Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told

By Emmy Boy

Allow me to tickle you Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told which is a warm collection of some really funny and weird short stories adapted from the Bible quite alright but told in such an unbelievable and hilarious manner that will certainly leave you chuckling, giggling, smiling, amused and completely entranced as you keep the turning over the pages from the beginning till the end...

Be warned...It's funny! It's shady.One other thing, you will immediately see for yourself why you were never told!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Emmy Boy
• Release date: Jan 18, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301146024

Emmy Boy

Emmy Boy is your ordinary everyday very funny and fun loving guy who enjoys telling all sorts of stories from thrillers to dramas to comedy to futuristic to weirdos and of course to erotic...wow!

Book preview

Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told

By

Emmy Boy

Smashwords Edition

Copyright© 2013 Emmy Boy

All Rights Reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Cover Photograph courtesy of justingun/freedigitalphotos.net

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Also by Emmy Boy and Available on Smashwords

Ify(A Romantic Thriller) : A young man, who hardly believes in love, enters a bus, meets a pretty young lady, and has some thrilling, wonderful, exciting, and shocking experience that completely alters his whole life.

Who Will Bail Us Out? A Nigerian play about a Nigerian banker who was caught up in the ugly drama of repaying the loan he guaranteed for a customer to his bank when the customer suddenly disappeared into thin air.

Getting Him To Stay: Understand him. Know what he wants from you. Make him to commit to you.

DEDICATION

For my one and only pixie, Obinna

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Okay, just before we take off, I think I have some very important things I must let you know.

First, I think it is now time to tell you to stop wondering why on earth you were never told these Bible stories.

And that’s simply because these funny shady biblical stories you are about to read are strictly nothing but just pure yarns conjured up straight from the figments of my (often weird) imagination, got it…?

Fine.

Secondly, believe it or not, I had so much fun while whipping it up and then writing them down—for you, of course.

And…

I so much wish and strongly believe you will surely enjoy the ride as long as you don’t forget your sense of humor plus your power of imagination at home!

So…?

So I say let’s roll. Let the fun begin!

Yours sincerely in humor,

Emmy Boy

Contents

Uriah, Joab And David – The Case Of The Good, The Bad And The Ugly!

Why Adam Ate The Fruit – Even After Being Warned Not To Do So

How King Solomon Became The Wisest Man Ever

Who Do People Say I Am? - The Judas Response

Why The Prodigal Son Went Back To His Father

Random Musing: Why John The Baptist ‘Lost His Head’

Joseph And Potiphar’s Wife

Simon Peter Walks On Water

Why Many Were Called But Only One Was Chosen – To Be Punished

What Really Happened To The Three Wise Men?

Abraham’s Narrow Escape

The Wedding At Cana

Random Musing: Why Simon Peter Denied Christ – Even After Being Forewarned

Ananias And Saphira

Why Job Refused To Curse God

The ‘Good’ Samaritan

Samson And Delilah

Why Judas Committed Suicide

Laban: The Vindictive Trickster

What The Ungrateful Servant Really Said To His Master In Parable Of The Talents (The Uncensored Version)

Paraphrasing John

Other Titles by Emmy Boy and Available on Smashwords

About The Author

Uriah, Joab And David – The Case Of The Good, The Bad And The Ugly!

You do remember those three, don’t you? David happened to be the king of Israel. Joab was his defense minister and a no-nonsense high ranking military officer in the Israeli Army while Uriah was just a simple-minded army officer wholly dedicated to the service and defense of Israel.

So where is the connection?

There wouldn’t have been any and this story wouldn’t have been told had it been that this Uriah didn’t marry a very pretty woman named Bathsheba. You should have seen him on their wedding day, the way he danced and pranced about like a Nigerian man who had just won the US DV-lottery.

That marriage was to later become his greatest undoing but you wouldn’t blame him because if only people could see tomorrow, maybe he wouldn’t have joined the Israeli Army or better still, he would have simply dumped the woman like hot potato a long time ago. Besides, she was very beautiful and it will only take an insane man to think of dumping her and Uriah was not insane.

This same beauty was what got into the king’s head immediately he spotted her tantalizing naked body while she was taking her bath on that fateful afternoon when the rest of the Israeli military was busy fighting tooth and nail with all they have got to defend their territory and protect the king.

Please, a small digression here…

Have you ever wondered, like I have been pondering on the following issues? I mean, wasn’t this woman Bathsheba supposed to be bathing inside a bathroom? Or was she purposely doing it in the open on that afternoon with the hope or knowledge that someone, like the king, might be watching? Come to think of it, does it mean that her house is even that close to the king’s palace?

Hmm…okay.

Now, let’s look at it more closely and critically, what was the king even doing right there when he should have been inside the tabernacle praying for the safety of his men who were out there fighting with all their might just to protect his kingdom?

Or maybe, from the way I’m looking at it, it’s most likely the king was an incurable voyeur and it wouldn’t be so much out of place to say that he might have been doing something like that for so many years, and he must have carried out his voyeuristic acts on so many unsuspecting women in the past!

