What If

By Jordan Pedersen

Life is all about choices. After nine-year-old Grace lost both of her parents love, and in different ways, she avoided relationships for years. When she finally opened up a little she found herself shut out from the family she needed and the one person she felt truly connected with. Confused and too insecure to fight for what she wanted she went on searching for something or someone to fill the voids. Many mistakes and a lifetime later a chance to correct all of it may still be there. To no longer wonder “what if”.
Growing up with an alcoholic father Brett was always trying to be “good enough”. To be exactly what his father was not. Thanks to his long suffering mother he is led to an unexpected chance to possibly change everything; to find out that he was always good enough. A great summer read!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jordan Pedersen
• Release date: Jun 7, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310850165

Jordan Pedersen

I'd like to thank everyone who has downloaded any part of my work. Sharing a story is the greatest pleasure and why I write. What can I tell you about Jordan Pedersen, I am an author who writes heartfelt stories about relatable characters. My imaginative and creative side does not get much use in my factory job but it pays the bills for now. I live in rural Iowa with my sweet dog Milo and have raised two children who are married and beginning families of their own. With one grandson and one granddaughter I'm am happy seeing my wonderful family grow. I couldn't be more proud of my children and hope they are proud of me for my work in written word and the example I try to set to be the best you can be at whatever you find yourself doing. I write books in the hope that you the reader will enjoy reading them and receive the same entertainment and pleasure as I do writing them. My next novel is in the works and I expect it all to come together later this year. Contact me anytime at [e-mail]. would love to hear what you think.

Book preview

What If

By Jordan Pedersen

Copyright 2014 Jordan Pedersen

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 1

Grace’s dad Carl had been sick for as long as she could remember. In the summer of 1970 Grace was nine years old. The weather that year had been unbelievably hot and humid, as many summers in Iowa are. It was the type of heat that made your cloths feel damp and stick to your skin the minute you left the comfort of the air conditioning.

Grace's entire family had gone on another trip to Iowa City. Grace's dad was once again being treated at the University of Iowa hospital. His kidneys had failed years ago and the doctors were battling yet another transplanted organ that seemed to be no longer viable. Grace's dad had been through two previous transplants and had had two previous failures.

The long days would be spent in the hospital cafeteria snacking on vending machine food or playing on the elevators with her brother Chad. Chad was three years older and thought he was too cool too hang with her any other time, but at the hospital he was totally okay with it. Well as long as he felt certain no one he knew would see him. Grace loved those times, but even at her young age she knew they were numbered. Like almost all siblings, soon they would both be too embarrassed to hang out together, no matter where they were.

Usually she went along with her family, but not this time. And even though she was being allowed to stay home Grace didn't think of this trip as being any different than all the others. In a few days her dad would be back home, and back on dialysis waiting for the next organ to become available. Life would return to normal, or at least the only version of normal Grace had ever known. Carl, her dad would go back to working Monday through Friday and on the weekends he would golf on the small nine-hole course nearby. Grace was always his personal caddy carrying the heavy bag of clubs from green to green. She loved this time alone with her father and was paid the handsome sum of two dollars for her efforts. But to Grace the best part was when they reached the seventh hole. It was located on the top of a small hill. Just behind the green and tucked away in a small grove of evergreens was a soda machine. It was rare in Grace’s family to ever be allowed to drink soda pop. This being saved as a special treat on New Years Eve each year and that was it. But unknown to her siblings or even her mother on those Saturday outings her dad would allow Grace to put the change in that vending machine and choose which flavor of ice cold pop they were to share. They would walk to the bench marking the start of the eighth hole and sit there in the shade sharing that icy cold drink. Grace’s dad allowed other golfers to play through so they could sip slowly and enjoy it together for as long as they needed.

As strange as it was, for this trip to the hospital Grace's mom had allowed her to stay home while everyone else still had to go. She had also been given permission for her best friend Mindy to spend the night with her alone at their house. She couldn't believe what was happening but wasn't about to question her good fortune. This gift of independence wasn’t something her mother was known for. Mindy lived right across the street so her parents would be keeping a watchful eye on them. They had become the next best thing to her real parents over the years. She and her siblings went to them for advice or help whenever her mom and dad were gone to the hospital for a few days.

