The Toff

By R.J. Davin

The setting is Victorian London in the 1890’s and centres round a gang of petty criminals of which the Toff is a member. ‘The Toff’ whose real name is Jack Stevens is the main character of the story, he is called ‘The Toff’ because of his stylish attire. He is always accompanied by his cat ‘Amber.’ The leader of the gang Joseph Binn, is invited by two mysterious strangers to join in a daring robbery. The story now shifts to the offices of government. The Prime Minister is faced with a problem, his Home Secretary is angry with the Foreign Secretary who continually interferes in the Home Secretary’s departmental matters. The Prime Minister forbids anymore interference by the Foreign Secretary into other departments. The Foreign Secretary is approached by a mysterious stranger in the case of an innocent man facing the gallows. If he helps save the condemned man, the stranger will give him details of a big robbery. The execution is delayed with the intervention of the Foreign Secretary. Only with luck is the Toff led to stumble onto the true significance of the robbery and it’s far more sinister intent. The foul plot is foiled and in the end Binn, the Toff and the rest of the gang are justly rewarded for their efforts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: ReadOnTime BV
• Release date: Jul 5, 2014
• ISBN: 9781742843926

Book preview

The Toff

R J Davin

The Toff

Copyright © 2013 R J Davin

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

The information, views, opinions and visuals expressed in this publication are solely those of the author(s) and do not reflect those of the publisher. The publisher disclaims any liabilities or responsibilities whatsoever for any damages, libel or liabilities arising directly or indirectly from the contents of this publication.

A copy of this publication can be found in the National Library of Australia.

ISBN: 978-1-742843-92-6

Published by Book Pal

www.bookpal.com.au

Dedicated to Pinkie,

the real Amber.

Contents

Synopsis

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Synopsis

The Toff

‘The Toff’ is a humorous story with a dramatic background of conspiracy, mystery and danger. ‘The Toff’ whose real name is Jack Stevens is the main character of the story, he is called ‘The Toff’ because of his stylish attire. He is always accompanied by his cat ‘Amber.’

The setting is Victorian London in the 1890’s and centres round the remains of a gang of incompetent petty criminals who are on the verge of breaking up after many vain efforts to achieve a successful career in crime.

The leader of the gang Joseph Binn, is invited by two mysterious foreign strangers for the gang to join in a daring robbery with a great deal of money involved. Binn sends the Toff off to regain three gang members who have left as he feels that he must have a gang of ten to succeed.

The story now shifts from the sordid London underworld to the plush opulence of the highest offices of government.

The Prime Minister is faced with a difficult problem his Home Secretary is angry with the Foreign Secretary (an amateur sleuth) who continually sticks his nose into the Home Secretary’s departmental matters, especially areas covered by the police. The Prime Minister forbids anymore interference by the Foreign Secretary into any other departments.

Later the Foreign Secretary is approached by a mysterious stranger in the case of an innocent man facing the gallows. If he helps save the condemned man, the stranger will give him details of a big robbery. The amateur sleuth in the Foreign Secretary cannot be denied. The execution is delayed with the intervention of the Foreign Secretary but the Home Secretary, demands that if he fails to prove the criminal’s innocence after a certain time he must resign from his office. The Prime Minister agrees.

Meanwhile the Toff with great cunning and ingenuity has succeeded in regaining the three lost members and while the plan for the robbery is drawing to its climax, the stranger is inexorably leading the Foreign Secretary closer and closer to its discovery.

Only with rare good fortune is the Toff led to stumble onto the true significance of the robbery and it’s far more sinister and evil intent rather than just an attempt to obtain some ill gotten gains.

The foul plot is foiled and in the end Joseph Binn, the Toff and the rest of the gang are justly rewarded for their efforts.

Chapter 1

The chairman leaned forward to refill his glass from the jug of beer on the table before him and leaned back in his chair to sit proudly, as the treasurer standing beside him continued on with his report.

He had good reason to be proud as he sat facing a sea of faces which all belonged to this organisation, he and he alone, had formed against great odds. Well, perhaps the odds weren’t all that great but he still surmounted them and the faces facing him probably didn’t really equal a sea but they came close to it. If you counted the cat asleep on the table and the chairman and the treasurer then the grand total was in the vicinity of nine which could easily be used to form a quite respectable sea.