And if that’s the case…oh my Gosh!

Anyway that’s the King’s business, not mine. Now back to our story.

So as I was saying, on that fateful afternoon, he was tempted beyond his control by what he allowed his eyes to see and so he let down his guard and allowed the spirit of lust to completely take over him and he immediately sent for her. He was the king so it was not hard for her to succumb to his summon assuming that was not what she even wanted in the first place. Can you imagine…bathing outside…with a body like that…I mean, what was she thinking…damn!

Well, you know you can never know with these women — yes, even in those days!

Well, to cut the long story short, she came and something I believe you already know will certainly happen happened and next thing you know, she became pregnant. You don’t need to blame anyone for that because in those days, birth control measures were not yet so advanced and besides, King David just happens to be an excellent sharpshooter — of live ammo, if you know what I mean!

So the king panicked. Something needed to be done but trust the king and his great wisdom and ability in scheming. He knew he must pass the buck of the resulting pregnancy onto someone else and who else is better positioned to be the fall guy other than the woman’s unfortunate husband?

Remember, you don’t become a good politician or leader for nothing. You must be very good in deception. You must be able to think on your feet. You must be well adept in finding solutions to any of your numerous gaffes and in playing the blame game and the faster you can do that, the more powerful you become as long as you are able to make so many people continue to see you as a saint who can never hurt a fly with any of your gambits.

Oh, now I get it! You thought it all started with today’s politicians like Barack Obama huh? Nah! You seriously need to wake up!

Anyway, the king sent for Uriah to come back home immediately. The king believed he had nothing to fear. If everything goes according to plan, no one will ever know! He was also glad that there was nothing like DNA paternity testing to spoil the show for him!

But the king forgot something very important. He forgot not to underestimate Uriah.

Now let me tell you something shockingly surprising about this guy, Uriah. Although this soldier looked asinine with his very big head and dull sleepy eyes, his mind was as sharp as a needle. One long studied look at his wife and he knew something was amiss – in fact, everything about her countenance and demeanor suggested something very fishy was at play.

Although he didn’t ask her why but he quickly took in the way she was acting funny and avoiding his eyes as if she was guilty of something and the way she was almost going out of her way to act the good wife. He even noticed that she was looking a lot prettier, well nourished and more refreshed than she was before he left for the war.

So later in the evening when the king subtly and slyly suggested with a supplicating voice that he should go home and be with his wife that same night almost in a very placating manner during their conversation where he was expecting the king to tell him the real reason why he was being summoned, he immediately suspected a foul play and who the suspect was.

Can you imagine! The king asking someone to take a break – and that type of break for that type of business, as a matter of fact!

And so for the first time in his life, he refused to do the king bidding!

He slept with the king’s servants and courtiers that night after telling them some long soulful and heavily exaggerated war stories of what the battlefield really looked like even though he had never been at the warfront. Little did they know that he was staging them with such stories just to gain a solid alibi on the events that will surely happen in the coming months ahead when it starts to rain!

I told you this guy is nobody’s fool at all, didn’t I?

So when the king discovered that the guy did not sleep in his own house even after the second day following his return, he panicked. Something told him that his game could be up unless he acted fast. Besides, Uriah was scheduled to return to active duty in a few days’ time!

But first he had to know what and how much Uriah knew already so he sent for him.

"It’s now three days, I mean three good days, since you came back and I can’t understand why you don’t want to sleep in your own house again. Is anything the matter? C’mon, don’t tell me you don’t want to sleep and have some little fun with your wife again, huh?!"

Can you imagine?

What insolence! Since when did it become the king’s business to tell his subjects when to have a little fun with their wives? What a detestable king with such a reproachful character, Uriah concluded.

But Uriah managed to keep his face expressionless. He did not reply the king with the seething rage that was threatening to tear him apart from the inside.

You do understand his situation, don’t you? He was so angry because this stupid guy seating before him and wearing that unworthy crown must have seen his wife’s nakedness, but the only problem now is that he’s still the king—he still has full immunity from all forms of prosecution—and any form of physical abuse too, or else he would have started on him…

Uriah also felt a deep angst from the disturbing mental pictures of this goat of a king and his precious wife coupled together and the possibility that she might have even enjoyed it better with this stupid king than with him, her husband, but he managed to keep his voice under control as he answered the king and said unto him, "Accept my gratitude for taking interest in my affairs but the truth is that the rest of Israeli army is out there fighting under the hot sun for the king and our land and as a very principled and conscientious man who knows what responsibility really means and understands his boundaries, I don’t think the wisest and most conscientious thing for me to do is to come back home and just go straight to have pleasure with my wife while our men are still burning out there at the battleground!"

The king knew this meant trouble. The king was able to detect a note of suppressed rage within Uriah which means that the guy certainly knew something must have happened so it wasn’t hard to see the impending danger – from the unmistakable clear handwriting on the wall that this guy was already seriously spoiling for war!

Everything suggests that the guy knew something was amiss at least from his choice