Bullyproof Your Child

By Sue Berne

'Bullyproof Your Child' provides practical help on how to keep children safe from bullies, including cyberbullies. Sadly. too many parents know the devastating effects bullying can have. Learn how to teach the skills they need to become bullyproof. These include having a healthy self-esteem, being assertive and knowing how to make friends. Find out how to work together with the school to stop the bullying. Or what options you have if the school won't cooperate. This is a comprehensive guide for parents. Sue has been working with parents, children and schools for fifteen years.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sue Berne
• Release date: Feb 26, 2014
• ISBN: 9780975755457

Sue Berne

Sue Berne is an authority on bullying in schools and on teaching children the skills to help them become bullyproof. She has degrees in education and counselling and is an experienced mediator. For the past fifteen years she has been working with parents, children and teachers in schools and in private practice. Her Masters thesis demonstrated the effectiveness of teaching social skills to children who are victims of bullying. She is the author of 'Starting School: How to help your child be prepared' and 'Bullyproof Your Child'. Her game, 'Beat the Bully', helps players learn strategies for dealing with bullying and the life skills to help them become resilient and protect them from being victims. Her products for schools include anti-bulling programs, resilence progams and a peer mediation program. Sue is a mother of four and is passionate about helping children reach their full emotional potential.

Book preview

PART ONE

WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BULLYING

WHAT IS BULLYING?

How do we define bullying? According to Professor Ken Rigby, from the University of South Australia, it is the repeated oppression, psychological or physical, of a less powerful person by a more powerful person or group of persons. The bullying may be physical, verbal, psychological or cyberbullying.

Most of us recognise bullying when we see another person deliberately trip someone, or a gang push someone around or take someone’s school bag and kick it around the playground. But bullying comes in many other, and sometimes more damaging, forms. There is verbal bullying which includes name calling, making insulting remarks, repeated teasing, racist comments, threatening or making sexist remarks. There is also psychological bullying such as excluding someone from the group or spreading nasty rumours. One of the biggest problems today is cyberbullying – using social media to hurt others. Australia is ranked number one for cyberbullying out of 24 countries.

Bullying contains seven elements, according to Professor Rigby-:

1. a desire to hurt

2. acting on this desire

3. the action is hurtful

4. an imbalance of power

5. there is no justification for the action

6. it is persistent

7. the bully derives pleasure from hurting the victim.

Unless all these elements are present, it is not bullying. For example, an argument,or punch up, between two people of the same strength is not bullying. And it would need to happen more than just once. An occasional argument or fight is a fairly normal, everyday occurrence for most of us and, although not pleasant, it cannot be looked upon as bullying.

Bullies set out to deliberately hurt others and they gain pleasure from doing so. It gives them a sense of power – often because in other areas of their lives they have very little control. And, once they have identified their victims, it takes very little to keep the momentum going. Bullying is based on threat and fear. The victim reacts to a look or a gesture (such as the clenching of a fist). The bully need do nothing more to keep the victim in constant fear of what is to come.

Secrecy

But there is another element that fuels bullying behaviour and has allowed it to become entrenched in our society. I’m talking about secrecy. Margaret Atwood, in her book Cat’s Eye, writes. They don’t say any of the things they say to me in front of others, even other children; whatever is going on is going on is in secret. I know that to violate it would be the greatest, the irreparable sin. If I tell I will be cast out forever.

I can’t stress strongly enough that we must encourage victims to speak out – to tell – and make it safe for them to do so. In our Australian society from the time we begin to speak, we learn that it’s not okay to dob. Dobbing means telling what someone else has done, with the intention of causing trouble for that person. But when we dob, we are made to feel like a traitor and often end up in trouble ourselves. If others make us feel unloved, inadequate and small when we dob, then we learn that this is unacceptable behaviour. But Anne Fine, in her children’s book, The Angel of Nitshill Road, writes: Granny says the rule not to tell tales was invented by bullies – and the people who don’t really want to stand up to them.

So let’s teach our children to know the difference between actions about which they need to speak up and those which they should keep to themselves. When someone is hurting us and we don’t feel safe, or our life is being made miserable, then it’s time to tell someone what is going on.