There were two tables one of which was turned sideways to form a ‘T’, the chairman sat at the head of the ‘T’ to his left stood the treasurer, in front of him along the bar of the ‘T’ sat six people. Down one side sat Lester and his wife and Mark Crisp, on the other side sat Jim Winter, Johno Lank and Jack Stevens, known to all as ‘The Toff’ who was the owner of the cat sleeping in front of him. The Toff stroked him absently.

The chairman looked upon them as an exclusive gathering of some of the greatest criminal minds in all of England, a group the reigning monarch, Queen Victoria, would be proud of. He had said this many times and stood by it, but there were those foolish people who disagreed mainly because, as far as he was concerned, of jealousy and ignorance.

He was just raising his glass of beer to have another drink with a contented smile on his face and a head full of happy, generous thoughts when the droning of the treasurer was cruelly interrupted:

Do we really have to listen to all this rubbish? Demanded an angry Mark Crisp, there were a few murmurs of agreement.

Brother Crisp you are out of order. Said the chairman.

Brother Crisp, Crisp said with disgust as he wiped his nose on a sleeve, Brother Crisp, he repeated and shook his head. I’m ‘Puncher’ Crisp, I’ve been ‘Puncher’ Crisp since I started usin’ these, he held up his fists, if me mates hear me called Brother Crisp, they laugh.

And you let ‘em? Asked Johnny Lank sitting opposite and to his right.

Yeah but only once. Said Crisp grimly.

Brother Lank, you ain’t helpin’. Warned the Chairman.

Look, ‘Dustbin,’ began Crisp, I ain’t…..

Mr Chairman, Brother Crisp, you will call me Mr Chairman.

Everyone knows you’re Joseph Binn known to all as ‘Dustbin’, even to the coppers…..

Mr Chairman, Mr Chairman, the treasurer, still on his feet, was doing some angry stamping of those same feet. He’s using bad language, he’s using bad language.

I heard, Mr Treasurer.

It ain’t nothin’ to the bad language I’d like to use. He said.

That’s enough Brother Crisp….

Do you know, ‘Dustbin,’ he’s been talkin’ for fifteen minutes and all we’ve heard is that it’s this one’s birthday or that one’s birthday….

I ain’t, said the treasurer going into his bad-tempered stamping act again, I ain’t been talkin’ for fifteen minutes, it’s only been ten.

Every time you say something to him he throws a ruddy fit, said Crisp and got murmurs of agreement from the room. The chairman had to act firmly or there would be a revolution.

Alright, Mr Treasurer, I’ll handle this. He said calmly.

I do not throw ruddy fits. Shouted the treasurer as he began a real stamping frenzy and started frothing at the mouth.

Oh, no, of course you don’t. Said Crisp.

Mr Treasurer….. Began the chairman.

I’ll do you, Puncher, I’ll do you.

Oh, yeah, sure you will.

Mr Treasurer, said the chairman calmly, if you don’t shut up I’ll take the treasurer’s book away from you.

No, Dustbin, he looked at the chairman with eyes wide with terror as he hugged the book to his chest; you mean strip me of me office? You wouldn’t, ‘Dustbin’, tell me you wouldn’t.

Shut up. Said the chairman calmly and the treasurer did so.

Look, Dustbin, I didn’t join….

Brother Crisp, I will tell you once more and once more only, you will call me Mr Chairman during these meetings, it’s an office I fought hard for and that my brothers gave me the honour of voting me into….

Hmmmphh. Snorted a sour-faced, sharp-tongued young woman sitting to the left of the chairman.

I’ll just ignore that.

Then I’ll say it again. And she did.

Lester, began the chairman as he drained his glass of beer, Lester, he was addressing a weedy, nervous character who sat beside the woman. As you know this is a man’s organisation but because of the great respect we have for you….

Hmmpphh.

We allow you to bring your wife to our meetings….

He wouldn’t have donated no twenty pounds to this man’s club if he hadn’t been allowed to bring his wife along. She said sharply.

That’s the trouble with women, sighed the chairman unhappily, whenever we men gather to plan and try to get the money they take to buy clothes and jewels…

Hmmpphhh.

….they disrupt the proceedings and sidetrack us from the real problems…

Hmmphhh.

And make funny noises. Said the treasurer.

That’s right. Said the chairman.

Hmmphh.

Missus….

What I can’t understand is how come this club has ten members and you got seventeen votes.

You see, missus, the chairman shook his head, that’s what I said, you women sidetrack us men from the real problems.