Grace had one brother and one sister that were six and seven years older than her and they both believed that they were in charge on those occasions. She also had her brother Chad, who they bossed around equally as much as they did Grace. But Grace always knew Mindy’s parents were the ones who were really in charge and had no problem bringing them into matters when her older siblings got carried away with the power they believed they had.

That evening Grace and Mindy ate the pizza Mindy’s mom had made for them while watching TV in Grace’s parents’ big bed. It was Friday night and their favorite line up had kept them entertained. First the Brady Bunch, then Nanny and the Professor and The Partridge Family. And of course Grace’s favorites That Girl and Love American Style which her mom was always hesitant to let her watch. They relaxed and enjoyed their freedom and the feeling of the cool air-conditioning, never even thinking to go outside to find mischief.

After the news came on they turned the television off and just talked of plans for the summer. Grace came up with the idea to learn Mindy’s dad’s whistle. It was the most amazing whistle ever and they had seen Mindy’s dad do it so often, Grace was sure she could learn it. Mindy agreed it was a brilliant idea. Mindy’s dad used that whistle to bring Mindy home from where ever she was in the neighborhood. He merely stood on the front porch of their house, put two fingers in his mouth and blew. The loudest whistle you ever heard came out of that blow and Mindy would come running home immediately. Grace told Mindy that she would learn that whistle and she could then blow two short whistles so Mindy would know it was her. That way Mindy would always know when Grace could play.

Mindy agreed it was a great idea and added, That way I'll always be there when you need me because I'm your best friend forever, right?

Grace smiled and agreed, Right, best friends forever.

They stayed up most of the night until at last Grace blew and a small whistle sound came out. They both laughed and rolled around on the big bed until tears poured from their eyes from laughing so hard. Now the more Grace tried, the louder it became. Finally satisfied that the whistle had been concurred exhausted they fell asleep just as the sun was beginning to come up.

Though it seemed they had only been asleep for mere seconds, there was Mindy’s mom waking them up and telling her daughter to please head home now. Grace was instantly aware that something was terribly wrong. Mindy’s mom looked different, almost frightening from the stress on her face.

In later years all Grace could remember her saying was, I'm sorry Grace. Your dad passed away last night.

Her memory also told her that she then turned and left Grace there alone on her parent’s bed for hours crying. Her grown up mind still couldn't let her believe that this memory was right. Surely no one could be so cold as to tell a nine-year-old girl that she had just lost her father and then leave.

Grace's next memory of that time was of hiding in her backyard. Memories are like that for the very young and very old too sometimes, scattered and broken with large gaps in time. She could remember so many people coming to the house. So many she had never even seen before and yet they all wanted to hug her or tell her how sorry they were. That they understood how she was feeling. Worse yet, that everything was going to be all right.

How could they possibly know how she felt? Or how much more horrible they made her feel. How much she loathed their touch. Why did strangers think they could make it all better? All she really needed was her mother. But her mother hadn't even spoken to her recently and now spent every day in the bedroom she had shared with her husband. Grace could hear mournful wailing coming through the door almost non-stop.

It sounded to Grace like her mom was dying too, and that scared her like nothing had before. Her siblings seemed to know how to handle things better than her. Her older brother Jake was always gone to some activity or another only popping in for a change of cloths or a quick sandwich. Her sister Sarah seemed to not even notice that things had changed at all. She was on the phone with friends from school just like always laughing and making plans, ignoring everything happening around her. Chad kept himself busy playing host to all the friends and family that came by. He somehow knew instinctively how to make people feel welcome and appreciated.

