The Zombie Hunter's Bible

By Raymund Hensley

A horror comedy novella. (Editor's Note: Information contained within these pages is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not murder people because they have been bitten by "zombies".)

Includes a preview from Raymund Hensley's "How I Met Barbara The Zombie Hunter".

• Language: English
• Publisher: Raymund Hensley
• Release date: Apr 10, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458121530

Raymund Hensley

Raymund Hensley is the author of Filipino Vampire.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Preparation

The Professional Hunter of THE UNDEAD

Ethics

Without morals, the zombie hunter is no greater than a member of the undead. The hunter must be a saint in spirit: Courteous, grateful, loving. Those with unclean hearts must not hunt the living dead. They do so with ulterior motives, tainted with wickedness, resulting in (as history has shown) human casualties, a ruined hunt, and an emotionally scarred sidekick. Being on a hunt for a prolonged period of time will result in hostile behavior between Hunter & Sidekick due to the eventual lack of sustenance, confines in foreign surroundings, and work stress.

Respect your sidekick. DO NOT let them be murdered by a zombie. You are responsible for their education and their safety. If you find him/her in dire struggle with a member of the living dead, save them regardless of emotional ties. You are both on the field to do a job. When it is completed, only then are you both allowed to go your separate ways and express the intense feelings you feel toward each other.

Most important of all – an ethical teaching rather difficult for many to learn: See yourself as an equal to the zombie.

You and the zombie are brothers of war. When you fight, do so with courage and honor. The ego must be left behind before going into combat with a zombie. Being too proud – underestimating your opponent or not consulting your sidekick – can lead to misjudgment…and death. When destroying the undead, one frees them. For every zombie killed via head-annihilation, an angel gets his wings.

In the end, forgive the zombie, for they know not what they do.

They are babies.

Evil babies.

A History of Hunting

Information relating to the first zombie hunters dates back to caveman days. Filipino archaeologists in 1979 discovered two cave paintings, depicting surprised men and women mingling (or brawling) with strange humanoid creatures, later determined by the archaeologists, unanimously, to be zombies. One painting shows a caveman, holding back a prehistoric zombie with a sharp stick. In another, a cavewoman throws a big rock over the living dead, breaking its head. The cavewoman stares at the brain. She does not know what to do.

It was the Filipinos who made a startling revelation, writing an immediate article to the scientific journal The Filipina Scientist:

You will find, in these crude cave paintings, utmost proof that not only did zombies exist in caveman times, but our own ancestors knowingly ate brain, and unknowingly ate putrid, zombie brain matter, tainting the bloodlines of all races for ever and ever. Amen.

—Dario Fumoria, Lead Archeologist

The article was immediately sent back to the archeologists in a stained envelope with the word NO written on it in large letters. The article – although surprisingly short at forty-four words – failed to mention that the zombie’s brain matter only takes effect, if indeed eaten, after the consumer’s death. Not having their article published did nothing but put them in a mild depression and later force them to continue their research – which included analyzing the cave paintings and doing routine stain tests on the walls of various caves.

Mr. Fumoria named the brave man and woman in the paintings Cake and Rainbow, after his own children. He vowed to keep searching for more paintings involving Cake and Rainbow, traveling the world in the name of archeology – from France to Germany, to Afghanistan to North Dakota. Eventually, he found himself in India, where he died painfully from a mysterious Foot & Mouth disease. In September 19th of 2oo2, eyewitnesses reported that government officials raided his home in North Dakota and hauled large paintings, covered by blankets, into a black van. These officials burned his house down while drinking wine.

The paintings discovered by Mr. Fumoria were never seen again. In a recent interview on The View, his associates now claim that he drugged them and did sexy things to them and put them under hypnosis, making them believe they were cave paintings of zombies. Cake and Rainbow were never seen in any other paintings or comic books.

Hunters appeared during the following decades in texts and illustrations from all over the globe. We give thanks and praise to these brave women and men who have put their lives on the line to save humanity from the living dead.