Then why don’t you explain those votes?

The number of votes ain’t important, missus, the main thing was that my brothers wanted me to be chairman.

Besides no one else nominated for the position. Said the treasurer.

Mr Treasurer, I’ll handle this.

That’s another thing, said the woman, how come he gets four votes and gets elected treasurer?

Mr Chairman. The treasurer was horrified and was about to go into his stamping act.

It’s alright, lad, I’ll handle this. I think, missus, what you need is just to have your ears boxed.

And are you going to give it to me? She demanded.

It ain’t my place, missus, that’s the husband’s job, that’s why God gave wives husbands. All attention now focused on the husband who sat with a vacant smile on a vacant face.

Well, Mr Lester Prester, said his wife, say something. His smile broadened and he looked directly at the chairman.

Yes, Lester?

I voted for you, Mr Chairman, he turned to the treasurer, but I didn’t vote for you, Hester says you’re a nancy.

Mr Chairman, Mr Chairman. The treasurer was really about to lose control of himself.

I said you are a nancy because you are a nancy. Said the young woman.

He’s gonna throw a ruddy fit now for sure. Said Crisp in disgust.

Hester Prester, said the treasurer as he began to froth at the mouth, Hester Prester.

They may call you Toby Mudd to your face but behind your back they call you Cynthia Mudd. Said Hester Prester.

Mr Chairman…. He now began to stamp his feet and wandered off into gibberish.

Cynthia will you shut up. Ordered the chairman.

Dustbin by name, dustbin by nature. Said a sullen treasurer.

If ever we actually do something at one of these meetings it’ll be a miracle. Said a disgusted Crisp.

Well, just you remember, Brother Crisp, you started this by bursting in on our treasurer. Said the chairman.

I joined this club because I thought we were goin’ to plan great crimes.

Hmmphh.

Mrs Prester…. Began the chairman.

You lot give the criminal classes a bad name. Do you know because of you they’re actually talking about disbanding the local police because they’ve got nothing to do. She said cruelly.

They ain’t, are they? Asked a bright faced hulk sitting across the table from her by the name of James Winter.

Now she’s woken up Dim Jim. Said Crisp.

Come, come, gentlemen, we all know why this organisation was formed. The speaker sat on the immediate right of the chairman. His name was Jack Stevens but to everyone he was ‘The Toff’ because of his finicky detail to careful grooming, before him on the table sleeping soundly was his pet cat, Amber, a white and ginger little creature.

Stevens was rolling himself a cigarette as he wore a very bored expression on his face.

And why was that Toff? Asked Crisp.

Because we are not good criminals, we were trying to carry out our crimes and each kept ruining the others scheme, we formed this organisation so that we could tell each other what we were up to and so that we wouldn’t try to do what somebody else was planing to do.

No, that’s not right. The chairman was shaking his head.

That’s the most accurate statement I’ve heard tonight. Said Hester Prester.

What Brother Stevens said is wrong. Said the chairman as he looked angrily at a bored Toff who was just lighting his cigarette.

Can I finish my report? Asked an impatient treasurer.

Within this room, lad, said the chairman to the Toff as he ignored his treasurer, are some of the cleverest criminals in all of London, in fact, he tapped the table with his finger to emphasise his words, in all of England.

Why not go the whole hog and say all the world. Said Mrs Prester.

I don’t like boasting, in fact, there is not one boastful bone in my whole body, missus, but I will go the whole hog and say there is not a crime any foreigner could do that we in this room could not do and do better. All around the room came murmurs of agreement.

Hmmpphh. Was one exception.

For example? Asked another, the Toff.

No, I won’t lower myself to talk of examples, as I’ve said, Brother, I ain’t a boaster.

I think we should talk of examples. Pressed the Toff.

Let’s not talk about examples, hey, mates? Said Lank with a sickly smile on his lips.

Well may you say that, Brother. Said the treasurer.

Shut up, nancy! Said Lank trying to change the subject.

Who are you telling to shut up?

Mr Treasurer, will you shut up.

Mr Chairman….

Shut up.

If we want to talk of examples, said the Toff, let’s talk about Dim Jim.

There is nothing wrong with Brother Winter. Said the chairman.

Not ruddy much.

Mrs Prester…. Warned the chairman.

Why don’t we ask him about his last brilliant crime? Asked the Toff.