Any action we take to reduce bullying must deal with the issue of secrecy. for this is what keeps the bully powerful and the victim powerless Our goal must be to empower the victim and disempower the bully.

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that is carried out through technology – the internet or mobile phone.

This can include:

Using mobile phones by texting or by using the camera

Using the computer to send threatening emails or forwarding nasty emails

Setting up malicious websites

Slagging or exclusion in chatrooms

Recent research shows that 14% of children in Australia suffer from cyberbullying.

Cyberbullying is so damaging because:

It can take place 24/7 – there is no escape from it

The written word and/or pictures are permanent and there for all to see

It can reach a wider audience

It is less easily detected – more secretive

It can be anonymous

Summary

Bullying is endemic in our society

Bullying can be

– physical

– verbal

– psychological

– cyberbullying

Bullying thrives on secrecy

Victims must be encouraged to tell

Cyberbullying affects many of our children and is very damaging.

THE RESEARCH

I often speak to large groups of adults and they almost all remember a time when they were bullied. This may have occurred thirty, forty (or even more years) previously, but they still remember the details.

Research tells us that one in six children is bullied on a regular basis – i.e. at least once a week – and one in twenty children is a bully. This seems that four children out of every twenty are either victim or bully.

Dan Olweus, a Professor of Psychology from the University of Bergen in Norway, started conducting research in the 70’s. He is considered to be the Founding Father of research in the area of bullying. Because of this research, in the early 80’s an anti-bullying program was conducted across Norway and the results showed a 50% reduction in the incidences of bullying. It also showed an improvement in the social climate of schools and a reduction in anti-social behaviour, such as truancy, vandalism and theft.

Similar results were achieved in the 80’s and early 90’s in England through what is known as the Sheffield Anti – Bullying Project conducted in London to find methods which were effective in reducing bullying in schools.

Much of our Australian research has been conducted in South Australia by Professor Ken Rigby and Professor Phillip Slee. Their findings have been similar to those overseas. The incidences of bullying within our schools, is high – much more than most schools or teachers are prepared to acknowledge. I am often told by principals and teachers that there is no bullying in their schools or that the little they do have is nothing to worry about. But we know that there is bullying in all schools, no matter where you live. And, as parents, we need to know if our child is one of these statistics.

Unless we are observant and really look for the signs of bullying, we may never know that our children are involved. Only one child in three who is a victim will tell anyone what is happening and the bully is unlikely to speak up. This is because the bully relies on secrecy and the victim is afraid that if she tells things will get worse and she will be made to suffer even more. Or she fears that she will be thought to be weak and unable to take care of herself. Perhaps she has already told a parent, or teacher, and it has been brushed aside, so it seems useless to continue to tell. There can be any number of reasons for the victim to keep it to herself.

There are other things that the research tells us about bullying. It takes place most often in the school playground, but also on the way to and from school. And, of course, it happens in the classroom. Sometimes it is the teacher who is the bully!

Cyberbullying can take place 24/7, which is why it can be so damaging. It can reach a wide audience, is permanent and can be anonymous.

Finally, bullying happens more in the lower grades. The frequency of bullying is less in our Secondary schools, but at this level it can be much more damaging.

Summary

One in six children is a victim and one in twenty is a bully.

Overseas programs conducted in schools showed a 50% reduction in bullying.

Only one in three children will tell anyone that they are being bullied.

Bullying is a much bigger problem than most of us are prepared to admit.

CYCLES AND HOW TO BREAK THEM

How does a bully become a bully? Or how does a victim become a victim? Are they personality traits we are born with or does our environment mould us into one or the other?

There has been much research into whether we behave the way we do because of our innate personalities or the way in which we have been brought up. There are convincing arguments for both sides. But let’s look at the research that has been done on bullying.

The characteristic victim

Children who become victims seem to exhibit the same characteristics. They are often quiet, sensitive children who are anxious about their lives. Will they be seated next to someone in class that they don’t like? Do they look stupid with their new haircut? Will someone choose them as a partner for the next class activity? Their self-esteem is low and the message they send