth rate to unmarried mothers in