There was nothing wrong with his scheme. Put in Crisp.

Brother Crisp…. Began the chairman.

Dim Jim worked out the whole plan himself and did all the heavy work.

Brother Crisp, Brother Winter can easily defend himself, he has all the brains that a clever crook needs so you don’t need to defend him. Brother Winter? All eyes turned to look at the giant who sat staring into space. Brother Winter?

Yeah, Dustbin?

What do you say, lad? The giant looked all about him at the watching faces.

Yes? Encouraged the chairman.

They ain’t really gonna disband the coppers, are they?

Look, said the Toff, he spent a week watching Isaac’s jewellery store, Sam Isaac went away for the weekend with his wife and Dim Jim decided he would break into the building by going through the roof, he spent a whole day and got through to the room above the shop. Luckily the old couple who rent it had also gone off for a weekend holiday. He slept, and on the second day began to break through the roof of the shop.

And he got into the shop. Said Crisp.

Yes, after many hours of back-breaking work he did finally burst into the shop.

And like the good criminal he is he grabbed some loot. Said Crisp.

Well, there you are. Beamed the chairman proudly.

Dim Jim had taken so long to get into the shop that by the time he burst through the roof Isaac’s had just come home so he grabbed the first thing he could. Continued the Toff.

In a jewellery shop it must have been worth something. Said the chairman.

Sam Isaac had gotten into the habit of finishing his working days with a cup of tea in his shop, the Toff went on in that same bored voice, the first and only thing Dim Jim grabbed was Isaac’s dirty cup and saucer.

A cup and saucer? Said the chairman.

A cup and saucer. Repeated the Toff.

They must have been worth something?

Tuppence.

Tuppence?

But old man Fingle took pity on Dim Jim and brought them off him for sixpence.

Fingle the fence paid sixpence?

Yes.

It was a good plan though, mused the chairman to himself, I say, Jim, it was a good plan just the same, wasn’t it?

They ain’t gonna disband…..?

Shut up. Snapped the chairman. It was a good plan. He said with his chin jutting out to the Toff.

He worked the whole two days and made sixpence?

That seems a fair earning to me. Replied the chairman.

In this crowd that’s a king’s ransom.

Mrs Prester….

I got something to say. Said Dim Jim suddenly coming to his feet. The whole room looked at him in silence and waited for him to continue.

Well, Jim, what is it? Demanded the chairman.

Duh…… Everyone waited patiently.

Yes, Jim? The giant scratched his head.

Duh….

You’ve already told us that. Said the chairman.

Duh….

Yes?

I forget….

And that’s the brains of this mob. Cackled the young woman.

Mrs Prester…. Warned the Chairman.

Duh…..

Yes, Jim, we know that, now sit down. Ordered an angry chairman glancing at the Toff. How dare you say we ain’t good crooks?

Sixpence, Mr Chairman? Asked a bored Toff.

Once we get going, lad, we can make the good stuff.

Johnno made five pounds. Said Lester Prester.

Yeah, said the chairman, Johnno made…. He stopped and glanced at Lester,

Johnno made five pounds?

Yeah.

There you are, he turned around to face the Toff, you see. He turned to Lank. You made five pounds, lad?

Well, yes, Dustbin, but I……

Ain’t good criminals, you said? The chairman demanded of the Toff.

Mr Chairman, said the treasurer, all this was in my report.

Well, get on with it, who’s stopping you.

Thank you, Mr Chairman. Now, as I was saying…..

We’ll show you, mate. Said the chairman to the Toff.

As I was saying…..

Five pounds, and that’s only the beginning, ain’t it, Johnno?

Dustbin, couldn’t we leave this report till next week? Asked a worried Lank sitting beside the Toff.

Now don’t go modest on me, lad. Warned the chairman.

Mr Chairman, may I go on with my report?

Stop being such an old woman and get on with it.

I am not old. Said a sullen treasurer.

If he starts to cry we’ll be here all night. Put in Crisp.

Brother Crisp. Said the chairman.

Yeah?

Shut up. Mr Treasurer?

Mr Chairman?

We’re waiting.

Now I’ve lost my place. The treasurer glanced down the page of the open book he held in his hand. Oh yes, here we are.

Good. Said the chairman as he sat back and folded his arms on his chest. He glanced at the Toff. Five pounds. He said proudly.

