Away In A Sand Dune (AKA Jesus vs. Cannibals)

By Harley Byrne

Time-travelling ex-postman Harley Byrne's ongoing mission is to capture and make available for download “all the world’s music, ever.” In this stage adaptation of one of his adventures, Byrne takes a holiday from work but crash-lands on a tropical island on Xmas Eve. The natives' carols sound oddly familiar but, when Byrne interferes, the island's corrupt king condemns him to be eaten to death.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Harley Byrne
• Release date: Dec 24, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311526397

Harley Byrne

Harley Byrne is a time-travelling recording engineer and former postman, lost somewhere in 2012. We at the Institute are presently engaged in the business of reconstructing Byrne's memoirs and the cine-serial adaptations thereof. A more complete biography of Byrne - detailing his downfall within the postal service, the rift with his degenerate brother Santiago, and his rise to fame as he attempted to track down and record "all the world's music, ever" - can be found here: http://zoomcitta.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/on-universal-ear.html

Book preview

Notes

UNIVERSAL EAR is a perpetual adventure series concerning Harley Byrne’s attempts to record and make available for download all the world’s music, ever. This stage play forms a single standalone episode.

The Universal Ear is a recording device shaped like a loudhailer but with all sorts of esoteric cables and dials attached.

For more on UNIVERSAL EAR, visit alltheworldsmusicever.com

Scene One

A dark and stormy night. A single-engined aeroplane splutters through the air before crashing into some trees and exploding.

Darkness. The sounds of four screaming bodies whooshing through the air end abruptly, one at a time.

A torch flashes on and off, on and off. The bearer adjusts the setting so that it shines continuously.

The light comes from HARLEY BYRNE’s Universal Ear device. The Ear has a flashlight function.

Four humans hang from the branches of tall tropical trees by the strength of their parachutes: HARLEY BYRNE, BARNARD BARNARD, NADIA BARNARD and, of course, SUSAN BATT.

BYRNE shines the light on BARNARD. Throughout the scene, he shines the light on whoever is speaking, including himself.

BYRNE. What were we talking about?

BARNARD. I forget. I think you’d finished. Can you see if my daughter’s here?

BYRNE shines the light on a body hanging from the next tree. It is SUSAN BATT.

BATT. Hello. My name’s Susan Batt. I think we were on the same flight.

BYRNE shines the light on the final body. It is NADIA BARNARD.

NADIA. Daddy?

BYRNE. Your father is dead.

BARNARD. Wait! That’s my girl.

BYRNE. Your father is alive. But your luggage is lost.

NADIA. Shit.

BARNARD. Nadia! I’ve asked you not to swear in front of strangers.

BYRNE. We’re not strangers any more. We’re forever bound by the – bond of shared trauma. We will remain brothers and sisters of this tragedy until the day we die. My name is Harley Byrne. My ongoing mission is to record and make available for download all the world’s music, ever. My efforts are frequently hindered by my arch-enemy, BEING!, mysterious mistress of disguise. But this – this was supposed to be a holiday.

BARNARD holds his hand out. BYRNE cannot reach to shake it.

BARNARD. Barnard Barnard. Businessman.

NADIA. Nadia Barnard. Teenager.

BATT. My name’s Susan Batt.

BYRNE. Pleased to meet you, Miss Batt.

BATT. It’s nothing.

BYRNE. Thank you. So. Here we are, lost in the jungle. And somewhere out there, an escaped convict lurks, waiting to murder again.

BARNARD. The chap on the plane in the cuffs? You needn’t worry about him, his head came clear off when that first branch ripped through the fuselage.

NADIA. That was cool.

BARNARD. Everything’s cool.

NADIA. Ugh. You don’t get me.

BARNARD. No. And I don’t suppose I ever will.

BYRNE. Well, it’s brilliant news about the murderer. But what can we do for food?

BARNARD. I have a single