A Modern Man's Guide to Divorce

By Colleen Nelson

A Modern Man's Guide to Divorce is a direct and straightforward tool to help you understand what to expect and how to recover from a divorce. This book is for the modern man who needs support and clear guidance on managing the uncertainty of divorce and wants to regain control over his life. Told from the perspective of Ryan McElroy, a father, entrepreneur, and divorced modern man, and interpreted by Colleen Nelson, a direct, no-nonsense Modern Woman who also happens to be a therapist. This guide will give you real-life perspective and seasoned tools and strategies to recover, recharge, and return to the man you know you can be. Although divorce can be painful, scary, and deeply challenging, it can also be the catalyst you need to take back your life and grow into the best version of yourself. Developing out of a need for men to have a community of support where it's safe to be vulnerable and real, this guide fills the gap and helps answer most men's questions as they navigate this difficult time. Connect, share, and relate to Ryan as we unpack divorce in an easily digestible way from the beginning of the process to the other side, which inevitably spawns a rebirth, renewal, and if you choose, a new better version of you. Colleen will give you simple action-oriented tools and resources to ground yourself, heal from within, along with ensuring you never compromise your true self and integrity. Together they create a journey that walks alongside you as you navigate what may be one of the most challenging times in your life.

See you on the other side....

• Language: English
• Publisher: Colleen Nelson
• Release date: Oct 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201122393

Book preview

Forward: 

As a trauma therapist and relationship coach, I see so many men come through my doors and express a strong desire for community, support, and real talk. As Ryan and I began writing this guide, we discovered that the stories might be different, but the emotions and healing process are the same. I am so inspired by Ryan’s vulnerability and willingness to step into this work and fully share his story. This guide has breathed life into the work that I do as a therapist and my own personal journey through divorce and recovery.

I look forward to walking with you through this journey each step of the way, knowing that at the end of the guide, you will feel relief and have a toolbox full of resources for each new horizon.

Know that from this point forward; you are not alone. 

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Hey I'm Ryan, a divorced dad, entrepreneur, and Modern Man. 

→ Here to guide you through one of the most difficult times in your life. 

→ I've been there and I was shocked at how little support and valid information there was for men out there on the web. 

→ While going through my divorce, I made a decision that when I got to the otherside I would invest in solid, REAL resources to not only help but also guide any man going through this experience. 

In my quest for clarity and understanding I serendipitously ran into Colleen, and this project really started to materialize. 

Hey guys! I'm Colleen!

Licensed Trauma Therapist & Speaker , Mom of 2 and Modern Woman. 

When Ryan mentioned his idea to help guide men through divorce and separation I jumped at the opportunity 

I see this every day in my private practice

There are very little resources for men. 

There are no communities where they can get real and talk about what is ACTUALLY happening

There are few resources that aren't tailored directly to the divorced woman

There is no simple step by step guide on what to do and how to handle the chaos 

It is a lonely, overwhelming, and a difficult time that men often have to bare alone. 

I am the interpreter, the professional and the supporter on this project, helping Ryan guide you through this time with understanding, strategies and REAL tools. 

It's like therapy without the hassle of the therapy room and with straight forward advice from people who have been there. 

This is why we spent the last year through a pandemic carefully crafting this book.

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The Moment

The moment you finally say or hear your relationship has ended is one that will forever stand out in your life. There is a shift and a change that you will feel deep to your core. You may be alone in the middle of the night, or you may be standing in front of your partner listening to it for the first time; either way, this moment, this pause in life, is monumental. This moment is different for everyone; it's tailored to who you are, what your circumstances are, and how you have built your life. But one thing is true for each of us; this is a moment that will shape, test, and change us. 

You are standing still; your chest is heavy; you can barely breathe. It's here, the moment you've been afraid of but also thinking about and not thinking about for weeks, months, years. You close your eyes; you can feel your chest rise and fall as you try and catch your breath. Your heart starts to quicken, and the pain in your chest becomes sharp and burns from the inside out. Your stomach is twisting and, at the same time, sinking; your legs are weak, and you begin to shrink. You don't want your knees to give out, but they just might. You put your hands on your face, you don't want it to be true, you don't want this to be real, but you know it is. There is a part of you that whispers, this is ok, you will be ok. Just breathe. Your mind starts to race, and you think of a million different ways you could escape this very moment. You run through all the things that you could say or didn't say. Then you open your eyes, look at your partner, take a deep breath, and finally allow the reality to sink in. You see the look in their eyes has changed; they can't quite make eye contact, they are pacing back and forth, and they feel distant, closed off but also too close at the same time. 

For many, this moment feels like a blindside; for others, they saw it coming, but they didn't necessarily expect it to happen today. For you, it was exactly as it should be. It was personal; it may have been foreseen or unexpected; it may have been a relief or a deep heartbreak, or maybe something in between. But for each of us, it was the beginning of a new life, a new dream and a new reality. 

Let us begin with the first 48hrs...

The Storm

When we talked about the perfect metaphor for going through a divorce or separation, we decided on the impending doom and the eerie feeling you get before a storm. A storm can be beautiful and necessary; it can bring new life, much-needed rain, and shifting tides. The one element to a storm that so clearly represents this experience is the feeling of chaos, groundlessness, and something bigger than yourself encompassing you and consuming you. We have all stood out in the open and looked towards the horizon as we felt the quiet of a storm headed our way, and the excitement and fear of the change it inevitably brings.

Picture yourself standing on a beach, and your toes are slightly sinking into the wet sand at the edge of the water. You're looking out over the calm ocean, feeling the waves lap at your feet. You close your eyes, and you feel the breeze on your face, the warmth of the sun on your skin, and you take a deep breath. This is the moment where you feel content, peaceful, and also restless. You hear the birds and the children off in the distance playing and going about their day, but at this moment, you're standing still, feeling everything around you. It's almost as if your senses are heightened. You feel the wind shift, a tingle up your spine, eerie silence, and you open your eyes to see a storm brewing just over the horizon. You knew deep inside that the storm was coming; you just didn't expect it to come so soon. You can't tell what this storm will bring with it or how long it will remain, but you know it's here, and it's time. It's as if your body knew before your brain did; it could sense this shift in the weather and the shift within you. The waves off in the distance start to get bigger, the swell pulls the water back, yet you stand there, knowing this is a storm you have to get through. 

In the first 48 hours of a separation or divorce, there are five waves of emotion that you can expect, these waves are coming, you can't avoid them, you can't talk your way out of them, but you can prepare. Take a deep breath, look straight ahead, here comes wave one.

Shock

The words have been spoken, and the fog slowly starts to creep in. You feel like time has stopped. Your mind is spinning as fast as it can backward and forwards. The questions begin to enter your mind immediately after your partner says, we're done. What is being done mean? This is so confusing, and you just want them to be as straightforward as possible, but you can't seem to speak or move. Your brain feels foggy, almost like you're in a tunnel, slightly dizzy as you try to find your footing, and you need to sit down. But the moment you sit down, you feel numb and paralyzed; it's as if all the feelings at this moment are on pause. You look at them, and you immediately wonder, is this true? Will they change their mind? Am I dreaming? Your partner might keep talking quickly, trying to explain how they got to this point and why they feel the way they do, and you're going to respond at first with shock and disbelief. Even if this moment was something that you were expecting, when the moment arrives, you feel blindsided. At its peak, it can feel like a dream, surreal, as if you are watching this entire scene from above. You want them to stop talking, you want them to let you catch your breath, but you also want it to be over. It is as if time stops, and everything you have been