The Alex Kilgour Jokebook

By Allan Cole

The Alex Kilgour Jokebook: Readers of the Sten Series the world over have been clamoring for a book collecting all the truly awful jokes told by Sten's heavy-worlder sidekick - Alex Kilgour. Well, you should have paid attention to your momma when she said to be careful what you wish for, because here it is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Allan Cole
• Release date: Mar 30, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458135896

Allan Cole

Allan Cole is a best-selling author, screenwriter and former prize-winning newsman who brings a rich background in travel and personal experience to his imaginative work. Son of a CIA operative, Cole was raised in the Middle East, Europe, and the Far East. He attended thirty-two schools and visited or lived in as many countries. He recalls hearing Othello for the first time as a child sitting on an ancient fortress wall in Cyprus - the island Shakespeare had in mind when he wrote the play. Rejecting invitations to join the CIA, Cole became an award-winning investigative reporter and editor who dealt with everything from landmark murder cases to thieving government officials. Since that time he’s concentrated on books and film. His novels include the landmark science fiction series, “Sten,” the highly-praised fantasy trilogy, “Tales Of The Timuras,” “The Far Kingdoms” series, a World Fantasy Award Finalist, and the Vietnam war classic, “A Reckoning For Kings.” The “Sten” novels, which he coauthored with the late Chris Bunch, have sold upwards of 25 million books worldwide and have been published in 13 languages. His latest novels include “The Lords Of Terror,” which he wrote with Russian fantasy master, Nick Perumov, as well as “MacGregor,” and “Drowned Hopes,” thrillers set in Boca Raton, Florida. “Lords” is the first and only novel written by American and Russian collaborators. Allan has sold more than a hundred and fifty television dramas, ranging from “Quincy” and “The Rockford Files” to and “Walker, Texas Ranger.” He lives in Boca Raton, Florida, with his wife, Kathryn. For more information see his homepage at www.acole.com and his film and entry at IMDB.com

Book preview

The Alex Kilgour Jokebook

By Allan Cole

From The Sten Series

By Allan Cole And Chris Bunch

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Published By Allan Cole At Smashwords.com

Copyright © 2011 by Allan Cole

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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The Alex Kilgour Jokebook

The Sten series - read by millions across the planet - was nearly dead on arrival. To be completely accurate, it was very nearly dead before my late partner, Chris Bunch, and I were halfway through the first book.

This was to be our Novel debut - the realization of dreams that had begun for both of us when our ages were still in the single digits.

What the clot could be wrong?

We had a contract from Del Rey Books commissioned by none other than Judy Lynn del Rey herself. We had a thorough outline of the first book, plus outlines for eleven others. (As the years went by the 12 books we originally envisioned were pared to a leaner, meaner eight.) And at the point we sputtered to a halt we were two hundred damned pages into the book.

Each and every day, no matter how hard we tried, we just couldn't get our Sten mojo going. We'd sit hunched over our keyboards, brows furrowed so deep you could have planted whole fields of turnips. Then one of us would groan, the other would moan, and we'd quit and break out the Scotch.

One day Chris made a depressing admission. The trouble is, he said, is that I've started to hate the little bugsnipe.

I didn't have to think long before I came to the same realization. I just didn't give a horse's fat patootie about Sten one way or the other. And I was one of his creators, for clot's sake!

Chris said, Here we have this kid whose parents we kill at the very beginning of the story.

And his brother and sister, I said. "Don't forget them.'

Chris snorted. How could I frigging ever? He won't let me. Then he said, We've got two hundred pages of this little buttwipe dragging around, going Boo-Hoo, Woe Is Frigging Me. I'm so sad and lonely I could kill myself.

I wouldn't care if he did, I added, my depression deepening. I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it was an oncoming train.

He's like effing Oliver Twist, Chris said. Moping around all the time so it gets so you want to kick his butt yourself. Dump the bowl of porridge over his head and stomp on his toes when he asks, 'Please, Sir, just a little more.'

Yeah, it's the Artful Dodger you root for, not little Ollie. I said. The Dodger's had an even worse life, but he's always out there on the street laughing and hollering and cutting every purse in sight. He's a nasty piece of work. But much more likable than Dicken's darling orphan.

A long silence followed. We replenished our Scotches - more J&B than Schweppes, because you really have to watch your sodium intake, don't you know?

Finally, Chris sat up - light dawning. And intoned: He was born with the gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad.

I nodded, remembering. Rafael Sabatini, I said. Scaramouche. One of the best first sentences ever. Not quite up there with 'Call me Ishmael,' or 'Turkey Doolin's crotch itched but close.

That's our problem, Chris said. Sten is a humorless little son of a bitch. That's what we have to fix.

We thought on it long and hard, then made a very tough decision. One of the hardest ever for a writer.

We dumped two hundred damned pages into the trash. (All except for the opening sentence, which is pretty good as first sentences go: "Death came quietly to The Row.)

And started all over again.

Except this time we gave Sten - and the series - a sense of humor. It's dark humor, to be sure. The humor of cops, soldiers, coroners, and desperate writers.

After the first book, Alex Kilgour- Sten's heavyworlder sidekick - assumed the major burden with his incredibly awful jokes told in an impenetrable Scottish accent. But before we could get to Alex, we had to change the whole tone of the series.

The first moment - and turning point - comes in Sten #1, when our hero is condemned to the Exotics Section - an area known by the denizens who work and died there,