The only place Grace could stand to be was in the backyard hidden among the bushes that separated the rows of middle-class houses. She'd just sit there all day hoping that no one would seek her out, and at the same time wishing that someone would. One afternoon as she was sitting there all alone she thought of the whistle she had learned just a few nights ago. She wondered if it would work for her now. Grace had learned the whistle so her best friend would come when she needed her, and she desperately needed her now. Mindy, like all the neighborhood kids, had been steering clear of the Weiland house since Carl's death. In a way Grace understood. All of the sadness was like a heavy weight on anyone who entered her home. She knew she would probably do the same if she were in their shoes. It was the reason she hid in the bushes for hours at a time. But she also knew she needed her best friend.

Grace carefully put her index and middle finger together and then placed them on the tip of her tongue. She blew and blew. Nothing but the sound of hissing air came out. On the night of her dad’s death she had practiced until she was able to make the sound with any two fingers. Grace tried again placing her index finger and thumb together. Again she put them on her tongue and pushed back slightly. She carefully blew down over her lips and out came that huge sound. Grace blew two more times, loud and long and then waited for her friend to arrive and make things at least a little better.

Grace realized she had been holding her breath for several seconds in anticipation of her friends’ arrival. She slowly let the air out feeling that if she let it out too loudly she might miss the sound of Mindy’s footsteps coming toward her and not be found.  She stuck her head out of the foliage looking from side to side. Standing there to her left was Mindy’s little sister Katie.

Katie tilted her head to the side and asked the obvious question, What are you doing in there?

Grace could see by the expression in her eyes that she thought she had stumbled onto a great game of some sort. Katie was only five years old and was always trying to hang out with the big girls. Grace and Mindy would always find a way to ditch her, even if they had to beg Mindy’s mom to keep her busy and away from them. They had important things to talk about that they reasoned a five year old couldn't begin to understand. So if all else failed Mindy’s mom came through for them.

That day in the back yard though, Grace was almost glad to see her. Knowing she wouldn't have to try to express how she was feeling or be hugged and repeatedly told that it was God’s will would be a blessing. But then Katie began dancing around in a small circle and she was chanting something. Could Grace's ears be hearing right?

Yes, Katie was cheerfully chanting, Carlo died, Carlo died, in her childish voice. Katie had never learned to say Carl correctly and always called Grace’s dad Carlo.

Grace remembered taking a swing at the little girl, thankfully missing by a mile. Then she had screamed, Go away Katie! I hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you!

Katie instantly ran away crying hard and Grace was left there alone again. She felt her whole world had gone crazy. In her heart she wished she could just go back to the life she had known. She had never experienced death in such a personal way. Sure, she was old enough to have known people who had passed on. But no one she really knew. Just people she had met because her parents knew them or very old, very distant relatives. It was hitting her what death really meant. It meant that everyone's lives would be turned upside down with sorrow. It meant the one you loved was never coming back to fix things.

Time passed and the funeral took place. Everyone commented on how nice it was which confused her even more. Grace couldn't find anything nice about it. People she’d never met surrounding them hugging and crying. Her mother was barely functioning, being helped around the room nodding at people and thanking them in a strange hollow voice. Grace hadn't been aware at the time, but her mother had been given a strong sedative to help her get through the day. All she did know was she didn't have her mom to lean on because she was a walking zombie and that her mom barely even seemed to recognize her or her brothers and sister. Worse the relatives that were there seemed to believe the only thing that would help the children was for them to be pushed toward the casket to have a final goodbye with their father, whether they wanted it or not.

Grace had watched in horror as her big brother was literally shoved to the front of the room by her mother's brothers Uncle Henry and Uncle Ray even as he protested and tried to escape, tears streaking his checks. They kept telling him it was for his own good and that he needed to say goodbye. Grace knew she had to get out and get out now. She ran from the funeral home covering a several blocks, only stopping because she had no breath left. She stood bent over with her small hands braced on her knees until she caught her breath. After a few more minutes alone she realized she had no where to go and returned to sit on the back steps of the funeral home. While waiting for this horrible thing to end Grace just wanted to go home and be left alone with her happy memories of her dad. Of course this wasn't to be.

For the next several weeks, people came to visit everyday. They spoke of their own sorrow and of course they brought food, lots of food. Some of it was good, some not so good. The food in itself was a blessing since it was quite some time before her mother would come out of her room and function in a way that