Divorce & Men: A Man's Guide To Getting Through

By Ben Corry

This guide is in plain English for men at the beginning of their separation and divorce.

Ben is an Australian who has been through it himself.

In this book he discusses candidly, the challenges and pitfalls. He has practical tips and methods from a man's point of view to pro-actively deal with your emotions, children, lawyers, settlement and divorce.

You will be able to access templates to assist with establishing your property value and settlement, Legal Visit planning, goal setting and parenting plans.

By starting this journey on the right footing, you can maintain communication with your children and your ex, reduce your need for legal advice and mediators and most importantly, reduce the emotional pain that you and your children will need to endure.

Identify when you need to see a lawyer, what your children really need from you (and their mother), establish your goals and how you will achieve them.

Simple, practical and real, no matter where you live, you will get something from this eBook.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ben Corry
• Release date: Nov 18, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311145734

Book preview

Divorce & Men

A Man’s Guide to Getting Through.

By Ben Corry

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 Ben Corry

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase another copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Check in

You

Journaling

Setting Some Direction

Self Care

Body

Exercise & Fitness

Food & Supplements

Children & Cooking

Your Appearance

Children

Age Matters

A Child’s Needs

Dos & Don’ts with kids

How Can You Work Out Your Child’s Specific Needs?

Parenting Plan

Parental Alienation

Money

Security, Assets & money

Child Support

Centrelink

The Divorce

Fees & costs

Negotiating Settlement & Dealing with Lawyers

Planning to see your Lawyer

How will I know when I’m finished?

Recommended Reading & Links

~~~~~~~~

Check in

If you’re reading this, then you are likely a man, separated or soon to be separated, with kids. Probably not yet divorced and certainly unsure of what the future holds.

I know what that feels like, I have been there myself.

I am not a Lawyer or an Accountant nor am I a counsellor. I am an engineer and my life has been turned upside down and given a sound shake over the last 5 years through the untimely demise of my marriage.

The depth of unhappiness and soul searching, my separation and divorce as well the financial agreements and care arrangements for the kids and even just getting through some days were a bewildering and frightening experience.

This is not something that a man of 44 encounters on a regular basis, by the time you get to your middle years, you generally feel that you have things in hand. A marriage breakdown is a complete game changer, and definitely not something you plan to experience when you have your rose coloured glasses on at 25 or 30.

I was a successful professional, married at 29, first child at 31 with 2 more to follow over the next 6 years. Good jobs, bought houses, had loans, banks loved me. The problem was though that I’d neglected to pay attention to my relationship with my wife. We were growing apart, bit by bit year after year. I look back now and it’s obvious, but while it’s happening it’s not something I even noticed.

We were ‘separated under one roof’ for years before we separated, and we even talked about who would move out (well argued about it really….) in the end it was me, I simply couldn’t stand it for myself or for my children any more.

Then I lived through 2 years of vitriolic hell. I left her the house, the nearly all the furniture and most of my tools, a car and maintained a bank loan for a while to boot for her, funded largely from my guilt bank…. It is amazing what you can accept if you feel that it’s all your fault.

My children were upset (one started to self-harm, another kept running away), I wanted to see them more, she was harassing & bad mouthing me, in earshot of the kids sometimes, to my family and friends (I found out later). Some friends don’t even speak to me to this day. We went legal for a while, but managed to get out of that and negotiate like adults again, though that is hard. Really hard.

Your circumstance will be different and you will be dealing with different specific challenges with children, money and emotions, however, generally speaking the tools that a man can use to cope with these challenges are very similar.

Some of the things I’ve outlined in this book will work for you and some will not, the trick is to try them and keep doing what is working for you.

There are plenty of books that outline specific legal processes and documentation etc, one great one is referenced in the last section of this book.

It is not my intention to go into this level of detail. In fact it is my strong opinion that you should seek the advice of a lawyer throughout this process to assure you that your specific circumstance is being addressed in a legally sound manner.

I will show you how to prepare for, cope with and succeed in each of the stages you will face as you work through your own separation and divorce.

My message to you is, You will get through, the dark days will pass and the sun will come up again.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. The average time to complete most of the negotiations, around property and child care as well as having the Annulment granted by the court (ie Marriage is Over) is 2.5 years. Yes 2.5 years! So don’t feel everything has to be resolved immediately.

That is one of the key messages of this book. If you try to sprint, you will not be able to maintain it, all the issues will be mixed up together and things will become very very complex.

Slow down, take care of yourself and work though the whole stinking mess one step at a time, one day at a time, one breath at a time.

It was my own intention to get through my divorce without using lawyers or having things happen which were upsetting for the kids and me. So that’s where this book is coming from.

There are very helpful sections on managing kids and helping yourself to cope, regardless of where you are at, but a lot of the strategies and planning around lawyers and money, in here is about avoiding the drama before it happens.

Though the details of the law is based on Australian Law and Australian Government departments, the vast majority can be applied to your divorce, no matter what country you are from.

One thing that it is important to be clear about as well - you will need to take professional advice as you go, if only to make sure that what you are doing is legal and can’t be overturned later. A lot of people do divorce without a Lawyer. Don’t. When it’s time to visit your lawyer or accountant - Do it.

You need to be sure that what you’re doing is in the best interests of you and your kids and that it is legally sound and particularly, that it cannot be overturned in court. There are many ways to keep the costs way down, but you will be better off visiting professionals at the right stage for the long term.

This book is by no means definitive for every circumstance, though I do give some examples for clarity and to help you understand if you do need to seek legal, financial or counselling help.

It is a strategy guide rather than a legal checklist and since there are so many factors which impact legal decisions and life in general, it is best to get some of these factors sorted BEFORE you need to use a lawyer anyway.

I will provide an overview of the separation and divorce terrain, to help you navigate it with a minimum of pain & fuss and to be able to look after your children’s best interests, yourself and your children’s mother in the most honourable way possible.

You can divorce with a minimum of legal cost, accountants and other fees. But to do this it is absolutely imperative that you take a long-term view of the process, treat it like a marathon and take it all one step at a time.

We will look at an orderly, logical and calm way to approach your separation & divorce, a way to minimize the impact on you, your children and even your ex.

Trying to do everything at the same time, or sort out the money too early, will definitely bring argument, fear and retaliation to the table.

As you read on, keep one thing in mind and always test your decisions with this question:

Is this in the best interests of my Children?

By focusing on your children and doing what is best for them, you can de-personalise your decisions a fair bit and also view the decisions and actions of your ex in a much more balanced way.

So many men I have spoken to have said that the children are the guiding light through their divorce. By staying focussed on the kids and doing what is best for them, you will be much more able to act with honour and encourage their mother to do the same.

Unsurprisingly, doing what is in the best interests of the children is the position of Family Law in Australia and it is genuinely helpful to adopt this attitude when you work on negotiating matters of children, divorce and settlement.

Where does it all start?

At some point you or your partner will raise the matter of Divorce. It seems to me that no matter who says that first and no matter what has gone on prior, once the D word is out, there’s not much opportunity to recover.

But a Divorce will take you over 12 months from your point of separation and then settlement can take longer again and is a totally separate process.

So what is the trigger? It is your point of legal separation, the day that it occurs