Betsy Cook will be twenty five years old tomorrow, and I think we should send her our greetings. Read the treasurer, Peter Graham is to be married to Josephine Richards next week….

Mr Treasurer….

……and I feel we should send one of our members to show our respect to….

Mr Treasurer….

Yes, Mr Chairman?

Just get on to the five pounds.

But the social events….

Forget the social events, just get on to the five pounds.

But I have two more pages of social events, Mr Chairman.

If you don’t get on to the five pounds, Mr Treasurer, you’ll have two broken arms.

Here, here. Agreed Crisp.

Very well then, have it your own way, said the treasurer with very poor grace as he flicked over the pages.

I move a motion we close these proceedings for tonight. Smiled a nervous Lank.

And I move a motion that you shut up. Said the chairman.

I had hoped to break it to you all gently, muttered the treasurer, but if this is the way you want it, so be it.

Mr Treasurer, warned the chairman, If you’re gonna whisper, we’re gonna have trouble hearin’ you.

Just gathering my thoughts, Mr Chairman. He cleared his throat.

Five pounds. Said the chairman to the Toff and they both looked at Lank who smiled weakly.

As we all know, said the treasurer, Mr Johnno Lank, Brother Lank, is the artistic one amongst us. He said it but he didn’t believe it, the chairman winked at Lank. Recently he managed to gain entry into a house belonging to a judge.

A judge. Smiled the chairman. Five pounds from a judge, Toff, did you hear that?

Not quite, Mr Chairman. Said the treasurer. Brother Lank managed to remove a painting from the wall and was carrying it through Hyde Park when a gentleman stopped him and told him he wanted to buy it.

A stranger, beamed the chairman, five pounds from a stranger, Toff, did you hear?

Not quite, Mr Chairman, continued the treasurer, you see, Mr Chairman, we do have five pounds in our account but we don’t have five pounds, in fact we have less than five pounds.

I used to wonder, said Crisp, where they got that expression ‘as clear as mud’ from, now I know.

Shut up. Said the chairman.

My old mum used to say if you’re in a club and the treasurer has money the members are out of pocket by that much.

Brother Prester, I can put your mind at rest over that matter. Said the treasurer.

Mr Treasurer.

Yes, Mr Chairman.

Perhaps you could put my mind at rest by telling me what you’re talking about. Did Johnno get five quid for his painting or didn’t he?

He did, Mr Chairman.

Good, that’s all I wanted to know. The chairman was rubbing his hands together gleefully.

He was given five pounds from a Mr Henry Patterson.

Henry Patterson, said the chairman happily as he looked at the Toff, five pounds from Henry Patterson, Toff, did you hear…..Henry Patterson? Mr Treasurer you said…..

Henry Patterson. Nodded the treasurer.

You don’t mean ‘Fake’ Patterson?

The very one, Mr Chairman.

’Fake’ Patterson hasn’t passed a genuine note in his life. Said Crisp.

’Fake’ Patterson, said a stunned chairman as he glanced over at Lank who had slipped off his chair to fall on his knees so that only the upper part of his head appeared over the table. You took five quid from Fake Patterson?

I didn’t know it was him, Dustbin.

You didn’t know it was…. The chairman stopped and shook his head in disbelief, when he was only a kid Fake was in a nasty accident, he lost his right leg and his neck was twisted out of shape so that his head is pushed over on his left shoulder, and you didn’t know it was Fake Patterson?

He was wearing a disguise, Dustbin.

He was…what sort of disguise?

He was wearing a phoney bushy beard.

’Fake’ Patterson has a real bushy beard.

Has he? Asked a startled Lank.

You’re a great disappointment to me, lad, said the chairman sadly, when I took you under my wing I thought I could teach you to be a master criminal like myself.

Hmmmpphh.

I’ve since heard, Mr Chairman, said the treasurer, that Mr Patterson sold his painting for one hundred pounds.

The chairman groaned and held his head in his hands.

You have to admit, Dustbin, I did steal a painting that was worth something?

The chairman looked at him with one eye from behind his fingers until Lank slid from view under the table.

So you should hide your face, said the chairman.

I have to tell you, Mr Chairman, that I have more bad news.

Of course you have, Mr Treasurer. Sighed the chairman as his eyes slid to look at the bored Toff who was absently stroking Amber.

Under the table a far from shamed Lank was busily sliding from man to man and untying the shoe laces of each to tie them together and then fighting back the urge to chuckle slid back to his seat, the jaundiced eye of the chairman slid from the Toff to Lank who lowered his head to show how ashamed he was.