Many of them have been wrongfully accused of being in cahoots with the undead, blamed on many occasions for conjuring zombies for the sole purpose of charging villages ridiculous fees to vanquish them. Zombie hunters were (and still are) feared for their peculiar occupation. Throughout history, we have learned that people dread what they don’t understand.

They question a hunter’s motivations, methods, and mental status. It wasn’t (and still isn’t) surprising to find hunters burned or hung for insanity by the church. More often than not, this was done out of haste, resulting in the loss of many innocent lives and animal suicides.

Today we find them in mental institutions and high security prisons, where they are ridiculed and humiliated and raped to no end. It is advised that hunters perform their noble deeds in secrecy for fear of prosecution.

Types

Zombie hunters come in all shapes and sizes and colors. They all have different styles and strategies – all of which, if studied with a critical eye, can prove quite beneficial on or off the field. The following is a critique of the four most popular Hunter personalities.

They are not recommended.

The Shy Hunter

Hunters of a quiet nature are the most patient. His determination is much admired by all. He will wait in the bushes, holding his weapon close to heart…waiting, surveying the terrain for any sort of movement.

Unfortunately, this hunter is timid.

If terror happens to creep up behind him, the shy hunter has been observed to leap up in fright and shriek in a female tone and run away with amazing speed. If ever abandoned in such a manner, the sidekick is not allowed to leave the area. She or he must convince him or herself that this is a learning experience and complete the hunt thoroughly.

The Mad Hunter

Many who attempt to hunt the dead have taken an angry persona. The belief is that if one is overwhelmed with hate towards the undead, one will be inspired to stand his ground and finish the hunt. It is a forceful way of thinking. Many a hunter have found this style useful, more often than not reporting sudden feats of strength while under pressure during an attack. In one case, a hunter was seen lifting up the front of a car to free his sidekick, who was pinned underneath, and crying.

However, these individuals are prone to suicidal tendencies. A 1969 Hawaiian survey concluded that 9 out of 10 Angry Hunters admitted to cutting their forearms with facial and leg razors for attention. It is a cry for help. They sit, yoga-style and light candles while listening to miserable music. The marks they dig into their skin are always shallow in depth and disturbing in shape. Many make happy faces and carve words such as Hello and Cube.

However, the smart ones disfigure their thighs so no one can see. Beware the wise cutter. This branch of saddened, Angry Hunter wallows in self-pity and cares not for attention.

They must be feared because they cut their arms daily while in a weeping phase. They can also be identified by their continuous repetition of Come in with the elk, come in with the elk, come in with the elk. In such instances, the sidekick must stay away and report them to the local authorities at all costs due to mental reasons.

The Fast Hunter

Works at an incredible speed due to impatience, usually resulting in sloppiness and death. The job is done, but at what cost? The sidekicks of such impulsive hunters have been seen completing the hunt and burying their mentors in shallow graves, leading to grief, loneliness, contemplation, and in some cases…cannibalism.

The Slow Hunter

Works at an upsetting speed due to laziness and or hunger. Sometimes mistaken for a zombie by other zombies. To avoid falling into this category of hunter, you would do well to get at least 11 hours of sleep, eat healthy, and to exercise daily – this includes, but not limited to, jogging, hopping, speed-walking, speed-jogging, pull-ups, pull-down, sit-ups, sit-downs, leg raises, neck raises, head pulls, arm straightening, thigh pounding, back raising, feet stomping, and lifting.

It is not surprising to hear of sidekicks accidentally shooting The Slow Hunter.

The Legends

Talofa Batesman

Age: 34

Nationality: Samoan

Called When Thunder Cries by natives in Samoa, Talofa Batesman goes on record for killing the most zombies during a single night in 1833.

His exploits can be read in the Samoan novel This is Thunder written by Yahweh Telemalima:

"…and so Talofa stood in the field where