During the last general election, Mr Chairman, we hired ourselves to Mr Fred Hogan to assist him in winning.

Like I said then, muttered Crisp, what were we doing getting mixed up in ruddy politics.

Yeah. Agreed Lank.

Dirty, said Crisp, a dirty business.

Yeah.

We were, Brothers, said the chairman, out to make some money for ourselves and at the same time help get our man in parliament.

Of which we did neither. Put in the treasurer.

I grant you that Fred didn’t win, the chairman said to the treasurer, but he does pay his debts, one thing I will say Fred Hogan is an honest man I’d stake my life on it.

It’s a stake you’d lose. Chuckled Crisp and most of the room, who knew Fred Hogan, joined in.

He did pay us what he owed, didn’t he? The chairman asked the treasurer.

Not a penny.

The crafty old…

As soon as he heard he’d lost he just disappeared.

What’s so bad about that? Asked Crisp.

Pardon?

You said you had bad news, I can’t see how a mug who was always borrowing money from you that you never saw again goes and disappears is bad.

The bad news is, Brother Crisp, that during that election one of our members put up the idea that we should hire a fellow called ‘Crusher’ Davis to wait at one of the voting booths and convince as many people as possible to vote for Mr Hogan.

What’s wrong with that, chuckled the chairman, he’s got a way of convincing people so that they stay convinced.

Even if they never walk again. Chuckled Crisp.

Yeah. Agreed the chairman still chuckling.

The point is, Mr Chairman, we said we’d pay Mr Davis five pounds for his services, I saw him today and he told me that we’ve got until tomorrow to give him his five pounds and if we don’t give him his five pounds he’s going to start….

Convincing? Said the chairman.

That’s not the word he used but it covers it.

What I want to know is what fool suggested we hire Crusher in the first place? Said the chairman angrily.

Yeah. Agreed Crisp.

It seems to me he’s the one that should face Crusher and just tell him we can’t pay him the five pounds.

Sort of sacrifice himself like. Said Crisp.

Yeah.

Mr Chairman….

It would be a quick painless death, said the chairman, Crusher would go for the throat, squash, and it would all be over.

Yeah. Agreed Crisp.

The good name of our club would be upheld.

And we’d always have a memorial service at each of our meetings to remember him. Suggested Crisp.

Yeah.

Mr Chairman, said the treasurer, you were the one who suggested we hire Mr Davis.

We’ve got to get that five pounds to pay Crusher. Said the chairman quickly.

How, Mr Chairman?

You’re the treasurer, ain’t you, think of something.

We’ve got five pounds and sixpence in the kitty, Mr Chairman.

And the five pounds is from Mr Patterson?

Yes, Mr Chairman.

Why don’t we give the five pounds to Crusher? Asked an innocent faced Lank.

Give a bent note to Crusher Davis? Demanded an alarmed chairman.

I saw a bloke try to give him a bad two bob piece once, said Crisp, ’orrible it was, what the Crusher did to ‘im.

Yes, Brother Crisp, said the chairman, we all know about Crusher Davis.

Took both his ‘ands and ……

Thank you, Brother Crisp.

’Orrible it was, you know they don’t call him Crusher for nothing.

Yes, yes…..

I saw him the other day, gets on marvellous he does, of course he can’t use his hands, but you don’t really need ‘em do you? I don’t think Crusher should have done that to his feet though. You know, he took his feet and…..

Thank you, Brother Crisp…..

What did he do to his feet? Asked the treasurer.

Mr Treasurer.

Yes, Mr Chairman?

Shut up.

He took this bloke’s feet, you see, and he….

Brother Crisp.

Yeah, Dustbin?

Shut up.

Couldn’t we give Crusher an I.O.U.? Asked Lank.

I saw a bloke try to give Crusher an I.O.U. once, began Crisp, Crusher took both his ‘ands and…..

Thank you, Brother Crisp, but I think we all know by now what Crusher Davis does to pass the time.

We’ve got to come up with a plan, said the treasurer, to get five pounds to pay Crusher Davis, and we’ve got to do it today.

Or go into hiding. Suggested the chairman.

I once saw a bloke who tried to hide from the Crusher, he tore the building down, you see, and found the bloke hiding in the arms of his wife, it was ‘orrible, he took both their ‘ands and…..

Thank you, Brother Crisp.

What did he do with their hands?

Thank you, Mr Treasurer. The chairman looked around the room from face to face, ‘surely one of ‘em could get an idea,’ he thought glumly, ‘or has the age of miracles really passed?’

Mr Chairman.

Yes, Mr Treasurer?

Why not have Mrs Prester tell Mr Davis that we haven’t got the five pounds but we’ll get it for him soon. I’m sure Mr Davis wouldn’t harm a woman.

Since when? Asked Crisp.

I’m sure Mr Davis would not harm a lady. Said the treasurer with an icy smile at Mrs Prester.

If that’s true, why don’t you tell him, dear? She suggested and the treasurer’s smile turned sour.

You old cow. He hissed.

Good, it’s settled then. Smiled the chairman, all those in favour of Mrs Prester telling Mr Davis we ain’t got his money but we’ll have it soon, say…..

Not likely, mate, said Mrs Prester, if you want to pass that news to Crusher Davis you’ll do it yourself, Joseph Binn.

Right, said the treasurer, all those in favour of our chairman telling Mr Davis we ain’t…

Mr Treasurer, shut up.

I’ve got an idea. Said Crisp.

Good, said the chairman, all those in favour of Brother Crisp telling Mr Davis we ain’t….

No, no, Crisp shook his head, I was gonna suggest Dim Jim tell Crusher.

Dim Jim? Mused the chairman and they all looked at the giant who sat staring into space barely moving a muscle except to yawn which he did frequently. It would mean certain death. Crusher would tear him limb from limb.

He’d crush him first. Suggested the treasurer.

Yeah, he would. Said the chairman.

And what he’d do to his hands. Said Crisp.

Yeah. Nodded the chairman in agreement. Now, lads, we all admire and respect Brother Winter….

Here, here. Agreed Crisp.

…he’s the backbone of this group; his brawn has kept us in the place we’ve held for many years, where even the coppers are scared of us.

You only formed this club a few months ago. Said Mrs Prester.

His courage and his daring, continued the chairman ignoring the remark, has been an inspiration to us all.

Here, here.

And by God, lads, I’m gonna miss him.

Here, here.

All those in favour of Brother Winter telling Mr Davis we ain’t got his money but we’ll have it soon say aye. There were a few glum ‘ayes’.

Right, unanimous. Well, Brother Winter, what do you think of that?

Duh…. He seemed to come out of a dream. Of what, Dustbin?

We’ve just taken a vote.

About what, Dustbin?

We’ve voted to give you a task, Brother Winter.

Duh, really? He wiped a tear from his eye. That’s real nice of you, lads…..

We want you….

….and I’ll do it for you, lads, I’ll do anything for youse….

….all you have to do is…

….’cause you’re me mates and there ain’t a better bunch of mates anywhere…

….you just have to…

…and I’d do anything for youse, except I hope you don’t ever ask me to talk to that swine Crusher Davis…

…we would never…

He ain’t ever forgiven me for trippin’ and spillin’ me beer on him…

That was years ago. Said the chairman.

…in Holland’s pub.

It was in Clancy’s pub. Said the Chairman.

…and Joel’s pub and Morgan’s pub…

I used to wonder why Crusher was always wearin’ wet clothes. Said Crisp.

…and Hennesey’s pub and Collin’s pub….

Well, Brother Crisp, said the chairman, any more bright ideas.

He told me if ever he so much as saw my ugly mug in the same street he’d take my hands and he’d….

Yes, yes, said the chairman, we’ve already gone through Crusher’s weaknesses.

Didn’t he tell you, Dustbin?

Didn’t he tell me what, Jim?

Duh….

I think you’ve already told us that.

He said that he was gonna leave it to you to make sure I never came within….within….

A glass of beer distance? Suggested a helpful Brother Crisp.

Yeah.

It’s obvious, lads, that we need another volunteer. Said the chairman with a straight face.

Dustbin, began Johnno Lank.

Mr Chairman. Said the chairman sternly.

Yeah, there’s a lady in Nelson Street…

No, Brother Lank. The chairman shook his head.

But she leaves money in the house.

I said no.

She won’t mind, Dustbin, honestly.

Johnno, we are not going to rob your mother again. Once a month is enough.

She never locks up, Dustbin.

No.

And she leaves cake out, too. Said Crisp.

"She